


give your heart a break

by thekaidonovskys



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Ableism, Anxiety, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Blindfolds, Caretaking, Collars, Contracts, Dom/sub, Drunkenness, Financial Domination, Gags, Hand Feeding, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Insecurity, M/M, Miscommunication, Non-Sexual Bondage, Non-Sexual Submission, Nudity, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Punishment, Relationship Negotiation, Safeword Use, Self-Loathing, Shibari, Subdrop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2015-04-18
Packaged: 2018-02-11 16:46:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 100,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2075547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekaidonovskys/pseuds/thekaidonovskys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No hurry to have sex. Which means Newt could put it off, keep thinking up excuses and pushing it back and - and -</p><p>And trap Hermann in a lie of a relationship that will never reach a natural conclusion. </p><p>God. Why did he think this would ever work?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. this is a story that I have never told

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the most personal thing I've ever written. But it's also something I've never seen explored in this way, and something I needed to get out there. For my own sake.

So he’s dating Hermann.

He’s been dating Hermann for a couple of weeks now, in fact, and to their mutual surprise it’s going really well. Newt knows that both of them had harboured their reservations - their whole dynamic of bickering and supposed loathing of the past ten years doesn’t really seem conductive to a healthy relationship - but it turns out they haven’t had to change very much at all. It’s simply about speaking the unspoken words and adding in some kissing and hand-holding here and there, and as long as they keep the bickering in the lab and out of their personal life, it’s going very well indeed. It helps that the war is over and most of the others have left the Shatterdome - there’s only a skeleton crew in case of problems - leaving them plenty of time and space to work on being together. And they’ve enjoyed that time very nicely. 

The problem is, Newt still has many reservations.

It’s nothing to do with Hermann or their dynamic. It’s to do with him, to do with the things he had focused very very hard on keeping out of the Drift connection and, as such, Hermann doesn’t appear to know yet. Which is good because they’re the kinds of things that would probably make Hermann run for the hills.

Except that’s not good because Hermann’s dating him and if Newt’s hiding things that would make him leave, it’s just as bad as keeping him against his will. 

He knows he has to be honest. But it’s hard and it hurts and he knows with almost complete certainty that once this is out in the open - unless Hermann happens to share the same… but he wouldn’t, he won’t - then Newt will be alone again. 

So he kind of lets it slide for a bit and kind of just enjoys kissing Hermann while he can, before he has to let him go. And that’s good (but bad, very bad) and it lasts them the first few weeks while things like kissing are still new and exciting - but soon enough, kisses start getting deeper and Hermann’s eyes start getting a little darker every time they break apart and Newt knows he has to come clean. 

He has to admit that the darkness in Hermann’s eyes scares him. Because it means that Hermann wants more, wants to progress beyond simple and innocent into… _more._ Into the natural progression of a natural relationship and this might almost be a natural relationship, but -

But _Newt_ isn’t natural. He’s not. And he can’t do it. 

Because he likes Hermann a hell of a lot, quite possibly loves him even, but Newt is not going to have sex with him. Ever. 

And he has to tell Hermann before it’s too late. 

Of course, Newt being Newt, he goes about it all wrong. They’re sitting across from one another in Hermann’s quarters, talking quietly and about nothing in particular. It’s peaceful and relaxed and Newt, _of course_ , decides that this is the perfect time to open mouth and engage foot. 

"Do you want sex?” he asks.  

Hermann blinks. "Now?" 

"What - oh. No, I didn't... I mean, at all. In this relationship."

What a stupid question. He's in the minority, most people don't even need to _ask_ that and here he is saying stupid things and Hermann's just gonna think he's mental.   

Hermann frowns slightly. "When it happens in the natural progression of things, certainly," he says. "But I am in no particular hurry to have sex."

No hurry to have sex. Which means Newt could put it off, keep thinking up excuses and pushing it back and - and - 

And trap Hermann in a lie of a relationship that will never reach a natural conclusion.  

God. Why did he think this would ever work? 

"I'm sorry," Newt says, turning his head, and damn it all if his voice doesn't crack right then. "I can't do this."

There's a long silence. "Did I say something wrong?" Hermann asks and _god_ , he sounds so earnest, so eager to fix whatever's broken but he can't because _Newt_ is the one that's broken. "If it's about sex, if you have particular needs, then -"  

"I don't," Newt says quietly. "I - that's the problem." Hermann doesn't say anything and Newt can just picture his quiet incomprehension. He sighs, and forces it out. "I don't have any needs around sex except to - to not have it. At all." 

There.  

The silence drags out again, but thankfully not for as long. "Oh," Hermann says gently. "You're asexual?"

Newt nods, trying not to flinch against the word. "Yeah. And I presume you're..."

"Sexual? I suppose that would be the classification, yes."

And Newt feels so small and stupid and he can't stay here, not like this. “Yeah, so you can see how this isn't gonna work," he says as he stands and makes for the door. "Better you know now though, so I'll just -"

"Newton," Hermann says, his tone firm. "Stop." 

And good lord, is Hermann determined to point out _all_ of his freakish idiosyncrasies today? 

At the order - because Newt’s mind can't hear it as anything but - he freezes in place. He stops and waits for the next instruction and he can't help it, it's instinctive because even though he and Hermann are breaking up today, Newt still sees him as someone he can trust. Someone he can listen to.

Someone he can obey.  

"Come here," Hermann says, and Newt does. He has to resist the urge to drop to his knees, and instead hovers until Hermann raises an eyebrow at him. "Sit down," he says, and the other eyebrow joins the first when Newt does so promptly. "Okay," he says slowly. "There's a lot to address here."

Newt does his best to snap himself out of his state, but it's not easy. "I'm sorry," he says quietly. 

Hermann frowns. "Whatever for? For not being sexual? That's ridiculous. Don't apologize for that."

Newt blinks. He opens his mouth but can't find the words. "But," he finally begins, "we can't -"

"Have sex? No. And?"

"You need it."

"No," Hermann says without hesitation. "I don't need it. Sex is not a need, it is a desire. Having healthy relationships with people is far more of a need in my mind."

"But I can't ask you to give up sex for me."

Hermann smiles a little. "You can and will," he says, his tone verging on an order. "That said, I think I might be the one asking a lot of things of you, hm?"

Newt stares. "I - I don't know what you mean," he murmurs because _fuck_ , he’d barely been okay with coming out as asexual but _this too?_  

"Yes you do," Hermann says, but without any anger. "I gave you orders before - quite unintentionally I must add, it was sheer instinct on my part - and you obeyed them, immediately and to the letter. And without thinking. It was natural for you to do that." 

Newt looks at his shoes. "I'm sorry," he says again. Now he really feels _so_ small and stupid. 

"This needless apologizing has got to stop," Hermann says softly. "Newton, please do not apologize for who you are - but I've read it right, haven't I? You are submissive?"

"Yeah," Newt says bitterly. "And now you see how fucked up it is? How I'm never going to find what I need in life?"

"Explain," Hermann demands gently. 

Newt drags his eyes up to Hermann's. "I'm an asexual submissive," he says slowly. "I want to - to be owned and collared and given orders and looked after and... but I don't want sex. And Doms are all about sex, at least all the ones I've tried. They don't want me kneeling unless I'm sucking them off and bondage is for when they fuck me and it's not - I can't. I can't do it. Nobody was willing to have me without _having_ me. Sexual Doms weren't willing to abstain for me - and fair enough too I guess - and I knew I'd never find an asexual Dom so I just gave up."

Hermann sighs and shakes his head. "You have been woefully treated," he says. "What Dom in their right mind would pick a carnal desire over having you as their submissive?"

Newt stares. "Hermann?" he finally asks, very quietly. "What are you saying?" 

Hermann stares right back. "I'm saying that sex is not the biggest part of my life by any means. I'm saying that there is far more to having a submissive than dominating them in the bedroom, and that I much prefer those other aspects anyway. And I'm saying that I am… very fond of you, Newton. To have the chance to have you as mine is something I would not like to pass up." 

Newt wants to cry. "You mean...?"

"Come here," Hermann says gently and Newt is on his feet, by his side in a second. He stands and waits, heart hammering in his chest, and Hermann just looks at him for a moment. "Would you like to kneel?" he asks.  

And Newt is quite literally speechless.

"Answer, please," Hermann says, and okay, that’s an order. 

"Yes," Newt murmurs. 

Hermann nods. "Okay," he says. "Then we'll start here. Of course there will need to be a lot of discussion and a contract, but for now I think we're safe with kneeling, don't you?"

Newt nods. "Yes," he says when Hermann raises an eyebrow. "Yes, I agree."

Hermann smiles. "Good," he says. "In that case -"

He gestures and Newt drops to his knees, the motion fluid and natural. He's not sure what Hermann wants or likes yet (hell, he’s still trying to comprehend that this is Hermann’s thing at _all,_ let alone all the other implications going on right now), so he stays formal; back straight, hands clasped, head bowed. 

Hermann hums with what sounds like satisfaction. "Beautiful," he says and and _oh_ , it's been so long since Newt's gotten simple praise like that and he didn’t realize how much he’s been craving it, how much it’s getting into that hollow place inside that's given up on ever being happy. "Would you like to rest your head on my knee? Not an order," he adds. "Just an inquiry."

Newt nods. He doesn't trust his words right now, and he hopes Hermann lets him away with it. 

Thankfully and wonderfully, Hermann seems to understand. "You're welcome to," he says. "I'd like to stroke your hair, if you'd let me." 

And he's spelling everything out, making every step nice and clear and unassuming and it really doesn't seem like anything is leading in the direction of sex. Newt nods again, then remembers his words. "I'd like that," he says, and carefully leans against Hermann's leg, resting his head on his knee. 

Then, of course, he starts crying. 

Hermann strokes his hair, as promised, and rests his other hand on the back of Newt's neck. He doesn't say anything, doesn't indicate that he's even aware that Newt's crying - but of course he knows. He just understands that it's not bad, that it's overwhelmed but good, so very good, and so he's letting Newt get it out of his system. Newt knows that with a near certainty, knows he can trust Hermann completely right now. Hermann's gonna take care of him. 

So for the first time in a very long time, he lets go and Hermann doesn’t let him go. 

He cries himself out in the end and just sits, quiet and still. It’s the stillest he’s been in awhile, too, and the most tranquil. There’s something about knowing where he belongs, about following this simple order and knowing that he’s pleasing Hermann by doing so, that soothes Newt right down. 

“Better?” Hermann asks after awhile.

“Yeah,” Newt murmurs. “Lots. It, um - it’s something I need, when I get emotional. I need to get close to the ground and be small.”

And he really needs to learn how to shut his mouth off, but Hermann just makes a small noise of acknowledgement. “And having someone to lean against helps too?” he asks, and Newt nods. “Okay. I’ll remember that - and whenever you are feeling distressed, you are always free to come to me, to be as you are now. You don’t have to ask.”

“Thank you,” Newt says, and lifts his head. As soon as he does, he sees that his tears have soaked through the leg of Hermann’s trousers, and grimaces. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “Didn’t mean to cry all over you.”

Hermann shakes his head. “We are going to do something about all this apologizing,” he says. “I only want to hear an apology from you if you actually do something wrong - I will not stand for you being sorry to be human, and to be yourself.”

“Okay,” Newt says. He looks up at Hermann, who smiles at him so sweetly that Newt has to return it. “This isn’t how I expected our night to go,” he admits.

Hermann’s smile grows. “Nor I,” he agrees. 

Newt considers that. Not even half an hour ago, he’d been sitting across from Hermann, having an ordinary conversation about ordinary things. Now he’s on his knees, at the feet of his partner-turned-Dom (and since when has _Hermann_ known about this sort of thing, let alone _taken part_ in it?), who has no qualms about the possibility of sex never entering into their relationship. 

He should probably clarify one of those points, though. 

“Does this mean you’re my Dom now?” he asks.

Hermann looks at him carefully for a moment. “Would you like me to be?” he asks in return. “I’m glad you asked that - we never actually clarified. I presumed but never asked, and I certainly should not have been ordering you around without making certain that you truly want this.”

“I think the fact that I’m following your orders without question makes that clear, doesn’t it?”

“No,” Hermann says, shaking his head. “It means that you haven’t had a Dom in awhile, and certainly not one that treated you with basic respect. It does not necessarily mean that you want _me_ as your Dom.”

“I want _you_ ,” Newt says, his tone firm. “First and foremost, I want you as a partner. If you - if you’ll let me submit to you as well, that’s just an added privilege.”

“Oh, darling,” Hermann says gently, “the privilege is all mine. And I should have asked, I should have made things very clear initially but… you were hurting. I needed to make it better.”

“I’m not complaining,” Newt says, smiling a little. “I feel a lot better than I have in ages.”

“Good. But let’s clarify now. As you said before, first and foremost, you are still my partner. That isn’t changing, no matter how close you came to walking out on me tonight.” Newt’s smile fades and he bites his lip, but Hermann doesn’t seem cross. “I can understand that,” he says. “You were frightened and you presumed that, as a sexual person, I wouldn’t be interested in you if we didn’t eventually end up having sex." 

Newt nods. “It’s just what I’m used to.”

“I know, darling. Not anymore. For now, in terms of physical affection, let’s stay right where we are - unless we’ve already crossed a line of comfort?”

“No,” Newt says quickly. “No, I’m happy with this. I - I like kissing you.”

Hermann smiles. “I admit, I would have been hard pressed to have given that up,” he says. “But I would have, had it been necessary. So we stay as we are on that level; however we also need to add in this recent development. What does your submitting change at this stage of our relationship? What are your immediate needs before we negotiate further into rules and contracts?”

Newt shrugs and considers it. “I guess… things like this?” He gestures to himself, the way he’s kneeling, and Hermann nods. “It’s something I like, but it’s not something I need to do all the time and… and not something I want to _have_ to do, if that makes sense?" 

“It does, and that’s fine. Anything else?”

“There’s, um…” Newt ducks his head a little. “Just to know that I’m being looked after,” he says quietly. “It’s not like - I don’t need constant orders to, I don’t know, _eat_ , or take my meds, or anything like that, but sometimes I forget or I just sort of don’t want to. So maybe you could… make sure I’m doing what I should be?”

“I already do,” Hermann says, and Newt looks up at him, surprised. “I haven’t tried to change anything yet,” Hermann continues and he’s actually blushing a little. “But I have taken note of your eating habits and done my best to convince you to sleep longer on the nights I’ve been with you.”

Newt smiles at that. They haven’t slept in the same bed many times yet, Newt being too scared that it would lead right to sex, but the times they have, Newt’s always woken well-rested. “Oh,” he says, as the thought occurs. “Am I still allowed to sleep in your bed?”

“Of course you are. In fact, I would like you there more regularly.”

“Okay,” Newt says, smiling a bit more, and Hermann returns it. “That’s about it for the immediate things, I think. Just… be here?”

And he doesn’t even need to clarify. “I will,” Hermann says gently. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. And you’ve done so well tonight, being open and honest with me. When we negotiate rewards, I will be certain to give you one.”

“Really?” Hermann frowns, and Newt elaborates: “I’ve never really earned many rewards before, and when I did they were all sexual.”

Hermann mutters something under his breath that features the words _deplorable conduct_ , then shakes his head. “I can assure you, when you have done something worthy of being rewarded, you will get a reward that is _actually_ a reward for you - that being the point of the whole system. And I’m certain you will earn many. You are very good, my dear.”

And Newt wants to argue, wants to point out all the times he’s mouthed off or been a brat or forgotten to take his meds or all the other past transgressions… but it’s been so long since someone’s told him that he’s _good_. So he wants to take it. 

So he does take it. “Thanks,” he says, a little shy. “I’m going to do my best to be good. For you.”

Hermann smiles. “Good,” he says. “Because my goal - and my rules for you - will be to see you happy. So if you’re behaving, it means you’re content." 

Newt rests his head back against Hermann’s knee. “You’re being too good to me,” he says quietly.

“No such thing,” Hermann says, and begins to stroke his hair again. 

Newt closes his eyes and smiles for a very long time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's not that simple, believe me. There's plenty more for the two of them to work out, but this is just the first chapter. For now, I hope this is an idea that maybe a few people can get behind. All I ask is that you are kind - this was not an easy thing for me to post. 
> 
> Also, Newt’s opinions on his sexuality and preferences are not my opinions (except for a long time about myself) so if you fall into the same classification(s) as him please don’t be offended by his thoughts.


	2. I need a voice to echo, I need a light to take me home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You have carried this belief with you for too long; that you are wrong, you are broken and that nobody will want you unless you change. It is not true.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The response to this was so overwhelming and positive and wonderful and I'm elated and I had to get another chapter out in thanks. So, thanks. I love you all.

Naturally, there’s a lot of talking to be done in the first few days. 

Hermann sorts all of that out - he’s always been an early riser and, when Newt wakes in his bed the following morning (and after giving himself a moment to stare at the ceiling and think _well_ _holy fucking shit that happened_ ), he rolls over and finds Hermann sitting at his desk, hard at work. “Anybody ever told you you’re too dedicated?” Newt murmurs, curling himself into the blankets tighter. 

Hermann turns and smiles. “Good morning to you too,” he says. “And this isn’t work - at least not traditional work. It’s for us.”

Newt figures he should probably get up, but lingers a moment longer, enjoying being in Hermann’s bed. “Is that the contract?” he asks, finally sitting up and swinging his feet out of bed. 

“No, not yet,” Hermann says, turning back to the papers strewn across the desk. “We have a lot of things to work on before that. This is just me figuring out what areas we need to discuss and writing down what information I do know - mainly about myself at this stage.”

“Cool.” Newt snags Hermann’s dressing gown, wraps it around himself and shuffles over to the desk, yawning. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes, peers at the papers for a moment, then drops to his knees - and then catches himself, looking up at Hermann sheepishly. “Oh. Um. Is this -?”

Hermann’s looking at him with nothing short of complete fondness. “Very,” he says, reaching down to cup Newt’s chin briefly, running his thumb across Newt’s cheek. “I like how natural it is for you already. And I like you in my clothing.” 

“It’ll have to be a pretty direct order to get me in the sweaters though,” Newt says, and Hermann rolls his eyes. “So, um," he begins, a bit tentatively, “how much do I have to ask you for? And are all offers long-standing offers or do I have to ask every time?” 

Hermann frowns. “Elaborate?”

“Well, like yesterday, you said I could lean against you and put my head on your knee. Things like that. Do I have to ask every time I want to? Because I don’t mind, I just need to know before I fuck something up.”

Apparently he’s said the wrong thing, as Hermann’s frown deepens. “I don’t like the idea that you’re living in fear of doing something wrong,” he says. “I know you mentioned you were rewarded little by your past Doms, but were you punished a lot?”

Newt shrugs. “Not really? I never really had anything intense.” He sighs, looks down at his hands, then back up at Hermann. “We have to talk about all this, don’t we? Who I’ve been with, what I did -" 

“Not in great detail,” Hermann assures him. “I do want to know some about your past, yes, but only enough to determine what I should and shouldn’t do.”

“Okay. Now?”

Hermann glances back at the desk. “How about this? You stay there for a bit while I finish getting my thoughts in order, and then we’ll talk once I’m done. And back to your initial question; yes, you absolutely may lean against me, and you don’t have to ask. That one is a long-standing offer. There will be others in the future that won’t be, but we’ll discuss those when they happen and I will make it clear. I’m sorry for not clarifying that one at the time.”

“It’s okay,” Newt says and leans against Hermann’s leg. “We had more important things to discuss.”

“That we did. I won’t be long.”

Newt doesn’t mind. He likes it here. He’s still kinda sleepy - even though he slept for _ages,_ because apparently Hermann’s making good on this whole keeping an eye on him thing - and the sound of pen on paper is really nice and he dozes, just a little. Except more than just a little because the next time he opens his eyes and looks up, Hermann is looking down at him, papers tidied up and work clearly complete. “Oh,” Newt says, and catches himself before he apologises - he’s already figured that Hermann doesn’t like that too much. “Whoops,” he says instead.  

Hermann just smiles. “It’s okay. I like that you’re calm enough around me to sleep - though I do hope to keep you awake long enough to talk.” 

“Yeah, I can do that.” He reluctantly moves away from Hermann a bit so he can focus, then considers. “Serious conversations; where do you want me sitting?”

“Wherever you’re comfortable,” Hermann says. “As long as you feel free to speak in that position, I don’t mind if you stay there. I know some people find it very restricting, and difficult to address their Dom from a place of such clear submission.” 

Newt smiles. “When have I ever struggled to talk to you, Hermann?”

“Very true. And, for the record, I have no intention on restricting your speaking. Unless you start getting bratty - then we’ll have to do something about that.” 

There’s a tiny thrill of anticipation when Hermann says that, and Newt really wants to follow that train of thought to see if it’s leading where he thinks, but he knows they have to get the serious stuff out of the way before they can get to the fun things. “I’ll be good,” he says instead, giving Hermann his best innocent eyes, who chuckles. “At least for this conversation. But, um. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Before you ask about my past, can I - can I hear about yours?”

He bites his lip immediately, hoping he hasn’t crossed a line, but Hermann seems unfazed. “That’s a fair request,” he says with a nod. “We’ll talk later about this worry of yours that seems to keep popping up at inopportune times, but for now let’s just focus on one serious topic at a time.” Newt nods, and Hermann thinks for a moment. “Not much to tell,” he says. “I’ve had three submissives - one was a purely sexual arrangement, so we don't need to discuss it. The second one was very new to the scene, we just experimented with a few aspects before inevitably breaking up - we weren’t suited to one another. The last, I had as a partner for about eight months. We eventually parted ways because he wanted a Total Power Exchange relationship, and I wasn’t ready to dominate on such a level. I know it suits some, but I like my partners to have a bit of spark.”

He smiles at Newt, who returns it. “I can promise you that,” he says.

“Good. You infuriate me in ways that no other human has ever managed to, and yet I still adore you. Never lose your light, Newton.”

It’s probably the sweetest thing he’s ever heard Hermann say, and Newt ducks his head a little. “Okay, I have to admit something here,” he says. “When I found out about you being dominant, I pegged you as the strict and stern type with set rules for everything and a tough demeanour. I didn’t realize you were gonna be _sweet._ ”

He looks up to see Hermann blushing a little, but his gaze is soft and even. “You deserve sweetness,” he says simply. “I can be plenty stern when I need to be, but it is not mutually exclusive with being kind. Do you need me to be stricter with you?”

“No,” Newt says quickly. “I mean, at least not now. Definitely in some situations but - but right now, I’m enjoying it.”

“I’m glad.” Hermann ducks his head to kiss him softly. “I hate to switch the tone, but we have to talk about you now.”

Newt nods. “What do you need to know?”

“Well,” Hermann says gently, “you mentioned some unsavoury past partners?”

Newt shrugs. “Couldn’t even really call them partners,” he says. “They were just Doms. The first few I - I hid it. Tried to enjoy it or at least go along with it but in the end it didn’t work and I couldn’t give them what I had promised in the contract so they… they let me go. And then I had one who I told and she said she’d offer me a deal - she’d try dominating me non-sexually as long as I at least attempted a couple of sexual scenes. Which I figured was a fair trade but I couldn’t - that didn’t work either. And if I couldn’t get through a scene without safewording out, she would refuse to dominate me non-sexually. She was good to me but I wasn’t good to her.”

“Oh, no, now I won’t let you believe that any longer,” Hermann says. “You were as good to her as you possibly could have been - you knew full well that you wouldn’t be happy if you had to engage in sexual contact, but you upheld your end of the bargain. You tried, and if that wasn’t enough for her then she didn’t deserve you.”

“It was fair though,” Newt argues. “If she’s giving something up for me, I should compromise, right?”

Hermann shakes his head. “Newton, darling, you already gave something up for her. By submitting, you give your _self_.”

“But I couldn’t give her my _whole_ self.”

“No, of course not. Everybody has a hard limit, however, and that is something that all Doms swear to honour. Yours is sexual contact, and the fact that she was only willing to dominate you if you successfully pushed that hard limit is unfair. She should not have attempted it if she knew your limit would conflict with her needs. I am very sorry that you were caught in that situation.”

Newt looks down. “S’okay,” he mumbles. “I didn’t expect anything better.”

“You have better now,” Hermann promises. “I have a proposal for rules relating to sexual contact that I would like to run by you, if I may?”

Newt’s not quite used to being asked for permission like this. “You… you may,” he says.

Hermann smiles. “Good. They are quite simple: for now, sex is ruled out completely. Sexual contact too, but I will ask you to be the one to set the line for physical contact. Your rules are to speak up immediately if you are uncomfortable and, in the future, if you ever wish to experiment beyond the limits you have set, you let me know and we can discuss it. But that will be your call and your call alone, and is something you can change your mind on at any time, as well as that line I’ve asked you for. If you want more or less contact, that is your right to decide. Does this seem fair so far?”

Fair is an understatement. “Yes,” Newt says, trying not to nod too vigorously. “That’s… more than I expected.”

“I promised I would take care of you,” Hermann reminds him gently. “As for my rules; I am to respect any decision you make in regard to physical or sexual contact. If you want to go further or back right off, I must respect it. I can ask you to discuss it, but I cannot ask you to change your mind. And I cannot ask you for sex. That is non-negotiable.”

Newt just stares at him. “This is too good to be true,” he says after a moment.

“Too good to be true that somebody would treat you the way you deserve?” Hermann shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything else. “What do you think of those rules?” he asks instead. “Are they acceptable?”

“Very. As long as you’re - I mean, are you going to -“ Newt catches himself and ducks his head. “Sorry. It’s not my right to ask.”

“Look at me,” Hermann instructs gently, and Newt obeys a little reluctantly. “You have the right to ask any questions you wish, just as I have the right not to answer - but I will answer whatever I can. Ask.”

Newt takes a deep breath. “Are you going to go to someone else for sex?”

“No,” Hermann says. “At least not now. While we are still working things out between us, I would consider it rather detrimental for me to go to somebody else for sex, and right now I don’t particularly need it. But it will probably be a future issue, and when it happens we will discuss it, and I will respect your feelings on the matter. Right now it isn’t happening, and quite frankly it doesn’t appeal." 

It’s not appealing to Newt, either, and he’s a little relieved. But still… “But what happens when you… when you’re, um -”

Hermann smiles. “I have been mostly alone for a long time, darling. I’ve gotten very adept at handling the situation myself.”

Newt knows he’s blushing, but Hermann’s smile is so soft and fond that he has to return it. “Oh,” he says. “And that’ll be… enough?”

“Yes, of course.”

“But then… I thought -“

“What did you think?”

Newt struggles to hold eye contact, but he can tell Hermann doesn’t want him to look away. “I thought we’d be working towards… y’know, making me comfortable with sex?” 

Hermann just looks at him for a moment, then sighs. “Oh, no, I had hoped it wasn’t the case,” he says, and his voice is almost too sad for Newt to handle. “You believe that there’s something wrong with you, don’t you? That your lack of desire for sex is something that needs to be _fixed_.”

The distaste on that last word is too clear to be missed. Newt breaks eye contact now and looks at the floor. “Most people like sex,” he says. “Most people want it.”

“And you don’t. And that’s _it_ , Newton. Those are the facts. Most people like chocolate, but if somebody doesn’t, you wouldn’t try to force them to eat it, would you? They wouldn’t be considered _wrong_.” Hermann sighs again. “If you wish to attempt having sex, then I will easily oblige - as long as you actually _want_ to. If you are trying to do it out of some sort of belief that it will make you a better person, then I will play no part in it. And this is why that rule of myself never asking you for sex matters so much - I am not trying to sway you to the ‘other side’ here, darling. I am not trying to fix you, because you are not broken. I love you as you are. Maybe you will want to have sex in the future; maybe you still won’t. I will want you the same either way, and I am not holding on in the hopes that you will change your mind. Do you understand? _You are perfect just as you are._ ”

Newt started shaking midway through that, now he can’t stop. He covers his face with his hands and a moment later Hermann moves, drops to the ground next to him, puts his arms around Newt as if to hold him together, to stop him shaking himself right to pieces. “Sorry,” Newt whispers, even though he knows he’s not meant to. “Sorry, I’ve never - nobody’s ever said…”

“I know,” Hermann murmurs. “And _I’m_ sorry, that I had to make the point so vigorously, but it’s something you need to hear. You have carried this belief with you for too long; that you are wrong, you are broken and that nobody will want you unless you change. It is not true.”

And he can’t believe Hermann’s words, not yet, but he can believe the sincerity. 

Hermann holds him until the trembling stops, and then for some time after. Newt doesn’t want to let go, but there’s something rather pressing that’s come from Hermann’s extended monologue that he needs to address, so he reluctantly pulls away. “Hermann?” he says.

“Yes darling?”

“When you were talking before you - um. You said you loved me.”

Hermann doesn’t even blink. “I know. And I do. And you are under no obligation to return it until you are ready, but the fact stands. I may not have intended to express it for the first time in that manner, but I will not apologize for it.”

“Good,” Newt says, trying to stop himself from smiling too wide. “We can’t have two of us apologizing for things that shouldn’t be apologized for _ever._ And I - I love you too, for the record.”

And now Hermann’s clearly trying not to smile too wide either. “I’m very happy to hear that,” he says. “And I know the rest of my words didn’t sink right in, not just yet, but do you feel a little bit better about yourself at least?”

Newt nods. “I know that you still want me even if we never have sex - and I respect you a lot, so I think if you’re making a decision, it’s gonna be a good one. So - so I guess I just trust your judgement about me until I can really start seeing it for myself. I believe that _you_ believe that I’m… okay. And once I see that for myself, I guess I’ll be able to believe it too.”

“That’s wonderful,” Hermann says softly. “You’re doing very well, my dear.”

Newt can feel himself blushing and he wriggles a little, still so unused to the praise. “Thanks,” he mumbles. “Um. So, did we finish our serious conversation?” 

Hermann nods. “I think so. That’s certainly enough for today - and I should get up off the floor before I lose the ability to do so altogether.”

Newt swears under his breath and jumps to his feet, helping Hermann to his. “Are you okay?” he asks anxiously. 

Hermann smiles. “Fine, darling, don’t fret.” He sits down in his chair, stretches his leg out, and nods. “No harm done. I’m the one who’s supposed to look after you, remember?”

“Yeah, but this is a relationship before anything else. I get to take care of you too.”

“Very true.” Hermann looks up at him - and already Newt’s not used to this, it really should be the other way around - and nods at his attire. “If you’ll allow me to use your room card, I can go and get you some fresh clothes while you shower. Then I can take you to breakfast.”

Newt nods and grabs his jacket, digging in the pocket for his keycard which he gives to Hermann. “My room isn’t exactly clean, though,” he warns. 

“I’ll resist the urge to tidy up,” Hermann says, smirking slightly, and shoos him in the direction of the bathroom. “Off you go.” 

Newt goes. 

He realizes, as he stands in the shower, that they’ve gotten more important things sorted in the past twelve hours than in all the time they’ve known one another. At this rate, Hermann’s going to know every single detail about him by the end of the week, and Newt’s going to be believing he’s actually okay within two. 

Newt’s pretty sweet with that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of what Hermann is saying might be a little problematic for some. Just remember that he's trying to show Newt that he's not broken, that this isn't all his fault, that he deserves to be able to feel safe and happy. 
> 
> Title from "Nightingale"


	3. play the scene of bringing all the good things out in me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay. It’s, um… well, look. My list. There’s not much to it and it’s all very - innocent.” Newt knows he’s blushing, but tries to get his point across anyway. “They’re not real rewards, I know, not like the stuff you’re probably used to giving.”

“We need to talk rewards,” Hermann says. “Because I owe you one, and because we’ve spoken about too many serious things lately. Let’s discuss what you like.”

Newt grins up at him - as he predicted, kneeling at Hermann’s side has become his usual spot. “I’ve been thinking about this one,” he says. “I wanted to have a list for when you asked.”

Hermann smiles. “Well done,” he says and Newt is never going to get over this praise thing. “Where would you like to begin?”

“Well, um - first of all, what kinds of things am I gonna get rewards for? Are there different levels?”

Hermann nods. “I think that would work best. Smaller rewards for simple things, bigger for things that are harder for you to do.”

“Can I have an example? Please? I know you haven’t worked out all the rules yet, but just to give me an idea.”

“Of course.” Hermann considers. “Well,” he says, “for a smaller reward; perhaps if you were to have a week where you remembered to take your medication every day without prompting, you would be rewarded for that. And a bigger reward would be for something like next Thursday after you go to your doctor’s appointment and be very honest about how you’re feeling at the moment and what you need.”

Newt wrinkles his nose at that, but nods. “Okay. It’s, um… well, look. My list. There’s not much to it and it’s all very - _innocent_.” Newt knows he’s blushing, but tries to get his point across anyway. “They’re not _real_ rewards, I know, not like the stuff you’re probably used to giving.”

“Will they make you happy?” Hermann asks. Newt nods, and Hermann nods in return. “Then they are real rewards. And you’d be surprised at some of the things I’ve been asked for as rewards in the past - it’s not as sexual as you think. One of my partners simply wished to have me read to them.”

Newt thinks about that, about how Hermann’s voice can so easily lull him into calm and quiet, and understands. “Do you think you could put that on my list as well?”

“Certainly, darling.” Hermann writes it down, then looks back down at him. “What else would you like?”

“I… I like it when you play with my hair.” 

Hermann smiles. “As do I. And I will do that at times simply because I can, but we can certainly implement a… a _session_ of sorts, for reward purposes.” 

Newt likes the sound of that - and he’s feeling a little bolder now. “Cuddling,” he says. “Just being held for ages.”

“Yes, absolutely. Again, not exclusive to being rewarded, but we will definitely have that.” Hermann makes a few notes, then nods. “Those are good small rewards,” he says, “and we can add more to that in time. Right now, however, I want to go to bigger things. Tell me, love, in all the years you haven’t had a Dom, what’s the one thing more than anything else that you’ve wanted?”

Newt doesn’t even think. “Being bound,” he says. 

Then he kind of wishes he had stopped and thought.

Hermann raises an eyebrow. “Is that so?” he asks. “Talk me through that one a bit more.”

Newt shrugs, blushing a bit. “I like… having my hands restrained. Maybe - I don’t know, like this? Me kneeling here but with my wrists cuffed behind me or - or I like falling asleep with my hands tied to the headboard. Something that makes me feel secure.”

Hermann slowly nods. “Secure,” he repeats. “That does make sense.”

“Is that… is it okay?”

“Yes, of course,” Hermann says, sounding surprised. “Did you think it wasn’t?”

“You seemed unsure.”

“I was a little,” Hermann admits. “But now that you’ve clarified, I can see how that will work for you and give you what you need, and I’m more than happy to provide it. My uncertainty was only based on my own experiences because… well, I’ll be honest. It's very rare that I have somebody bound and not have it leading into sexual contact."

Newts heart drops. "Oh," he murmurs. "If that's what you want, then -"

Hermann presses his finger to Newt's lips. "Stop," he orders gently. "What are the rules about sex?"

"That we only experiment with it if I decide to," Newt repeats obediently. "That you can never ask me for it."

"Good. I was not asking then, and I will not ask. Nor do I want sex, to make that very clear right now. I was merely making a comment that this is quite different, but I'm looking forward to experiencing this in a different way." Hermann sighs and cups his cheek gently. "Darling, you know I'm only happy when you're happy, and to push you into the realm of something that you dislike - that distresses you, even - just so I can have pleasure will not make me happy. There is no sexual gratification that will mean more to me than knowing that you are happy."

Newt opens his mouth to apologize, then bites his lip. He’s not sure what he’s meant to do.

“It’s okay,” Hermann murmurs. “You’re still learning, and I will be as patient as you need. But you have to remember those rules, Newton." 

“Are you going to punish me if I forget?”

Hermann shakes his head. “Not unless you truly require it, and even then I’m hesitant. Because you only forget in those moments of panic, when the instinct takes over. I cannot punish you for worrying - that would be like punishing you for being asexual. I will never do that, and if you ever feel that you are being punished for it then you must tell me _immediately._ Understand?”

“Yes,” Newt says quickly - he’s always quick to obey when Hermann gets more intense. “I know you don’t… don’t see it as a bad thing. But sometimes I -“

He breaks off and ducks his head, and Hermann puts his hand to the back of Newt’s neck. “Finish your sentence, please,” he orders gently. 

Newt swallows. “Sometimes I feel like I should be punished for it. And I was going to ask, when we got to talking about rules and punishments… if I do feel like I need to be punished for - for not being able to handle sex, would you do it?”

Hermann sighs. “No, darling, I wouldn’t. I’m sorry, but that is one of my hard limits. I understand that sometimes you feel like you need punishment for certain things and I’m happy to discuss those further, but this one I cannot do. I cannot play a part in reinforcing a belief that is wrong. If I punish you for your asexuality, that gives the message that I believe you should be punished for it, and I will not have that.” 

Newt just nods, still staring at the floor. He wishes he could be as small as he feels.

Hermann rubs the back of his neck soothingly. “I’m glad you brought this to me, though,” he says. “I am sorry I can’t give you this one, but I do want to know if you have things like this that you’d like from me so I can help you with them - either through giving what you need or finding a way around it, which I will work on with this. You’ve been very brave and honest, and I’m proud of you for it." 

Newt looks up and gives him a tiny smile. “Thanks,” he says. 

Hermann smiles in return, soft and gentle. “And Newton, love, just because I won’t punish you for your asexuality doesn’t mean I will ignore the obvious distress that it makes you feel at times. I will just work on another way to help you through it, whether that be talking about how you’re feeling or looking after you in another way. Perhaps… hm…”

Newt frowns. “Hm?”

“Well, this leads us nicely back to our original topic,” Hermann says. “You like to be restrained. Do you experience subspace?”

Newt shivers a little. “Um, yeah,” he admits. “It’s… really good.”

“I’m glad to hear that. And that can be a way to clear your mind as well, correct? To get rid of negative thoughts?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that would probably help.”

“Good. I’ll make a note of that.”  

Hermann does, and Newt leans against him feeling a little relieved - because he hasn’t fucked up. He’s stuck his neck out and been told no; but gently and with good reason and with a promise to help in other ways. Hermann is still going to take care of him.

“Any other rewards?” Hermann asks, drawing him gently out of his thoughts. “We can work on this over time and as I learn more about you; but does anything else spring to mind right now?”

“Um.” Newt thinks about it. “Yeah, just one. I like praise.”

Hermann smiles. “That’s not a reward, my dear. That’s standard practice. I have no intention of letting a day go by without telling you how good you are, how proud of you I am and how lucky I am to have you.”

Newt knows he’s blushing profusely, but he feels warm and safe and so very wanted. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that,” he says. 

“I hope you do. I hope you believe it just as strongly as I do - but then I also hope you don’t, because I love seeing your reaction every time I tell you. It’s rather adorable.” Newt looks down, knowing how red he is right now, and Hermann chuckles gently. “I’ll stop teasing you now. After all, I’d like to give you your reward - and I’d like you to choose. What do you want right now?” 

Newt looks back up at Hermann and considers his options. “I think I want you to hold me for awhile,” he says. “I want to be close to you.”

Hermann smiles. “I can most certainly oblige. Out of interest, how long is awhile?”

Newt shrugs. “How long do I get?”

“All afternoon if you’re so inclined.”

“Probably not that long but… an hour? Maybe?” Newt stands up and follows Hermann over to the bed. “Can I take a nap?” he asks, suddenly a little shy. “You’re just… you’re comfortable, and you make me feel safe.”

Hermann takes off his shoes and lies down, Newt following suit. “Of course you can,” he says, and holds out his arms. Newt settles into them as if it’s second-nature - which it almost is already. “It’s your reward, love. Enjoy it.”

“You know you’re really good to me, don’t you?” Newt asks as he makes himself comfortable and closes his eyes. 

“Oh, my dear, this is just me treating you _right_ ,” Hermann says softly. “However good I may seem to you, just know that you are equally as good to deserve it.”

And that is just incredibly nice to hear, so Newt doesn’t even bother refuting it. “Still, ‘m lucky to have you,” he mumbles.

“Well, I’ll give you that,” Hermann says, and it sounds like he’s smirking. “You take your nap, okay?”

“M’kay. Love you, Hermann.”

“I love you too, darling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two quick notes: first, the term bondage is a tricky one to pin down as to whether it's exclusively full-body restraint or can be used as a blanket term for any kind of restraint. I've used it as the latter here - let me know if I'm wrong about that and I can change it. And I know praise can be used as a reward, but Hermann wants it very clear that Newt doesn't have to jump through hoops to be told that he's good. Hermann thinks Newt is very good and wants to tell him that all the time.


	4. and there's no time to wait, to waste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because he’s had contracts before, had these sessions of sitting here, going through the rules and requirements and always always coming out of it wishing for more. He inevitably has to agree to something that would definitely be a hard limit if he had any say on it, and does so with the knowledge that he won’t be able to fulfil his side of the contract. That eventually he’ll let his dom down.
> 
> But Hermann’s different. Newt knows that already. So maybe this won’t be so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really am astounded by the response to this. Thank you all so very much.
> 
> There's the briefest mention of non-con in here but it's not between these two and never will be. Just a heads up though.

Hermann works very hard over the next week. 

They still have Shatterdome duties, that’s the thing. As much as Newt would love to spend all his time holed up in Hermann’s room, learning about their dynamic and having Hermann be so kind and sweet to him, they do have to work. They have to go back to their lab and stand at opposite sides and work on their projects and bicker.

The bickering was something Newt had been very afraid of, and for the first day in the lab as Hermann’s sub (even though he’s technically not, he still _is,_ he can’t just switch that off), he restrains himself completely. As a result, he gets no work done, and he can tell that Hermann doesn't either. So a long discussion is had about constructive bickering - giving Newt permission to throw barbs as long as he isn’t mouthing off, and giving Hermann the freedom to snap and be stern without Newt feeling punished or reprimanded. 

Ultimately, they decide that work is for work and home is for home and the two stay separate. Of course Newt is still operating under orders when he’s out in public - meals are a big one, as well as generally being polite and respectful, and minding his mouth when he's talking with the techs. Hermann certainly isn’t restricting him from having friends and being able to talk freely, but there are some things that he just isn’t allowed to discuss in public, and that’s okay. That’s natural of all relationships anyway. 

The the only time work and home really mix is if they get through their work quickly enough to take an extended lunch break and decide to eat in the lab. Then, door locked and with no windows, Newt can elect to kneel at Hermann’s side while they eat if he chooses. He does it a couple of times, and it leaves him relaxed and focused for working through the afternoon. And they’re needing to do a lot of working through the afternoon lately, sometimes still into the late hours of the night. 

So, on top of all of that, Hermann is working on the contract. Newt feels a bit bad about that, but Hermann assures him that the long discussions they have just about every evening are Newt’s way of contributing. Over the course of the week, Hermann extracts immense amounts of information from Newt; about his likes, dislikes, needs, areas where rules should be implemented, punishments, and where exactly he draws the line on sexual contact and why. The last point is a discussion of nearly two hours and has Newt in tears a grand total of six times - but then neither of them expected it to be an easy subject. 

Another aspect of working on the contract is Hermann’s research - begun on the first morning, while Newt was still asleep, he learns - into asexuality. He works through the comprehensive journal articles and psychological reports, but also looks into individual stories, reading blogs and watching videos. And he asks Newt a lot of gentle and careful questions. Newt knows it's so Hermann can take care of him better, and does his best to oblige. After all, Newt knows that most people don’t know a lot about asexuality unless they actually _are_ , and it means a lot that Hermann cares enough to look into it for him.

(“You’re mine,” Hermann reminds him when Newt mentions that one day. “You are now my responsibility, and it's my business to know everything and anything that pertains to your wellbeing. And you know I don’t mind a good academic article now and again anyway. It is certainly no hardship.”)

So Newt’s prediction has come at least half true. He can’t actually think of anything Hermann doesn’t know at this point - at least in terms of Newt as a person now; there are probably still some childhood memories and the like that he isn’t aware of - and, to Newt’s astonishment, he’s still here. He'd been so sure that after the whole _definitely no sex_ thing had sunk in, Hermann would have realized he had much better places to be, but…

Well, maybe the other part of Newt’s prediction might come true as well. Perhaps he’s not looking at full self-confidence in two weeks, but he’s beginning to think that maybe he isn’t so broken after all. And that’s kind of amazing. 

What’s really amazing, though, is the day Hermann gives him his contract. 

It’s an ordinary enough Tuesday morning until they reach the lab. As they go to part ways, Hermann catches his hand. “Work hard this morning,” he says. “I want to finish early. I have something for you.”

Newt obeys, but doesn’t twig until about an hour later just exactly _what_ Hermann might have for him. Then he works at triple speed. He’d skip lunch if he were able, but Hermann won’t let that happen, so they go to the dining hall to eat. Tendo joins them and Newt, slightly buzzing with nervous anticipation, barely manages to hold a coherent conversation. 

He can tell Hermann’s amused, but at least he’s kind. Instead of going back to the lab, he leads Newt to his quarters instead. “If we need to, we can go back into the lab later,” he says as he unlocks the door. “But you are just about beyond the point of focusing, and there is no point taking you back there only to have you destroy half the lab with your jittering.” 

As soon as Newt walks in, he sees the differences from the morning - clearly Hermann’s ducked away at some point and set this up. There are two chairs at the desk, which is bare except for a plain folder right in the middle, and a pen beside it. 

And that’s when Newt freezes up. 

Because he’s had contracts before, had these sessions of sitting here, going through the rules and requirements and always _always_ coming out of it wishing for more. He inevitably has to agree to something that would definitely be a hard limit if he had any say on it, and does so with the knowledge that he won’t be able to fulfil his side of the contract. That eventually he’ll let his Dom down.

But Hermann’s different. Newt knows that already. So maybe this won’t be so bad.

Hermann catches the momentary panic and guides him through it. “Come and sit down,” he says, pressing his hand gently to Newt’s back to get him moving. “Do you want to talk about something else first? Or we could do this another day if you’re not ready.” 

Newt sits down, glances at the folder, and shakes his head. “I want to do it now. Please.”

“Okay,” Hermann agrees easily, picking up the folder and flipping through it, before extracting some sheets of paper. He sets the pages on the desk, then turns so he’s facing Newt. “I will give it to you to read through in a few moments,” he says. “Right now, I want to just summarise the main points, point out everything important, and give you a chance to change anything that I may have gotten wrong. Does that sound okay?”

Newt nods cautiously. “Yes, that’s… that’s fine.”

Hermann smiles. “Relax, darling,” he instructs gently. “If there’s something here you don’t like, just say so. Some things need to be there for our mutual safety and happiness, but the bulk of it is very flexible. It’s your contract, after all.”

“Okay,” Newt says. The rest of his words get stuck in his throat, so he clears it and tries to find what he wants to say. “I trust you,” he finally settles on.

It seems to do the trick. Hermann kisses him on the forehead, then picks up another sheet of paper - what Newt guesses is the summarized version. “So, to begin with the basics,” he says, putting on his super dorky and adorable reading glasses, which Newt smiles a bit at. “This is a contract to formalize and proceed with our current Dominant/submissive relationship. As the Dom, I have written this contract to stipulate the way this relationship is to run, incorporating all the rules and requirements, needs, hard limits and other important details that each of us need to know to ensure that we both stay safe, happy and healthy in our relationship. Okay so far?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Now - in a nutshell, you have agreed to submit to me within our private life, but non-sexually.” There’s the first mention of sex, and Newt knows he flinches a little. “I know,” Hermann says, and holds out his hand, which Newt takes. “Let’s address that immediately. Your hard limit is sex and sexual contact. This means that not only do I not dominate you in any manner that could be construed as sexual - and that is a line that you draw, not me - but I also have no sexual contact with you when I am not dominating you. I wanted to put that in there, just to make it very clear to you.”

Newt nods. “Thank you.”

“Of course. We’ve already discussed the rules for sex, so I’ll leave those and move on to other rules. Your primary basic rule is to submit to me, to obey orders when they are given to you unless they directly conflict with any of the terms of this contract, or else to use your safeword to indicate that you are unable to comply. Failure to do this will result in punishment, which will come from the list of punishments agreed on between the two of us and stipulated within this contract. Fair?”

“Fair,” Newt agrees.

Hermann smiles. “I’ll get you to check over the list of punishments one more time before we sign, but I think we have a good list that’s been deemed safe.” Newt nods, and Hermann continues. “Your other basic rules, I’ll just run through quickly. You are to eat three full meals a day and take your medication every morning. You are to attend all of your scheduled doctors appointments and be honest with them about what you are experiencing. You will ensure both of our rooms are neat and clean before we leave for work. You will join me in my bed every night unless there are reasons prohibiting this. You will alert me immediately if you are feeling anxious or likely to experience a panic attack. You will also alert me immediately if your moods shift suddenly, or, and vitally, if I inadvertently do something to upset you. Same for the line in regards to physical contact - if you are uncomfortable, I must know straight away. You have a safeword for if you need to stop submitting to me for a period of time, and you must use it promptly if you feel the need to. There is more detail within the contract for you to look over; but are those the rules you have agreed to within this relationship?”

“Yes. They’re - they’re great. Just what I need." 

“Good. Now, my rules - which really are just a big list of _do not’s_.” Newt smiles, and Hermann returns it. “In brief: do not ask for sex or sexual contact; do not engage in any physical contact that has not been okayed or may be crossing the line; do not attempt to move said line through any type of coercion. Those three are my most important rules as your Dom and, if broken, are grounds for immediate dissolution of the contract.”

Newt blinks. “Wait, what?”

Hermann nods. “Newton, my job as your Dom is to keep you happy, healthy and safe at all times when it is within my power. If I were to do any of those three things, I would no longer be doing that - rather, I would be hurting you, deliberately and cruelly. At that point, it would be unacceptable for you to continue being dominated by me, as I could not promise your safety. I am responsible for you, responsible for looking after you on all matters that you have handed over to me. If I were the one hurting you, this whole relationship would cease to work.”

Newt takes that in slowly. “Okay,” he says. “I guess, I just…”

“What is it, love?”

“Well, I suppose I’m looking at it differently anyway,” Newt reasons out. “My rules are way easier to break - I mean it’s an unfortunate given that I will skip a meal or forget my meds at least once in the future. But I guess it’s not as accidental for you to ask me for sex.”

“Exactly,” Hermann says with a nod. “It’s about intent. If you were to consistently and deliberately break your rules and refuse to obey me, that would be grounds for dissolution as well - and that’s mentioned in the contract - because you would no longer have any intent on respecting me as your dominant. If I were to break any of my rules, it would show that I had no further intent on respecting you as my submissive. But if you were to break a rule now and again simply because you forgot, then that’s okay, because I firmly believe you would be apologetic and accept your punishment and that still shows your intent to be here. Does that make more sense?”

“Yeah. Thanks. Do you have any other rules?”

“Just to look after you - supplying what you need, taking you to doctors appointments and the like - and to be honest and fair with you at all times. But if you think of anything that you feel is needed as a written rule for me, to make you feel safer or better, let me know and we’ll discuss it.” Newt nods and Hermann squeezes his hand before looking back down at his page. “Now, rewards for good behaviour. You know what your rewards are, and you know that I choose when you have behaved well enough to earn them. You also know that I believe you are worthy of reward just about all the time.”

Newt smiles. “I don’t mind that at all,” he teases.

“Of course you don’t,” Hermann says with a smirk. “There’s also a mention that this is a monogamous relationship, excluding any sexual needs I may have in the future - but when that day comes, we will rewrite our contract to approve those changes after lengthy discussion. Regardless of that, I will not take any other submissives, and you will not be dominated by anybody other than myself.” That’s not news to Newt; in fact, it’s a pretty important condition to him. Thankfully Hermann agrees. “I am also not dominating you financially or controlling what you wear and who you see - unless I believe that you are maintaining a relationship that is severely detrimental to your wellbeing. Then I will step in.”

“Hermann,” Newt says very seriously, “I wholeheartedly thank you for not wanting to control my outfits.”

Hermann laughs. “Naturally I will instruct appropriate clothing for weather conditions, but otherwise you are free to choose as you wish. Now, this last point is an important one. We have already mentioned that you have to alert me immediately if you are feeling in any way out of the ordinary in regards to your moods, anxiety or general wellbeing. However, there may be times that you cannot get to me - meetings, conferences, other commitments and such - or you may feel unable to put what you are feeling into words. Naturally I will ask that you try your best to verbally tell me what is going on, but if you cannot, you must express it another way.”

Hermann reaches into the drawer and withdraws a black, leather bound notebook. He hands it to Newt, who examines it, finding all the pages blank. “You want me to journal?” he asks.

“Yes. Not necessarily every day, unless you wish to, but if there are things you cannot say to me, for whatever reason, I will require you to put them in here. Even if we do discuss something and you want to write down further thoughts on it, or what you have learned, that is a good use for it too. It’s a place for your thoughts - however, whatever you put in here will be read by me at the end of every week, and if needed we will then discuss aspects of it.”

Newt nods. “I like it. I can sometimes write better than I can say things, so that might help me get things across to you better, so you can help me more.”

Hermann smiles. “That’s a good way of thinking about it. And if you do require a private journal, we can discuss that, but I would rather you just use this one.”

“I think I’m okay with just the one,” Newt agrees. 

“Good. That’s basically everything for now - and this contract will be in effect for a month unless any of the rules that are grounds for dissolution are broken. At the end of that time we can either renew the contract as it, renegotiate the terms, or part ways, depending on how things are working. Any questions?" 

Newt nods. “You mentioned my hard limit, and I know one of yours is refusing to punish me for - for not being able to have sex. Do you have any others?”

“Yes,” Hermann says easily. “One, but it is sexual in nature, so it doesn’t really apply to our contract.”

“Could I… could you tell me anyway?”

Hermann smiles. “Of course I can. I should say that I do have various areas that I believe I will not go, but I don’t classify them as hard limits as such, simply because I have never been with submissives that have wanted to try it and have not needed to lay that limit down. The one that I have had to implement is that I will not engage on anything that borders on non-consensual, even if it is a role-play scenario and consent is given beforehand.”

Newt shudders a little. “I think even if I were into sex, I wouldn’t want to go near that,” he says. “Thank you for telling me.” 

“You’re welcome. Anything else?”

“I don’t think so. I’ll need to read it to be sure.”

Hermann nods and moves his chair back a little. “Go ahead. Take your time, make sure you fully understand and agree with everything." 

So Newt does. He reads it, word for word. And when he’s finished, he’s trembling a little. 

He knows Hermann’s already told him all of this, already knows the entire contents of the contract… but there’s just something about seeing it here, in black and white, knowing that he and Hermann are going to sign this and live by it and Newt actually _gets to have this_ , that’s a little too overwhelming. It’s amazing how happy he feels right now. 

“What do you think?” Hermann asks. Newt looks at him through tear-filled eyes, and Hermann’s expression softens. “Oh, darling, I hope those are good tears.”

“They are,” Newt promises. “Really good. I just never expected I would get anything like this, ever. There’s always some kind of catch, some kind of _I’ll give you this but you have to give up that_ and - I mean, apart from the usual rules and punishment and things. I know I’m giving up things for you, I’m giving up myself, as much of myself as I can. But in the past it’s never been enough, they’ve always wanted more, more than what I could give, more than what I _was_ \- but you just… you just want _me_.”  

“I do,” Hermann says softly. “I want you, and I want you to be happy. Those two things make me happier than I thought I ever would be. You keep thanking me, Newton, for being good to you and giving you what you need - but I’ve never thanked you. For willingly submitting to me, for trusting me, for giving yourself to me. It still amazes me that you are here, and I promise to treat you as well as I possibly can, not just because you deserve it but also for the honour of having you.”

Newt ducks his head a little as the tears spill over but he’s smiling. “That’s really all the contract is, isn’t it?” he says as he feels Hermann take his hands. “I’m yours, you’re mine and we’ll both be here and be what the other needs?”

“Exactly. I know you worried that the contract wouldn’t feel real enough, that it would seem like the arrangement was too lenient or not _right_ \- but the only thing that makes it right is whether it gives you what you need. Does it?”

“Yes,” Newt says, and pulls his hands away to wipe his eyes. “Can I sign it? Please?”

“Are you completely satisfied with it?”

“I’ve never been happier with a piece of paperwork in my life.” Hermann chuckles and Newt smiles in return. “It’s perfect,” he says, “and I want to sign it before it disappears.”

“No chance of that,” Hermann says, but hands him a pen anyway. Newt signs, quickly but neatly, and then Hermann does the same. “There,” he says once he’s done. “You’re officially mine.”

And Newt can’t help himself - he slides off his chair and onto his knees, by Hermann’s side. It feels too right not to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. So I did a lot of research into contracts, having never had one myself, and I hope I haven't messed up anything. There's more to it than just what Hermann read out, of course, and that'll come out in later stories. But ultimately I think that gives them both what they need at this point in time. As usual, feedback is definitely welcome.


	5. you'll be mine and I'll be yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a box sitting in the middle of Hermann’s bed, and Newt stops in the doorway and stares at it.

There’s a box sitting in the middle of Hermann’s bed, and Newt stops in the doorway and stares at it.

Hermann chuckles, takes his hand and leads him in, over to the bed. He sits and Newt kneels next to him, eyes still on the box. “I thought that might catch your attention,” Hermann says, glancing at it. “Do you think you know what might be in there?”

“No,” Newt says honestly. 

Hermann smiles down at him. “I bought you some presents,” he says. 

“Oh?” Newt says with a frown, then his eyes widen. “ _Oh._ You mean like -?”

Hermann draws the box closer and removes the lid, then pauses. “Would you like to look through it yourself?” he asks. 

Newt shakes his head. “Can you show me?” 

“Yes, of course.” Hermann rummages through the box, then smiles and pulls something out. “Free with purchase,” he says, and shows Newt a basic roll of bondage tape. “It’s not something I think we’ll use much,” he adds, “simply because there are things in here I think you’ll like much more for that purpose.” 

Newt’s heart had sunk a little at the mention of not using the tape - now it’s soaring. “Really?” he asks, as casual as he can. “I’m quite interested in these _things_ now.”

Hermann smirks. “All in good time, my dear. Now, some things in here are a bit more customized. I have chosen everything based on my tastes and on what I think would suit you. However, if you really object to something aesthetically, we can fix that - and, of course, make other purchases later on. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Newt says with a nod. “I don’t think I’ll have any reason to complain. You’ve bought me things, after all, and I didn’t expect that.”

“This is just the beginning,” Hermann says, smiling softly. “I will admit that I intend to spoil you rotten - presuming you behave, of course.”

But Newt knows that isn’t a threat - it’s not hard to behave for Hermann, who asks so little of him and seems genuinely content just to _have_ Newt. And to buy him things, which Newt is still amazed about. “I’ll be very good,” he promises. “Especially if I get to see what else is in this box.”

“If you’re _extra_ good, you’ll get to use it.” Newt puts on his best big eyes and Hermann sighs. “You should not have that much control over me,” he says - but joking, Newt knows. They both know who has the control around here. “Of course you’ll get to use it. It’s for you, after all.”

“You as well,” Newt has to point out.

Hermann smiles. “Yes, that’s true. I’ll certainly enjoy seeing you in a few of these.” He looks back to the box, and his smile grows. “Oh, yes, especially those.”

“Can I see?” Newt asks - almost begs, in fact. “Please?”

Hermann nods, and draws out three gags. One’s a standard silicone ball, another is the breathable type, and the third is unfamiliar to Newt. He frowns it, and Hermann smiles a little sheepishly. “It’s candy,” he says. “I know you have a sweet tooth.”

“Okay, I’m going to want that one a _lot_.”

Hermann chuckles. “I think I can oblige you there, easily. And this might be slight overkill for the first purchase, but I have a weak spot for gags. There’s no pressure to use them all immediately.”

Newt nods. “I think you kind of picked up on the fact that I like them anyway.”

“I thought I saw a bit of a spark when I mentioned having to silence you,” Hermann agrees. 

Newt nods. “Yeah. It’s - it’s nice to not be able to talk sometimes.”

He doesn’t want to elaborate further - to talk about all the times he’s said such stupid things and how he always seems to fuck it up or get it wrong and how the gag takes away that pressure - but Hermann understands. “We’ll discuss how best to use these another time,” he says, and puts them aside. “Now, I took a liberty with this one, because it never came up in discussion, but I added it anyway. There’s no obligation if you’re uninterested.”

Newt looks at the object in question - a blindfold, black and incredibly well-made by the look of it - and nods. “I like it in theory. I’ve never trusted someone enough to let them blindfold me, until you.”

Hermann stops midway through putting the blindfold aside. “You trust me on that level? Already?”

“Well, yeah. It’s _you_ , Hermann. There’s nobody else I’m going to trust more.”

Hermann turns back to him, and he looks amazed - overwhelmed even. He leans down to kiss Newt, soft and simple, and then just looks at him for a moment. Newt, knowing he’s done something very right indeed, just waits until Hermann’s ready to continue. “Well then,” Hermann says quietly after a moment. “I will do my very best to never let that trust be misplaced.”

“I don’t think you could if you tried.”

That’s not true, of course, and they both know it. There are many things Hermann could do to hurt Newt, to break him and his trust, particularly in this dynamic. But Newt trusts that Hermann won’t, and that’s really what matters here. He knows Hermann could break his heart, but he also knows Hermann would do everything in his power to stop that from ever happening. 

Hermann just smiles and reaches into the box again. The next item he removes takes Newt’s breath away, and he’s holding out his hands to touch before he catches himself - but Hermann doesn’t seem to mind. “I thought you might like this one,” he says as he finishes unwrapping, then places the two leather cuffs and connector in Newt’s hands. “The beauty of those is that you can wear them unconnected whenever you choose." 

Newt nods. To the untrained eye they just look like slightly large leather bracelets, and it’s already known that Newt has a penchant for bracelets. But, importantly, to the _trained_ eye, they show that Newt is owned by someone and, in lieu of a collar, it’s the best way Newt's got of showing Hermann’s claim.

Not that people are lining up to try and have Newt or anything. But it’s there to remind Newt, whenever Hermann can’t, that he’s owned and loved and wanted. 

“Can I try them on?” he asks.

“Certainly. Here, let me.”

Hermann takes them back, and Newt holds out his arms, watching Hermann fasten them around his wrists. He can feel immediately that they’re good quality - and how much did Hermann _spend_ on him? - with enough clasps and closures that they’re not coming off easily, and they feel so good against his skin. They look good, too, and Newt just looks at them for a moment, before looking up at Hermann who’s smiling at him. “Could you connect them?” he asks. “Just for a moment. Please?”

Hermann nods and picks up the connector - a short bar with attachments at either end to clip into the rings on each cuff. He connects the two together and watches as Newt tests the limits. “What do you think?” he asks.

"I think I could work like this,” Newt says absently as he considers it. “At least on my laptop or - oh. But only with your permission, of course. I know you decide when I get to be restrained.”

“As if I would deny you something so simple,” Hermann says. “All I ask is that you ask for this when you want it, and that you only do this when I’m here. Of course you can wear the cuffs themselves whenever you want to, but I will keep the connector.”

“Okay.” Newt’s still staring at his wrists, but snaps himself to attention after a moment. “Sorry,” he says, then winces. “Is there a way to apologize for apologizing without apologizing?” he asks. 

Hermann chuckles. “I’ll let it slide,” he says. “I’m glad you’re transfixed anyway - it means I’ve made the right choices. And unfortunately that’s all I’ve bought this time.”

“Unfortunately? Hermann, you’ve bought me _heaps_. And I know good quality when I wear it and this is all the _best_ quality. You are so good to me.”

Hermann smiles - that big one that lights up his whole face and just makes him look adorable. “You deserve it, my dear,” he says. “I’m going to remove the connector now, but you are welcome to keep wearing those if you wish to.” 

Newt nods and watches Hermann unclip the connector and put it with everything else. “Yeah, I think I will,” he says. “They’re really nice.” 

“I’m glad you like them. Now, there is one more thing to discuss in terms of buying you gifts - back when this all came out, when you pointed out all the reasons why you wouldn’t find what you were looking for in life -“  

Hermann pauses and arches an eyebrow, and Newt smiles a little sheepishly. “Okay, I know.”

“Good,” Hermann says softly. “Anyway; I believe you mentioned a collar?”

Newt blinks a couple of times, then swallows hard. “Yes,” he says. “I did.”

“I thought so. But I didn’t want to buy anything without asking you properly. So - Newton, love, would you like me to collar you?”

Newt nods. “Yeah,” he whispers. “I really would.”

Hermann smiles softly. “Okay.” He runs his finger over the collar of Newt’s shirt, his smile growing at Newt’s shiver. “You’ll look beautiful collared, my dear. I’m just working out how wide it needs to be so we can keep it hidden. Would you like to choose one together?”

Newt looks down at his wrists, at the beautiful and elegant leather Hermann’s chosen for him, and shakes his head. “I want you to decide,” he says. “I want it to really be from you.”

“I can do that. Will you come up here a moment?” Newt looks up, frowning, but Hermann’s smiling. “I want to kiss you properly,” he elaborates. “Hard to do from this angle.”

Newt isn’t gonna say no to that. He sits next to Hermann, stretches out his legs for a moment to make sure there’s no pins and needles (Hermann’s rules), then turns to Hermann. “Thank you,” he says before Hermann can kiss him. “I love everything you’ve bought me. And you.” 

“I love you too,” Hermann says, and draws Newt close to kiss him. 

Newt wraps his leather-encased wrists around Hermann’s neck and smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all the loveliest of lovely people. Thank you for the continuous support and love. And it is actually really hard to find gifts like these that don't have any kind of sexual element, which is understandable but also kind of sad.


	6. what a tale my thoughts could tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann likes sex. But Hermann loves Newt. 
> 
> There’s no competition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The biggest of thanks to Tumblr users consultingcriminalzebra and lunaris1013 for their assistance with this chapter (and a later one too). As an asexual person who has never experienced sexual attraction, I couldn’t have written Hermann’s perspective without them and I’m so grateful for their help. That said, any mistakes are freely owned by me.

So, Hermann has a submissive now. 

That in itself sends a bit of a thrill through him, especially at the times he can look down and see Newt kneeling next to him, happy and calm and wanting to be there. It still overwhelms him that Newt would actually do this for him, be _his_. Hermann is so lucky and he knows it. 

He also knows that many other Doms, if he knew any others, would be offering their sympathies at his having to give up sex. They’d be talking him through how to get Newt comfortable with the idea of having sex at some point, bringing it in in small stages - or just ordering Newt to service him sexually. 

Hermann is very glad he doesn’t know any other Doms because he wouldn’t change what he’s got with Newt for the world. 

Perhaps, technically, he doesn’t have all of Newt. But he never would have anyway. There’s always something - a hard limit, a contract condition - that stops anyone from submitting completely and absolutely. Nobody can ever truly be owned by anybody else; there’s always autonomy, no matter how small. And Hermann likes that Newt is still… well, _Newt_. He doesn’t want a mindless slave ready to do his every bidding. He’d build a robot if that was what he wanted.

What he wants is Newt. And if that means he gets Newt in every way but sexually, then that means he gets Newt. Newt is what he wants and what he has and no conditions ever change the value of Newt to him.

So what if he can’t have sex? He hasn’t exactly had a line of sexual partners out his door _ever_ (possibly because they’re all on Tendo’s roster), and his last proper sexual encounter was months ago. Even then, it had been fleeting and not all that fulfilling anyway. He’s had some great sex in the past, and it can be fun and enjoyable and give him what he needs, but it’s not the be all and end all of his life.

Hermann’s never had the strongest of sex drives, as he’s explained to Newt. He enjoys sex, certainly, but he enjoys other things much more than that, like solving a problem that’s been challenging him for days, or a night in with Newt kneeling next to him, stroking his hair. Sex isn’t a priority in his life, and not something he needs _that_ regularly. It is for some, he knows that, and considers himself lucky in this case that he isn’t one of them. He knows many people simply couldn’t do what he does, that for many people sex is as much of a need as food or sleep. Even if he needs to turn to some kind of sexual engagement in the future, as Hermann suspects he one day will, it certainly won’t take up a large part of his life like it does for many. 

Of course there’s still a sexual drive, no matter how small. He’s a sexual person, that’s natural for him. Whether there’s some kind of stimulus or just that tension of needing sexual relief, it’s a part of him and it happens. And Hermann knows Newt’s so worried about it, wanting to know that Hermann can get what he needs and fearing that he’s holding Hermann back in some way. 

That’s what gets difficult sometimes. Newt is mature enough when it comes to talking about sex, but it’s something he much prefers to keep in the abstract, especially now while he’s still fragile and uncertain about his place in Hermann’s life. As soon as it comes down to something like _Hermann’s_ sex drive or needs, it’s awkward and slightly distressing (particularly when Newt starts thinking about not being good enough) and Hermann doesn’t want to distress Newt over something so trivial. So he does his best to make it clear that he’ll take care of himself, and Newt hopefully has stopped worrying quite so much. 

And he does take care of it.

Mornings are the best for him, because he’s always awake a good few hours earlier than Newt, who tends to work later into the night - although not as much lately, much preferring the comfort of Hermann’s quarters than working in the lab. Either way, if Hermann’s felt the tension building, he can draw out his morning shower, utilize the stool that’s in there for the days his leg needs it, and take his time. He finds the longer he takes with it, the better the orgasm, and the longer it will be until the next time he needs to do this. 

In one of the better talks about sex with Newt, they’ve arranged that if Hermann ever needs something more fulfilling than that, or more immediate, then he can send Newt away for an hour while Hermann takes care of himself. Hermann hasn’t utilized that yet, wanting Newt to be more comfortable around him and confident in how much Hermann values him. He might soon, though, just to be able to have a proper long session of pleasure. After all, the endorphin rush will still be ongoing when Newt returns - Hermann can dish out all the feelings of love and care onto him.

Acts that Newt does out of the pure love of submitting need that disassociation from a prelude to sex that Hermann is used to. In the early days of the relationship, it had been an unanticipated struggle. So used to having sexual submissives, Hermann hadn’t quite been able to avoid that immediate spike of arousal from Newt dropping to his knees next to him. It was never something noticeable, and of course Hermann was able to get things under control quickly and calmly, but it had been a learning curve for him. 

That’s something he doesn’t tell Newt about. That’s Hermann’s responsibility, as a Dom to an asexual sub, and he’ll easily and happily take care of that. Newt’s happiness and wellbeing is in his hands, after all. 

Yes, Newt turns him on. Newt, in his bed, thankfully not quite as cuddly as Hermann had predicted, can often cause an unwanted reaction that Hermann also works hard and fast on shutting down. It’s certainly natural for a sexual person to react that way to the proximity of a partner, particularly in the early stages of a relationship, but it’s also rather inconvenient. He doesn’t think Newt has ever noticed, but hopes that if he does, they’ll work through it just like they have with everything else. 

And Hermann simply reminds himself that it means he’s attracted to Newt in every way possible, deals with the issue, and keeps moving forward. 

Hermann likes sex. He likes the enjoyment that comes from it, the pleasure and fun of being with a good partner and having that good sexual connection. He likes the intimacy, the infatuation, the closeness and tenderness towards a sexual partner. He likes not having to think so logically, likes being able to just let his body speak for him. He likes sexual gratification. 

Hermann likes sex. But Hermann loves Newt. 

There’s no competition.

Hermann’s happiness is tied up irrevocably in Newt’s, and no orgasm in the world can ever mean more to him than seeing Newt happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> re: Hermann's thoughts on 'other Doms' - definitely not attacking sexual Doms as a whole. Those are Hermann's thoughts and what Hermann's seen and heard.


	7. I'm not broken or bruised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The panic attacks aren't new.
> 
> Hermann's way of handling them is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little piece I wanted to address.

The panic attacks aren’t new.

Hermann’s way of handling them is.

If he can catch them early enough - if he notices the warning signs or Newt can voice some of his anxiety when it’s just beginning - then he can bind Newt’s wrists. It gives Newt an immediate sense of security, of being held together when he feels like he’s going to fall apart. Then he talks to him, calm and quiet, or puts on a movie and sits with him. He keeps a little bit of distance, because Newt doesn’t like to be touched when he’s close to a panic attack, but stays with Newt the whole time until he works through it.  

Sometimes it doesn’t work. Being bound isn’t always enough, and sometimes it’s actually counterintuitive - it makes Newt feel trapped. Thankfully Newt is good at vocalising that before he gets bound so Hermann knows not to attempt it. There’s only been one time that he didn’t speak up (in his defence, Newt hadn’t been sure what he needed and figured he’d give it a go) and it led to a particularly violent and distressing panic attack that they both learned a lot from.

Then there are the other times, when either Hermann isn’t there or Newt doesn’t get a chance to alert Hermann to a potential panic attack - it just happens. He has certain triggers that work hard and fast and tip him straight over that edge before he even realises what’s going on. And while he does try his hardest to work through the coping mechanisms alone if he can’t get to Hermann, it’s usually not enough. 

As long as Hermann’s not away, he’s always there when Newt ‘comes back’ from an attack disoriented and frightened, and he gets Newt grounded again by focusing on small and simple things - pressing his palms against the nearest solid surface (usually the floor, it’s where he ends up for most attacks), identifying certain objects or colours in the room, holding the cool obsidian stones he usually wears around his wrist and running them through his fingers to count each one. And Hermann talks, his voice gentle but strong - another anchor. Sometimes it takes a long time, but Hermann is so patient with him; more than Newt deserves, really. 

Newt never really knows what goes on during the attacks themselves. He’s caught in his mind, can only hear the roaring panic and can’t focus on the world around himself until it recedes. He’s asked Hermann what he does, who explains that he simply talks to Newt (talks _at_ him, really) about nothing in particular; it’s the tone of his voice that seems to help. Newt has vague recollections of hearing Hermann while he’s in an attack, but never anything concrete. He trusts that Hermann knows what he’s doing, though. Hermann always knows what he’s doing. 

And then there’s after, when all the panic is gone and Newt’s breathing normally again and he doesn’t feel so much like the world is ending. That’s when Hermann takes him to the closest comfortable surface and lies down with him, holding him. Sometimes Newt cries; sometimes he talks. Sometimes he just lies there and remembers that he’s okay. 

They’re not going to end, not any time soon. There’s too much going on his mind, too much that’s always been there, and he’s not just going to ‘get over this’ and ‘get better’ now that he has someone to help him. But he keeps going to his appointments and keeps taking his meds and keeps trying all the coping techniques - because Hermann won’t let him give up. And even if it isn’t over, it is easier; and Newt had never thought that would happen either. 

So maybe they will end one day. And maybe they won’t. But either way, Hermann’s going to keep him put together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm never going to explicitly put a name to Newt's mental health issues, but I think it's more or less fanon/canon now that he has them and that panic attacks are certainly something he suffers from. It's something that'll come up in future chapters (though it's not a massive plot point) so I wanted to just look at it briefly on its own before I start bringing it in as something more constant.
> 
> I'm hoping to keep up a regular-ish schedule of every four to five days for updating this, but I can't make any promises - school and internship are keeping me busy.


	8. speak to me 'cause I'm feeling like hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann’s here to help him fight his demons. But he can’t do it alone. They’re Newt’s demons, after all, and if Newt fuels their fire, then it’s two against one. Them against Hermann.
> 
> Newt doesn’t want to be against Hermann.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was having a bad night when I wrote this. Since I don’t have a Hermann to tell me there's nothing wrong with me and I’m not broken, I lumped it all on Newt so he could hear it instead. Consider this chapter very autobiographical, minus the ‘actually having a Dom’ bit.
> 
> Brief warning for some of the language Newt uses about himself - use of the words 'broken' and 'wrong' far too many times.

Newt wakes up in Hermann’s bed every morning. Usually he’s alone, Hermann either working at his desk or gone to pick up breakfast. Some mornings Hermann stays in bed; even better mornings Hermann isn’t awake when Newt wakes up. Those are Newt’s favourites because sleeping Hermann is _precious_. 

So it's normal. He’s used to it, used to waking up and knowing he’s in a place where he belongs and is loved. 

This morning Newt wakes up in Hermann’s bed, looks over at the empty spot next to him and thinks _god, no wonder Hermann gets out of bed the second he can, since he knows full well he’ll never have any sex in here._

And that’s when Newt knows it’s going to be a bad day.

He sits up, instinctively curling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs. He watches Hermann work - Hermann, his Hermann, who has given up so much for Newt and god, why, _why_ is he shackling himself like this? Why doesn’t he find someone better than _Newt_?

His breath catches on a sob he didn’t even realize was coming, and Hermann stops working and turns. “Newton?” he asks, immediately getting up and crossing the room to sit next to him. “What is it?”

He reaches out to put his hand on Newt’s shoulder and Newt flinches. And promptly hates himself.

Hermann stops. He moves his hand away, then just looks at Newt for a moment. “It’s bad,” he says softly, “but I don’t know what it is. Will you tell me?”

Newt doesn’t respond. He just blinks at Hermann helplessly and tries really hard not to cry. 

Hermann sighs. “I’m sorry to do this, love, but I can’t help if I don’t have any information. This is now a direct order. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m wrong,” Newt says without thinking. 

And Hermann suddenly looks about ten years older. For a long, painful moment, he just stares at Newt, as if trying to reconcile himself to the words. “Okay,” he finally says, and at least he still sounds like he’s in control. “Let me be sure we’re on the same page here; is this about your asexuality?”

Newt shudders a little against the word, but nods. “Why do you waste your time with me, Hermann?” he asks, and two of the tears he’s been suppressing slip out, splashing onto his knees before Newt really realizes. “I’m not good enough. I never will be.”

“Oh, Newton,” Hermann murmurs. “Oh, my love. Tell me what brought this on, please.”

Newt shakes his head. “Nothing. Nothing, I just - woke up. Knew I wasn’t okay. And I… I know why you always wake up early and go and have a shower, I know what you’re - what you're doing. What I can’t give you." 

“I don’t -“ Hermann begins, then stops. “Not every morning,” he says instead. “It isn’t - Newton, I don’t wake up and wish I could be having sex with you instead. I do what I have to do, it certainly isn’t important -“

“It’s a part of your life. _Sex_ is a part of your life, you’re sexual. But you can’t be because of me, you can’t get what you need and what you want and it’s something I should be able to give you, _especially_ because you're my Dom. You should - you should be able to order me to do it and I should be able to give you that.”

“And that would never be pleasurable for me,” Hermann says softly. “That would be force, and to force you to do something you didn’t want to for my enjoyment is abuse in my book. I will never do that.” 

“I should be able to do that without you needing to force me. I should want it.” Newt whimpers and hides his head. “I’m _wrong_ , Hermann. There’s something wrong with me and I don’t want you to put up with it any longer. I’m… I’m breaking the contract.”

“No, you’re not,” Hermann says calmly, and his tone has shifted into something much sterner than Newt is used to.

Newt lifts his head to stare at him. “What?”

“You’re not breaking the contract,” Hermann repeats. “You have not broken any rules that are grounds for dissolution, you have no factors within this relationship that are hurting you if you stay, and I have not broken the rules either. You have no reason within the framework of our contract to leave, unless you have chosen that you no longer wish to submit to me, and I will not believe you if you say that is true. I know the truth, and I’m not letting you leave.”

Newt keeps staring. “I could use my safeword,” he says after a few minutes of silence.

“And I would honour it,” Hermann says with a nod. “But the condition of your safeword is that you stay and speak with me about the cause unless you are feeling unsafe in my presence.” 

“What if I end up having a panic attack?”

“Then I’ll talk you through it, as I always do. I certainly will not let you leave if you are feeling panicked, and that is in your contract as well.”

“Goddamnit, Hermann, let me _go_.”

“No,” Hermann says firmly. “Not for the reasons you are proposing. I refuse. You are in this contract, Newton, and you will not run away at the first sign of trouble or when you think you’ve become too much for me. I am the one who gets to decide that, not you. You are not leaving; we are going to work through this _together._ ”

“ _Why?_ ” Newt bursts out, and now the tears are back but he can’t help it, he can’t _understand._ “Why are you fighting so damn hard for… for _me_? You could have anyone, Hermann, any submissive would give you everything you wanted -“

“You give me everything I want.” Newt opens his mouth to argue and Hermann gives him the look, the one that makes him immediately stop. “Newton, you are becoming hysterical. You need to take a deep breath and settle down. I know this hurts and you’re upset and scared but it will be okay. Trust me. Do you still trust me?”

“Yes, of course -“

“Then do as I say. Follow my orders. I will get you through this.”

And he trusts that. He has to. 

So Newt takes some deep breaths and settles down a little and yeah, okay, Hermann was right, he had been getting hysterical. At least now he’s a little calmer - though no less upset - and hopefully can get his points across logically. “Can I ask you something?” he begins.

“Yes." 

“Would you not prefer a sexual submissive?”

“Over you?”

“Over a non-sexual submissive.”

Hermann raises an eyebrow. “I am not giving you an answer to that question until you word it correctly. There is no hypothetical in this situation, and you will not bait me into giving an answer to suit your purposes when you know full well it is out of context and therefore incorrect.”

Newt bites his lip. He hates being reprimanded. “Would you rather have a sexual submissive than me?” he asks.

“That’s better. No, Newton, I wouldn’t. Have I not made that clear yet?”

“But I - okay. What about this; what if there were two of me? One sexual, the other… the other one me. Which one would you pick?”

Hermann sighs. “Think about how you just worded that - and I know it was done to avoid having to state the word _asexual_ , but you gave something very telling away as you did. You said: _one sexual, the other one me._ You suggest that both are you, yet the sexual Newton is separated entirely from your concept of yourself. That Newton does not exist and could not be the same Newton who I have here with me, as his life would have been very different. And, as I love you completely as you are, I would choose you. This Newton, _my_ Newton.” 

“But -“ 

“Stop,” Hermann orders, and Newt does. “This is not a question of whether I want you or not, because it is abundantly clear by now that I do. If I wanted you gone, I would have allowed you to break your contract instead of refusing to let you go. This is about you, Newton. This is about how you feel about yourself and, no matter how much I tell you otherwise, that you have woken up today and decided that you are… words that I will not even speak.”

“Wrong? Broken? Unnatural? Completely and utterly -“

“ _Stop._ ”

Newt snaps his mouth shut and stares at Hermann. He’s actually a little bit afraid. 

Hermann sighs and softens his tone. “I apologise. That was harsh. But those are unacceptable words and I will not allow you to speak them any longer. Why do you hurt yourself so with them?" 

“They… they hurt whether I say them or not. They’re there. They’re how I feel. They’re what I am.”

“They are not,” Hermann says. “I will accept that you may feel that way at times, but those words are not true.”

“Says you.”

“Yes, says me,” Hermann agrees. “And I do believe I am a point of authority in your life, someone you normally listen to.” Newt flinches and Hermann sighs again. “That was not a reprimand… well, not much of one. But Newton, listen. You trust me enough to tell you what to do. Will you trust me enough to tell you who you are, until you can see it for yourself?”

“I - I can’t promise I’ll believe you.”

“That isn’t what I asked. Will you _trust_ me?”

“Yes,” Newt says immediately and instinctively, because yes, of course he trusts Hermann. “But -“

“No. No conditions. You either trust me to show you or you don’t, and if you trust me then you should trust that what I’m saying is the truth." 

“Truth is subjective.”

Hermann sighs. “See, I knew you’d say that,” he says. “You’ll always find a way to let yourself be hurt.”

And Newt stares in horror as Hermann closes his eyes against tears of his own. “What?” he says immediately. “Hermann, no, no, don’t - please don’t cry. Why are you crying?”

“Because you can’t see it,” Hermann murmurs. “You really can’t - I know, through your own eyes, you struggle sometimes and I understand that. But _look through mine,_ Newton. Don’t push it away as a _subjective truth_ , because my truth matters. Look at how I think of you, how wonderful and amazing you are, how much I love you just as you are. I’m not… I’m not trying to fix you, because you aren’t broken. I just want to help the part of you that thinks you are to realize that you are _not_ , and I… I had hoped that you might have seen, by now, the way I see you, and been able to use that to help yourself see how you truly are when you are hurting like this. You can see the good that I see in the good times, you agree with it then; so why do you refuse to look through my eyes, which have not changed, when things are bad?”

“I’m trying,” Newt whispers. 

Hermann looks at him, and the next words are the worst Hermann has ever said to him. “No, you aren’t,” he says. “Not today. You aren’t trying at all.”

Newt stares. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to comprehend how much that _hurts_. 

“Do what you have to,” Hermann says. “I will wait until you see the truth in my words.”

Newt curls back into a ball, hiding away from Hermann. Hermann, who’s supposed to love him and look after him and be _kind_ and - and not be like _this_. Hermann’s the one who tells Newt how good he is, not that he’s not _trying_ because Newt _is_ trying, he’s - he’s…

Okay, fine, he’s being a _bit_ argumentative. And - and maybe he isn’t _really_ listening to what Hermann’s saying - but Hermann says that all the time, he doesn’t really _mean_ it, he - 

But Newt’s _upset_. Of course he's going to not want to hear the words, Hermann surely can't expect him to -

Hermann can expect him to. 

Hermann’s here to help him fight his demons. But he can’t do it alone. They’re _Newt’s_ demons, after all, and if Newt fuels their fire, then it’s two against one. Them against Hermann.

Newt doesn’t want to be against Hermann. 

Hermann’s right - he’s not trying. He’s sitting here, just like always, letting the dark words hurt him while Hermann _cries_ and tries to tell Newt just how wonderful he thinks he is and all Newt _wants_ right now is to feel wonderful and like he’s okay and Hermann’s trying to tell him that and show him that and Newt’s just not…

“Who gets to say I’m wrong, anyway?” he says quietly, and lifts his head.

Hermann smiles. “There’s my Newton,” he says. “I knew you were in there somewhere. Are you going to fight with me instead of against me?" 

“Yeah. Yeah, I will. And I know I don't deserve…” He swallows the words back, and just asks for what he wants. “Can I have a hug?”

Hermann wraps his arms around him in response and thank god, it’s still his Hermann. “I'm not cross with you, darling,” he murmurs. “Not one bit. I’m cross with those thoughts, and we’re putting a halt to them, together. Tell me what we’re working against.”

Newt closes his eyes and does. “I feel inferior,” he says. “I feel like I’ve let you down, that you deserve a sexual submissive. I feel like I’m not right, that I don’t count because I’m not… not like everybody else. I feel broken.”

“You don’t seem broken,” Hermann says softly. “Naturally you are _not_ , but you don’t seem like you _feel_ broken. Not truly.”

Newt considers that. “I… I think I feel like I _should_ feel broken,” he says after a moment. “Which still hurts, by the way, because that means there’s a standard and I’ve failed it enough that I feel I should judge myself as wrong against it. But I don’t feel so… useless, or unwanted.”

“That would be because you are neither useless nor unwanted. And I don’t know what this standard of _brokenness_ is, but I think it’s rubbish. You are _whole_ , Newton. You are not missing any parts of yourself -" 

“Sex drive?”

“In my eyes, there are two things that make a person,” Hermann says. “His brain and his heart. Both of yours are not only intact, but fully functional and superior. You are a genius, my dear, and capable of so much love, in so many ways. There is nothing wrong with you.”

“I… I like that,” Newt admits. “It makes me feel good.”

“That’s my aim,” Hermann says with a smile. “As for not being like everybody else - would you want to be anyway?”

“Well, no -“

“Then forget that. Nobody is like anybody else. Just because I’m sexual doesn’t mean I can relate to every other sexual person - am I Tendo?”

Newt chuckles. “You are definitely not Tendo,” he confirms.

“Excellent. And a relief; I do not have his… expertise.”

“Believe me, you don’t want it. The stories I’ve heard…”

Hermann rolls his eyes. “What was your last point? Some tripe about letting me down?" 

“I take it you disagree.”

“You could not do more for me, Newton, if you set yourself on fire.”

“Is… is that something you _want_?”

Hermann smirks. “Now I wonder what would happen if I said yes. No, of course it isn’t, it was merely the closest analogy, badly chosen. My point is, you give so much to me that there is no way you could let me down. I am still amazed, every day, that you give so much of yourself so willingly. I deserve nothing more than what you choose to give me - what _any_ submissive would choose to give me. You give me everything within your capability to give, everything that would keep this as a healthy relationship, and I love you so much for it. If you ever tell me again that you’ve let me down, I will start blaming myself for not showing you how precious you are to me.”

Newt doesn’t really know what to say. 

“One final thing,” Hermann says after a few moments. “Am I of any less value to you because I am a sexual person?”

“What? Hermann, no. Of course not. Why on earth would you be?”

“There are things I cannot give you that an asexual Dom would be able to. Would it not be easier for you to have an asexual Dom?”

Newt blinks. “I - but you fill the same role -“

“Not precisely. I cannot understand, in the same way an asexual Dom would. I cannot provide proper empathy, I cannot relate. And I have sexual urges and desires, which are something that makes you uncomfortable. Would you not prefer an asexual Dom over me?" 

“No.”

“No?”

“No. How could I? You give me exactly what I need anyway and I can’t ask you to change the fact that you’re sexual, it’s who you… ah. Well done.”

“Thank you,” Hermann says, smirking slightly. “Do you think about the fact that I’m sexual very much?”

“Not really. Only when I’m, y’know, agonising.”

Hermann smiles a little. “I rarely think about your asexuality, Newton,” he says gently. “I did at first, because I wanted to be certain that I would not hurt you in any way, but I found that it was something I needed to think about less and less. It does not impact on us in any way, apart from days like these, which I hope will become rarer. I hope through time and through my help, you will feel less like…”

“Those words you won’t say,” Newt says with a wry grin. “Yeah. Me too. And I am trying - I wasn’t before but I do generally… and I am now. Your words help a lot when I can believe them.”

“And no matter how hard they might be to believe, I will never lie to you, Newton, I swear. Perhaps… we could always Drift? Would that help you see how I see you?”

Newt considers it. Drifting would show him the truth, show him exactly what Hermann’s thinking, as opposed to what he’s saying…

But the two are the same. 

“No,” he says. “Your word is good enough for me - and I’ll believe what you’re saying about me. No matter what my thoughts might tell me, I know you don’t think I’m broken… and I trust you a lot more than those thoughts.”

And Hermann’s smile tells him he’s made exactly the right choice. 

“I don’t deserve you,” Newt says. Hermann’s smile drops, and Newt shakes his head. “Not like that. I could be the best person in the world and I still wouldn’t be good enough for you. You’re wonderful, Hermann. And I - I’m sorry, I’ve been so awful to you this morning.”

Hermann kisses his forehead. “Completely forgiven, darling. You know I will never punish you for the things you say in distress. And I owe you my apologies. I was very strict with you when you were upset, and I should have been kinder.”

Newt shakes his head. “You shouldn’t have. I wasn’t listening, I wasn’t thinking straight. I - I should never have tried to leave, that was horrible of me.”

“It was a natural response, my dear. You were frightened, you wanted to run. It is my job to not let you when I know the safest place for you is with me.” 

Newt smiles. “Thank you,” he says quietly.

“You’re very welcome. Are you feeling better?" 

“Yeah. Still a little bit…” He shrugs, not sure how to put it into words - because he feels _better_ , sure, but the lingering sense of _not_ being better is still there. It’s not something that’ll bring him down, not today, but it’s just enough to take the edge off his normal good mood. He’ll still be happy and cheerful, just not quite as much. 

Thankfully, Hermann doesn’t ask him to explain. “I’ll keep an eye on you,” he says. “Make sure to vocalize what you need promptly so I can give it to you.” 

“I will. It might just end up being lots of hugs.”

“Good. That’s just what I wish to give you anyway.” Newt smiles a little, then suddenly a lot, and Hermann catches it. “What was that thought?” he asks. 

“Just remembering. You, um, you said something. Earlier. That I didn’t quite appreciate at the time.”

“What was that?”

“If ‘sexual Newton’ existed, he wouldn’t be me. He’d be a different person entirely and he probably wouldn’t have ended up as your submissive at all. So - so I’m kinda glad. Because being asexual sucks sometimes but being yours is wonderful all the time.”

Hermann smiles too. “That is lovely to hear. You cannot change what always is and what has been, but you can appreciate what they bring you now.” 

“I’m getting that one put on a t-shirt,” Newt can’t help saying.

Hermann rolls his eyes. “Thank you for killing the mood, Newton.”

“You’re welcome,” Newt says with a grin. “So, still no punishment for being a brat?”

Hermann shakes his head. “But the day is still young,” he says, smirking a little. “You have plenty more hours in which to be a brat, and I don’t doubt you will _just_ manage to toe the line all day without actually breaking any rules.”

“I’ll take that as a challenge,” Newt says, and kisses the smirk right off Hermann’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as usual for the amazing support this fic is getting. I really appreciate it, particularly the messages I get over on Tumblr.


	9. the best thing that's ever been mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If it were biologically possible for humans to produce feline sound patterns, Newt would be purring his heart out right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a delight to write, especially after the hurt of the last chapter. I hope it's just as good to read.

”Delivery for Doctor Gottlieb?”

Newt doesn’t even look up - it’s normal enough for one of them to be getting a delivery just about any given day. He keeps writing his reports as Hermann walks over to sign for the package and doesn’t pay any attention until Hermann stops at his desk. “Newton?” he asks. “How busy are you right now?”

Newt glances up at him. “This is due tomorrow, but I have all of tomorrow to work on it, so not very. Why?”

Then he sees the box in Hermann’s hand, and his eyes widen as he realizes.

Hermann smiles. “Come to my room?”

“Yes,” Newt says and shoots to his feet. “Definitely.” 

Hermann holds out his arm - a silent way of reminding Newt to walk calmly and keep his pace - and they head to Hermann’s room. Newt shoots sneaky glances at the box in Hermann’s hand, but it doesn’t tell him much. Nondescript, no mention of any kind of store, no pictures - just Hermann’s address. 

That’s probably best, after all. Most people don’t really want it advertised when they’ve ordered a collar.

Once they’re in Hermann’s room, Hermann sits down on the couch and gestures for Newt to sit next to him. “Now,” he says, turning to face him, “before I open the box, we need to discuss the terms.”

Newt’s _itching_ to see it, but he nods. “Okay.”

“Good. Are there any particular conditions you feel you need around being collared?”

Newt thinks about it for a bit. “I don’t know how you feel about punishment,” he says slowly, “but I don’t think I’d handle it too well if one of my punishments was having my collar taken away.”

“No,” Hermann agrees immediately. “I don’t like that either - your collar should not be linked to punishment at all. Giving this to you is a sign of my ownership of you, and you are still mine even if you have misbehaved and require punishment. The collar will not come off for any part of the punishment process… unless you safeword, that is.”

Newt nods. “So that’ll be more of a… a sign of the fact that I’ve needed to stop being owned for a bit?”

“That sounds about right. Ideally it will give you a sense of freedom to speak and act as you wish.”

“As ideal as a situation where I’ve safeworded can be,” Newt points out, then bites his lip.

Hermann just nods. “I know. But it hasn’t happened yet, and when it does we’ll handle it. Now, how do you feel about others seeing it?”

Newt makes a bit of a face. “Not really that great? There are a few people… more like a couple… okay, one. One person who I’d be okay with showing it to. Anybody else, it’d be a bit iffy." 

“Understandable. I feel the same. Let’s just say that we’ll make that decision together if the situation arises, okay?”

“Okay.”

Hermann smiles. “There’s one other time I’d like for the collar to come off,” he says, “and that’s if we ever need to have a discussion of equals. Those would be times such as contract renegotiation, talks about our relationship, serious issues that need us both to come to a decision about them, and other such things. What do you think?”

Newt’s a bit hesitant there. “I can see why it’s important,” he says. “But sometimes if we’re having a serious conversation, you know I get kinda upset.”

“Yes, I do,” Hermann says softly. “So we’ll make that one a case by case basis as well. I can ask to remove your collar for a discussion, but you can refuse if you really don’t feel okay with it.”

“Sounds good. Anything else?" 

Hermann chuckles. “You just want to see it, don’t you?” Newt shrugs sheepishly and Hermann reaches over to the desk for his box opener - a device that Newt finds adorable and teases him to no end about, but decides he should probably keep quiet about today. “Let me just check that it’s to my specifications first,” Hermann says and looks up at him. “Close your eyes.”

Newt pouts, but does as ordered. “Am I allowed to ask how much you spent on me this time?”

“You’re allowed to ask, certainly. Just don’t expect an answer.”

“You’re too damn good to me, Hermann.”

“I am not even close to being good enough,” Hermann says, and there’s a rustling of paper, then the sound of the box being put aside. “Yes,” Hermann says after a moment, and he sounds satisfied. “I think that will do nicely. One last thing - do you require a written contract for terms around your collar? I was thinking of just putting it in our rewrite next week, but if you’d like something more formal before I collar you, for your own security, that is completely acceptable." 

Newt shakes his head. “I trust you. And I don’t want to wait.”

Hermann chuckles. “I know you don’t. Alright. You may look.”

Newt opens his eyes, and all of his eager anticipation immediately flatlines. He stops and stares, without speaking or even blinking. 

“Newton? If you don’t like it, we can get another -“ Newt looks up, and Hermann cuts himself off. “Tears,” he says quietly. “So that either means I’ve done something very wrong, or very right.”

“When do you ever do anything wrong?” Newt says, his voice barely above a whisper. “Hermann… you actually want me to wear that? You - you think I’m good enough to deserve it?”

“My love, if I could have gotten it made out of gold, it still wouldn’t be enough to be what you truly deserve. Of course you’re good enough: you are so good, and if you’ll accept then I would be overjoyed to have the honour of collaring you.”

Newt just nods. His words are gone.

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted a ceremony of any kind, though,” Hermann says. “I don’t believe we would have any guests, but if you wished to have a more formalized way of doing this, I can oblige - though it will take a bit longer to arrange.” 

“When have we ever been formal?”

Hermann smiles. “That’s a no, then?”

“No. No, I want to wear it now.”

“Okay. But look it over first, tell me that you’re completely satisfied." 

Newt takes the collar from Hermann and slowly turns it over in his hands. He already knows there won’t be any faults if it’s met Hermann’s standards, and there’s a reason he asked Hermann to choose instead of having any input - Hermann, despite his clothing, has impeccable taste. 

The collar is black leather, thin enough to hide under his shirt but still solid - reassuringly so. It's not flashy or garish like some of the ones Newt has seen in his searches, nor does it have any words on it. It’s simple, but so clearly quality, and Newt smiles as he runs his fingers over it. “Yes,” he says, and hands it back. “Very.”

Hermann nods, and removes another item from the box - the key. “I’ve been told it will stay closed without being locked,” he says. “This is completely up to you.”

Newt’s all set to say yes immediately, then pauses. Because yeah, he wants nothing more than to have the collar locked around his neck with only Hermann able to take it off - but this is serious. For Newt, it’s almost more serious than signing the contract, and the last thing he wants to do is commit fully and then have to back down a little later on. “Maybe without at first,” he says. “Just while I adjust.”

“I think that’s a good decision.” Hermann gently undoes Newt’s tie, then the top buttons of his shirt, brushing his fingers lightly over Newt’s neck. “Am I the first to collar you, Newton?”

“I had a - uh, a training collar once,” Newt admits. “I never progressed.”

Hermann makes a displeased noise. “While I respect the way other Doms choose to operate, I personally dislike that method. If I have taken you as mine and I am choosing to collar you, it means you are already good enough. I am not _training_ you, you are simply learning. As I am too.”

Newt nods. “And we had a relationship already,” he points out. “We knew we worked together before you took me as your sub.”

“Very true. That is an important factor - well spotted.” Newt smiles and Hermann returns it. “Are you ready?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”  

And Hermann lifts the collar and fastens it around his neck. 

Newt immediately closes his eyes and bows his head a little, just feeling. He knew the leather was reassuringly solid, and it remains just that now - reassuring. Comforting. It’s a symbol of Hermann’s ownership, of Hermann wanting him, of him being good enough for Hermann. This thin leather band around his neck is how much Hermann loves him. And it’s also how much Newt loves Hermann, that he’ll wear it. 

He looks up at Hermann, only to find him staring at Newt’s neck. He’s smiling softly and Newt has to smile too because he’s never seen Hermann look so _content._ “It looks beautiful,” Hermann murmurs. “ _You_ look beautiful. You really are mine, aren’t you?”

“I am. I’m yours.” 

Hermann touches his collar, stroking the leather softly, then works his finger under the leather and gently tugs it. Newt makes a low contented noise in his throat, and Hermann’s smile grows. “Yes,” he agrees. “My Newton. My sweet, precious, _good_ Newton.”

If it were biologically possible for humans to produce feline sound patterns, Newt would be purring his heart out right now. 

He leans into Hermann’s side and Hermann pets his hair with his other hand and that’s it, Newt is _gone_. He wraps his arms around Hermann and closes his eyes and stays there for a very long time.

***

They sit down for their rewrite session the following week, and apart from the collar terms only minor changes are made. Hermann suggests extending this version of the contract to two months and Newt has no hesitation in agreeing and signing. 

He also has no hesitation in asking his next question.

“Can you lock my collar?” he asks as Hermann puts away the new version of their contract. “Please?”

Hermann turns back and he’s smiling. “Yes,” he says. “I certainly can.”

He pulls the key out of his pocket and Newt has to smile too - Hermann’s been carrying it with him, waiting for Newt to ask. Hermann wants this just as much as he does. “I love you,” Newt can’t help saying.

“I love you too, my darling.” 

The key clicks in the lock and Newt feels more secure than he has in his life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now's as good a time as any to put it out there - this fic is open to suggestions/prompts for any particular things you may want to see. There may be nothing, but if there is something that you'd like to see the two of them work through, or perhaps something about their dynamic I haven't addressed that you think I should have, drop a review or shoot me a message on Tumblr at commanderchoi - Tumblr is better because then we can chat about it a bit, but either is fine (also Tumblr is great for more than just fic ideas, come and say hi if you feel inclined to because I love meeting new people)


	10. made a wrong turn once or twice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And this is why he needs this, so damn much, because otherwise Newt would’ve agonised over this for days. The punishment gives him the feeling of actually earning the forgiveness he can now accept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay on this chapter. I've had a rough time with my anxiety over the past week, as well as issues with getting this chapter just right. I hope it makes up for the delay.

The problem is, Newt likes attention. 

See, it shouldn’t be a problem. He’s got Hermann who lavishes attention on him, Hermann who is kind and sweet but also stern and everything Newt needs. When it comes to the attention department, Newt’s got it sorted. 

The real problem is, Newt’s a show-off. 

So when conversation rolls around to how things have changed since the war, when they’ve finished discussing how empty the place feels and the strangeness of not having the pilots around, Newt just can’t help himself. “Some things don’t change, though,” he says. “The lab is still exactly the same.”

“Yeah, I noticed you two hadn’t removed the tape,” Tendo says. “Dating doesn’t excuse entrails?”

“Apparently not,” Newt says with a smirk. “I still get the dour mathematician look if I dare to make a mess.”

He winks at Hermann, who rolls his eyes. He’s smiling a little, though, which is a good sign. “If you will continue to make fun of my chalkboards, I will continue to dislike your mess.”

“Well at least my mess is in this century, y’know?” Newt turns back to Tendo who’s smirking too - he’s heard all of this before. “Sometimes it’s like sharing a room with my grandfather, I swear. The sweaters don’t make it any easier - and the grumpiness. You without your coffee is  _nothing_ on Hermann when he’s having a bad day, my god.”

Tendo laughs; but next to Tendo, Hermann is now not smiling quite so much. He’s got an eyebrow raised and Newt can read that glance in a second -  _you're toeing the line._

Newt takes all of another second to decide what to do with that information. He looks back at Tendo and the others, who are focused on him, and Newt is weak. He knows he is. 

He keeps going.

“He still won’t go anywhere near my room,” Newt says, dropping his voice faux-conspiratorially. “The man starts dating me and he’s  _surprised_ when he learns I’m not tidy? I mean, come on. He knew what he was getting into when he decided to drop the ‘I’m Hermann Gottlieb and I don’t give a fuck about anybody else’ persona and date me. You think he’d tolerate a little mess.”

Tendo rolls his eyes. “Newt, honey, I’ve seen your room. That’s not a  _little_ mess. You just about need the sanitation team through there. I kinda don’t blame Hermann for that one.”

“Thank you, Tendo,” Hermann says, and he’s stopped smiling completely. 

Newt only glances at him for a second before looking away. He’s beginning to feel a little uneasy, but the others are egging him on. As long as he doesn’t look at Hermann, and as long as Hermann doesn’t actually  _say_ anything, then it’s fine. It’s all fine. 

Right?

“At least it has character,” he says. “Hermann’s room is all whitewashed and metal and  _nothing_. But then I was hardly surprised. I didn’t expect to find anything interesting in there - I was surprised not to find more blackboards, actually. As if Hermann would have a  _life_ outside work. He’d have to speak a language other than numbers and I don’t think he’s capable of that.”

“Anyone would think you two still hated each other, the way you carry on,” one of the guys says, chuckling. 

And that, more than anything else, is what triggers Newt to the fact that perhaps he’s gone too far.

“It’s… a good thing I speak his language then,” Newt says quietly, and lowers his head to poke at his food. It’s probably best that he stops talking right about now. 

When Newt chances a glance at Hermann, he sees stern eyes and a mouth set in a firm line. Hermann meets his look, expression unwavering, and doesn’t look away until Newt breaks eye contact, staring down at his hands.

Oh hell. He’s really fucked this one up. 

It’s not that he’s said anything  _awful_ , but it’s the way he spoke which Newt knows is the problem. He set out to make fun of Hermann, to say detrimental things about Hermann and make others laugh, and to make other laugh  _at_ Hermann. And Hermann is such a private person - saying shit like that, about his room and his personal life and their relationship, it’s not on. Especially not saying things so  _cruelly._

He knows he’s in trouble.

But Newt also knows he has to finish his meal. Hermann doesn’t let him leave until he’s cleared his plate, so Newt diligently forces the now tasteless food into his mouth, effectively dropping out of the conversation completely. He gets an odd glance from Tendo, but Newt ignores it and eventually Tendo moves on with the others, onto a new conversation that doesn’t feature Newt at all. That’s fine with him right now.  

When Newt’s finished, Hermann immediately stands. “Have a good afternoon,” he says to everybody, then turns and walks away.

“Bye,” Newt says quickly, scooping up his and Hermann’s trays, then hurrying after him. 

He deposits the trays and catches up to Hermann, who doesn’t so much as glance at him. His back is ramrod straight and his walk is stiffer than usual. Newt drops half a step behind and tries to be as small and quiet as possible. 

When they return to the lab, Hermann locks the door behind them, then walks to his desk and sits. Newt hesitates for a second, then does what’s instinctive in this situation - follows him, kneels beside him and lowers his head.

“Well,” Hermann says after a moment, “at least you know I’m unimpressed.”

Newt nods. He doesn’t know what to say.

“That door is locked for a reason, Newton,” Hermann continues, and opens one of the drawers in his desk. “You misbehaved out there - you spoke in an unacceptable manner, not just about your Dom but about me as an individual and as your partner. I gave you warnings, which you did not follow - you had a chance to rectify your behaviour, and didn’t. I am now going to punish you.”

He withdraws the gag - the silicone one, Newt’s least favourite - and sets it on the desk. Then he looks down at Newt, who’s tentatively looking up at him, and his expression is firm. “I’m sorry,” Newt whispers before he can help himself.

But apparently apologising isn’t forbidden this time. “I appreciate that,” Hermann says and yes, his expression does soften a little, but not completely. “But you need to learn. I do not control your voice, as long as you control it yourself. When you don’t, I must step in.” He picks up the gag again. “What is your safe gesture?” he asks. 

“Tap three times.”

Hermann nods. “I’m going to gag you now,” he says. “Half an hour should do it. You’ll stay here, by my side but not leaning against me, and think about what you’ve done. Once the time is up, I will remove the gag and we will discuss what happened and why you were punished. Understand?”

“Yes, Hermann.”

Hermann secures the gag in place. “It doesn’t hurt?” he asks, and Newt shakes his head. “Good. I’ll set a timer. Otherwise, unless you need to use your safe gesture, I don’t want any attempts at communication out of you. You may shift off your knees if it becomes painful, and I expect you to do so if it does, but you must stay here.”

And with that, Hermann turns back to his desk. 

Newt knows immediately how this is going to go down - Hermann isn’t going to look at him, speak to him or acknowledge him for the next half hour. With his gag and his orders, Newt can’t do anything to attract his attention either. He’s alone with his thoughts. 

For an entire,  _ridiculous_ minute, Newt contemplates ways to get Hermann’s attention. If he started crying badly, he knows Hermann would cave and stop the punishment. Or he could tap out, say that he was feeling anxious (it’s not a lie) and unable to continue (but that is). Or he could just remove the gag and walk away. He’s not bound, after all.

Once that minute’s over, Newt snaps into how  _stupid_ he’s being, and focuses on why he’s here instead. Not just the why of right now, of fucking up at lunch, but the big picture why. 

He’s here because he trusts Hermann to do what’s best for him. He’s here because he gave his life to Hermann, put himself in Hermann’s hands and told him to do what he would. He’s here because Hermann loves him and wants him to be happy and sometimes he has to give some tough love to be able to help Newt in the long run. And he’s here to obey Hermann, to treat him with respect as not only his Dom but as someone he loves.

If Newt opts out of a punishment now because he isn’t enjoying it, there’s no point in submitting to Hermann, full stop. And it’s  _punishment._ He’s meant to be unhappy - because he put himself here. He’s the one who misbehaved and caused himself to get gagged. Being gagged is great when he wants it, when he wants a chance to just be quiet and let Hermann do the talking. But when it’s not his choice, when it’s because Hermann doesn’t want to hear his voice, then it’s definitely not fun. And that’s the point. 

So Newt kneels, still and silent, and thinks about everything he’s done wrong at lunch so he can be ready to apologize. 

When the timer goes off, Hermann calmly silences it then turns to Newt. He unsnaps the gag and removes it, then gently wipes his chin (Newt wants to summon up some embarrassment about the drool, but he feels too shitty about himself to manage right now) and rubs Newt’s jaw on either side. “Any pain?” he asks, then frowns when Newt shakes his head. “I need a verbal answer, Newton.”

Newt knows. His jaw aches, which is normal, but any sharp pain or issues with talking (both of which are highly unlikely anyway) are big warning signs, and that’s what Hermann’s checking for. “No pain,” he says. 

Hermann nods. He turns and puts the gag aside and Newt drops his eyes, stares at his hands. “Look at me,” Hermann orders, and Newt does. “Is there anything you wish to say before I ask you some questions?”

“Only that I’m sorry.”

“That’s a good start. Tell me what you did wrong.”

“I - I mouthed off,” Newt says hesitantly. “Took the joking around too far, and then kept going even when I could tell you weren’t happy.”

“And why did you do that?”

“Because it’s easy to fall back into old times.”

Hermann nods. “I know. But that was a time when we were hurtful towards one another, intentionally so. No matter our misguided reasoning, the intent was to get a reaction, to frustrate or anger the other, just so we could get any kind of response. But things have changed, Newton. We are no longer in that situation - we communicate properly and effectively and with care. We are not spiteful or mean. Why did you act so today?”

Newt looks down. Thankfully Hermann doesn’t order him to keep looking at him. “Because I was stupid. I just liked the attention I was getting, and I did the wrong thing to try and get that attention and that wasn’t right. And then I spent that whole half hour wishing you’d talk to me or look at me and I missed that way more than I could ever miss not being the centre of attention. I was such a brat and then I ignored the warnings and I did really bad, Hermann, I’m sorry.”

He feels a tear slip down his cheek, and then Hermann’s thumb wiping it away. “Shh, darling,” Hermann murmurs and oh, there’s that kind voice he’s missed. “No need to cry about it. You know you did wrong, you took your punishment and explained satisfactorily that you knew why you needed it, and you apologized. It’s over now. You’re forgiven.”

And this is why he needs this, so damn much, because otherwise Newt would’ve agonised over this for days. The punishment gives him the feeling of actually earning the forgiveness he can now accept. “Okay,” Newt says quietly. “Thank you, Hermann.”

“You’re welcome, my dear.” Hermann cups his chin, tilts Newt’s head to meet his eye. “That’s the first time I’ve had to properly punish you,” he says. “How did it feel?”

“Like… a punishment?” Newt knows Hermann wants a comprehensive answer, though, so does his best. “I’d fucked up and as a result I had to go without something I wanted - to be able to talk to you and have you acknowledge me. And I didn’t like it but it made me understand how you felt, because I didn’t acknowledge you at lunch when I should have. And then I had to explain and that helped a lot because I know definitely what I did wrong. And then you forgave me and I feel better because I know you wouldn’t forgive me if you felt I didn’t deserve forgiveness so that means it’s okay.”

“That’s exactly what I wanted to hear,” Hermann says with a nod. “And you know I didn’t punish you because I was unhappy that you were paying more attention to others than me - I’m not spiteful. It was the manner in which you cultivated the attention. I can understand wanting to be liked, darling, but you need to remember that you cannot do that at the cost of others. Not just myself, either.”

Newt nods. “I’ll remember to think before I speak in the future.”

“Good. You did very well, love.”

Some might think that praising Newt for handling punishment is detrimental. But Newt knows that having Hermann speak so sweetly to him now, compared to the harsh and unemotional Dom of earlier, is definitely the biggest incentive for Newt to never fuck up again.

“Newton?” Hermann asks quietly, and Newt looks up inquiringly. “Do you truly have issue with my room… and its lack of interest.”

Newt winces. “No,” he says. “There’s only one thing that needs to be in your room to make it interesting and that’s you.”

Hermann smiles. “Still, if you wish for some changes, we can discuss them. After all, you rarely spend more than a few minutes a day in your room, and I want you to be comfortable and feel at home in mine. If you… if it is more like a box than a room, we can address it.”

“I didn’t mean what I said,” Newt says quietly, and now he feels bad all over again. “I really didn’t. I like your room, Hermann. I like being there.”

Hermann strokes his cheek gently. “Good. And I apologize, darling. I told you it was over and then I brought it back up again.”

“Rightly so. Me apologising doesn’t take away what I said and what it made you feel. Did I hurt you?”

“You… made me worry. That I wasn’t providing for you adequately.”

Newt rests his head on Hermann’s knee - it’s the only way he can provide comfort from where he is. “You are,” he says. “I was being horrible, I didn’t mean it.”

“Yet it must have come from truth somewhere to be able to be spoken so easily.”

“The truth is that my room is a mess and of course you don’t want to be in there. And yeah, your room is plain by comparison but anything is plain compared to what I’m used to. But it’s not like we’re staying here forever and most of the time when I’m in your room I’m at floor level anyway so it doesn’t matter if the walls are a bit bare. I literally just pulled out the most petulant and stupid things I could think of and please don’t think that they’re an issue. The fact that we have a complete lack of issues and I had to complain about your  _room_ is the telling thing.”

Hermann smiles. “That’s true. But, darling, we will have issues some day. We will have things that we may be inclined to be cross at one another over, and we may fight. So I want to be certain that those things will be things you are willing to discuss with me, not bring up to a group of people at lunch. If you have issues with anything to do with me, they come to me and me alone.”

Newt nods. “I’m sorry,” he says, his voice small again.

“No more,” Hermann admonishes gently. “It really is over this time. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good. In that case; back to work.”

Newt stands up, taking a moment to lean against Hermann’s desk and adjust to being on his feet again. As he does, Hermann stands too, cups his hand to the back of Newt’s neck, and kisses him. Then he sits back down and resumes his work.

Newt returns to his desk, smiling softly to himself. He doesn’t even need to ask what that was about - he can tell that it’s Hermann’s way of reminding Newt that he still loves him.

Newt doesn’t need reminding. He knows that fact better than he knows himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to toe the fine line between Newt's behaviour being 'bad enough' to warrant punishment, but not so bad that it would be out of character and would require a proper conversation instead of punishment. I hope I managed that.


	11. I'll be doing my best, I'll see you soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He watches until the taxi is out of sight, then sighs and heads back inside. 
> 
> He’s on his own now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: you may have noticed that a certain Tendo Choi has begun appearing more frequently in the last few chapters. Yes, this has significance to the storyline, and we’ll meet him ‘properly’ very soon - but yes, this is also because I’m a massive Tendo stan and he’s my sweetheart and makes it into just about every fic I write these days because I can’t help it. I hope this isn’t bothering anybody who wanted Newt and Hermann to be the only real named characters but regrettably they don’t live in a bubble and others show up (plus, a few people have figured out what Tendo's role will probably be anyway - I’m not particularly subtle).

It would be an ordinary Tuesday afternoon, except Hermann’s throwing the last few things into his suitcase and getting ready to head out the door for three days.

Conferences are a bitch. They endured the first few weeks of everybody wanting to talk to them, then hid away on the premise of needing to work - not that it was a premise, they _did_ need to work, but it also worked nicely to give them some breathing room. Once the appeal wore off of them being heroes, the media quickly lost interest and took to following Mako and Raleigh around instead.

But now the real serious talks are beginning. Now the rest of the world is trying to figure out what the fuck to do about their crumbled cities and even more destroyed economies, and conferences are being put together left right and centre on all sorts of issues. Newt knows Tendo has been to seven and is now flatly refusing to answer his phone. He’s done two himself - ocean salinity restoration and ultimate Kaiju decontamination, which had naturally been a priority.

So far, Hermann’s avoided them. But now they need to talk about the decommission of the Jaegers, and he’s the man to go to. It’s a three-day conference in Shanghai - close to home, at least (Tendo had been called away to Argentina of all places for his final conference, which had probably played a large part in him refusing to go to any more), but too far away that Newt can afford to take a few days off and go with him. Until they get the official all clear from the UN - though why _they’re_ in charge of things, nobody really knows - one of them has to remain in the Hong Kong area at all times. 

So Newt has to stay. On his own. 

He’s not liking the prospect. 

This isn’t new, this dislike. They’ve worked together for ten years, day in and day out. Even before they got together they were slightly codependent - the lab was never the same if one of them was sick or had to go away. But now that they’re together, the prospect of Hermann being away for three days at a conference is almost intolerable. Not only will the lab be empty, but so will their room - _Hermann’s_ room, and Newt will have to find out whether he’s still allowed to stay in there with Hermann gone. 

And, more importantly, his Dom will be gone. 

Newt knows he’ll be able to cope. Hermann’s promised to call him every night - not to check up on him, just to talk - and he’s leaving Newt a list of tasks to complete. And Newt isn’t _fragile._ He’s a grown man who can take care of himself and just because he gives control of his life to Hermann on a daily basis doesn’t mean he can’t handle being on his own for a bit.

He hopes.

Newt takes Hermann’s suitcase for him as they head for the front doors. Hermann holds his hand and they walk in uncharacteristic silence until they get outside. There, Hermann turns to him, looking a little too serious for Newt's liking. “Run over the instructions,” he says.

Newt nods. “Follow the list. Go to work, do things just like I would if you were there. Call you immediately if anything goes wrong, even if I know you’re in a meeting. Remember that you’ll be home on Friday afternoon and it’s only a few days away.”

“Good.” Hermann’s expression softens and he kisses Newt gently. “I know you’ll be okay - I just like to know that you’re sure of that too. I’ll call you as soon as I get in.”

“I’ll try not to blow up the lab.” Hermann chuckles and Newt, emboldened, asks for what he wants. “Can I still sleep in your room?”

“Yes, darling, of course. Do continue to consider moving in.”

They’ve been talking about it for awhile now, but it’s not really a priority. Still, Newt nods. “I will,” he says, then looks over Hermann’s shoulder. “There’s your taxi.”

He loads Hermann’s suitcase in for him, then hugs him. Hermann kisses him again, this time longer, and when he finally breaks away it’s with reluctance. “I’ll see you soon,” he says. “Be good." 

Newt smiles. “I will.”

He watches until the taxi is out of sight, then sighs and heads back inside.  

He’s on his own now. 

*** 

He gets through it. Of course he does.

The rest of Tuesday is simple. Newt does some work until Hermann calls, then heads back to the room and spends some time chatting with him. He sleeps easily, if not quite so soundly. 

Wednesday is fine. Quiet, but Newt just puts on some music and he’s got complicated and irritating reports to get finished - the last ones thank _god_ \- so a bit of silence is actually good for him. He remembers to break for lunch and hangs out with Tendo for a bit, and powers through the reports, actually getting them done by the evening. 

He spends Wednesday night hearing all about Hermann’s abysmal day, and doesn’t think about how empty the bed feels once Hermann hangs up the phone.

Thursday is okay. He works hard in the morning, but by the afternoon Newt’s out of energy. It’s a bit inexplicable, as usually he doesn’t run out of steam until mid-evening at least, but today he’s just tired. He focuses on some of his other tasks instead - getting his and Hermann’s rooms cleaned up. His is a bit more of a disaster, though a lot better than it used to be, and Newt really digs into it and by the end he’s fairly sure it’s cleaner than it was when he moved in. Apparently missing ones partner is good for the housework. 

Hermann’s tired when he calls, and Newt doesn’t keep him for too long, letting him head off to bed in preparation for his final half-day before coming back tomorrow. Newt’s tired too, but not _sleepy_ tired, so he kind of ends up sitting on the floor in a curled up ball for awhile until he’s ready to go to sleep. He kind of cries a little bit as well, even though he’s not exactly sad.

He doesn’t think too hard on that one. 

Now here he is at Friday, and he’s ready for Hermann to come home. 

He does a bit of perfunctory work in the lab in the morning, but with only a few hours until Hermann’s return, Newt can’t focus on much. So he heads back to the room after lunch, mills around a bit, then runs a quick inventory of all the things Hermann asked of him in his absence. 

Have both of their rooms tidy for his return? Check.

Eat three meals every day? Check.

Write down any bad dreams, panic attacks, negative feelings and the like? Check. He’s had to write down a bit today - he’s feeling uneasy and verging on anxious since he woke up this morning. Thankfully Hermann’s coming back to make it better.

Take his medication every day? Ch-

Wait.

Did he -

_Fuck._

He hasn’t. He hasn’t taken his meds at _all_ apart from Wednesday - because yesterday he had been in a rush, struck by a thought as he was grabbing breakfast and hurried down to the lab to test it. He’d eaten but totally forgotten about his meds. And this morning he’d been tired, barely interested in eating let alone anything else. He’d forgotten then too. 

He hasn’t taken his meds and no _wonder_ he was exhausted yesterday and is feeling bad today, but now he’s feeling _worse_ because he’s disobeyed Hermann. Because Hermann’s going to be back soon and even if Newt doesn’t tell him, Hermann’s going to see the packet tomorrow morning and know that there’s too many pills. He can’t hide this.

He isn’t planning on hiding it, though. Hermann’s trusted him to be honest upon his return, and Newt’s going to do it. He’s going to tell the truth and face the consequences and let Hermann fix it. Hermann will know how to fix it. 

***

Hermann hugs him hard when he returns, and kisses him gently. “I missed you,” Newt says.

“I missed you too.” Hermann lets him go and looks at him for a moment, then around the room. “Everything looks very tidy. Well done.”

“Thanks,” Newt mumbles because, sure, he’s obeyed this instruction, but right now he really can’t take any praise. 

Hermann clearly senses that. “Come here,” he says, leading Newt over to the couch. He sits, giving Newt the unspoken option of his choice in seating, and nods when Newt elects to kneel, but not leaning against him. “Is there something you need to tell me?” he asks. 

Newt nods again. “I, um,” he begins, then pauses. He wants to blurt out a thousand apologies and excuses, but that’s not going to help anything. So he screws up his courage and just says it: “I forgot to take my medication the past two days.”

Then he looks down at his knees and waits.

“Newton,” Hermann says after a moment, and there’s none of the anger or disappointment Newt’s predicted in his tone, just concern. “Look at me.” Newt does and _oh_ , that’s a lot of worry in Hermann’s eyes. “How do you feel?” Hermann asks. “Are you anxious? Do you need anything?”

Newt shrugs a little - what he needs is for Hermann to stop being nice and punish him like he deserves, but he’s not going to say that. “I - I need to know what’s going to happen next,” he says, hoping that gets the message across.

It seems to. “Of course,” Hermann says quickly. “You’ll be worrying about punishment at the moment - and yes, there will be, but not severe and not until I know you’ll be okay to handle it. I believe you when you say you forgot as opposed to not taking them on purpose, and you told me straight away, which I’m proud of you for doing. And since it seems that you’ve obeyed everything else I asked of you in my absence…?“ he pauses, and Newt nods. “Then you’ve done very well overall, and right now my primary concern is to know that you’re okay and will be okay until you can take your next dose. You didn’t attempt to catch up, did you?”

“No. I know I’m not meant to.” 

“Good. Give me your hand?” Newt does, and Hermann holds it between his own gently. “You’re a bit shaky,” he says. “I know you’ve probably been worried about telling me, but do you think your anxiety is high otherwise?”

Newt shrugs. “I think that’s mostly all anxiety,” he says. “I wasn’t actually that worried about telling you - I mean, I knew I was gonna get punished but… but I’d rather have that than not tell you and have to handle it on my own. I know you’re gonna make me feel better. I’m glad I can hand it over and trust you to help me.”

And Hermann’s face just lights up. “That is such a relief to hear, my dear,” he says softly. “And I will, I promise you. I’ll take care of you.”

_God_ is that good to hear. Newt believes it completely, and while it doesn’t settle his anxiety, it does give it one less avenue to latch on to.

“Can you identify anything you need right now?” Hermann asks.

Newt considers it, then nods. “I need to feel safe. Like - like the anxiety can’t get to me because there’s nothing to be anxious about because everything’s okay.” 

Hermann, being the best Dom in the world in Newt’s humble opinion, doesn’t even need to ask how Newt would feel the most safe. He just toes off his shoes, removes his jacket, then lies back on the bed. “Come here,” he says, and Newt is off the floor and in his arms in a matter of seconds. “Do you need anything counteracted? Any positive affirmation?”

“I always like that anyway,” Newt says, smiling a little into Hermann’s chest, “but, um, not really. It’s just sort of wild anxiety, trying to find something to pin to. As long as I don’t think about much, it’ll be okay.”

He tries to suppress a yawn that creeps up on him at the end of the sentence, but Hermann catches it. “The best way to not think is to sleep,” he says. “Let me think of the most boring story from my trip and see how quickly I can put you to sleep… ah, yes. Let me tell you about the representative from Belgium with the _dullest_ voice imaginable and such a meandering way of speaking. He had the floor for a solid twenty minutes and he swore it would only take five but then he went off on a tangent, and it was the _longest_ tangent I’ve ever heard and I still can’t figure out what it had to do with anything -“

It’s not the story that puts Newt to sleep - it’s Hermann’s voice, soft and quiet and protective. 

(He’ll have to ask about the man from Belgium another time)

*** 

When he wakes up, the anxiety is still there, thrumming about and trying to find something to upset him with. But Newt has days like this even with his meds, and he’s used to handling it. He knows he’s got nothing to worry about, that Hermann’s going to look after him and tomorrow he’ll be back on his normal dose. He hasn’t been off it long enough for any kind of bad consequences, and everything will be fine as long as he doesn’t let that anxiety latch onto anything. 

For a few moments Newt just lies there and wonders how he would have handled this situation without Hermann. After all, the only reason he caught the fact that he’d missed taking his meds was because he was going through the list Hermann had given him - and sure, Newt would’ve worked it out eventually, possibly today or certainly tomorrow, but it would’ve most likely taken getting to the point of a severe drop in mood and possibly an anxiety attack. And then there would’ve been worry - anxiety - that something bad would happen, that he’d dropped too far and he’d never get back, that he’d never be happy again. He’d have handled it, of course, would’ve sorted himself out and gotten back on his meds and been fine, but it would’ve taken longer and significantly more stress. 

But with Hermann, with that knowledge that someone could take the situation out of his hands and get him through it if it got too bad, Newt stayed at least relatively calm. His trust in Hermann to know how to fix it was the sole focus point, and then Hermann came back and - 

Well, okay, he didn’t fix it, Newt knew all along that Hermann couldn’t _really_ fix it. Fixing it would take fixing Newt’s mind and Newt is pretty sure that one is never going to happen. But Hermann took control and reassured him and gave Newt what he needed and really that was all Newt could ask for. He asked for it and Hermann delivered and now they’re both relaxed and happy.

Their relationship in a nutshell. 

“I can hear you thinking,” Hermann murmurs suddenly.

Newt smiles. “No you can’t. If you could, you’d have been able to hear all those angry thoughts I’ve directed to you over the years in the lab and you’d never have dreamt of allowing me to submit to you.”

Hermann chuckles gently, and Newt lifts his head a little to see him smiling. “I’m guilty of the same,” he admits easily. “How was your sleep?”

“Excellent. I’ve missed my pillow.”

“Good. I’m glad I was missed for my most crucial aspects.”

“Your abilities as a pillow and the way you smile are the two things that keep me here,” Newt says with a grin. “Oh, and the small matter of you being the best Dom in the world.” 

Newt can tell he’s made Hermann conscious of his smile now, but it doesn’t falter. “A good Dom is only as good as his submissive,” he says. “If I’m the best in the world, you must be truly wonderful.”

“I know.” Hermann rolls his eyes and Newt smirks a little. “Do you ever think we’re a bit _too_ sappy?” he asks after a moment.

“Mm. Sometimes. Then I remember that I like your smile just as much as you seem to like mine, and it no longer becomes an issue. Besides, you’ve had a tough day - I feel you deserve some sweetness.” 

“You’ve had a tough three days, though. Shouldn’t I be the one being sweet to you?”

“You are. You called me a very nice pillow.”

“As long as you feel appreciated, I’m doing my job.”

“Absolutely.”

Newt has to laugh, and Hermann follows suit. “I’ve missed this,” Newt says when they’re done, reluctantly sitting up. “Having a Dom I can banter with is something I didn’t realize I needed so much.”

“As if we would survive in a relationship without banter,” Hermann says, sitting up too as he checks the time. “Let’s go and have dinner, then we’ll come back and talk about how you’re feeling and how best to spend our evening. Unless you’re not feeling up to being around people -?”

“Social anxiety’s fine,” Newt assures him. “Perhaps a fully stocked Shatterdome wouldn’t have been ideal, but it’ll probably just be Tendo. I can handle Tendo.”

Sure enough, when they get there the room is only about a quarter full and Tendo’s at a table of his own, files spread all around him. Newt flips one closed when they sit down with their food and Tendo looks up, clearly prepared to be irritated, then smiles when he sees them. “Oh, hey, Hermann’s back,” he says, and quickly stacks his papers away. “How was it? Tell me all the awful details.”

“Abysmal,” Hermann says. “I can see why you refuse to go back.”

“Now that you’ve done the obligatory one, I can totally put you on the _do not bother_ list.” Hermann nods gratefully and Tendo scribbles a note, then looks back up. “Genuinely though - bad stories?”

“Where even to begin…”

“You were talking about a Belgian man when I fell asleep,” Newt says. “Can you repeat that one?”

Hermann does. Between that, a highly entertaining tale of two men that nearly came to blows over who had the rights to Cherno Alpha, and a play-by-play of Hermann’s Q&A where he dismantled the arguments of just about every UN representative there in the most scathing way possible, dinner flies by. And Newt could probably stay here chatting with his two favourite people in the world all night, but he knows Hermann wants to take him back to his room and make certain he’s okay.

So they bid Tendo goodbye, who delves himself into his work as soon as they start leaving anyway, and head back to Hermann’s room. Hermann insists on a quick deviation to Newt’s room, where he pokes his head in trepidatiously, and then stares for a full thirty seconds. “I expected tidy, not _sanitised_ ,” he says when he closes the door and turns back to Newt. “I’m very impressed. How long will it stay that way?”

Newt tries not to smile. “Forever,” he says, and Hermann rolls his eyes. 

When they’re back in Hermann’s room, the playful banter has to take a backseat for awhile. Hermann sits them both down on the couch and asks Newt for a complete summary of the past few days. Newt gives it with as much detail as he can, with Hermann only interrupting when he gets to the previous night and his time spent on the floor. “You should have called me back,” Hermann says gently. “You know I asked you to call if you were upset.”

“I wasn’t, though,” Newt says with a shrug. “Not properly. I didn’t really know what was happening - I just sort of cried a bit and then went to sleep and it was only today that I started feeling _bad_. And by then you were on a flight home.”

Hermann nods. “I can accept that. It’s only a minor withdrawal but you can still react in unusual ways. Did you write it all down for me?” 

“Yeah. Most of it’s about how I felt today.”

“Good. I’ll read through that a bit later. How do you feel at the moment?”

Newt considers it. “Happy that you’re here,” he says. “Looking forward to a night in with nothing to worry about.”

Hermann smiles. “I can arrange that. Would there be something in particular that would help with that?”

“We could put on a movie?”

“An excellent suggestion. Before I do, is there anything you need? Anything at all, no matter how small?”

Newt thinks for a moment, then nods. “Yeah. I can understand if you say no because you think it’s not the right time but - can you punish me now?”

Hermann spends awhile looking at him, then nods. “I think you’re feeling up to it. It’ll be good to get it over with before you take your next dose tomorrow, so you can put all this behind you and start feeling better. When you were prescribed your medication, were you advised on all the risks around skipping a dose?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. I want you to sit down at the desk and write me an essay on why you shouldn’t skip your medication, based on what you experienced today and what your doctors told you. Let’s say… five hundred words.”

“Any references?”

Hermann chuckles. “You’re not writing your thesis, darling. Just from the information you know.”

Newt nods, and goes to the desk. Hermann lays out pen and paper for him then walks back over to the couch and leaves him to it. It won’t be for long; Newt’s written more than one thesis of over fifty thousand words, after all. He knows how to write fast.

In fact the punishment is so light that it might as well not happen - but Newt knows it’s light because Hermann isn’t cross with him, and it’s happening simply because if punishment isn’t given when rules are broken, the rules cease to have any meaning. 

He hands it to Hermann after ten minutes who, instead of glancing at it and putting it aside as Newt’s expected, takes out a pen and begins reading. “Are you… _marking_ it?” Newt asks as Hermann begins circling things.

Hermann smirks. “But of course.”

Newt waits, standing there a little impatiently, while Hermann writes notes and occasionally crosses things out. When he hands it back, it has a big B+ written in the corner, and commentary at the bottom. “You are my favourite dork,” Newt says, rolling his eyes. “And that’s a very generous mark, so thank you.”

“I know. You should have failed for penmanship alone.”

“You want to talk penmanship? What on earth is _that_ word?" 

Hermann squints at where Newt’s pointing. “I don’t know,” he admits, then takes the paper and tosses it onto the desk. “Unimportant. What matters is that your punishment is over - and I read through your journal entries while you worked. Will you continue journalling for the next few days, just so I can track everything and make certain you’re okay?” 

Newt nods. “I can do that.”

“Good boy.” Newt smiles at the praise, and Hermann returns it, then nods at the floor a little. “I’ll put on the movie in a moment, and you can absolutely sit up here with me if you’d like, but would you like to -“ Newt’s on his knees before Hermann can finish, and Hermann chuckles gently, guiding Newt’s head to his knee to stroke his hair. “I’ve missed this, darling.”

“I have too. But apart from forgetting my meds, I didn’t fall to pieces and - and I’m kinda proud of that.” 

“As you should be. I knew you would be okay, and I’m glad to see you can believe that now too. If I had thought that you would struggle alone, if you were going through a bad time for instance, then I wouldn’t have left.”

“The science community needed you.”

“Fuck the science community.”

Newt whistles. “Dear me. Shanghai was a bad influence on you.”

He glances up to see Hermann’s gone slightly pink, but is rolling his eyes. “After the days they put me through, I think profanity is allowed. It’s so nice to be home.”

“It’s nice to have you home.” And now that Newt’s said that, to hell with waiting it out and seeing how he feels in a few days. “Do you still want me to move in? Because, um, if you do, I can start bringing my stuff in tomorrow…?”

Hermann’s just smiling down at him - that impossibly sweet smile that Newt loves and that he knows means he’s done something very good. “I would love nothing more,” he says gently. “We’ll take the day off tomorrow - I wanted to monitor you anyway and we can begin moving you in while that happens. If anybody complains, we can tell them I was jetlagged.”

“Shanghai is two hours away.” 

“Semantics.”

Newt raises an eyebrow, but Hermann kisses him, then hits play on the movie before he can provide a counter-argument and really, Newt’s okay with that.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did try to research what a two-day withdrawal off an unknown and presumed anxiety medication would do, and it didn’t bring up much and all the experiences were different. My only experience with anxiety medication was taking myself off them after three days because I couldn’t handle the side effects and my doctor was useless (don’t go to an on-campus doctor for anxiety meds, kids). So, considering this is fiction, take Newt’s experience as completely made up with a hint of research. 
> 
> Speaking of anxiety, mine’s still playing up and I don’t know if this chapter is to my usual standard. I may come back and make changes later. Also, I’m almost in the final month of my final semester of university and things are set to go mental so I’ll probably scale the update schedule back to about once a week/10 days when that’s going on. We’ll see. I'll let you know if that happens.


	12. you and I'll be safe and sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’ll let you order me to do things and punish me if I don’t and push my limits pretty damn far, but I will not let you hurt me. You’ve made me too strong to ever stand for that kind of treatment again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> German courtesy of Google Translate. It’s only one word so I hope it’s not botched too badly. 
> 
> Warning for safeword use. It’s completely non-sexual, and I’m pretty sure everybody reading this has expected a chapter around safewording at some point, but I wanted to warn anyway. And yes, the safeword will be honoured. If I ever write something in which a safeword is not honoured and it doesn’t result in the immediate dissolution of the relationship, you can hit me with a large stick.

They’re in a Dom/sub relationship. It’s a given that a safeword will happen.

That said, Newt can’t actually imagine _why_ he'll need to use his safeword. Hermann isn’t pushing him to do anything sexual and, while strict and good at enforcing rules, is so sweet to Newt that he can’t feel anything but safe. He has no need and especially no desire to stop submitting to Hermann for any length of time, and therefore, unless something drastic happens, Newt is pretty sure there’ll be no safewording happening in this relationship any time soon.

So, when it does happen, it’s quite the shock. 

***

Newt can't sleep.

He’s gotten way better at this whole _sleeping like a normal human_ thing since he’s started sharing Hermann’s bed - and since the war ended, for that matter. He no longer needs to work right through the night, and it takes surprisingly little effort to switch from being near-nocturnal back to living in daylight hours. 

But there are still some nights when his mind just stays switched on. All kinds of ideas and theories and complex scenarios play through his head, and even if he’s tired as _fuck,_ he can’t do anything about it until his brain elects to let him sleep. 

Tonight is one of those nights, and while Hermann’s been asleep for at least half an hour now, Newt isn't even close. And that’s not necessarily all that bad (because Hermann always wakes up earlier than him anyway), it's less good when Newt can’t quite keep still. He’s a fidgeter by nature and then he can’t get comfortable and he tries to make all of his movements very small but he’s pretty sure Hermann’s half-woken up at least three times because of him already. 

Newt’s considered just getting up for a bit, walking around and waiting until he’s tired enough to pass out, but the bed is warm and he keeps hoping it’ll happen soon.

Ultimately, that’s his downfall. 

"For crying out loud," Hermann mutters sleepily when Newt accidentally nudges him as he shifts positions yet again. "Either stop moving or sleep on the floor."

Hermann might fall asleep again the second after he makes the order, but it's still an order. And Newt can't stop moving. 

Very slowly and carefully he eases himself out of bed, dropping lightly to the floor. It's cold and hard, but Hermann has a tight grip on the blankets and Newt wouldn't take one from him anyway. He grabs his hoodie and puts that on, then curls up next to the bed and tries to sleep. 

It's not easy, but apparently somewhere along the line he manages because the next thing Newt knows, Hermann is kneeling next to him, shaking his shoulder. Newt blearily blinks his eyes open to meet Hermann's worried expression. "Why are you on the floor?" he asks.  

"You told me to," Newt mutters in confusion, and tries to sit up. His back protests loudly and Newt groans a little and leans against the side of the bed. “That is not comfortable cement,” he says.

Hermann’s staring. "I told you to?" 

"Mm. Last night. I wouldn't stop fidgeting, you told me if I didn’t stop I’d have to sleep on the floor."

Hermann's eyes widen in horror. "Dear god. And you _listened_."

"You ordered."

Hermann closes his eyes for a long moment. "Sometimes I forget how much power I have," he murmurs to himself, then looks at Newt again. "Let's get you up off the floor," he says softly. "We'll discuss it a bit later, right now I want to know that you're okay."

Newt nods and stands up. He tries to make his movements natural enough, tries to keep the pain off his face, but of course that’s not going to work on Hermann, who sits him down on the edge of the bed and just looks at him, waiting. “My back hurts,” he says reluctantly. “Shoulders and neck a bit as well. Other than that, I’m fine.”

“You look tired.”

“Okay, fine, I’m tired too.” Newt bites his lip as soon as he finishes his sentence. “Sorry,” he says quietly. “That was kinda rude.”

“It’s okay. I think you deserve to be a bit less polite to me today.” Hermann sits down next to him, leaning back against the headboard, and holds out his arms. “Come here,” he says.

"Your leg -"

"Will be fine. It'll be no less stiff than your back. Come here."

So Newt does, allows himself to settle in Hermann's lap. Hermann is holding him close, one hand gently stroking Newt's arm. It's calming and so nice and Newt finds his eyes slipping shut before he knows it. "Might fall asleep if you're not careful," he says. 

"You need sleep, after the night you had," Hermann says, but his hand stills anyway. "Now, let's discuss this. Tell me again what happened - what did I say?"

"I think it was something like _for gods sake either stop moving or sleep on the floor_."

Hermann sighs quietly. "How awful," he murmurs. "I am very sorry. That is unacceptable."

"Wasn't my behaviour unacceptable?" Newt asks. "And that's why you kicked me out?"

There's a long silence, and Newt twists to see Hermann's expression, which looks shattered. "You thought that was a punishment," he says quietly. "Oh, darling. No. No, you didn't do anything wrong, and you weren't being punished. And even if I somehow decided that it was okay for me to punish you for not being able to sleep, I would never do it in that fashion. You know we always discuss punishment before it happens and set out limitations. Instructing you to spend the rest of the night on the floor would not be an appropriate punishment under any circumstances.”

Newt nods. "So that was just you frustrated?"

"Apparently so. I don't remember it. Did it sound like an order?"

"Little bit. Anything you tell me to do is an order."

"No," Hermann says, immediate and firm. "That is not true, and certainly not true when I am half asleep and clearly not thinking straight. And when I say something that goes against other promises I have made to you - did I not swear I would never make you sleep on the floor?"

"Yeah, but -"

"But nothing. If I promise you something and then give you orders against it, you are not obligated to follow those - in fact, you shouldn't. I am in no way trying to put the blame on you, darling, but that kind of order is one that I would never ever want you to follow. If I ask something of you, I must be aware of what I'm asking and also alert enough to see it through." Hermann sighs again. "Newton, you really believe I would order you to sleep on the floor if I were thinking clearly?"

"I didn't like it. It didn't feel right. But I - I didn't want to disappoint you. If you ask me to do something, I need to be able to do it because that's what you want of me, and unless it goes against my contract rules then I should be expected to endure discomfort to please you -"

“ _Überlastung_ ,” Hermann whispers. 

Newt freezes. 

That's Hermann's safeword. 

"Okay," Newt says quietly. He shifts out of Hermann’s lap to sit next to him instead, and Hermann tightens his hold, making a small panicked noise. "Okay, shh, it's alright, I'm not going anywhere." He tries to figure out what to say, what Hermann needs to hear now that he's safeworded. "You don't have to do anything," he tries. "You don't have to make any decisions. I'll take care of you."

It seems he's got it right. Hermann relaxes, still holding onto him tight, and Newt returns the embrace. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs.

“For using your safeword?” Hermann nods, and Newt shakes his head. “No. You don’t get to apologize for that. Thank you for using it, for - for admitting that you needed to. What can I do to help?”

“Stay. Let me… I need a moment.”

“You've got all the time you need,” Newt says, lightly stroking his back. “I’ve got you.”

Time is great for Newt too. The sudden shift into a position of control - and not just equals, but Newt actively taking care of Hermann - has disoriented him a little bit, and he needs his own moment to adjust to this. He’s not a switch by any means, but he’s definitely capable of looking after his partner. After all, this isn’t a switching scenario, it’s a safeword scenario. Right now Hermann isn’t his Dom, he’s just his partner who is upset for some reason and Newt needs to comfort him. And he can do that easily. 

Newt isn’t entirely sure how they got here either. He knows Hermann will tell him soon, with the safeword conditions of staying put and explaining what’s going on applying to him too, and there is a bit of a clue in Hermann’s safeword itself, which translates to _overload._ It isn’t something sudden and sharp that’s gotten to Hermann, unlike a lot of Newt’s triggers, rather something that’s built up too much and beyond his control. 

So while Hermann clings to him and takes deep breaths, Newt replays the conversation in his mind, trying to work out what happened to send Hermann over the edge. 

He’s still not sure by the time Hermann lifts his head and looks at him, so Newt puts it aside and focuses on making Hermann feel okay now. “Doing a bit better?” he asks.

Hermann nods, but his eyes aren’t meeting Newt’s. “You’re still wearing your collar,” he says quietly.

Newt nods. “Yeah. I suppose that… has to come off? We never talked about what would happen if you safeworded.”

“I know. I was naive enough to believe that I would have no cause to.”

“It’s okay,” Newt soothes gently, then has to smile - he’s far closer to dominating Hermann than Hermann is him right now. “Yeah, the collar’s gotta come off.”

“You’re okay with that?”

“Yeah, honey, of course. I need to be able to look after you.”

Hermann nods, then pulls out the key. Newt is very careful not to make any kind of upset sound when the collar is removed, or else Hermann will probably freak out and force him to put it back on. “Okay,” Hermann says once he’s set it aside. “Now what?”

“Well,” Newt says slowly, “at some point, we’ll need to talk about what happened, but only when you’re up to it.”

“I am now.” Hermann pauses, and Newt waits patiently. “It was too much,” Hermann finally says. “I had too much control and - and for a moment I thought of all the things I could ask you to endure for me, and it frightened me. Sometimes having this much power is terrifying. I could hurt you so deeply with just a few words or a simple command - and I wouldn't, I would never, I swear to you... but I could. I have the power to break you."

"I know," Newt says calmly. "I gave it to you. And when you're ready, I'll give it back. Unless… unless it’s too much altogether -“

“No, no certainly not. I love having you as mine, my dear, and being your Dom is wonderful. Just, sometimes it can be… draining. Situations like these, where I don’t know what to do to rectify my mistake, where you trust me so much and rely on me to make everything better and - and I don’t know what to do all the time. I’m trying to stay in control and trying to deal with what I did and I - I…" 

“Sometimes you need to be taken care of,” Newt says quietly. “You need to be told that it’s okay and that it’s alright to make mistakes. And you need to be… pulled back a bit.” 

“Yes,” Hermann murmurs. “That all sounds right.” 

Newt nods. “Well then - it’s okay. You weren’t _awake_ , Hermann, and you can’t remember saying it, and that’s definitely not your fault. This isn’t something we anticipated so we didn’t write it into our contract but we can talk about it now and figure out what to do about it if it happens again. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good. Now, as for pulling you back… well, I guess all I can do is remind you that I love you to death and I am so ready to submit to you on so many levels, but if you ever try to order me to do something that would deliberately hurt me or - or _break_ me, as you put it before, I will leave you. You’d win the battle but you’d lose the war. And I know you know that,” he continues as Hermann begins to interject. “I know you’d never do that, like you said. But it’s a good reminder to give you if you’re feeling too close to invincible. I’ll let you order me to do things and punish me if I don’t and push my limits pretty damn far, but I will not let you hurt me. You’ve made me too strong to ever stand for that kind of treatment again.”

Hermann smiles a little at that. “I’m so glad to hear that,” he says softly, and Newt returns the smile. “You are much more confident - if I had used my safeword in the first few weeks, I know you would have coped but I don’t think you would have been this strong. This is helping you isn’t it?”

“So much. I’ll never understand why people think that submitting is me losing myself or not being confident enough to be me. I’ve got rules and guidelines and I get praise for doing things right, and I can be confident in the good things about myself. I still struggle and get upset sometimes and some days are bad, but a lot of days are really good. I know that you want me and that you’re proud of me and that’s because of who I am, not just what I can give you.”

“Exactly. I don’t just want a submissive, I want my Newton.”

“You’ve got him,” Newt says softly. “And when you want your submissive back, you’ll have him too. Take as long as you need, though. It’s quite nice to sit here and look after you." 

Hermann chuckles quietly. “It is quite nice to be looked after,” he admits. “I’m feeling much better, but I’ll wait until I’m completely calm again before we resume. How are you feeling?”

“Me? I’m fine.”

Hermann raises an eyebrow. “You spent the night on the floor and instead of getting me looking after you, you have to look after me.”

Newt shrugs. “I like looking after you,” he reminds Hermann. “Bit of an adjustment, but that’s okay. And it’s not the first time I’ve slept on the floor. It’s not pleasant, but it’s not like it upset me. I knew, in the back of my mind, that I wasn’t being punished, because I know you better than that. I think if, y’know, I’d done something bad yesterday and you’d decided my punishment would be sleeping on the floor, that would be awful because I’d feel so isolated and wrong and like I’d seriously fucked up.”

“So if you knew it wasn't punishment, why did you do it?”

Newt sighs. “Because part of the problem is, when it comes to things like that where I should obviously just tell you to get fucked, I can’t do it. I can joke around with you and occasionally toe the line, but if you tell me to do something then I’m gonna do it.”

Hermann nods. “That needs working on,” he says. “I think the best thing you can do is ask for clarification. If it’s a situation like that and that involves waking me up properly to ask, then that’s what I’d like you to do.”

“You won’t get cross if I do that?” Newt has to ask. “I just don’t want to feel like I’m questioning your orders, or that you think I’m uneasy about something and don’t want to do it. If you’d actually been ordering me to sleep somewhere else last night, I would have done it and would’ve been okay with it.” 

“But you probably would’ve picked a more comfortable surface,” Hermann says. “I think I can tell the difference between unease and curiosity, but so you’re certain… how about if you ask _is that an order_ , then I’ll know that you’re just questioning. If you’re unsure if you want to do it, you could ask something like _is that what you want me to do_ instead - though, again, I’m sure I’ll pick up on it if you truly don’t want to obey an order. And, of course, you have your safeword. I wish you’d used it last night.” 

“I didn’t feel like I needed to,” Newt says honestly. “I wasn’t upset.”

“Even though you’ve told me you detested being ordered to sleep on the floor?” 

“Yeah, but when that happened, it was never for a reason, they just didn’t want me in their bed. With you, I was annoying you. I can understand wanting to get rid of me. The floor wouldn’t have been my first choice, but it’s what you specified.”

Hermann closes his eyes for a moment. “Why I said that of all things, I will never understand,” he murmurs. “You still technically have a room of your own - if I was truly frustrated, I could have asked you to go there.”

“And I would’ve gone. So let’s make that a thing. If I can’t sleep and it’s disrupting your sleep, I’ll go back to my old bed.”

“Is that fair, though?”

Newt nods. “I’ve heard other couples do it - sleeping in the spare room because they can’t get to sleep and want to stay up and read a book or something for awhile.”

Hermann nods. “That does sound reasonable, now that you put it that way. You know I’ll come and find you as soon as I wake up, right?”

“Yeah, of course. And it’s not gonna happen often - this is the first time in ages that I’ve been that restless. But now we’ve got a system for if we need it again.”

Now that that’s sorted, Hermann’s quiet for a bit and Newt lets him be. He knows safewording can be complex, and he wants Hermann to deal with everything around it before Newt puts his collar back on.  

After a few minutes, Hermann sighs quietly. “Do I do a good job?” he asks.

Newt cups his cheek and kisses him softly. “You do the best job,” he says. “Do you not have faith in yourself as a good Dom?”

“I’m human,” Hermann says with a shrug. “I have flaws and fears. And though I know I must be doing something right to have you stay here, it’s sometimes nice to hear it aloud.”

Newt smiles. “I understand that. You’re the best Dom I’ve ever had -“

“Considering your history, that doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence.”

Newt rolls his eyes. “I know, I know. But there’s also the fact that you love me. You’re my partner first and Dom second, and that’s so obvious in everything you do. You don’t just dominate me out of a love for power - you dominate me because you love _me_. You showed me today that if it ever gets close to reaching the point where it’s a choice between your power and my happiness, you’d always pick me. That’s what makes you a good Dom, Hermann. You’re a good _person_."  

He wraps his arms around Hermann, who sighs quietly, this time in contentment, and relaxes into him. “What time is it?” he asks.

Newt checks. “Just after eight.”

“Would midday be acceptable? I could - if you need me to, I can recollar you earlier, but -“

“You want a morning off,” Newt says. “Of course. You can have as long as you want.”

“That makes it sound like I need to take time away from you,” Hermann murmurs, sounding worried. 

Newt smiles. “If you needed time away from me, I wouldn’t be here,” he points out. “But I can understand that sometimes you need a chance to relax. You’ve got to be in control all the time, not just of yourself but of me. And I know you love control and thrive off it, but everybody gets tired eventually. It’s so much easier for me - I let you make decisions for me, but, apart from for a few things, I can make decisions for myself too if I want to. Your control means I have far more freedom.”

Hermann just nods. Newt gently manoeuvres them so he can lie down, keeping Hermann curled up against his chest. It’s not how they normally sleep, but it doesn’t take long for both of them to drift off. They both need it.

***

“Ever considered switching?” Hermann asks as he picks Newt’s collar up just after midday. “Considering how well you handled me this morning, I think you’d be a fine Dom.”

Newt shakes his head. “That was caretaking,” he says. “Domming isn’t for me. Besides, I don’t think you could ever sub, and there’s nobody else I want to do this with.”

Hermann smiles. “I’ve switched before,” he says. 

“Oh? How was it?”

“His first order was simple - to go and get him a certain book off the bookshelf that he felt like reading. I told him that the author had been discredited and I refused to let him read such tripe. We ended the scene there.”

Newt laughs. “I love you,” he says, shaking his head fondly.

“I love you too,” Hermann says, and slips the collar around his neck, locking it in place. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My preferences for them both being fixed in their roles are based on a) my inability to see Hermann as a submissive, and b) Newt being based on me and the fact that I could never dominate anybody. If you have headcanons otherwise, feel free to ignore that final section - it shouldn’t have an impact on later chapters. Also, of course, in that *** between falling asleep and recollaring, Newt makes absolutely certain that Hermann’s ready to return to their usual dynamic. 
> 
> I’ve had a few conversations with people recently about the idea of Hermann safewording. Like Newt says in the first few paragraphs, it’s very hard to think of a situation where Newt’s gonna safeword unless he’s pushing his limits (sexual or non-sexual), and they’re not quite at that point yet. But for Hermann, who has an asexual submissive who still gets so upset about his asexuality and is also sometimes a little too eager to please, it can be a lot easier to get overwhelmed. I hope I’ve written this alright.


	13. everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Being that close to you and knowing that I was safe in vulnerability and - aw, shit, Hermann, I’ve kinda always wanted someone to wash my hair.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for nudity, and open and frank discussions of sex and masturbation. 
> 
> imagined_melody was interested in seeing how they’d address nudity and if that could be another way they could be comfortable around one another. More notes on this at the bottom, but basically I took this opportunity to really lay out where Newt sits on the asexual spectrum and how he works through difficult situations like these, as well as looking at Hermann’s sexuality. And then it got incredibly long.

Something’s on Hermann’s mind. 

He’s been sneaking glances at Newt every so often, clearly when he thinks Newt’s working hard and not paying attention. Newt, who hasn’t really been focused on his work, has noticed. And he’s worried. 

Eventually, Newt hits the power button on his tablet and looks up, waiting. He can’t ask much of Hermann, but he’d quite like to know what’s going on. 

Hermann glances down after a few moments, then frowns. “Everything okay?”

“I’d rather ask you that.” 

Hermann smiles a little. “Ah. I haven’t been particularly subtle. In that case - can we talk, love?” Newt’s hands go instinctively to his collar, as if to shield it, and Hermann shakes his head. “I won’t be asking to remove it. I want you as comfortable as you can be for this anyway.”

That doesn’t help him feel any better, but Newt still nods. “Can I stay here?”

“Certainly. And if you want to be closer or further away during the conversation, you are free to move.” Newt just looks up at him silently, trying not to worry. “Okay, I’ll cut to the chase,” Hermann says. “I’d like to talk to you about where you think your comfort level might lie with nudity.”

“Nowhere,” Newt says and ducks his head. 

There’s a moment of silence. “That was a very strong knee-jerk reaction,” Hermann says eventually. “I’m going to ask you that again, and this time I want you to stay silent for at least thirty seconds before you reply." 

Newt tries not to sigh. He knows this trick all too well - because he has a lot of things like this, where his immediate reaction is to panic and avoid the topic altogether. But Hermann needs more than a straight rejection; he needs to understand why this is an issue, and where exactly to draw the line. 

Newt appreciates it a hell of a lot, of course. Hermann makes the lines very explicit, and Newt can feel safe being held by him or kissing him without having to worry about where Hermann might want things to lead. And clearly this is an important topic, because sex requires nakedness, but nakedness doesn’t mean sex. Hermann might need clarification on this - or he might want something that perhaps Newt can give. 

“Okay,” Newt says.

“Good boy,” Hermann says softly. “Where is your comfort level with nudity?”

Newt stays very still and quiet, counting out thirty seconds - but he’s not just counting. He’s thinking, getting himself past that immediate fight or flight reflex and asking why. Because Hermann will ask it anyway, and Newt would like to have an answer for him if he can.

When it hits the thirty second mark, Newt looks up. “It frightens me,” he says. “Obviously I’m okay with levels of it - I’ve been shirtless around you and vice versa, and that’s easy. But anything else… it makes me feel extremely vulnerable and panicked, in the same way anything sexual does. I think I’ve connected the two entirely.” 

Hermann nods. “I thought you might have. How do you feel about trying to disconnect them?”

Newt frowns. “Why?” he asks, then bites his lip.

“No, that’s a fair question,” Hermann says. “If there is no outcome to you doing it, then there’s no point. And you’re the one who has to answer that question.”

“But don’t you…” Newt cuts himself off. 

“Speak.”

“Don’t you want something from me?”

“No. No, this was merely an inquiry. A way of finding out where that limit is for you and why it is where it is. I have no desire for a particular answer - if you have no interest in ever being more than shirtless around me, then that is entirely acceptable. If you wish for more than that, I’m happy with that too.”

“Would you, um… do you want to be able to be naked around me?”

Hermann considers that. “I would be happy enough with it,” he says slowly. “For me, it has always been an expression of comfort and trust. But I am not particularly upset that I might not be able to have it - because I have comfort and trust with you already, just expressed differently. Like this,” he says with a smile as he looks down at Newt, touching his cheek gently. “This is the ultimate expression of it.”

Newt smiles a little too. “So you’re not missing out on anything you really want?”

“No, darling. Shall I take it that you are uninterested in pursuing this further?" 

Newt shrugs. “I don’t really know.”

Hermann nods. “Well, I’ll drop it for now. How about you think on it if you feel like it, and if you do decide definitely either way, let me know." 

“Okay.” 

Hermann leans down to kiss him gently, then returns his attention to his laptop. Newt picks up his tablet, considers it for a moment, then puts it back down and begins to think. 

It’s the kind of stuff he normally pushes straight out of his mind. Sure, it’s normal enough to wonder what ones partner would look like naked, but for Newt it almost immediately links to having to have sex with Hermann, and it starts getting him upset. The thought of sharing a room with Hermann with one or both of them not wearing any clothes is definitely not ideal. But, the more Newt pushes away that knee-jerk link to sex, and just sees the nudity itself as a solo act, the less distressing it is. 

There are a few factors that worry him, of course. But they’re things he can talk over with Hermann and sort out before anything has to happen, and if any of them are unassailable then Hermann will understand. Hermann would never ask more from Newt than he could give.

Wherever this stands in terms of Newt’s limits, it’s not a hard limit as specified in his contract - it has nothing to do with the line on sexual contact, Newt knows that very clearly, so it’s not forbidden. And, therefore, it’s within Hermann’s rights as his Dom to ask to be allowed to push it. 

So far, they’ve done very little of pushing limits. It’s been about comfort, about Hermann showing Newt that he’s safe and loved as he is, and working through their issues slowly and carefully. And that’s all good and nice, but part of being a good submissive is pushing limits and trying out things that his Dom likes. If Hermann likes the concept of nudity for the simple elements of trust and comfort, then surely that’s something Newt can at least try. 

He’s still not entirely decided - but he’s at least not decided that he won’t do it. And in Newt’s mind that’s close enough to saying he will.  

“Hermann?” Newt asks quietly. 

“Yes, darling?”

“I think I have an answer.”

Hermann looks down at him, frowning, then realizes. “Oh dear. I didn’t mean you had to think on it _now_ \- I’m sorry, I should have clarified that.”

“It’s okay. I would’ve thought about it anyway. I have a question for you, though.”

“Ask away.”

“Have you done research on this? On the whole nakedness thing for asexuals?”

Hermann smiles a little. “Yes,” he admits. “Naturally. But most of the research simply came back to the fact that every asexual person is different. The spectrum is large and varied and while it can tell me some information, it doesn’t tell me about you.”

Newt nods. “That’s what I thought. So, um. I think it’s pretty obvious by now that I’m a sex-repulsed asexual. It’s not just that I don’t like it or that I’d rather not - I’m actively against doing it. Porn grosses me out. The idea of having to take my clothes off in front of someone, at least before today, was terrifying.”

“Do you know why?”

“I guess. I mean, the only time you’re ever doing that is with partners… well, there are changing rooms and doctors, but they’re a different context. And if you’re taking your clothes off around your partner, especially if there’s gonna be kissing and any kind of touching and if they’re naked too, then there’s only one way that’s ending…”

“There’s no other reason for not wearing clothing unless it’s sexual?” Hermann nods slowly. “I can see that. And forgive me if this is too personal, but you still experience arousal, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Newt looks down, blushing. “I - I don’t _enjoy_ jerking off, but I do it when I have to, and there are times when I do have to. Though it just feels like a whole lot of work for nothing much.” He looks up to see Hermann trying to conceal his surprise, and has to smile. “I know, don’t worry. I’ve heard it enough times - orgasms are the best thing in the _world_. Just… not for me. I don’t think they’re all that great.”

“That’s okay,” Hermann says softly. “And, to be fair, I don’t think they’re the best thing in the world either. They would probably make the top ten list, but there are many more pleasurable things above them."

“Where do I rank on that list?” Newt has to ask, a little shyly.

“At the top, of course.” Newt blinks in surprise, and Hermann smiles. “You tie with a fiendish Samurai Sudoku some days, I will admit.”

Newt chuckles. “Good to know. But, um, back on the whole arousal thing. That’s the other thing that scares me - because I know if someone’s kissing me and there’s skin to skin contact and all that, my body’s probably gonna react. So’s theirs. And…”

Hermann nods. “And that upsets you.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“No apologies allowed. But you mentioned that you were terrified of it before today. So…”

“Mm. So I remembered that you’re never going to let me stay in a situation where I’m really uncomfortable or upset. That you’d never ask me for something I wasn’t happy to give. And that I haven’t pushed any limits for you yet.”

“And you don’t have to.”

“I want to. I - I like it when I can do that successfully, when you ask me for something and I can get past my hangups and deliver on it. And I’m not saying I’ll be able to and sex is still so far off the table and maybe they will be too closely linked for me to manage, but this is something I _might_ be able to do. So if I can… why not try? But, um -“ Newt pauses, takes a breath. “You… seeing me naked. Would that…”

Hermann just looks at him. “While I do know what you’re implying here, you also know the rules for discussion of this nature.”

Newt does - if he can’t talk about things of a sexual nature properly and with coherent words, then Hermann will terminate the conversation until he’s ready to handle it. “Would it turn you on?” he asks, and manages to hold eye contact as he says it. 

Hermann smiles a little. “Well done,” he says. “I know it’s much more difficult when it’s about me. And it’s quite possible, love, particularly if you mean a simple physical reaction. As you said bodies rebel at the worst of times, and even though I know we wouldn’t be having sex, my body doesn’t. And mentally… well, yes. Because you’re very attractive and I love you and I’m sexual. Those things are linked for me. So the answer is most likely yes. How do you feel about that?”

Newt shrugs. “I know you wouldn’t ask anything of me, and it’s not like you’d be doing it intentionally. I feel like it could upset me though - but then I’ve got a safeword for that. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, anyway. I guess I won’t know until it happens.”

“I don’t think it’ll happen soon, either,” Hermann says. “There’s still a lot to clarify and then deciding how we’d like to do it, whether it would be both of us at the same time or individually… or not at all. You still haven’t definitely said yes - and I don’t want you to yet,” he adds quickly. “I want you to take plenty of time on it, think it over fully before you make a decision. And there’s no hurry. But I’m glad we’ve had this talk and sorted some things out.”

Newt smiles. “Me too. I’ll - I’ll keep it in mind.”

Hermann kisses him again, and they return to their respective work. 

***

Sometimes it’s easy to take plenty of time considering something, thinking an issue over fully before making a decision.

Sometimes life simply chooses to intervene. 

Quite possibly it’s the fact that Newt’s taking his time to think the issue over well and good that causes the intervention. It’s certainly distracting him while he works, a few days on from the conversation, and perhaps the thought of wondering whether Hermann seeing him naked would be a nice feeling or not is a little too prevalent in his mind for him to take notice of what he’s cutting open. Which, as it turns out, isn’t one of the secondary stomachs, but one of the sacs instead. 

It’s a sheer blessing that it isn’t a venom one.

Regardless, it bursts. All over Newt.

Thank _fuck_ he chose today to wear safety goggles. Even more thank fuck that he didn’t have time to shout, because then his mouth would’ve been _open_ and it might not have been a venom sac but pretty much everything a Kaiju was made up of is poisonous to humans. And now Newt’s covered in it. 

That’s an understatement - he’s _doused_ in it, and Newt can only squeak in horror as he stares down at himself. For a moment, his brain just switches off.

And then he’s bundled up in someone’s arms - _Hermann’s_ arms, Hermann’s _carrying him_ , how? - and they’re headed into the other room, then through to the decontamination shower. Hermann sets him back on his feet once they’re in, and turns on the taps, drenching them with water immediately. Newt gets his face rinsed first, then stands under the spray completely, letting it soak him right through.  

But it’s still not enough. His clothes are still covered in toxic matter, and there’s only one thing he can do. 

He gets the shirt off fast enough, and his hands only falter a little as he goes for his belt, and then his jeans. Of course by the time he’s peeled them off, Hermann’s noticed, and is backing away to the door. “I can go,” he says.  

Newt grabs his arm and pulls him back under the water. “You got that all over you when you were carrying me,” he says. “Get your shirt off too, and stay for at least five minutes.”

He’s giving orders, but Hermann’s obeying them and they’re not in the bedroom, after all. And it’s very much the fact that they’re not in the bedroom but in a small _cold_ shower stall that allows Newt to keep his cool and strip off the last of his clothes. 

And then they stand there. For five minutes. 

Hermann’s eyes stay on his the whole time and Newt, usually a little squirmy about such prolonged eye contact, holds it and is so damn grateful for it. He only breaks it at the end for a moment, glancing down (but away from Herman) to check that the water is running clear and there are no burns on his skin or Hermann’s arms, and when he looks up he sees that Hermann’s eyes are closed. 

God Newt loves him. And that fact alone fills him with the confidence he needs.

He has to kiss him, very very softly, and smiles when they break apart and Hermann’s eyes open again. “Thank you so much,” he says. “But, Hermann?”

“Yes, darling?”

Newt steps back - as much as he can in the cramped little stall - and keeps holding that blessed eye contact. “You can look,” he says.

“Newton, are you sure?”

Newt nods. “Go ahead,” he invites. “It’s okay.”

He watches as Hermann breaks eye contact, his eyes slowly moving down Newt’s body. He sees Hermann swallow hard at about halfway, but he doesn't break his composure once. Nor does he linger - as soon as he’s taken Newt in, he looks back up and meets his eyes again. “You are beautiful, my love,” Hermann says quietly. 

Newt smiles. “Thanks,” he says, a little shyly, and opens the door to step out. “I’m gonna dry off and get dressed. You, um… I don’t know enough about this. Do you need a minute?”

Hermann chuckles a little. “The shower is sufficiently cold,” he says by way of an answer, and Newt doesn’t ask him to elaborate. “However, I may… pause here, for a moment. Perhaps when you’re dressed you could bring me my cane?”

“Oh - oh, yeah, of course. I’ll be quick.”

Newt darts to the storage locker with their towels and spare clothes, prepared exactly for this scenario. He dries off and dresses hurriedly, before returning to the lab and finding Hermann’s cane. He returns to the shower where Hermann’s waiting, shivering a little with no shirt and damp clothes. “Thank you, darling,” he says, and takes the cane. “And here I had thought I had managed to avoid a decontamination shower in this lab.”

“Sorry,” Newt says, and follows him to the locker. “To be fair, you are the one who decided to pick me up and get Kaiju all over you.”

“I wasn’t sure if you were going to move,” Hermann says. He sets his cane down, then turns to look at Newt. “I need to undress now,” he says. 

Newt nods. “Go ahead,” he says, and it’s the same tone as before.

“Ah,” Hermann says. “Of course. That’s only fair.”

And without any preamble or presentation, Hermann strips off the last of his clothing. 

Newt takes a little longer to look than Hermann had - just because he has to psych himself up to it. When he finally does look down, it’s only for a second, and then he’s looking at Hermann’s legs instead, then at his stomach and chest and then back up to his eyes. Hermann reads the look, and grabs the towel to wrap around his hips. “No?”

“I mean, you know I think you’re gorgeous, just…”

Hermann smiles. “It’s okay,” he says. “Why don’t you head back to the lab?”

Newt nods and does as suggested. At least he’s not shaking, and he doesn’t even feel sick.

He didn’t like it. But he didn’t hate it either. There’s so much of Hermann that he _is_ happy looking at, that Newt really doesn’t mind that there’s one area that he can’t quite manage - though he could manage it again, if necessary, he just doesn’t particularly want to. But it’s not distress, it’s just… not what he wants. 

And the way Hermann looked at him had, surprisingly enough, been nice. If he’d been feeling any desire, he’d kept it well out of his eyes, because when they had made eye contact again, all Newt had seen was love and affection. And Hermann used the same words as he always does - seeing Newt naked doesn’t seem to have changed the way he feels about him. Newt is no more or less beautiful now than he was before. 

It’s such a good feeling, and not what Newt would have expected to come out a decontamination shower at all. 

When Hermann returns, fully dressed, Newt notices immediately that his limp is more pronounced. “Adrenaline’s definitely gone then, huh?” 

“I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did.” Hermann sits down on the couch and Newt joins him. “Newton, could I trouble you to -" 

He doesn’t need to finish. Newt rests his hands on Hermann’s leg, testing how much Hermann can take, then gently begins to massage it. “I can’t believe you carried me,” he says as Hermann makes a noise of appreciation. “But, um, thank you for that. Really. I just kinda lost my head.”

“You’re welcome.” 

They sit in silence for awhile, Newt working away at most of the tension in Hermann’s leg. It’s going to trouble him for a few days, Newt can tell, and he’ll probably be needed for this again - but Newt doesn’t mind. They’d established pretty quickly that, even though the contact is high up on Hermann’s leg, it’s not even close to sexual and therefore not something Newt has an issue with. 

When Newt’s done and sits back, Hermann puts an arm around him. “Thank you, darling,” he says softly. “Now, I didn’t look for long, so I don’t know - you aren’t hurt?”

“No,” Newt says, smiling a little as he leans against Hermann. “I’ll go to medical later, simply because we have to file an incident report and Tendo will bitch and fuss if he finds out I didn’t get cleared. You should too.” 

“I will.” 

“And, um - thanks. For… for not looking, before I let you.”

“I couldn’t possibly have done that to you,” Hermann says softly. “But thank you for trusting me - and on so many levels. Not only to share that space with you while we were both at least partially unclothed, but to allow me to look and to do the same. I would never have been upset if you hadn’t been okay with that, but I will freely admit that I am so happy to know that you trust me enough to do that.”

Newt snuggles a little closer. “I’m glad I do too. And - and thanks for trusting me.”

“With what?”

“With seeing you. I could’ve reacted really badly - and it’s not like my reaction was that great - and it could’ve made you feel bad about yourself. Which I hope you don’t.”

“I don’t,” Hermann reassures him. “I didn’t expect any sort of rapturous declarations from you, after all. I know you consider me attractive in a non-sexual manner and that is more than acceptable. Flattering, in fact. But now I should ask - was sending you away so I could get dressed a good decision? I didn’t like having to be apart from you when you might have been upset, but I thought it was the best call to make, and I didn’t think you were particularly distressed…”

“I wasn’t. And - for the record, I can look without freaking out. It doesn’t particularly upset me - I’m not gonna start crying or anything, it’s not like that. I just… don’t like it. I’d rather not.”

“Alright.” Newt blinks at him, and Hermann smiles gently. “You thought I’d argue?”

“I thought you’d want more than that. More about why.”

“No. I understand completely.”

Newt frowns. Hermann might say he can empathise or can understand how it must be making Newt feel, but he’s never gone as far to say that he _actually_ understands. “How?” Newt asks, curious.

Hermann goes to speak, then stops. “Well, I’ve never stated it explicitly,” he says after a moment, “simply because it had little significance. It’s been implied, I believe, that your romantic orientation is towards both men and women?” 

Newt nods - then he gets it. “Oh, hey, yeah. Because all the stories you’ve shared have only ever been with guys. No interest in women at all?”

“On both a romantic and sexual level, it has always and only been men,” Hermann says, and if he sounds slightly awkward about saying it, Newt pretends not to notice. Heaven knows Newt’s not the most confident about his own sexual orientation, and if Hermann struggles a little with openly admitting that he’s gay, then so be it. He’s perfectly open with the fact that they’re dating, and that’s all that matters to Newt.

Perhaps sometime he’ll bring it up, see if it’s something Hermann wants to discuss. For now, the current conversation is a little more important. 

“I can understand your dislike,” Hermann continues. “Because I feel the same way about the potential of seeing a woman naked; I would endure it, but it would not be something I would wish to repeat.”

“Yeah.” Newt smiles, and Hermann returns it. “Um, don’t take this wrong but - well, it’s really nice to know that you _can_ feel some of the things I feel. Like, that feeling, just imagine that it’s towards guys as well and you get the idea.”

Hermann nods slowly. “I can hypothetically understand it. Your distaste for sexual contact is far higher than that, though, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. That’s out of the realm of distaste and into distress. Can we… not talk about that?”

“Of course,” Hermann says, and quickly changes the subject - though the next one isn’t much easier. “Is that the first time you’ve shared a shower with anybody?”

Newt shakes his head. “Nu-uh. It’s the first time I… okay, I didn’t exactly _enjoy_ that, it was cold and gross, but at least it wasn’t actively bad. Like the rest of them.”

Hermann frowns. “Is it too much to ask?”

“No. No, um, I guess it’s pretty self explanatory anyway, considering what you know. It used to be either a prelude to sex or they’d want to have sex _in_ the shower and I was always too stressed out over that to get anything good out of it. Or they’d say we would shower after but - but I’d usually safeworded and didn’t want to be touched and they didn’t really want to be that close to me either.”

Hermann makes a soft displeased noise. “I'm sorry, my love. But that makes what you did today all that much braver - I’m very proud of you.”

Newt smiles shyly. “Thanks. I’m pretty proud of me too - but I never would’ve done that if you weren’t so wonderful. So… thanks for being wonderful." 

Hermann chuckles quietly. “You’re welcome.” He leans forward, testing the weight on his leg, then nods and stands, Newt standing with him. “Let’s go deal with the medical examination,” he says, taking Newt’s hand. “Then you can file the paperwork.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. Who burst a Kaiju all over himself?”

Newt pouts, but he knows Hermann’s gonna get his way on this one.

He doesn’t really mind. Too many good implications have come out of today for a bit of paperwork to bring him down.

*** 

It takes less and less nerve to ask for the things he wants these days.

“Hermann?” Newt says quietly one evening, a few days after the contamination shower. “Can I ask for something?”

“You certainly may,” Hermann says, putting his book aside and gesturing for Newt to sit up next to him on the couch. “What is it?”

“I’m gonna ramble a bit before I get to the point,” Newt warns, a little sheepishly, and Hermann just chuckles. Newt knows he’s perfectly aware of that. “Okay, so… so the contamination shower happened, and went better than I’d expected. Neither of us burned anything, I got okay with you seeing me naked and I was okay with being around you naked as long as I’m not, y’know, actively _looking_. That’s all good, right?”

“Very good. Continue.”

“Mm. So, um. Decontamination showers aren’t nice places and they’re kinda cold and ick and cramped and I couldn’t call it _pleasant_ by any means but it… it had the potential to be. Being that close to you and knowing that I was safe in vulnerability and - aw, shit, Hermann, I’ve kinda always wanted someone to wash my hair.”

Hermann blinks in surprise, then smiles - it’s that lovely soft one that’s reserved for Newt surprising him in a good way. “I did want to when we were in there,” he admits. “But I didn’t want to spring touch on you and upset you.”

“I don’t think I would’ve minded, but probably smart. So - so do you think sometime we could try showering together? I basically won’t be looking below your chin the whole time and it might end badly, who knows, but I’d really like to try it.”

“I would be very happy to try that,” Hermann says readily. “You just tell me when you’re ready and if there’s anything in particular you need me to do.”

“Um. How about now?”

It’s just after midday on a Saturday afternoon - that doesn't seem to bother Hermann one bit. “Certainly,” he says. “How would you like to do this?”

“Without thinking too hard about it,” Newt says, and stands up.

Hermann follows suit. He lets Newt take the lead, and Newt just goes ahead and heads into the bathroom and turns on the shower and starts getting undressed, just like he would normally. He doesn’t look over at Hermann, doing the same, and if Hermann’s looking at him - well, hey, Newt doesn’t actually mind. 

He steps into the shower, and a moment later Hermann’s joining him, closing the door behind them. He’s hovering back a little, giving Newt as much room as he can, and Newt takes the time given to him to adjust. As promised, he’s not looking down - he honestly has no idea what effect this is having on Hermann, and Newt really doesn’t want to ruin this by finding out. He has to take small steps, and this one feels big enough on its own anyway. 

So he looks Hermann in the eye and gets used to it. It doesn’t take very long at all. 

When he knows he’s not going to freak out, Newt steps a little closer, and Hermann smiles. “How do you feel?” he asks.

“Good,” Newt says honestly. “It’s… nice. Because I know this is it, that you don’t want anything else out of me. And I get what you mean now." 

“Hm?”

“About the comfort and trust. I - I still can’t look - or _won’t_ look, to be exact - but I still feel closer to you like this. It’s intimacy without the sexuality that always seems to need to come with it and I really like it.”

Hermann smiles. “As do I,” he says. “Do you still want me to wash your hair?” Newt nods, maybe a bit too eagerly, and Hermann chuckles gently. “Alright. Do you trust me enough to close your eyes?”

Newt answers by doing as asked. He waits and listens, hearing Hermann fiddling with bottles and lids - and this is actually pretty nice, trying to guess what he’s doing and trusting Hermann enough to take away his sight. Perhaps they do need to give that blindfold a go sometime soon.  

A few moments later, Hermann’s hands are in his hair, and another few moments later Newt’s trying to work out if he’s actually about to break a few laws of physics and biology and literally melt. He’s used to Hermann stroking or playing with his hair, but this is a whole other level. “Oh damn, you’re _good_ at that,” Newt murmurs.

“Am I?” Hermann asks. “I didn’t realize there was a level of skill involved in hair washing.”

“Well you’ve attained that level anyway - oh god, do that again.” Because Hermann’s just gently scratched at a spot just behind Newt’s ear that feels so damn good and he could gladly stand here all afternoon and have Hermann give him the world’s best head massage.

He’s brought back to earth when Hermann lightly tugs his hair. “Forgotten your manners?” he asks, his tone thankfully light.

“Sorry. Oh god _, please_ do that again.”

“Such a brat,” Hermann murmurs, clearly amused, and does as requested. It’s only for a moment, and then his hands are gone completely, quiet laughter his response to Newt’s disgruntled noise. “Tilt your head back,” he says, tipping his fingers under Newt’s chin. “Time to wash it out.”

Newt can’t really complain - Hermann’s hands working the shampoo out of his hair is almost just as good. “I think you need to become a permanent fixture in my showers - well, semi-permanent,” Newt amends, when he remembers the other reason that Hermann needs to shower alone. “This is hands down the best shower I’ve ever had. Why do people pick orgasms over _this_?"  

Hermann laughs, and Newt chances opening his eyes to see Hermann looking at him with immense levels of fondness. “I couldn’t possibly tell you,” he says. “I’m glad I picked this too.”

Newt smiles, understanding what he means. “So am I,” he says quietly.

Hermann scratches at that spot behind his ear again and Newt closes his eyes and drifts in happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I think we all know by now that Newt is me. I hope we all know by now that I don’t represent all asexuals. There are many who are far more comfortable with nudity or sex, or nudity and sex. But I’m sex-repulsed and so I’ve written Newt in a way I would react - though, to be fair, I don’t know how I’d react past the point of forced nudity. I think I’ve made him handle things way better than I would. Anyway, just wanted to put that note in there - there are many asexual people who are fine with nudity, who are happy to have sex (just not euphoric about it), and who enjoy masturbating and orgasms. And then there are the ones like me who would rather hide under their desk forever than be put in the situation I put Newt in. 
> 
> By the way, I know from the comments/discussions that there are quite a few asexual people who read this (and a couple of fellow ace subs, as well as an ace Domme), so I’m curious. If you’re interested in answering, where would you fit on the spectrum? And how would you react in a situation like this?
> 
> (P.S. Not knocking orgasms or people who think they're the best thing in the world. In fact, I envy you)


	14. we'll never fall apart, 'cause we fit together right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So they’re the most non-compatible people possible and they get along so goddamn well that they’ve been asked if they were dating countless times. It’s always amusing - because they love each other so damn much, but in such platonic ways. There’s never been any chance of sex or romance between them, and it suits them both perfectly. They understand each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Tendo stanning in full force. He won’t be in all the chapters from now on or anything, but he’s now considered a main character of this fic. However, this won’t turn into another Becoming Three verse - the ship is still Newt/Hermann and will stay that way. Tendo's just gonna… lurk around and be important. And adorable.

“Hey, guys, got some reports I need -“

Tendo freezes in the doorway, just as Newt lifts his head from Hermann’s knee. He looks over to Tendo, then up at Hermann who’s staring at Tendo with horror. “Hermann,” he murmurs. “Connector.”

Hermann snaps to attention, quickly leaning down to unclip the connector from Newt’s cuffs. Newt stretches his arms out to the sides, rolls his shoulders, then stands, just as Tendo finally seems to catch himself staring. “Oh, god, sorry,” he says, taking a step back. “Didn’t realize -“

“I know,” Newt says with a nod, since Hermann seems too stunned to speak. “It’s okay, we should’ve locked the door... or not done that in work hours at all. And I’ve been meaning to come and tell you, but I hadn’t asked Hermann’s permission and besides, we were busy working out the dynamics and you’ve been busy playing Marshal. But, um…”

He shrugs, and Tendo grins. “Newt, my man, I am ridiculously happy for you. Hermann Gottlieb, you’re a lucky one - that was one gorgeous image I walked in on. Restraints suit him.”

That gets Hermann moving, fast. “That’s an image that is _not_ for the public,” he says, stepping up to Newt’s side and taking his arm protectively. “I suggest you forget what you saw.”

Tendo winces. “Shit, sorry,” he says, now addressing himself to Hermann completely. “I know better than that, really - I’m just used to teasing Newt, I forgot that when he has a Dom it’s a whole different story.”

Hermann frowns at that, then looks to Newt. “He knows?”

“He’s been my shoulder to cry on for the past six years,” Newt says. “Yeah, he knows.”

“I’ve been trying to help him find his ace Dom for ages now,” Tendo says. “Didn’t think to look to his lab partner, though.”

“Technically I still haven’t found my ace Dom,” Newt says quietly. 

Tendo looks between them, and his eyes narrow. “Oh god, Newt, tell me this isn’t another one of _those_. You promised me you wouldn’t do that to yourself again.”

Newt shakes his head. “It isn’t.”

“Is he referring to the arrangement you had with that woman?” Hermann asks, then grimaces when Newt nods. “Good lord, no. Newton only submits to me in non-sexual ways.”

Tendo visibly sags with relief. “Thank god. I tried so hard to get him out of the last one.” 

That seems to relax Hermann too - Newt should have told him earlier that Tendo’s a hell of an ally. “I’m glad he had someone looking out for him,” he says. “You can rest assured that he’s being treated properly now.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you,” Tendo says with a nod, and puts the reports down on Newt’s desk. “Now, those need to be checked for accuracy and confirmed for delivery to the UN by the end of the week. I’ll leave you to it.”

“Thank you, Tendo,” Hermann says, and Newt nods. 

Tendo turns away, pauses, then turns back. “I should’ve seen it,” he says. “I know I’ve been too busy to really have time to chat to him, but the change is obvious anyway. Newt hasn’t been this content in years. Thank _you_ , Hermann, for making him happy.”

He leaves on that note, and Newt glances at Hermann who looks pleasantly surprised. “I forgot you two were so close,” he says, then suddenly looks worried. “Have I stopped you from spending time with him? I certainly haven’t intended to.”

Newt shakes his head. “He’s pretty much running the place right now, so he’s barely got time for anybody. Meals are all anyone sees of him until this last batch of UN reports are done.”

Hermann gives him a thoughtful look. “You should spend more time with him, though,” he says. “We have little to do at the moment. Go and visit with him while he works." 

Newt smiles. “I can happily obey that order.”

“I hope you happily obey all of my orders,” Hermann says, smirking a little. “Out of interest, was Tendo the one person you would be okay with seeing your collar, the one you mentioned when we discussed it?”

“Yeah. God knows I’ve complained to him enough about how I wished I had someone to collar me.”

“Is he familiar with this, then?”

“Oh, no. Not at all. He might have a lot of sex but most of it is apparently pretty vanilla. I know he’s played around with handcuffs and things but never… not anything on this level.”

Hermann frowns. “Does he talk to you about sex?”

Newt laughs. “It’s Tendo. Like I’d be able to be friends with him for this long and not hear about his sex life.”

“It doesn’t upset you?”

“Not really. He knows where the limit is, and when it’s nothing to do with me it’s a lot easier to handle.”

Hermann nods. “That makes sense. And it seems he’s been of help to you?”

“Tendo’s amazing,” Newt says honestly. “Everybody looks at him and sees some kind of sex-obsessed person who they’d only go to for… well, sex. And sure, he’s slept with just about everybody who’s come through this place, but there’s so much more to him than that. He’s been my best friend for years and he’s done so much for me, helped me through some horrible times. He didn’t bat an eyelid when he saw me kneeling, apart from being rather shocked that it was at your feet.”

“I did notice that. Why was that?" 

“He’s seen it before.”

Hermann frowns. “Tendo’s dominated you?”

“Oh, no, not like - just sometimes when I got really upset, he wouldn’t mind if I sat on the ground at his feet. It was never anything like that, he just knew it’d calm me down a bit.” 

Hermann slowly nods. “I’m glad you’ve had him all these years,” he says. “He sounds like the kind of person you’ve needed… and still need.”

“So it’s… okay?”

“Hm?”

“For me to still be friends with Tendo. I mean, I know I can still be _friends_ with him but - but on that level of closeness? Obviously I won’t be kneeling at anybody’s feet but yours.”

Hermann smiles. “I can never be everything you need, Newton,” he says. “I can do my best and I can give you everything I’m capable of, but you require other people in your life. As do I. And Tendo needs you, that much is clear. Spend more time with him." 

Newt nods. “I will.”

***

So he goes up to Tendo’s station later that afternoon with coffee and Hermann’s permission to speak as freely as he likes (except, of course, sharing anything personal about Hermann). Tendo’s the only one there, most of his crew having moved on, and grins when he sees Newt, clearing a spot for him to sit. “Oh good,” he says, and gives Newt a grateful nod as he takes the coffee from him. “I was hoping you’d be allowed to come up and chat.”

By chat, Tendo means _tell me every fucking detail_ and Newt knows it. “Hermann’s okay with me telling you most things,” Newt says. “I think he likes that I have a friend who I can be more open with.”

“Well, I’m certainly that. So?”

Newt considers where to start. Then he smiles and lifts his hands to his shirt collar, loosening his tie. “So,” he echoes, and undoes the top button of his shirt so his collar is visible.

“Oh wow,” Tendo murmurs. “God, that looks _incredible_ on you. He went all out, didn’t he?”

“You have no idea how much he’s spoiled me,” Newt says. “It’s a bit hard to believe still.”

“And he hasn’t asked…”

Newt shakes his head. “Not only has he not asked, he’s not _allowed_. His rules.”

“Oh, Newt,” Tendo says quietly. “That’s just amazing. All that looking and worrying that you’d never find someone who respected your limits and he was right there the whole time.” 

“I never even thought of Hermann,” Newt agrees. “I mean, I loved him but I just didn’t think he’d go for _me_ , let alone any of this. And - and not only is he into this kind of thing, he doesn’t want anything more than I’m willing to give. He genuinely just seems to want me as I am.”

“Of course he does, beautiful. That’s what I’ve been telling you all these years - there’s nothing wrong with you, and Hermann’s so lucky to have you. Everybody else who imposed rules you couldn’t follow were morons for not realising what they lost. You’re worth all of the ‘spoiling’ Hermann’s giving you, and then some.”

Newt tries to pretend he’s not close to tears. “Well why the hell haven’t _you_ been spoiling me then?” he demands. “Prime opportunity.”

Tendo chuckles. “You’re too sweet for me,” he says. “I’d just corrupt you beyond belief.”

Newt rolls his eyes, but he’s not going to push this any further - because he knows exactly why. He and Tendo might be best friends, but romantically and sexually they couldn’t be further apart. And that’s not just because of Tendo’s clear sexual lifestyle in comparison to Newt’s asexuality. 

Because Tendo’s aromantic. He connects primarily through his platonic friendships and sexual encounters, but has little interest in relationships and romance. And that certainly isn’t to say that that the connection Tendo shares with those people in his life is any less important than, say, Newt’s love for Hermann. Tendo still loves the people he’s with, just isn’t _in_ love with them. He’s still kind and compassionate and tender, but he’ll make it clear that he’s a best friend, not a partner. Romance is not on his agenda and never has been. 

In fact, the only thing Newt and Tendo really have in common is that they’re open to being with just about anybody. Except in Newt’s case, it was whoever would take him; while Tendo gets whoever he wants. 

So they’re the most non-compatible people possible and they get along so goddamn well that they’ve been asked if they were dating countless times. It’s always amusing - because they love each other so damn much, but in such platonic ways. There’s never been any chance of sex or romance between them, and it suits them both perfectly. They understand each other. 

“Oh, hey, Hermann wants to know what evenings you’ve got free,” Newt says as he remembers. “He also says Saturday afternoons would be perfect for him to have his alone time if you’d like me then.”

“Sorry, what?”

“For us to hang out,” Newt elaborates. “You’ve made the schedule, dude.”

Tendo frowns. “But don’t you want to be spending all your free time with Hermann?” he asks.

“Not all of it. He might be my Dom but we’re both still human and we need our space on occasion. Plus, you know I love spending time with you. Hermann’s just being Hermann and making it all official and scheduled because he likes things that way and knows you do too. Basically he’s reminded me to keep you as you always have been - one of the biggest priorities in my life. And I know it’s been because you’ve been so busy and I’ve been figuring things out with Hermann, but we haven’t spent enough time together lately and we should.” 

“Please stop,” Tendo says, “or I will actually cry.” He turns away and Newt sees him covertly wipe his eyes as he checks his schedule. “Wednesdays,” he says. “Tomorrow. Cool with you?”

“I’ll check with Hermann but I’m pretty sure it will be.” Tendo doesn’t turn back, and Newt knows him well enough to simply put a hand on his shoulder for a moment, then stand to leave. “I’ll bring the popcorn,” he says as he walks away. 

“We’re not watching Godzilla again,” Tendo calls after him.

“Yeah, we are,” Newt calls back, and grins when he hears Tendo laugh because yeah, they are.

***

He tells Hermann about Tendo’s aromanticism a few nights later (with Tendo’s permission, of course), and explains what he can, what he’s been told by Tendo. Hermann listens and takes it in, and is nodding thoughtfully by the time Newt’s finished. “Another area of research,” he says. “Pass on my thanks, for trusting me with this.”

“I will. And he’s pretty open about it - he has to be, considering. Gotta make it clear with people before things start getting too permanent.”

Hermann nods again. “I did wonder about him having so many different sexual partners. Naturally I didn’t judge it, but I did wonder about his… disinterest in settling down with somebody. Now I understand.”

“Yeah. Tendo’s pretty happy with his lifestyle - but, um, the massive amounts of sex, that’s not _because_ he’s aromantic.” Because Newt wants to make that one clear straight away, so Tendo doesn’t have to later. “Tendo just likes sex.”

Hermann smiles. “Yes, I gathered. But you must tell me, if you can - did he sleep with Chuck Hansen? I heard a rumour.”

“You? Listen to rumours? Who are you and what’s happened to Hermann Gottlieb?” Hermann raises an eyebrow, a gentle admonishment to behave, and Newt settles. “Yes, he did. In Chuck’s defense, he was very drunk. In Tendo’s defense, Chuck was very drunk.”

Hermann chuckles. “Interesting,” he says. “It seems the only department he never got to was ours.”

Newt smirks. “Well, he had no chance with me. But up until we got together, you were on the list of _would do but they probably wouldn’t let me._ Now you’re on the _call me if you ever want a threesome_ list. Not that there could really be a threesome with me but, y'know, same principle.” 

“There’s… he has a list for that?”

“Oh yeah. Mako’s on it too - you’re in good company.”

“Not Raleigh?”

“Raleigh’s on the much longer _been there done that_ list.”

Hermann raises an eyebrow. “Raleigh and Tendo?”

“Are you surprised? Both Becket brothers are on there, as well as a lot of names you wouldn’t expect.” Hermann still looks a little shocked, so Newt spells it out for him. “There have been a lot of people pass through this place who’ve had a need for intimacy. Not just casual sex, but a connection with someone who they care about… but not a relationship. Not with Drift compatible pilots, far too messy to try and have a partner on the outside and apart from the Kaidonovskys you know pilot couples have been rare. They need someone who they can care about, who they can go to for sex and know that they’re with someone they trust and can call a friend, but who won’t demand more of them. Tendo has served a much greater role in this place than anybody’s really been aware of - because sex matters to most people, no matter how much of a great big war is going on out there. Tendo’s not a _no strings attached_ kind of fuckbuddy; he’s just the right kind of strings attached.”

Hermann’s smiling. “You really are so defensive of him, aren’t you?”

“Well, yeah. I got so sick of the bad rap he’d get around here - he might seem confident but he hurts just as much as I do sometimes. I'm not the only one who… who feels broken.” 

Hermann’s expression softens. “Ah,” he says quietly. “Yes, I can see where that similarity might emerge. No wonder you two have been so good for one another.”

Newt nods. “I hope you get to know him a bit better too,” he admits. “Because you’re the two most important people in my life and I want you to be friends too." 

“I don’t think that will be a hardship. Tendo’s very nice - any lack of true friendship is simply that we never made time to make that connection in the way the two of you focused on sustaining it. But we have connected in the past; some of the time I spent with Sasha and Aleksis had Tendo present also.”

Hermann’s quiet for a moment, and Newt squeezes his hand. Because he knows while he’d had Tendo to go and hang out with in his spare time, Hermann had spent a lot of his with the Kaidonovskys. He’s still taking his time to work through his grief, and it probably explains a bit why Hermann doesn’t seem to have many friends at the moment - the pain is still a little too raw for him to ‘replace’ them just yet. 

Maybe Tendo can help Hermann too, by being a positive reminder of the good times they’d all shared. Newt really hopes so. 

“Want to join us for movie night next week?” he asks.

Hermann frowns. “What are you watching?” he asks warily.

“ _Star Wars_.”  

“Absolutely not. 

“ _Star Trek?_ ” Newt tries.

Hermann gives him a long look. “Perhaps,” he says, and Newt fist pumps in celebration because he’d always had a hunch that that one might work. “That wasn’t a yes, Newton,” Hermann tells him faux-sternly.

“Yeah it was,” Newt says, and grins when Hermann rolls his eyes because yeah, it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aromantic Tendo is an important thing for me, and my dear friend Jess (consultingcriminalzebra), who is the Tendo to my Newt, has helped me craft Tendo and explained all the details I needed to know. Also, to make it very clear, aromantic Tendo has not been ‘created’ aromantic so he can fill a role in this fic - he’s been headcanoned in my mind as aromantic for quite some time now. This fic is a big mixture of primary and secondary headcanons and aromantic Tendo is a primary.
> 
> Important disclaimer here that Tendo’s high sexualization is not linked to his aromanticism. That’s just Tendo being Tendo and not all aromantics who aren’t asexual are necessarily quite as sexual as Tendo. In Jess’ words “this is Tendo, and his liking sex a lot isn’t related to his being aromantic, he just rolls with both”. There are issues with aromantics being stereotyped as unfeeling and constantly having meaningless sex and I want it clear that this is untrue and not something I’m buying into as I write Tendo. Tendo just happens to be sexual, but the way he loves people is no less valid than romantic love and I hope that’s being made clear in how he’s written. Also, just like asexuals, this is not the only form of aromanticism out there - everybody is completely different when it comes to things like this.


	15. all I know is pouring rain, and everything has changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Obviously it’s up to both of us and if you, I don’t know, want to go to the UK or back to Germany or anything like that, I’m not gonna say no… but I like the idea of staying here. So much happened to us and I know so many people are running away because Hong Kong is a horrible place for memories but we have heaps of good memories too and - and this place has shaped me more than anywhere else. I know who I am here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, guys. It's my graduating semester and university has just knocked me to the ground. Even when I do have the time, too much academia destroys my creativity. Once I get through October, I'll have hopefully bounced back - until then, I can't promise frequent updates. But I can promise no abandoning. 
> 
> If you're ever curious about where I'm at with this fic (or others), come have a chat on Tumblr at commanderchoi.

It’s not until Newt shatters a beaker that he realizes he’s shaking.

He stares down at his hands, then at the shards of glass littering his desk. For a moment he can’t understand they’re his hands, this is his work - and then reality floods back and he tentatively reaches out to pick up one of the pieces.

“Stop,” Hermann orders gently, now by his side, and Newt snatches his hand back immediately. Hermann gives him a long look, then pulls over the chair. “Sit down,” he says. “I’ll clean up. I want you to take some deep breaths and count to a hundred.”

Newt obeys. He’s not sure why - because Hermann’s treating it like he’s about to have a panic attack and he’s not about to have a panic attack is he? - but he trusts Hermann and does it, and by the time he gets to a hundred he’s trembling a bit less and Hermann is just putting the last of the shards into the bin. “Okay,” he says. “I - I don’t know what happened.”

Hermann doesn’t look surprised. “I didn’t think you’d noticed how jittery you’ve been today,” he says. “But I’m at a bit of a loss too. I know you took your medication this morning, so it’s not that. Are you feeling anxious at all?”

Newt considers. “Not really. I’m not really… feeling anything.”

“I don’t like that,” Hermann says immediately. “That makes me think you should be feeling something but you’re not letting yourself. Now, what caused this? What was out of the ordinary today?” Hermann thinks, then nods. “You had coffee with Tendo. What was discussed?”

“Um. Latest gossip… the bids for the Jaeger recommissions… how much longer they’re gonna keep the ‘dome open which really isn’t as long as I thought, might only be a month or two before it’s shut down and -“

“Newton,” Hermann interrupts gently. “You’re shaking again.” Newt, startled, realizes he is, and frowns at Hermann. “Your tone also changed quite a bit near the end of that, when you started talking about the Shatterdome shutting down.”

“Oh. Um?”

Hermann nods. “Tell me how you feel about the Shatterdome closing.”

Newt shifts a bit in his chair, presses his hands together. “I dunno,” he says. Hermann arches a brow and yeah, Newt knows that isn’t a suitable response, but he’s struggling to find the words. “I guess I… I don’t like it?” he ventures. “I like working here. I like focusing on the Kaiju. I’m used to this. I haven’t had anything else for a long time and now it’s gonna go away and -“

And Newt’s breath catches in his throat, twists itself into a sob and _shit_ , now he’s crying and he doesn’t even _understand._

Hermann does. Hermann pulls him up out of the chair so he can hug him, hold him tight, whisper words of reassurance and comfort as Newt melts down. He’s clinging on to Hermann for dear life and Hermann lets him, helps him ride through it. It’s always awful, so _awful_ , to end up like this, but even worse when Newt really doesn't know why. He has some vague ideas, knows that he’s heavily opposed to leaving the ‘dome, but he honestly can’t pinpoint what the hell is making him sob into Hermann’s chest like this. 

So he works on calming down, so then Hermann can explain it to him. 

Hermann doesn’t explain immediately, of course. Once Newt’s stopped crying and isn’t shaking quite so much, Hermann settles him on the couch and sits next to him. He checks his pulse, asks him simple questions and makes sure Newt is grounded - even though that wasn’t a panic attack, he’s _fine_ , he just wants to understand.

Then Hermann takes his hands. “You’re frightened,” he says. “You’re scared of an uncertain future - for the first time in awhile you don’t know where you’re going and what you’ll be doing. You will have to start a new chapter of your life, adjust to a new situation, meet new people, acquire and apply new skills. You don’t know what will happen and it scares you.”

Now that Hermann’s said it, it’s painfully clear. “Oh,” Newt says quietly. He doesn’t know what else to say, and his throat threatens to close up again. “Yeah. Guess that makes sense.”

“It’ll be okay,” Hermann says softly. “I know you don’t like change, but it always works out.”

“What if it doesn’t? What if I get stuck in some job I hate, or I can’t even find a job because the Kaiju are gone, what good is my work anymore -“

“Stop. Deep breath. Calm down.”

By this point, Newt has (regretfully) had enough panic attacks around Hermann to know how to follow those orders to the letter. “I’m scared,” he says once he’s a lot calmer. “What do I do about that?”

“We’ll need to make plans,” Hermann says - and at that _we_ , Newt can suddenly breathe easier again, as Hermann gives him a knowing look. “I forget sometimes that you never experience things in moderation. You either stay completely calm or forget all logic. Of course we’ll stay together, darling. We’ll find a place to live that suits both of us and find jobs that we like and the world will go on as normal.”

Newt nods. Already things are easier to handle - Hermann’s making all the terrifying things sound so much simpler. “Are we gonna move?” he asks.

“That depends on what we want. Is there somewhere in particular you’d like to live?”

“Well that kinda depends on work -“

Hermann laughs. “Start reading your emails, love,” he says. “At this point we have received job offers from almost every country in the world.” 

“What? Really?”

“Academia, research, writing, _numerous_ boards and companies and… many, Newton.”

“Anything here?”

“In Hong Kong?” Hermann considers. “Yes. University placements mostly.”

Newt nods. “Obviously it’s up to both of us and if you, I don’t know, want to go to the UK or back to Germany or anything like that, I’m not gonna say no… but I like the idea of staying here. So much happened to us and I know so many people are running away because Hong Kong is a horrible place for memories but we have heaps of _good_ memories too and - and this place has shaped me more than anywhere else. I know who I am here.”

Hermann smiles. “And I don’t even need to tell him that he’s been offered the Chair for Biological Sciences at the University of Hong Kong,” he remarks to the room.

Newt’s jaw drops. “You’re… you’re _kidding!”_

“Certainly not.”

“How do you know?”

“If you refuse to read your emails, I must do it for you,” Hermann says with no shame. “I needed to know who was offering you positions so I could rule out places that didn’t ask for you as well.”

Newt’s eyes narrow a bit - he’s still buzzing over the latest news, but there’s something he needs to find out first. “Who have you turned down, Hermann?" 

“Oxford, Harvard -“

“What? No, you can’t -“ 

“- but considering that my careful inquiries revealed the Chair of Mathematics has suddenly opened up, I feel that Hong Kong is my best choice as well,” Hermann completes. 

Newt snaps his mouth shut and stares at Hermann for a bit. “Okay, who’d you bribe?” he asks.

Hermann rolls his eyes. “We don’t need to make a decision immediately,” he says, neatly evading the question, “but I think we can put Hong Kong on the shortlist.”

“Yeah. There’s the rest of our lives to go off and live other places, but there’s been too much excitement in the past ten years... and I'm kinda happy to make a decision immediately, to be honest. Let’s just settle down and live here for awhile.”

“That sounds perfect to me. Does the future feel a bit more secure now?”

Newt nods. “It’s still kinda scary,” he admits. “Everything’s gonna change -“

“Not everything.”

Newt looks at him, then smiles. “Okay. Not everything.”

“We’ll get through it,” Hermann says, squeezing his hands gently. “We’ll make it work. After all, we saw the end of the world and avoided it - we can handle just about anything.”

“Yeah we can. So do we accept the positions?”

“I think so. It’s for next semester, so that gives us five months.”

“What if we get kicked out of here before that?”

Hermann smiles. “Well, we did get excessive payouts for our years of work, so money isn’t an issue right now. Perhaps we’ve deserved a bit of a holiday.”

“Italy,” Newt says immediately. 

Hermann just shrugs. “If that’s what you want. We’ll see how much longer we’re needed here, and then we can sort that out. I personally believe Tendo’s estimate falls a bit short.”

“I kinda hope it doesn’t now. I want to go to Italy.”

“We’ll go to Italy, don’t fret. Out of interest, do you know where Tendo’s going to go after this?”

“He’s got no idea either. Hopefully not too far away.”

“I happen to know that there’s a position in lecturing Logistics Management open at the University of Hong Kong also." 

Newt grins. “I’ll tell him. You’re good at making everything better, Herms.”

“I do my best. To be fair, all I did was read your emails.”

“Seriously, I know you’re the best coder in the world at this point, but how are you hacking my emails?”

Hermann rolls his eyes. “You logged in on my laptop a few weeks ago to send a cat video to Tendo and forgot to log out.”

“… oh." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is dedicated to my own terrifying post-graduation plans. The end of an era is always stressful as fuck. I wish I were a world-saving-super-genius who was wanted by everybody. 
> 
> I'll freely own that this is not my usual quality of work. Blame the industry report and my flatmates.


	16. I could get used to this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann’s showing no signs of slowing down. Newt tries not to sigh, and raises his hand.
> 
> Hermann cuts himself off, looking at him in confusion. “Newton?”
> 
> “Can I ask you a question, sir?” Newt says with a perfectly straight face, then ruins it by snickering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Study's still priority but I gave myself a day off and some of my creativity sparked up enough for a bit of writing. 
> 
> Another one for imagined_melody who, when I asked on Tumblr for simple and cute ideas for this verse, gave me the prompt 'cooking'. Of course, being me I couldn't just make it simple and cute, but I hope you like it anyway.

The PA system hasn’t been used since the war, so it startles both Newt and Hermann when Tendo’s voice suddenly echoes around the lab. _“All personnel to the dining hall as soon as possible,”_ he says. _“No emergency, just some crucial information. Yes, Hermann and Newt, that means you two as well. See you all in ten.”_

“I hate it when he calls us out,” Newt says as he strips off his gloves.

“It could be much worse,” Hermann points out. “He didn’t tell us to desist any behaviours like he has for other couples he’s called in the past.”

“Oh god, yeah. I think Pentacost would’ve fired him if he could’ve gotten away with it for that PA comment he made speculating about why certain people hadn't shown up to mandatory meetings.”

Hermann rolls his eyes and meets Newt at the door, taking his hand. “What do you think it’s about?”

“As long as they’re not calling us in for press conferences again, I’m sure it’s nothing bad.”

They make the quick walk to the dining hall and find it mostly empty upon arrival - everybody else still in the building either works out on the floor or up in Tendo’s station, and it takes them a bit longer to arrive. When they do, Newt looks around at the four tables they take up, compares it to the almost cavernous feeling of the room they’re all used to seeing so busy, and then tries to figure out how many people have left this week. 

Thankfully, thinking about his own departure is nowhere near the same source of anxiety it was a few weeks ago. With the news that it’ll be another three months until the ‘dome officially closes (leaving one month for Hermann and Newt to head off on their holiday before taking their new jobs), he can still breathe easy for awhile and not have to think about how they’re going to dismantle their lab. 

Tendo, after wandering in five minutes later than promised, jumps up on a table and looks over them all. “Right,” he says. “As you can see, there are a lot less of us now. We still have a quarter of General Maintenance, about an eighth of my team, the blessing that is the cleaners, the entire K-Science team which has stuck together for obvious reasons -“ Tendo winks at them and Newt smirks, “- and three of our Drift Engineers. While that’s fine for a skeleton crew, there’s one group missing that we’ve all taken for granted for awhile now who have just finished up this afternoon, and there’ll be some big changes now.”

Before anybody can ask, Hermann sighs. “Kitchen staff,” he says.

Tendo nods, and immediately there’s a chorus of groans and complaints. “Okay, okay, I know,” Tendo says above them all. “But look - there’s only about forty of us, and there’s no point in keeping the kitchen staff on when they want to get out of here. It’s time we all remembered how to cook for ourselves anyway. We’ve got plenty of supplies and a big enough kitchen that we could probably all use it at the same time. I can also put orders in for anything you might need.”

“How about six months worth of frozen meals?” one of the engineers asks.

Tendo rolls his eyes. “If you really can’t bring yourselves to do it, there are restaurants all about the place, or you can strike up a deal with someone who can cook. I can’t cook, so I’m more than happy to make arrangements with anybody who can - follow me back upstairs if you’re interested and we’ll have a chat.”

Tendo jumps off the table, messes up Newt’s hair as he walks past, and leaves the room. There’s a moment of silence and shifty looks, then a good quarter of the room quietly get up and follow Tendo. 

“Looks like Tendo needs another roster,” Newt can’t help saying. 

Hermann shakes his head. “He’s like the Pied Piper.” He checks his watch, then stands and holds out a hand to Newt. “No use going back to work. Shall we go back to our room?” 

There’s a snicker from the table over, from one of the techs Newt knows Hermann is on good terms with. “Guess you’ve got your arrangements sorted out, huh Gottlieb? You’ve got Geiszler chasing after you.”

Hermann just rolls his eyes. Newt smirks. “I’m not chasing him - I spent ten years doing that, I’ve caught him now, and I have no intention of letting him go.” 

It makes Hermann blush, but it also makes him hold his head just that little bit higher as they leave, and Newt’s glad. 

Newt’s also a bit caught in his own thoughts, though, at the _arrangements_ comment. He’s got a question for Hermann - but not the kind he can ask in public. So he waits until they’re back in their room, until after Hermann’s kissed him for his comments, and until Newt’s kneeling at his side again. Then he looks up. “Hermann?” he asks. "Does this mean I’m cooking for you now?”

“No,” Hermann says, immediate and sharp. 

Newt frowns. “Why not?” he has to ask. If Hermann wants to cook for him, that’s fine, but the way Hermann’s replied is worrying - as if Newt’s said something wrong. “You… you don’t want me to?” 

“I don’t want you to be _obliged_ to,” Hermann says, and Newt can see him gearing himself up. “You are not my servant. It’s one of the stereotypes I hate the most about this lifestyle - just because you submit does not mean you are at my beck and call and that I can order you to do whatever I please. I don’t ever want you to think that the only reason I have you around is for the things you do for me; this is not one of those _deals_ that Tendo spoke of and I was afraid from the moment he said it that you would feel obligated to cook for me. I don’t enjoy cooking but I cannot order you to do it simply because I don’t want to. That’s not how this works and it’s not fair for -“

Hermann’s showing no signs of slowing down. Newt tries not to sigh, and raises his hand. 

Hermann cuts himself off, looking at him in confusion. “Newton?”

“Can I ask you a question, sir?” Newt says with a perfectly straight face, then ruins it by snickering.

Hermann shakes his head, but he’s smiling. “Incorrigible,” he says. “I suppose I did head off on my own steam there. Go on then.”

“Well, it’s not really a question. I want to clarify my question from earlier - does this mean I _get to_ cook for you now? Please?”

Hermann blinks. “You want to?”

“I love cooking. Especially for other people. And… and since you said you don’t like it, it kinda works perfectly. Right?”

He’s gone a bit timid, but he can’t help it. This is clearly something Hermann feels strongly about, and Newt doesn’t want to do anything that would make Hermann be unhappy with their relationship. He just wants Hermann to understand - this one isn’t about submission at all (except to the extent that most things Newt does are out of submission), it’s actually something he likes in itself instead of just as something to please Hermann. 

Hermann clearly senses his timidity and softens his tone in response. “I didn’t realize you enjoyed it,” he says. “I should have asked that first.”

Newt smiles. “I’ve always liked cooking, but with rations it’s been useless to try. I’m kinda excited about the idea of cooking with real food.”

Hermann smiles too. “In that case, I’m very happy to have you cook. Though I do insist on helping.”

“You don’t have to.“

“You would be satisfied with cooking for me, without me doing anything to assist? I know you submit to me, Newton, but I feel that would be an abuse of my privilege as your Dom.”

Newt rubs the back of his neck. He’s not sure how to address this one without triggering off Hermann’s distaste again, but he kind of needs to. “Can I try to explain something to you?” he finally asks. 

“Of course.”

“The whole… _servant_ thing, that I can see you have an issue with. Because you’re right, it’s not like that, but there’s a reason for that stereotype. I can’t speak for all submissives, but I know that I like to do things like that because one of my ways of showing you that I love you is by doing things for you and knowing that you trust me to do them. If I can cook you food and you like it then I feel like I’ve achieved something and it’s real nice. And if you praise me for it and tell me that I’ve done well, then it’s even better. Generally I hate doing household chores and all that, but if I’m doing it for someone else’s benefit and they thank me and tell me I’ve done well, it’s just so worthwhile. I enjoy cooking in itself, but cooking for you, as my Dom… it’s something special to me. I - I want to be able to do that for you.”

Hermann slowly nods. “I think I understand much better now. I apologize for my vehemence on this topic - as I told you, my last submissive wished to take the relationship to a level I wasn’t ready for, which would have resulted in them essentially becoming my slave. The idea frightened me. I need to know that you still have autonomy. I know you choose to be here, as did they, but I will never know you fully enough to be completely sure that I’m making all the right decisions. I need you to have a voice.”

Considering Hermann was the first to safeword in their relationship, Newt understands. Hermann might be the Dom, the one in control, but he isn’t capable of controlling both of them all the time. There are Doms who can handle that, and Hermann isn’t one of them. 

Newt also isn’t going to push this further. “You know I’ll speak up if I’m unhappy,” he says. “I showed that today, right? If I’d sat back and agreed to not cook for you, even though I disagreed with your reasoning and wanted to do it, then I would’ve been doing the wrong thing for both of us. You’ve always said you’ll never ask more of me than I can give - I’ll never ask more of you either.”

Hermann smiles slightly, but it’s clear that something’s still bothering him. “Did I insult you?” he asks quietly. “Through my assumptions?”

“No, not at all. You were trying to look out for me and I appreciate that.” Hermann nods again, and Newt decides to push it a bit further. “You also kinda showed that we’re both still learning about this and - and that you don’t know everything. Which is good for me to remember.”

“I think you know I don’t know everything,” Hermann says dryly. “And I think this is something we neglected to discuss in our contract. In this environment, general household submission, for lack of a better term, is something we rarely need to factor in. When we move to a place of our own that requires much greater levels of cleaning and household chores, we will need to figure out how that works. But now that we’ve discussed this, I think we can find a good compromise for both of us - and, I freely admit, if you enjoy doing things such as this for me, I’m very happy to let you.” 

“You might have to give me a direct order to clean toilets,” Newt says with a smirk.

“That direct order will be forthcoming,” Hermann says immediately. “Perhaps that could be added to the punishments list.” Newt mock-groans and Hermann chuckles. “Now then, on to the important questions: what are you cooking for dinner?”

Newt smiles. “Surprise,” he says. 

***

It’s not the biggest surprise, to be honest, because they’re still so low on supplies. But Newt manages to scrounge some things together, does a few quick substitutes and hopes like hell that Hermann isn't allergic to anything.

When he puts the plate down in front of Hermann, he stares at it for a solid twenty seconds, then looks up at Newt who's fidgeting. “It’s tomato penne with chicken and spinach,” he says, even though Hermann’s got eyes and can probably tell for himself. “Not the greatest culinary delight but if you tell me what you like I can put an order in with Tendo and cook you some proper food -“

“This is some of the most _proper_ food I’ve seen in many years,” Hermann says, and gestures for him to sit down. “And that only took you ten minutes?”

“Yeah. It’s pretty easy… but you’ve gotta try it before you weigh in." 

Hermann tries it. There’s another long silence as he chews, looking down at his plate, then his eyes meet Newt’s again. “If you keep cooking like this,” he says, “I might have to marry you.”

Newt smiles. “I might have to let you.” 

They look at each other for a moment, realize that there’s one serious future conversation out of the way, and go back to eating in companionable silence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big ol' disclaimer that I have nothing at all against total power exchange relationships; as long as it's safe and consensual, you'll receive no judgement from me. I just don't see Hermann being able to handle that.
> 
> Not sure when the next chapter will be. I still have a bunch of ideas floating about, so there's much more to come yet, and ideas are always appreciated


	17. just close your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he finds the blindfold, he pulls it out of the box and hands it to Hermann. “We kind of never came back to this,” he says as Hermann looks down at it. “I’d like to try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally intended to be a part of a larger chapter looking at three different scenes. Then I got frustrated with part of it and scrapped it. Then I realized how long it had been since I posted a chapter and felt bad. So I'm gonna give you this for now, the third scene hopefully soon, and then (fingers crossed) I'll be back to more regular updates in a few weeks.

He’s owed a reward, and it’s Sunday afternoon. Time to deliver.

Hermann brings out the box and hands it to Newt, then waits patiently while Newt pokes through it. Not all the rewards involve the box, of course, but today Newt’s requested it. He’s pretty sure he knows what he wants - even though it might not end up being a reward. He hopes it does, though.

When he finds the blindfold, he pulls it out and hands it to Hermann. “We kind of never came back to this,” he says as Hermann looks down at it. “I’d like to try.”

Hermann, to his credit, doesn’t second-guess Newt’s selection. “If it doesn’t go well, you’ll still get your reward,” he says, and puts the box away before picking up the blindfold again. “What can I not do while you’re wearing this?”

“Don’t leave the room,” Newt says immediately, then thinks for a moment. “Any kind of touch that isn’t specified beforehand is probably gonna make me really jumpy, at least for the first time. Other than that, I couldn’t tell you.”

Hermann nods. “Those conditions are both fine. I’ll stay close this time. How much touch is acceptable?”

“Hair and hands?” Newt suggests, and Hermann nods again in agreement. “I’m sure more would be okay but it’s a good starting point.”

Because they’ve learned through time and trial and bad days, that no matter how low or self deprecating Newt might be feeling on any given day, Hermann stroking his hair or holding his hands is almost always acceptable. 

“Okay,” Hermann says. “Ready?” 

“Yeah.”

Hermann kisses him quickly first, then, before Newt opens his eyes again, gently puts the blindfold in place. “Take your time getting used to it,” he says. “Tell me if it feels at all bad.”

“Fine so far,” Newt says, which it is. It’s like having his eyes closed or turning the light off - he’s used to being in Hermann’s presence without looking at him. “What… what do we do now?”

“I’m not too sure,” Hermann admits. “I’m learning this just as much as you are - I have some ideas for the future if this goes well, but for now there’s not much apart from… experience it.”

Newt smiles. He holds out a hand and Hermann takes it. “I know it’s meant to be about sensory overload and anticipation and all that, so I had no idea if it would do anything for me at all. It’s not huge, but there is a bit of a difference - I can see it being useful if I’m struggling to focus, because it narrows everything right down to your voice and your touch. And it’s nice. It’s like when the lights are off late at night and we’re talking and everything feels a bit softer around the edges. What… um, what were you thinking of doing in the future?”

Hermann rubs his thumb across the back of Newt’s hand. “Well, we’re off rations and Tendo has assured me that most of the larger food companies have started up again, particularly of all of those foods that had wrappers littering your desk in the first few years of the war. So I thought perhaps I could order in a special delivery of all of your favourites and feed them to you?”

“You have literally described heaven.”

Hermann chuckles, and then there’s a hand in his hair, Newt leaning contentedly into the touch. “I’ll make some arrangements then. For now, I’m afraid, it’s just me.”

“That is never gonna be a bad thing. But, um. Since this is… not bad, does it count for a reward on its own?”

“That depends. Does it feel rewarding?”

Newt shrugs. “I can think of a way it would be more so.”

“How?”

“If you were to read to me while I was like this.”

Hermann hums in approval. “I think that’s acceptable,” he says. “I’m going over to the bookshelf now, and I’ll return in a moment. Anything in particular?”

“Something easy to follow… or difficult enough that I don’t have to pretend to follow it.”

Hermann’s weight leaves the bed, and Newt listens hard for his footsteps and the clicking of his cane. He quickly realizes that he likes trying to work out where Hermann is and what he’s doing, just like he’d felt the first time they showered together. That’s why he’s chosen to try this out, after all.

So Newt listens closely for any telltale signs of what’s going on. Hermann’s pause at the bookshelf is accompanied by a little bit of shuffling and the sound of a few books sliding back and forth - Newt conjectures that Hermann either hasn’t chosen or can’t find what he’s looking for. 

However, that isn’t the case.

“Newton?” Hermann asks after a moment from the other side of the room. “Would it be too early to try something out?”

Newt shrugs. “You’re not planning on leaving the room, are you?”

“No. I’ll stay, and I won’t touch you without specifying first.”

Hermann doesn’t tell Newt what he will do, but there’s not much he can test the limits on that doesn’t involve that, so Newt’s not particularly worried. “Okay,” he says, and waits.

“Good,” Hermann says quietly. “I have one order for you - stay as still as you can, and only move when you think you’ve worked it out.” 

And the room goes silent. 

Newt understands immediately, of course - this has now entered the realm of a test more than a reward. Hermann’s somewhere in the room, watching him, and Newt knows that. He knows he’s being watched even if he can’t see Hermann and the thought alone makes him kinda fidgety, but it’s not a bad feeling so he puts it aside and focuses.

There is, of course, the other part of Hermann’s odd semi-riddle, the part that Newt needs to work out. It’s not too difficult, as there’s only one thing he could be able to work out in this kind of situation - Hermann’s moving, and Newt needs to work out where he is. 

It’s more difficult when Newt realizes how damn good Hermann is at being quiet.

Finally, he hears what he needs to - the faintest noise from his left, as if Hermann’s moved ever so slightly. Newt immediately lifts a hand and points, and is responded to with gentle laughter. “Very impressive,” Hermann says from just to the right of where he’s pointing. 

“Not right though. Damn.”

“I will admit, I moved that item on purpose to throw you off.”

Newt pouts a little. “No fair,” he says.

“Apologies, darling,” Hermann says, still sounding amused as he returns to the couch. He sits down next to Newt and takes his hand. “How do you feel about being kissed like this?”

“I feel like there’s only one way to find out - and that it’ll probably be good,” Newt adds, because he knows Hermann wouldn’t take his first answer as permission. “I can get away if it’s not.” 

“This time you can,” Hermann says quietly. “Perhaps, if you are agreeable, we could combine this with something else from the box next time.”

And while Newt digests that, Hermann kisses him, soft and sweet. And of course it’s good.

He ends up lying with his head in Hermann’s lap, Hermann playing with his hair as he reads aloud. Newt doesn’t quite go to sleep, but it’s a near thing - any longer and he probably would have. After half an hour, Hermann closes the book and gently nudges Newt to sit back up. “That’s long enough for the first time, I think,” he says. “I’ll remove it now.”

Newt keeps his eyes closed as the blindfold comes off - there’s no way to dim the lights, so he needs a few moments to adjust. When he does open his eyes, blinking rapidly at first, Hermann’s watching him and Newt smiles. “That’s the downside of the blindfold,” he says. “I don’t get to look at your face, and it’s a sad day when I don’t get to do that.”

Hermann raises an eyebrow, but he’s blushing slightly. “One day I’ll sneak a rule into our contract that you’re not allowed to make comments like that,” he says.

“Not a chance. You tell me I’m good, I tell you you’re gorgeous. That’s how we roll.”

Hermann kisses him. “How was that?” he asks.

“Good. With potential for more.”

Hermann chuckles. “Yes, I know, you won’t let me forget. I’ll make arrangements with Tendo.”

“Not just that. The idea of combining this with other things.”

“Ah. I’ll certainly keep that one in mind too. But are you sure you feel rewarded? Some of that turned into more of a game than a reward.”

“But that’s cool too. It was fun - and scenes are supposed to be fun, right?”

Hermann smiles. “Yes, they are. Well, as long as you’re happy, then I am as well.”

“You enjoyed it, though?” Newt has to ask. “I’m not sure… I mean, I know it was my reward and all but is that something good for you?”

Hermann nods. “To be able to play around with you, to have fun whilst also being trusted to take away your sight, and to know that it gives you satisfaction to let me take further control - absolutely.”

“Good. But I need to find something good to do to get another reward, pronto. There’s suddenly a whole lot of things I want to try out.”

Hermann kisses him again, and Newt’s pretty sure he’s in agreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never had someone blindfold me, regrettably. Pure conjecture. Tell me if something's super wrong. 
> 
> No idea when the next chapter will be up, sorry! I'm in the home stretch, only a few more things to go until I'm eligible to graduate - but then I have to move out of my flat so that'll eat up some time as well. If you're ever curious about how long I think it'll be until the next chapter, drop me a message at commanderchoi.tumblr.com/ask 
> 
> P.S. If you read my Becoming Three verse and don't follow me on Tumblr, please read this post: http://commanderchoi.tumblr.com/post/99898087769/it-is-with-regret-that-i-inform-you-that


	18. you feel like home to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann gently strokes his cheek - one of the agreed upon areas of touch, unless Newt indicates otherwise. “You are so beautiful,” he murmurs, and Newt would smile if he were able. “I’ll give you another minute to settle in, then we’ll discuss what you’d like to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Exams are over, and now it's just leisure time until graduation next month - so that, combined with the reacquaintance with my creativity (now that I never have to write another academic piece again), hopefully means we'll be back to more regular updates for this fic. Shortish piece this time, the 'second half' of last chapter. Enjoy!

“Safe gesture for this position?”

Newt curls his hand into a fist and knocks against the headboard. It’s about all the range of mobility he’s got.

They’re going all out this time - Newt is blindfolded, gagged, and bound at the wrists and ankles with his wrists fastened to the headboard. Hermann added each element slowly and carefully, and this is the first time they’ve taken it this far so everything is about making Newt feel secure.

Newt has never felt so damn secure in his life. 

He loves this, he truly does. And it’s not something he can even begin to explain properly - it just slows his brain down and keeps him still and takes away the worries of saying the wrong thing or fidgeting too much. It isn’t even close to being sexual, rather it makes his entire body and being feel calm and at peace. 

He knows Hermann’s here. Hermann’s here to get him out of this at the first sign of anything going wrong, and Hermann’s also here for his own enjoyment. Newt had been worried about that at first, worried that it would be a temptation for things to turn sexual, but Hermann’s assured him it isn’t the case. Apparently just seeing Newt like this, knowing that Newt trusts him enough to submit to him like this, is enough to give Hermann that same contentment that Newt’s currently letting himself be swallowed up in. Newt doesn’t understand it - Hermann was too focused on Newt’s needs to explain more - but he’ll trust it.

Hermann gently strokes his cheek - one of the agreed upon areas of touch, unless Newt indicates otherwise. “You are so beautiful,” he murmurs, and Newt would smile if he were able. “I’ll give you another minute to settle in, then we’ll discuss what you’d like to do.”

_Discuss_ isn’t the right word, but they’ve got a system for that. There’s a few things Hermann’s suggested to do in this time, all of which Newt is fine with in theory, but they want to wait until he’s drifted enough into subspace to know what he wants. Sometimes touch ruins the whole thing for Newt, and Hermann’s assured him that if that’s the case, he’ll be perfectly happy to leave Newt to himself, or to try something else instead. 

A minute later, Hermann’s voice cuts softly through the haze to get his attention - but it still cuts through it, breaking it slightly. Newt wrinkles his nose a little in response, and that’s enough for Hermann to understand. “No reading then,” he says, lowering his voice slightly. “Touch?”

Newt considers, then uncurls his hand. Hermann places his in it, and Newt focuses on it before squeezing lightly. That’s the go-ahead signal; Newt’s perfectly happy to be touched. In contrast to the way everything else feels floaty and not-there, Hermann is the perfect balance. 

“May I hold you?” Hermann asks, and Newt squeezes his hand again, another yes. “Excellent. I’m getting up for just a moment, and then I’ll be right back.”

Newt listens to Hermann walk across the room, then back. He’s too lazily unfocused to try and figure out what he’s doing - all he knows is that Hermann lying down next to him and gently wrapping his arms around Newt is ever so nice.

“Still okay?” Hermann asks, and Newt stays perfectly still as a means of answering yes. “Good,” Hermann says after waiting a moment. “Enjoy it, darling.”

That’s the last words out of Hermann for awhile, and now that there are no more interruptions, that beautiful haze descends again. Newt’s so glad for the darkness of the blindfold - something he’s never experienced while he’s been like this, and something he now has no intention of missing out on again. 

Being bound is something Newt’s used to. Being bound by somebody else, not so much. Past Doms had all seen it as something tied to sex (but Newt isn’t thinking about past Doms right now, he doesn’t want to upset himself) and it hadn’t come out much. So Newt’s gotten quite good at binding his own wrists, particularly when upset or overwhelmed - but it lacks something. And that something is what Newt’s finding by being bound by Hermann. 

Being bound by Hermann - being secured by his Dom - is amazing. And Newt really doesn’t have the brainpower for anything more coherent than that right now. 

So he drifts, half in subspace, half in sleep. His brain, usually so wired, slowly winds down to just a few lazy thoughts here and there. The darkness envelops him, soft and soothing. Hermann’s arms around him stop Newt from feeling like he could just float right away. Sometimes he wants that - and during those times, he’ll probably have to make sure Hermann doesn’t touch him - but today he likes knowing that his body is here and secure and safe in Hermann’s arms. 

Time goes. Newt drifts.

He’s gently brought back to awareness ( _far_ too soon) as Hermann moves away and sits up to undo the gag, Newt obediently moving his jaw around to make sure it’s fine. “How are you feeling?” Hermann asks.

“Good,” Newt says, his voice a tired slur. “Is it over?”

“I’m afraid so. It’s time for dinner. Close your eyes - I’m removing the blindfold.”

Newt obeys, waiting patiently for the fluorescent glare to feel a little less harsh on his eyelids. “How long was it?”

“Just over an hour.”

“Didn’t feel like it.” 

Hermann chuckles, gently working Newt’s wrists free. “No, I imagine not. Sit up for me?” Newt does, eyes still closed, and Hermann gently rubs his wrists, then up his arms to his shoulders. “That all feels fine?”

“Mm. Do I have to walk _all_ the way to dinner?”

“Oh, darling,” Hermann says, sounding so amused. “It’s three corridors away.” 

“Three too many.” Newt finally opens his eyes, blinking rapidly. He yawns and rubs his eyes, then gives Hermann his best pleading look. “I don’t know if I can walk that far.” 

“I can’t carry two trays back,” Hermann points out, very reasonably.

Then Newt remembers. “Tendo owes me one,” he says, and fumbles for his phone before Hermann takes pity and gives it to him. “I delivered lunch to his room after an eighteen hour ‘marathon’ that left him too exhausted to walk." 

Hermann just shakes his head. “If I were more sexually inclined, I’d be jealous of the man.”

Newt smirks sleepily and waits for Tendo to pick up. “Hey,” he says when he does. “Calling in the favour. Need dinner delivered. Two trays.” 

_“You sound exhausted. Everything okay?”_  

“Perfect, dude.” 

_“I’ll take your word for it. You can tell me all about it on Wednesday. Trays will be outside your door in five minutes.”_

“Appreciate it,” Newt says, and ends the call. “Five minutes. Can I go to sleep for five minutes?”

Hermann chuckles. “No, love. I need you to stay awake for the next few hours or else you’ll lose your sleep schedule completely. Are you interested in talking about how that felt? I’m very curious to understand what you got out of it?”

Newt nods. “Yeah, guess that’s only ever ended in orgasms for you,” he says. 

“I’ve played on a non-sexual level before, but ultimately it was the main outcome, yes.”

“Mm. Well, I don’t know how it feels when it’s sexual, but it just… it makes the world stop. Or it takes me out of the world, lets me escape for a bit and stop needing to think so fast - I can’t think fast when I’m like that. Everything slows down and all I need to do is lie there and do nothing. I feel safe, like I know my place and what’s expected of me and I know I can achieve that because I don’t have to do anything to achieve it. I can focus on the way you’re holding me and how good that feels.”

“Interesting,” Hermann says slowly. “Mainly that last point - that’s exactly what past submissives have gotten out of it, only their definition of how good it felt is on a sexual scale. For you, it’s more about… comfort?”

“Yeah. It all just feels nice, and nice is not even close to being the right word. If I hadn’t been gagged, I probably would’ve been going on about how much I love you." 

Hermann smiles. “And if you hadn’t requested quiet, I would have returned it.” He pauses for a moment and Newt waits, watching him sleepily. “Knowing that I give you those feelings, and particularly that security, is immensely satisfactory. Caring for you, and doing it right, makes me feel as if I know my place as well and that I have achieved what I wish to.”

Newt nods. “Thank you,” he says quietly. 

“For what?” 

“Explaining. ‘Cause you don't have to or anything, you’re the one who needs to know that I’m getting things out of it and what specifically you get out of it isn’t something you _have_ to tell me - but I like it when you do. Makes me feel like I know what’s going on.” 

“And that’s why I tell you. I -“ Hermann hesitates again, this time clearly picking his words carefully. “I know you’ve had many reasons in the past to doubt people and their motivations, and many elements of the BDSM lifestyle hold bad memories of you being forced out of your realm of comfort. I want you to know exactly what’s happening and why. My job is to make you feel safe, and if that means keeping you safe from bad memories too then I will do everything in my power to -“ Hermann breaks off again, but this time in obvious worry. “I’ve upset you,” he says.

Newt shakes his head, but he doesn’t try to stop the tears, knowing it’s useless. “Of course you haven’t. You just keep being so damn good to me and I feel everything about a hundred times harder when I’m in the aftermath and I just love you so much.”

Hermann wipes away a tear, then kisses his forehead. “I love you too,” he says quietly, and stands. “Let me go and get our food. I’m not done taking care of you yet tonight.”

Newt’s perfectly content with that. In fact, he’d be quite happy if Hermann never stopped taking care of him. 

 Because if there’s one thing better than being cared for by Hermann, it’s knowing how much Hermann loves caring for him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't had a lot of free time to reply to reviews lately, but please know that I read them all and appreciate them immensely. Knowing that there are others out there like myself and that they can relate to what I'm writing makes me feel less alone, and that's why I do this. 
> 
> 200 Kudos at the time of posting this. I love you all so damn much.


	19. everything is changing, and I know you gotta let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Newton, saying that you should have to give me sex is like saying I should have to give you celibacy. Neither of us is capable of it, no matter how much we may beat ourselves up over it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’ve been building to this chapter (or at least I have) since about Chapter 14. I think a certain introduction in that chapter made it very clear that this was eventually gonna happen so here we go. It’s time.

When Hermann sits down next to him, key to Newt’s collar in hand, Newt knows it’s serious.

“I need to discuss something with you,” Hermann says. “And I need us to be equals to do it. I know you never have trouble speaking from a place of submission, but I would be more comfortable if I could remove your collar. I promise to return it as soon as this conversation ends. Is that acceptable?”

Newt nods. He’s worried, but he knows Hermann wouldn’t ask this unless he needed to, so he turns in his chair to give Hermann access to his collar. He bites his lip when it’s removed - they’ve only done this a handful of times in the months they’ve been together and Newt’s nowhere near used to it - and keeps his expression neutral when he turns back to Hermann. “Alright,” he says. “What’s up?”

Hermann, thankfully, gets straight to the point. “Do you remember the first time we spoke about sex?”

Newt nods. “The one where I had a nice little breakdown?”

“That one, yes. Also the one where you asked if I would be having sex with somebody else and I said not at the time but if that ever changed we would discuss it." 

Newt takes that in. “Oh,” he says. “You need -“

Hermann takes his hands. “You are still everything I want,” he says. “You haven’t let me down in any way and I still want you just as you are. Please don’t think otherwise. But I have been experiencing more in the way of sexual desire lately and, for the sake of us both, I need to release that effectively.”

“And that needs another person?" 

Hermann sighs. “That would be the best way. If you are completely against it, we can discuss that and I can look for something else.”

Newt bites his lip. “I’m not… I’m not saying no, but I can’t just say yes and be okay with it straight away.”

“I can understand that. This needs a lot of discussion. In fairness, we should have discussed it before we entered a relationship, to make sure we weren’t opposed on this. But I think we’re both capable of a bit of compromise.” 

“Yeah. Um. Why’s the - the shower routine not working for you?”

He’s painfully awkward, and just as painfully ignorant, but Hermann is equally as kind and patient to balance it out. “To make it as simple as possible, receiving an orgasm from somebody else is different to giving one to yourself. There is little variation to my usual method; sex brings in different variables and other ways of achieving orgasm. It is, at least for me, more fulfilling.”

Newt nods. “Okay. And you’re… desperate?”

Hermann smiles a little. “Not completely,” he admits. “I could go some time longer with my current routine. Well, I could continue indefinitely with my current routine in fairness, but I feel it would start to have an impact on us. I don’t want to hurt you through this, but I’m afraid of hurting you further if I don’t deal with it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, my dear, to put it simply; I love you. I find you attractive. I enjoy kissing you and holding you and having you as mine. So when I start desiring sex, naturally my mind turns to you. I forbid it immediately, of course, but it doesn’t make the thoughts disappear. I wish I had more control, and I’m sorry I don’t.”

“If I can’t apologize for being asexual,” Newt says quietly, “then you can’t apologize for being sexual. And you… I mean, I haven’t even noticed, so you’ve hidden it well. I haven’t felt like you wanted anything more from me.”

“I don’t,” Hermann says. “I want nothing more from you than what you give me. Yes, I desire sex, and sometimes that desire links itself to you, but I do not want to have sex with you, Newton. Because it would upset you, and wouldn’t make me happy.” 

Newt nods. “But you need to have sex?”

“As I said, I could hold out but…”

“You don’t want that desire to get any stronger or else it might start driving resentment between us?”

Hermann looks worried. “I hate to put it that way, and I reiterate that I do not blame you in any way at all. But yes. That is my fear. And with us leaving for Italy for two weeks and _in_ two weeks, I don’t want to tarnish that in any way. I want to enjoy my time with you without worrying about my sexual requirements.”

“Okay,” Newt says simply. “Then you’ve gotta go to someone else.”

Hermann blinks. “Just like that?” he asks. 

Newt shrugs. “Not really,” he admits. “It’s not an easy thing to wrap my head around, but it’s what you need - and you’ve done so much for me that I need, so I can handle it. Just - Hermann, please don’t go to Hannibal Chau.”

He gets a long, stupefied stare at that. “Hannibal Chau,” Hermann repeats. “What on earth put him at the top of your list?”

“I don’t know. I - I guess I just went for the first person I knew wouldn’t fall in love with you.”

Hermann’s expression softens. “I knew that would be the worry,” he says. “But, darling, you’re forgetting something - or _someone_ \- quite important here."  

“What?”

Hermann smiles. “Tendo,” he says. 

Tendo. 

“Tendo,” Newt repeats. “Of course. Why didn’t I think of Tendo?”

“Because he’s your best friend and probably not someone you think about as a potential sexual partner for your Dom? And, to make it clear immediately, if you dislike the idea for any reason, I can find somebody else.”

Newt shrugs. “It just kinda fits nicely,” he says. “But… well, I know there’s no chance of a relationship, but will it be like a… a partnership of sorts? A sexual one?”

“I can’t answer that until Tendo agrees, if he does,” Hermann points out. “But what I envisioned is quite simple. When I need to have sex, I go to him. Otherwise, we stay as we are now - your close friendship with Tendo, our relationship, and whatever Tendo and I are. I feel that we have a good enough connection at this point to at least be friends. I’m not naive enough to believe that things won’t change, but I believe we can make this work without damaging any connections. And if it doesn’t work, we will find another way.”

Newt bites his lip yet again. “I feel like I’m causing so much fuss,” he admits. 

Hermann’s grip on his hands is now tight enough to be painful. “No,” he says firmly. “If anybody is causing the fuss, it’s me. I’m the one needing to go off and find another person to have sex with.”

“But you’re sexual, that’s normal -“

“You’re asexual, that’s just as normal. Neither of us can help our sexuality, but mine is the one that requires something more to be fulfilled. So the onus is on me to solve that problem.”

“It should…”

“What was that?”

Newt looks down. “Nothing.”

Hermann sighs. “I do miss being able to order you to tell me. I know it wasn’t nothing - will you please elaborate?”

Technically Newt doesn’t have to right now, with his collar off. But if the only reason he tells Hermann anything is because he’s ordered to, that’s not the basis for a good relationship. “It should be me,” Newt says quietly. “I’m the one not giving you what I should.”

“I’m the one asking for more than you can give.”

“I can give you sex if you need it -“

“But it would upset you, harm both of us, and is not an option. Newton, saying that you should have to give me sex is like saying I should have to give you celibacy. Neither of us is capable of it, no matter how much we may beat ourselves up over it.”

Newt tentatively looks up. “You beat yourself up over it?”

“The fact that I have to come to you and inform you that I need to go outside our relationship and have sex with somebody? Yes.”

“But you shouldn’t -“

“And neither should you. We both do, and this conversation is getting us nowhere.”

Newt nods. “I know. I’m sorry.” He has to smile a little at Hermann’s look when he realizes he can’t reprimand Newt for apologizing, but wipes it away after a moment. “Alright, so… Tendo.”

“Tendo,” Hermann agrees. “You’re satisfied with him as a choice?”

“Yeah. In theory, but that's all we've got so... yeah. Have you talked to him yet, set up a day or anything?”

“No,” Hermann says. “We’ll go and talk to him together. And if he agrees… well, sooner rather than later, don’t you think?”

“Tonight?” Newt shrugs. “Sure. Will you… um, do you want me to go back to my room while you -“

“No,” Hermann says, gentle but firm. “I will not have sex with Tendo in the bed you share with me.”

That’s a relief. “Thanks,” Newt says quietly. “But, um. Contract.”

“Ah. Yes, thank you for reminding me.” Hermann finally releases his hands and, as Newt works the blood back into them, retrieves the contract and a blank piece of paper. He adds a note to the current section on sex, then poises his pen over the blank page. “What would you like it to say?” 

Newt frowns. “Well… you’ll have to make it sound a lot nicer but, I guess, just that when you need sex, you’ll go to Tendo - if he agrees - and… have sex? Then… I don’t know.”

“Okay. I think the first point is that, if I require sex, I inform you and we decide whether it’s a good day for me to go to Tendo or not. If you have a valid reason for not wanting me to go, we can work out another day for it.” Newt nods, and Hermann jots down something to that effect - Newt knows he’ll neaten it up and type it up later. “Once that’s arranged, I’ll go to his room, engage in sexual intercourse - are there any specifics around that?”

Newt looks down, knowing he’s blushing again. “Like what? I mean, I know there’s a bunch of different things you could do - are you asking if there’s something I don’t want you to do?”

“That’s part of it, yes -“ 

“Don’t dominate him,” Newt blurts out, then bites his lip hard. “Sorry. I just -“

Hermann doesn’t seem angry in the slightest. “You have my word it won’t happen,” he says. “I never intended to - I knew it would be something you would be unhappy with; and besides, you are the only one I wish to dominate.”

Newt smiles slightly. “Thanks. So, um. Other than that… what else were you thinking of?” 

“I think the main issue here is intimacy. Naturally there will be some, unless I go to somebody I don’t know at all. Which is something we didn’t discuss…” 

“You mean like a - a brothel or something?” Newt looks up, grimacing a little. “Um. I know that being with someone like Tendo means there’s gonna be more of a connection but I kinda prefer knowing who you’re with. I’ve got nothing against sex workers,” he adds hastily, “but for this, it’s… well, better the devil you know, right? Please don’t tell Tendo I called him a devil.” 

Hermann smiles. “I won’t,” he promises. “And I prefer it too - but you know that option is always there if there is too much intimacy.”

Newt nods. “For stuff that I don’t really want you to do…” he sighs and shrugs. “I’ve never been in this position before, Hermann. Nothing about the sex I experienced has ever seemed intimate to me, so I can’t really think of what would cross that line.”

“Of course,” Hermann says, softly and with understanding. “I don’t know how it will go either. I’ve never had sex with Tendo - again, presuming it will be him - so I can’t even say what will be involved. But if there are things that you find you dislike us engaging in further down the line, just let me know.”

“Okay.”

Hermann finds one of his hands, squeezes it gently, then returns to the contract. “So we will review this at a later date,” he says as he writes. “Now, after the act, I will then return to you… unless you don’t wish me to?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Hermann shrugs a little. “Immediately after having sex with somebody?”

“If you didn’t, I’d start to panic.”

Hermann nods. “Understandable. I can’t set a time frame until after the first session, and even then it would be tentative. Shall we say that I promise to return within an hour?”

“That’ll be… long enough?”

“It will. It’s probably longer than needed, but allowing for my leg always eats up a bit of time.”

Newt files that away for later - as interesting as it might be, he’s not quite in the mood to get into a discussion about that. “Okay. And you’ll come back and…”

“We won’t know until it happens,” Hermann says as he finishes writing. “Whatever you need, you’ll of course get, but I don’t think you know yet.”

Newt shakes his head. “Not really.”

“That’s okay. We’ll take it as it comes. You’re doing very well.”

Newt smiles a little. He watches as Hermann signs the new page, then hands it over to Newt who does the same. Newt puts it back, returns, and immediately curls himself around Hermann. “I know we’ll have to go soon if we want to catch him while he’s free, but I just need a minute with you.”

Hermann holds him tight. “I love you,” he says softly.

“I love you too.” Newt lifts his head for a kiss which Hermann gives, then sighs and untangles himself. “Alright.” He rubs the back of his neck, then frowns when his fingers don’t meet leather. “Oh, right. Is that still…?”

Hermann picks up the collar, then pauses and studies it. “Let’s talk about this one for a bit,” he says.

Newt looks down. This is what he’s dreaded. “If you don’t want me wearing it while you’re…”

“And that answers that question nicely,” Hermann says gently. “I was uncertain whether you would rather keep the collar on for that added sense of security, or whether it would be easier on you to have it off and feel like you have more freedom. The former, then?”

“Yeah. I trust you, you know I do… but I get scared.”

Hermann doesn’t reply, but a moment later the leather is clasped around his throat again. Newt looks up and meets his eyes, and Hermann smiles gently. “You are mine,” he says. “This is something I need to do, but you are what I want. I understand and respect your fear, and I hope this goes well enough to lessen it.”

Newt fixes his shirt and tie so it covers the collar, then takes Hermann’s hand. “He’ll still be upstairs,” he says - because he and Hermann might have been home early, but that’s just due to a lull in their work. Everybody else is still hard at it. “But he might have another arrangement already for tonight.”

“Then I’ll wait. Unless he says no outright.”

“I doubt he will.”

They go the rest of the way in silence, and Hermann squeezes Newt’s hand as they walk into Control. Newt squeezes back, a little harder than usual.

Tendo looks up as they approach and grins. “Hey, dude,” he says. “Dudes,” he amends as he looks at Hermann, who Newt knows is rolling his eyes. “What’s happening?”

“Can we borrow you for a bit?” Newt asks. “You’re not busy or anything?”

“I've got a few hours free, sure. Let me clear some room, grab some seats -“

“Actually, we’d like you to come with us,” Hermann says.

Tendo looks back up and raises an eyebrow. “Alright,” he says, and stands. “Sure. Where to?”

“Our room.”

Tendo stares for a bit, then laughs. “ _Any_ other couple and I’d be having rather different thoughts right now. Sure thing. Lead the way.”

But Newt knows that look, knows Tendo well enough to see that he knows exactly what’s going on already. Tendo’s having those thoughts… but not about both of them. And it’s not that Newt minds not being seen as sexually attractive, but it’s just a bit weird to know that it’s only directed at Hermann.

Newt’s not quite gotten his head around this yet. He’s not sure when he will.

There’s more silence as they walk, only this time a little tenser with Tendo following along behind them. Thankfully it’s not far to their room. Tendo follows them in, then raises an eyebrow when Hermann closes and locks the door. “Oh, hey, hello," he says. “This is the real serious shit, isn’t it?”

Hermann sits down and invites Tendo to do the same. “It is,” he agrees. “Mostly the locked door is for Newton’s benefit. Do you mind if…?”

Tendo frowns, then realizes why Newt’s still standing. “Oh - no, not at all, man. Whatever’s comfortable for him.”

Newt smiles gratefully and sinks to his knees next to Hermann, who runs a hand through his hair then rests his hand on the back of his neck. “Have you seen much of this sort of thing before?” he asks Tendo.

“Nope. Bit of bondage, that’s about it. But that looks - well, he looks like he belongs there.”

“He does,” Hermann says, and Newt smiles. “And he particularly belongs there for this conversation. Normally he would sit next to me in company, but right now he needs to remember that he’s mine. Tendo, I need to speak to you about sex.”

Tendo just nods. “I kinda figured,” he says. “How long’s it been?”

Hermann considers. “Eight months,” he says.

Tendo whistles. “Dear _god_. Have you always had a low sex drive, or are you just the best partner ever?”

“I’ve never had much need for consistent sex,” Hermann says.

“He’s also the best partner ever,” Newt murmurs.

Hermann smiles down at him. “That too,” he concedes, and Newt returns the smile. “Even now I could last longer but -“

“But it’s a good time,” Tendo completes. “And you want it to be me? Pretend I’m stupid and explain why.”

“A few reasons,” Hermann says. “First, you are no stranger to casual sex; others might not be so open to an arrangement such as this. Others might also question why I am not going to Newton for sex, or believe that I am cheating on him. You know otherwise. And finally, there is no chance of a romantic attachment.”

Tendo nods. “Yeah, I’m pretty good for that. And I can help you out, Hermann - under one condition.”

“What is it?”

“Leave the room and let me talk to Newt.”

Hermann doesn’t even falter. “Of course,” he says. “As long as Newton agrees.” Newt nods and Hermann stands. “I’ll return in a few minutes,” he says, and lets himself out. 

As soon as he’s gone, Tendo slips from his chair and sits on the ground, cross-legged, across from Newt. “Hey, it’s not bad down here,” he says, and Newt rolls his eyes. “You know why I’m talking to you alone, right?”

Newt nods. “I’m okay with it," he says, holding steady eye contact. “As okay as I can be - and the first time is gonna be difficult, not gonna lie. But he needs this and he promises he’ll come back to me and you’re the only person I’d trust with something like this anyway.”

“I’d better make sure I keep that trust, then,” Tendo says. “Now, look, I’m doing this for Hermann, but I’m not gonna do anything that would upset you, no matter how much he asks. What do you _not_ want us to do?”

Newt’s already told Hermann, but he'll share it again anyway. “I would really rather you not let him dominate you,” he says quietly, looking down at his hands.

“Oh no, dude, not gonna happen even if you were down with it,” Tendo says immediately. “I’m not into that sort of thing, you know that. Anything else?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Okay. Hey, Newt?” Newt looks up, and Tendo smiles gently. “If this even comes close to wrecking our friendship, I’m bailing out. You’re the most important person in my life, you know that, and I’m not gonna jeopardise that for anything. But we won’t let that happen, will we?”

“No. Definitely not.”

“Good. You’re my best friend, man, and that isn’t gonna change just because I’m fucking your Dom.”

Newt stares, then bursts out laughing. Tendo does the same, and that’s what Hermann walks back in on. He raises an eyebrow and shakes his head, but he’s smiling. 

And Newt knows it’s all gonna be okay. 

“Go on," he says, and stands, Tendo following suit. “Go and have your fun.”

Hermann immediately crosses the room to hug him, long and hard. “I love you,” he says softly. “Remember that. I’m coming back to you.”

Newt nods. He kisses Hermann, trying to keep the neediness back - if Hermann thinks Newt isn’t ready, he’ll refuse to go. Of course Newt isn’t ready, but he’ll never be ready and this is as close as he’s going to get. “I love you too,” he murmurs. “See you soon.”

“I’ll take good care of him,” Tendo promises. “And I won’t drag it out.”

Newt gives him a grateful smile. “Thanks. Now, go.”

It’s kind of an order, but he’s kind of a little entitled to it right now anyway. He gets one more glance from Hermann, a quick look of reassurance from Tendo, and then they’re leaving, together.

But not _together._ Newt knows that, no matter how fast his smile drops when the door closes, and no matter how fast his mind begins painting pictures he doesn’t want to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think this is a cliffhanger, but it’s a nice point to pause. This was a nervewracking one to post (almost as bad as the first chapter) so I hope I've done it right. 
> 
> I want to state this one again because I feel like it’s super important: I did not ‘create’ Tendo as aromantic to fit this role. I have headcannoned Tendo as aromantic for some time now and when I first began writing him in as aromantic, I didn’t even think about this scenario at first. I am not using aromanticism to help make things easier for Newt - I know aromantics have a hell of a time of it as well and I would never pull that sort of thing. 
> 
> One more note: since this is Newt’s point of view, it eliminates a few things. I feel it important to point out that yes, Tendo finds Newt sexually attractive and would have definitely gone there if Newt had been interested. Because Newt not only isn’t interested but is actively repulsed by it, Tendo’s never ever hinted at that sort of thing. He knows better. In return, Newt never hinted at the crush he had on Tendo earlier on - same principle.


	20. keep breathing, hold on to me and never let me go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because neither of them are perfect in reality, but in this world of theirs, where the rules are their own and they both get what they need, they are the perfection the other seeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight delay on this as I returned to my small, racist, homophobic, bigoted and prejudiced home town for a month. Here's the other half. Please read the end note, it's rather important.

When the door opens, Newt’s kneeling, waiting.

He hears Hermann pause, then the door closes and the click of his cane crosses the room to Newt. Hermann sits down on the edge of the bed and touches his hand to the back of Newt’s neck. “Hello, darling,” he says, and his voice sounds exactly the same.

Newt looks up. “Hi, Hermann,” he says quietly, then frowns. “Your hair’s wet.”

Hermann nods. “I took a shower before I returned. Just to be certain.”

Newt’s absurdly grateful about that. “Thanks,” Newt says with a small smile, and Hermann returns it. “So… um. How - how was it?”

“Do you actually want to know the answer to that?”

Newt slowly nods. “Not in detail,” he adds. “Not like - just. Y’know. I want to know that you got what you needed and that… that we’re still -" 

“We are still,” Hermann says firmly, then sighs and softens his tone. “I know this is difficult for you, and I understand that, but you need to trust me, love. I got what I needed and returned to you, and had no intention of doing otherwise. This changes nothing about how I feel about you, except that I can now focus all my attention back on you. Okay?”

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

“Newton -“

“Please let me have this one,” Newt interrupts quietly. “Because I do trust you, but I panicked. And I shouldn’t have, I know you have this under control and you wouldn’t break a promise to me. So I owe you an apology.”

Hermann strokes the back of his neck, fingers brushing over his collar. “Apology accepted, then,” he says. “As long as you know that I don’t expect you to just… be okay, right now. I need you to trust me, but that doesn’t mean I need you to pretend everything is fine. I know this will take some getting used to and you are going to have a lot of different emotions about this. I want you to be able to express them and understand them. So - trust that I am still committed to you and I still love and want you just as I did before. But don’t ignore the feelings you might have that could tell you otherwise. Those are the things we need to talk through and find solutions to.”

Newt spends a good few seconds just blinking at Hermann. “God,” he says quietly. “You’re just… not real. How are you this _good_?”

Hermann smiles a little. “I pay attention to you," he says. “I think about the logical reactions that might come from a situation like this. And I don’t expect you to reach some unattainable standard. Whatever you feel is valid and deserves my full attention - you are my priority; your safety, happiness, and wellbeing, matter. Especially now.”

“C’mon, I said I wasn't gonna cry when you got back,” Newt complains. He blinks back stubborn tears, smiles at Hermann’s gentle laughter, then closes his eyes for a second and just feels. “I’m okay right now,” he says, looking back at Hermann. “Glad you’re here. I just want to… to be here with you and not think about it for tonight and then maybe tomorrow I can accept it as reality and see how I feel.”

Hermann nods. “I can work with that,” he says. “Do you want to leave all discussion until tomorrow, or is there anything else you’d like to know now?”

Newt thinks again, then nods. “Was Tendo the right choice?”

Hermann rolls his eyes. “That man believes he is god’s gift to the world when it comes to sex,” he says, and Newt chuckles. He’s heard that one far too many times about Tendo. “Apart from that, yes. We worked well together and I believe it was mutually pleasing. And then he kicked me out of his bed and told me he had another booking and to let him know if I would like another session.”

“Him and his appointment book,” Newt says, but he’s touched. He knows exactly why Tendo sent Hermann away and it had nothing to do with scheduling. “You think you’ll go back to him soon?”

“Not soon, but possibly. How do you feel about that?”

Newt considers it. “I’m okay with it,” he says honestly. “I mean, again, still gotta think about all this but if there’s someone I can trust as much as I trust you, it’s Tendo. He’s not gonna fall in love with you and - and even if I didn’t trust him, I trust you. That’s what matters.”

“Yes, it is,” Hermann says, and he’s got that smile on, the one that Newt knows means he can’t understand how he got so lucky. Newt begs to differ, but it makes him happy to see it anyway - it means he’s done good. “I will not break your trust over this, Newton, I swear. Nor, I believe, will Tendo - do the two of you have an arrangement?”

Newt shrugs a little. “Not really. Just that if it starts affecting things between me and him, he’ll stop straight away.”

Hermann nods. “I expected as much. You are the most important person in his life, I know that.”

“It doesn’t bother you?”

“It is a little odd knowing that somebody loves my partner as much as I do - but I know the love is different and would never encroach on what we have. So then it’s just nice to know that you are receiving so much love, love that you deserve.”

How the hell does Hermann think _he’s_ the lucky one? 

“I hope I give you as much love as you deserve," Newt says quietly. “It’s a lot, by the way. You deserve a lot.”

“You give me more than I deserve, my love,” Hermann says. “And you’ve done so well tonight - I know this wasn’t easy for you, and I think a reward is in order. Did you get anxious or panicked at all while you were alone?”

Newt shakes his head. “I mean, I was a little bit worried, not gonna lie. But you told me to remember that you loved me and you were coming back for me, so I kept reminding myself that.”

“You are so perfect,” Hermann says softly.

Newt immediately blushes because Hermann says some sweet things at times, but _perfect_ is not a word he’s used to hearing. “I have a perfect Dom to teach me,” he says by way of deflection - but also because it’s true. 

Because neither of them are perfect in reality, but in this world of theirs, where the rules are their own and they both get what they need, they are the perfection the other seeks. 

Hermann just smiles, his own cheeks a little pink. “May I kiss you?” he asks, and Newt wastes no time in scrambling up onto the bed to comply. 

He falls asleep in Hermann’s arms just like any other night. Because that’s how he needs to start seeing it. 

***

But, of course, it’s never going to be as easy as that. No story ends there. 

Mid-morning the following day, Newt lets himself into Tendo’s workstation. There are only two others there and, when Tendo sees Newt, they’re immediately dismissed. “C’mon in,” Tendo says once they're gone, pulling over a spare seat. “How are you?" 

Newt knows Tendo means the question. “Doing okay,” he says with a shrug as he sits down. “Same as ever.”

“Bullshit, you are not,” Tendo counters. “I know you’re not real upset, or Hermann wouldn’t be letting you out of his sight. But you’re here, which means you’re checking up on how things are between us. The fact that you have to do that shows that things aren’t the same as ever.” 

Newt sighs. “Yeah, well. You slept with my partner. We said we won’t let it ruin things, but it’s gonna take some getting used to and - and things _are_ different, I can’t stop that.”

“I know. Different is unavoidable. _Bad_ different means this never happens again.”

It’s the vehemence in Tendo’s voice that helps Newt smile. “If you and Hermann ever got into a fight over my wellbeing, I honestly don’t know who’d win,” he says, and Tendo just rolls his eyes. “Give me a few days, alright? I know we’ll be fine, but I just need to stop seeing you as ‘the guy who slept with my partner’. I’m not angry about it or anything, it’s just kinda… y’know?”

Tendo nods. “Do you need me to keep my distance?”

Newt thinks about that. “Not distance so much,” he says. “But maybe not - at least for a couple of days - maybe not spend too much time with me and Herms? Just seeing the two of you together right now… unless that’s too much to ask?”

“Of course it isn’t. I was planning on doing that anyway.” Newt smiles gratefully and Tendo returns it. “Now, tell me to butt out if it’s not my place, but how’s things with Hermann?" 

Newt shrugs. “Alright? Nothing’s changed in how we act, he isn’t treating me different or anything.”

“How about how you feel?”

Another shrug. “Just a bit weird. I don’t know - he’s still my Hermann, my Dom, the same person and all that… but he’s also had sex with you. And it feels like he’s less… less _mine_.” Newt sighs. “I don’t know,” he repeats. “Am I being stupid?”

“Newt, c’mon, of course you’re not. You’re trying to adjust to something pretty damn difficult and I don’t envy you that one bit. I know you two are committed to making this work, and I know you’ll get your head around it - but make sure you’re dead honest with him, alright? What you just said to me, tell him if you haven’t already.” 

“He said I have to trust him,” Newt murmurs under his breath.

Tendo frowns and leans forward. “What was that?” 

“I  I promised I’d trust him. That he was still mine.”

“And do you?”

Newt nods. “Yeah, of course I do. But I feel like I _shouldn’t,_ and that’s what’s wrong.”

Tendo sighs. “Hermann isn’t gonna get cross because you’re feeling that, Newt. He’s probably feeling some guilt of his own that you’d tell him he shouldn’t feel - but he’ll feel it anyway. You both will, until those dominant feelings of love and trust for each other win out again. You’ve got to let it sink in, what happened, and you have to acknowledge those feelings. If you just brush them away, they’ll come back worse next time. Talk it out between the two of you. If something’s wrong with this arrangement, now is the time to figure it out.”

Newt has to smile a little. “Hermann said almost exactly the same thing last night,” he admits.

“There you go. Might I suggest you go follow those instructions then?”

Newt nods, then pauses. “In a minute. How was your night?" 

Tendo raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure you want to do that to yourself?”

“Hey, you’re a part of this too. Everybody’s fussing over my needs, and this happened because of Hermann’s needs, but there’s three of us. Sex is one of your biggest connections to people, and I know you didn’t do that to connect with Hermann but was it okay? And are you feeling guilty?”

Tendo sighs again. “Has anybody ever told you that you care too much? This is supposed to be about _you,_ Newt.”

“I’m not the only one involved,” Newt reminds him. “Part of me being okay with this is knowing that everybody else is. So?”

“It was good,” Tendo says. “Mutually satisfactory. And yeah, dude, of course I'm feeling guilt. But in a few days when everything’s getting back to normal and the unavoidable tension has seeped away, it’ll be all better. As long as you’re okay, I’m okay.”

Newt leans in and hugs him. “I love you, man,” he says quietly.

“Love you too, Newt,” Tendo says, before pulling back with a smirk. “Don’t say that too loud around your Dom though.”

Newt rolls his eyes. “I don’t think Hermann sees you as a threat.”

“Hey! I’m plenty threatening!”

And since they’re both laughing, Newt decides that’s a good note to leave on. 

***

Hermann’s watching him when he returns, and Newt smiles. “We’re fine,” he says. 

Hermann nods. “And are _we_ fine?” he asks. 

Newt, without answering, walks over to Hermann’s desk. He stands by his chair, looking at him for a moment, then silently kneels and rests his head on Hermann’s knee. “Can you bind me tonight?” he asks quietly. 

“If that's what you wish. Do you think subspace will help you sort through your emotions?”

“Maybe. But it’s not for that.” 

Newt relates what he told Tendo, and Hermann gently threads his fingers through Newt’s hair when he’s finished. “And that’s why you wish to be bound tonight? You want everything you can to remind you that you are still mine, completely and with no regrets?" 

“Yeah. That.”

Hermann chuckles. “Then that it will be,” he says. “We will, of course, talk further about this and keep an eye on it, but for today I think actions speak louder than words. I also believe you deserve another reward for being as honest and forthcoming as you have. How many do you have waiting now?”

“Three, I think.”

Hermann checks the time, then gently nudges Newt away so he can stand. “Let’s take the afternoon off,” he says. “Three rewards plus a request for restraints - I think this is going to be an excellent afternoon for the both of us.”

Newt doesn’t need to ask whether it’ll be better than yesterday for Hermann. He already knows the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I could make this chapter three times the size and still not be able to feel like it's 'complete'. There's too much under the surface, and too much that can't be addressed in the day after. And, as weird as it may seem, I feel like they deserve a bit of privacy in their own minds to figure things out and work it out themselves. If there's anything in particular you'd like to see in the aftermath of this in future chapters, let me know. 
> 
> Important note: this arrangement is what works for Newt and Hermann. This is not the arrangement that works for every asexual/sexual couple. Please don't think I'm prescribing how things have to be or that this is the only way it can work out - it's far from it. This is just, once again, written from my perspective and my understanding of things, because that's all I can write. I have another chapter coming up in which the other arrangements and ways of working around this are addressed, and I hope that will be a bit more inclusive for those who don't see things the same way as Newt and I.


	21. dug my way out, blood and fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you know why I haven't been listening?"
> 
> Newt shakes his head.
> 
> "Because you haven't been talking."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is a reflection that I am still learning. I have been coming to terms with my identity for about as long as I've been writing this story, and sometimes I get things wrong and make assumptions and fuck it up. Thanks to reviews and messages and people being very open, I am able to learn and grow and understand why I've perhaps gotten some things wrong. This chapter is here to correct my mistakes, and therefore the mistakes of Newt and Hermann.

The next day, Newt's feeling pretty damn okay. He's got movie night with Tendo the following night and he knows they'll be all good, and right now he's kneeling next to Hermann who is absently stroking his hair and he knows that _they're_ all good. He loves Hermann to bits and the fact that he had sex with Tendo two nights ago is now just a blip on the radar. Everything is feeling great again.

For about the next ten minutes.

That's when Hermann, deep in focus at his laptop, suddenly tightens his hold in Newt's hair. Newt yelps a little at the pain and Hermann quickly lets go, but he doesn't say anything. He just stares at the screen, looking almost... mournful?

Finally, he turns away and looks down. "Newton," he says, "I owe you a very deep apology."

Newt blinks up at him. His first instinct is to panic, but he does his best to quell it. "For what?" he asks.

"For presuming. For not asking - well, I asked, but I asked wrong. For not thinking that - for not thinking. That's it, plain and simple, I didn't think, I just decided I knew what was right but -"

"Hermann," Newt says softly. It sounds far more like a plea than he wanted it to.

But it stops Hermann. "My apologies," he says. "I got off track there."

"Tell me? Please?"

"I -" Hermann stops, shakes his head. "I have to ask _you_ ," he says. "Why didn't you tell me off when I came and told you I needed to go to someone else for sex?"

Newt considers that question very carefully, but he can't figure out what he's supposed to reply with. "Um, because I knew it was coming?" he ventures. "Because it was only a matter of time -"

"Before I cheated on you?"

Newt flinches. "Don't call it that," he says, forgetting that he's addressing his Dom.

Hermann seems to have forgotten too. "Why not? That's what it is -"

"Says who?"

"Says them," Hermann says, and gestures to his laptop.

Newt stands up to look at it, sees the title of the forum, and resists the urge to groan. Quickly he skims through the page, nodding at the familiar posts. "I'm guessing you've found all the other hundreds of threads about this? _Is my partner cheating on me, how do I deal with my sexual needs without upsetting my asexual partner, is it okay to demand sex from an asexual..._ "

Hermann nods. "Many of them say the same thing - that if an asexual partner is uncomfortable with the idea of a sexual partner going to somebody else for sex, the sexual partner shouldn't do it." 

"Uh-huh," Newt says, kneels back at Hermann's feet, and waits.

"So I shouldn't have gone. I shouldn't have presumed I should, or could, have gone. I just waltzed in here, informed you that it was time for me to go and have sex with somebody - and your _best_ _friend_ on top of that - and if you had a problem with it then we could sort out another day for me to go. I never once asked if it was acceptable for me to go _at_ _all_ because I presumed that as a sexual person I would have the right to alleviate my sexual needs however and whenever was necessary."

Newt waits again while Hermann winds down a little from his rant. "So what happens now?" he asks. 

"I don't go back to Tendo, for one." 

"Hang on -"

"I won't be going to anybody. We'll have to change the contract, of course -"

"Hermann -"

"And we'll have to talk about how I can make it up to you and, later of course, why you didn't tell me that -"

"Otachi!" Newt blurts out, then closes his eyes in horror.

The first time he's safeworded and it's over a fucking conversation. 

There's a long silence, then Newt hears Hermann move, open the desk, pull out the box that houses the key. Newt turns his head to the side, eyes still closed, and bites his lip as the collar comes off. "Newton," Hermann says, very softly. "Will you look at me?"

Newt does. It just makes him realise where he's sitting, and he quickly gets up off the floor and pulls up a chair. He rubs the back of his neck unconsciously, then sighs at the feel of skin instead of leather. "Twenty four hours without a collar. Fantastic. Well done Newt."

"Don't beat yourself up," Hermann says, still in that same soft voice. "Are you okay? What - what did I do?"

Newt sighs again. "You didn't listen," he says. "You were sitting there getting all furious at yourself about not listening to me or asking my opinion earlier and then you were just making decisions without asking my opinion or listening to me now. And the decisions you're making there, I'm really not cool with, so I had to make you hear me."

"You should never have to use your safeword to make me listen," Hermann says. "I'm so sorry - but I'm even more sorry for what I'm about to say. Do you know why I haven't been listening?"

Newt shakes his head.

"Because you haven't been talking."

That feels like a kick in the guts. "What?" Newt asks quietly. "But I have - I was then -"

Hermann sighs. "You talk when things have already happened," he says. "Or if I directly ask you. But - Newton, back when all this began, back when you asked if I would go to somebody else for sex and I told you not immediately and you just... accepted it. You never said that I shouldn't go at all or - we didn't _talk._ You didn't talk."

"You said it wasn't happening any time soon," Newt murmurs, looking away. "I didn't think we needed to -"

"We did. There were a lot of things we needed to talk about before we started this. And I don't want to pass the blame because we're both in this, we're both responsible but - I'm not asexual. You are. While the onus is on me to understand, it is on you to _explain._ As we've both said, many times, every asexual person is different. My research brings up so many things, and it's no wonder that I say or do things like I did today because I don't know what else to do, and if you don't tell me then I have to make decisions for both of us. I'm still learning -"

"Goddamnit Hermann, so am I!" Newt snaps, startling both of them. But he can't take it back now, nor can he stop. "Do you know how long I spent thinking I was unnatural and wrong? How long I pretended I wasn't asexual or refused to think about it? I can barely say the word even now, and it's only been the last few months that I've even begun thinking about it as part of me and understanding it! I don't know this shit - I only know things like what I don't like and a lot of it still doesn't make sense to me and I'm trying, okay?"

"Newton," Hermann begins. "I didn't -"

But it's Newt's turn to talk over him. "And on top of that, I'm a fucking _sub._ Which means I want to serve and please and make you happy and yeah, maybe sometimes I've done some questionable shit or - or not shared every detail possible but maybe that's because I never dreamt I would get anything half this good and I'm... I'm still waiting for the catch, alright?"

He drops his head and stares down at the couch, his breathing ragged. 

A second later, Hermann is hugging him, hard. He doesn't say anything, just holds on, and Newt holds on too, letting himself calm down again. "I'm sorry," he whispers after a minute. "I shouldn't have - it's no excuse, not really. I just - I'm frightened and frustrated and I don't know how to make this better, I didn't even realise it was _wrong._ I'm sorry -"

"No," Hermann says gently. "I am. I forget, sometimes, that you are... vulnerable. And I am terribly sorry to, once _again,_ have presumed that you were working on information I wasn't. We are both learning. We're in this together."

Newt nods into his shoulder. "I do know some shit though," he says. "I should have told you more. I don't know a lot but, you're right, I do know more than you and - I mean, you didn't ask but I didn't offer and I should have. I'm just not... I don't know." He sighs. "I don't know," he repeats quietly. "Like you said, we're both still learning. Clearly I need to learn how to _talk._ " 

Hermann ghosts his fingertips down Newt's back in soft sweeps. "Have you kept anything from me that would impact upon your wellbeing?" he asks. 

"No." Newt doesn't even have to think about that one for a second.

"Then it's okay. We'll work through it. But here's what we're going to do: we'll admit that we both made mistakes. We both rushed into this relationship, out of what seemed to be necessity and to reassure you that I still wanted you and - and I believe we both shared the fear that we would lose the other if we waited too long."

That's news to Newt. "You thought -" 

Hermann pulls away, clearly a little embarrassed. "Why would you have wanted me?" he asks. "Your grumpy, insensitive, stiff upper lipped lab partner - what would I have to offer?"

"Hermann -"

"I know better now," Hermann says. "As do you. We know that we're both in this for the right reasons. And over the months, our communication and understanding has gotten much better. We know each other better, and we know ourselves better. Now that we do, it's time to revisit this topic. We got it wrong the first time, and then I went off presumptions -"

"Which weren't incorrect," Newt says quietly.

Hermann pauses at that, then nods. "Tell me, then," he says. "Because I see now that there are other ways, and if those are what you need, then we will discuss them."

Newt shakes his head. "You said it earlier - the information said that if the asexual partner is uncomfortable with it then the sexual partner shouldn't do it. Well, I wasn't uncomfortable."

"You weren't happy."

"I'm not happy when you punish me. It's a necessity that leads to a better relationship in the future."

Of course Hermann hears that completely wrong. "You know I would never have sex with Tendo to punish you -"

"Of course I know that. That was a bad analogy. What I'm trying to say is that I accept your need to have sex. You've been very honest with me and told me that - that jerking off isn't always gonna be enough and that's fair enough. That's you, Hermann, and that's your need, just as much as not having sex is mine. You going to Tendo the first time was difficult but I would have been worried if it had been easy. You - you know what my past is like with stuff about sex and of course I was gonna be nervous about it. But it's just like any time we tried something new - like that first time we showered together deliberately. I was nervous as fuck, but I did it because it mattered. It got easier. This will too. It already has.”

Hermann sighs. "Still, if you need me to stop having sex, I will," he says firmly. "It - I don't _need_ it."

"What does it give you, though?"

Hermann is quiet for a moment. "It relieves tension," he says. "But I can do that myself -"

"But sometimes you need more."

"Not _need_ -"

"Hermann," Newt cuts in gently, surprised at how in control he feels, "listen. It's okay. If I needed you to not have sex, I have no doubt you would do so. But that's not what I need. If you get to the point where you feel you would benefit from having sex to relieve the tension, then I want you to do so."

"But wouldn't you be happier if I didn't?"

Newt sighs. "Look, this is another shit analogy but just hear me out okay? Y'know how I really love ballroom dancing? And how you, um..."

"Can't do it," Hermann completes. "Because my leg won't hold up for that long. Yes, I know."

Newt nods, glad there isn't too much bitterness in Hermann's tone at his 'failing' - Hermann's words, never Newt's. "Uh-huh. So I go with Tendo. Once a fortnight we're off together for an hour, doing something that I love, something that fulfils me in its own way, and something that - that you can't give me. Or if you did, it would cause you a lot of pain and make me feel horrible and not enjoy myself at all. I certainly don't have to go, and I wouldn't if it upset you that I went, but I'm always in an awesome mood when I get back and you know we usually have our best scenes afterwards and you said that _you’re_ happy because it makes me happy -"

"Newton," Hermann says carefully, "are you comparing ballroom dancing to sex?"

"Yup." 

"But that's - it's not -"

"Why not? What's the difference between me needing Tendo for ballroom dancing and you needing him for sex?"

"The - the connection, the potential intimacy -"

"Dancing is more intimate than sex ever could be for me," Newt says honestly.

Hermann's eyebrows raise, but he doesn't question that any further. "But you aren't cheating on me when you do that."

"And you aren't cheating on me when you do what you do." Hermann opens his mouth and Newt holds up a finger. "Don't. Don't quote the site and tell me - look. Hermann, those people are all absolutely right. Nothing they say is wrong - for _them._ For their lives, their needs. I respect them and understand where they are coming from and I will defend the right for any asexual person to feel how they feel or need what they need. If their partner went to someone else for sex, it would be cheating and I would recognise it as such in their case. For me, it isn't because I don't see it that way. I see it as you getting something you require, but not as you betraying me to do it. And that's the important bit. Some people feel betrayed by their partners when that happens and that's okay. I'm not one of them, and that's okay too." 

"But you felt that I wasn't _yours_ anymore. If that isn't a feeling of betrayal -"

"Hermann, it was the first time I've ever done anything like that. In my head, I was ready. It happened, you came back, we talked it through and worked through any feelings that came up - but I couldn't predict it. I can tell you that the whole time it was happening and all of afterwards and right up to now, I've _known_ that it's okay. Nothing that I felt sent off any serious alarm bells. I love you and trust you and want to be yours, and I don't love or trust or want you any less than I did two days ago before you had sex with Tendo." 

"And you're sure -" 

Newt sighs. "There's more. All of that stands as it is but... there's more, because of what I am."

Hermann frowns, and Newt nods down at the table, where his collar sits. "Submissive?" Hermann asks.

"You're my Dom," Newt says quietly. "I want you to be satisfied in every way possible. That means I want you to be satisfied sexually and, since I'm not capable of that, I want to know that you are getting what you need and want. Obviously there are limits to that but - but I'm so happy when you're happy and I like knowing that I've helped with that, if not outright caused it and.... Hermann, Hermann, please don't tell me that's fucked up, I just - I need to submit and I get so damn much out of it and I don't want to feel like I'm even more wrong because I let you go off and have sex, I can't -"

"You are not _wrong_ on any level," Hermann says. "You are... Newton, _darling_ , you are perfect. How did I get so lucky to get such a good submissive?"

Newt drops his eyes, blushing. "I'm the lucky one," he says.

"There's one more thing I need to say, though," Hermann continues. "I've already said it, but I'm saying it again. Even if it doesn't apply now, listen. I need you to hear it."

Newt nods. "Okay."

"If you decide that you are unhappy with me going to somebody for sex, I will stop. And if that happens, I will still be just as satisfied with you. I will not feel that you have taken something from me that I require, and I will not be any less happy. Do not, ever, continue with this arrangement if you are hurting from it, just because you think you have to do it to be a good submissive. Do you understand?" 

Newt chuckles. He can't help himself. "Sorry," he says quickly. "I know that was serious but -" he pointedly touches his neck, and smirks. "Collar's off, and you've got your Dom voice on." 

Hermann rolls his eyes. "Newton -"

"I know. And I understand."

"Good. I will keep checking in, every time I go to him, as well as afterwards and perhaps every time we renew our contract too."

"Okay. And I'll... be better. At telling you things, and not presuming that just because you're my Dom and you've done some research that you automatically know everything. I know better than to obey you blindly but I'm still kinda used to seeing you as the one in control of it all and I figure you don't need my input." 

"I always need it," Hermann says, taking his hand. "More than that, I want it. We could get by with the information off the forums and a serious conversations every now and then if it were necessary, but I want to know _you,_ my dear. I find you endlessly fascinating - not just for your asexuality, of course, but everything about you is wonderful and I want to know all of you."

Newt smiles and ducks his head a little. "I feel the same about you."

He looks up to see Hermann smiling too, Newt's favourite smile, and Newt can't resist kissing him. "Do you feel better?" Hermann asks.

Newt considers that. "Yeah," he admits. "I thought everything was fine but now it just feels great. You?"

"Much better. More in control again."

"Good. I - I have to admit, for awhile there when you were talking about how we rushed into things and... I thought you were breaking up with me."

"I thought I might be too," Hermann says quietly. "I feared it, but there were several ways this conversation could have gone, if it turned out that one of us had made a serious error, which would have potentially led to the termination of our contract and relationship. I'm very glad it didn't."

"Me too. And it shows we can handle shit like this. We can work through it."

Hermann nods. "We certainly can. If anything else like this comes up in the future, I have full confidence in us being able to work through it before it becomes an issue.” He kisses Newt again, who has no objections, then picks up the collar from the table. "Tomorrow morning," he says, and puts it and the key away. 

Newt pouts. "Can't you relax it to twelve? Just this once?"

"Rules are rules, my love," Hermann says, and of course he's smirking just a little. 

"Then in that case, you can't punish me for this," Newt says, as he leans over, closes the pages they've been looking at, then slams the lid shut on Hermann's laptop. "Since we're both off duty, so to speak, you can come and cuddle with me for a good few hours. Bring a book; I'm in no hurry."

"Yes, _sir_ ," Hermann says, and follows his orders to the letter.

It's entirely too disconcerting. Tomorrow can't come quick enough.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback, as usual, is always welcome. I'm away for a few days so I won't be able to reply to anything immediately, but I hope I've addressed most of the concerns in the reviews - let me know if I haven't. Just please remember that I'm no expert so neither are they. We're all going to fuck it up every now and then.


	22. you take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You said that you've never seen this chalkboard clean for as long as you've been here. Well, for as long as I've been here, I've never see you and Tendo not joined at the hip. When did the two of you become such close friends?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is something I promised to Jess (aka my Tendo) some time ago. It contains flashback sequences and a fair bit of Tendo. Sorry for the delay, I had an eventful weekend and being back in my childhood house kinda saps my creativity. If this chapter isn’t up to par, that’s why.

"Have you finished that report yet?"

Newt peeks up. "Can I lie and say no?" he asks.

Hermann chuckles. "Newton Geizler, drawing out paperwork. I never thought I'd see the day."

"I'm drawing out _work,_ " Newt says with a sigh. "This is it. The last report. The end of an era."

"Yes, but look at how we're ending the era."

Newt smiles then, and closes the folder on the paperwork (finished a good half hour ago; he's just been 'tweaking' it since). He crosses the room, drops it on top of Hermann's, then wraps his arms around him. "Petty damn well," he says. "But definitely not how we expected to end it when we first began."

"Well, I had perhaps hoped for this when we first began exchanging letters -"

"Really?" Newt asks, intrigued with this new information. "You had a crush on me back then?"

"- but then we met in person and you were intolerable," Hermann completes with a smirk.  

"Love you too, Hermann," Newt says, drawing away to pick up the folders. "I'll just take these up to Tendo then."

Hermann nods. "That should only take you five minutes, so I'll see you in half an hour." 

Newt stands on tiptoes to kiss him. "You know me too well," he says.

"I have to, or else I wouldn't have any control over you at all." Herman kisses him again, then shoos him off. "Off you go."

"Yes, sir," Newt says, and goes.

***

When he returns (only twenty-five minutes later, thank you very much), Newt stops in the doorway and stares.

Hermann hasn't noticed him yet, but Newt's barely noticed Hermann. He's too busy staring over his head, at the dark expanses of blank chalkboard that Hermann is currently erasing. 

"Holy shit," he says softly. "This really is the end." 

Hermann turns, and frowns. "Are you okay?"

Newt, remembering what happened last time he was confronted with change, smiles and nods. "I'm fine. Just... absorbing. I've neverseen that chalkboard without equations."

Hermann glances back up at it. "I suppose you haven't," he says. "I was in this lab well before you lost the rest of your team and invaded my workspace." 

"Uh-huh. But why are you clearing it all down now? We have plenty of time for packing down after Italy."

"We have two weeks after Italy," Hermann corrects. "That will be taken up with housing your remaining specimen at the university, transferring our files and packing up our quarters to move to lecturer housing. I would like to get the lab ready for transfer before we leave."

Newt can reluctantly see his point. "What should I do?" he asks.

A few years ago, Hermann would have berated him for not being able to figure it out himself - now he knows better. "Start working through your files," he instructs. "Everything that you require a hard copy of, put in the box. All the rest should be digitized - if it isn't, send a copy to Tendo. Otherwise, shred it."

Newt glances down to see the box and shredder next to his filing cabinet, and smiles. "Okay," he says, and gets to work.

Work is much better when Hermann's the one ordering him to do it.

There's a companionable silence for awhile, only broken by the sounds of erasing and shredding. But after about ten minutes, Hermann clears his throat. "Newton?" he asks. 

"Yeah?"

"I've been pondering something."

"Okay?" Newt turns around, a few files in hand, and watches him. "What is it?"

"Nothing particularly important," Hermann says as he puts down his eraser. "You said that you've never seen this chalkboard clean for as long as you've been here. Well, for as long as I've been here, I've never see you and Tendo not joined at the hip. When did the two of you become such close friends?"

"Jaeger Academy. We took one look at one another across the room and it was platonic love at first sight." Hermann rolls his eyes and Newt laughs. "Okay, slight exaggeration - but only slight. We had lunch together on the first day and by the end of it had already planned to hang out later that week. It was a pretty instant bond."

Hermann nods. "I suppose you did have a great deal of common ground - at least, common understanding."

Newt raises an eyebrow. "Our orientations? That didn't come out for _ages_. I liked the guy immediately but I wasn't anywhere ready enough to come out. I was still in denial a lot of days too and when I did tell him - which must have been a good two years later, and only because he told me first - I couldn't even say the word."  

"How did it come out, then?"

“Remember Mina?” Newt asks. Hermann promptly rolls his eyes, and Newt smirks. “Of course - you were one of the very few not drooling over her, or wanting to beat Tendo up…”

***

_“So, I hear you’ve had the delectable Mina in your bed_ again _,” Newt says, leaning forward faux-conspiratorially. “Third time this week if the rumour mill isn’t mistaken."_

_Tendo smirks. “I run the rumour mill. Of course it isn’t mistaken.”_

_“You’re getting some evil eyes for that one,” Newt says, smirking in return. “Three-quarters of the guys and probably a good percentage of the girls would like to be in your shoes right about now._

_“What can I say?” Tendo says with a shrug. “They like what they like.”_

_Newt rolls his eyes. “Better tie her down before anybody else gets in, is all I’m saying. Make an honest women out of this one, if only to keep the competition at bay.”_

_Tendo suddenly goes very quiet. It’s not just that he’s stopped speaking, but his enthusiasm and energy, always near the surface, seems to have shut off as if the faucet has run dry. The only time Newt’s ever seen him this serious is when he’s barking orders as a Kaiju emerges through the breach - and even then, he’s still active and alive._  

_Something’s wrong. Newt just has no idea what._

_“Tendo?” Newt asks quietly. “What’s wrong?”_

_After a second, Tendo shakes his head. “Nothing. It’s all good.”_

_Newt’s not a confrontational person by any means - apart from bickering with Hermann - and usually he wouldn’t dare to pry when somebody’s shut him out. But..._

_But it’s Tendo. They’ve connected on a level Newt’s never experienced before, and he can’t let this go. If he’s upset his friend, he needs to know._

_“Tell me,” Newt says. “What did I say wrong?”_

_Tendo looks at him, then sighs. “Guess you should probably know,” he says. “I have no intention of ever ‘making an honest woman’ of Mina, or any other man or woman who enters my bed. It’s not… not who I am. All that - that romance. I don’t -“_

_“Tendo,” Newt cuts in gently. “Are you aromantic?”_  

_Tendo stares. “You know what that is?” he asks, his voice quiet._

_Newt nods. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he says, surprised at his own boldness. “In that case - I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made that comment. I didn’t realise, but that’s no excuse. I’ve made you uncomfortable and I’ve pretty much forced you to come out to me -“_  

_“Was gonna anyway,” Tendo says, sounding a little more put together. “When I got the courage to. It’s not like… I mean, I know you wouldn’t have wanted any kind of romantic thing from me, so it’s not like I needed to tell you desperately or anything but I still felt like I should. ‘Cause we’re friends and friends share that kinda thing.”_

_Newt buries the last remnants of his crush on Tendo, never to be spoken of, and nods. “Well, it’s out now. And like I even have to say it, but I’m looking at you the same way as I always have.”_  

_Tendo smiles with clear relief, and it’s honestly like the sun has come back out. “I didn’t expect you to do anything else,” he says, and he’s probably lying just a bit but Newt isn’t gonna call him out on it. “Anything you want to know? People usually have questions.”_  

_Newt thinks for a bit. “Where are you on the spectrum?” he asks, seeing Tendo’s eyebrow raise at the word. “Are you flat out no romance ever?”_

_Tendo nods. “Basically, friends and platonic relationships are the best, and I love having sex -“_

_“What a shocker,” Newt mutters._  

_Tendo punches his arm. “- but I don’t want it to lead to anything more,” he finishes._

_Newt nods. “Okay. That’s about it. It doesn’t change anything between us, and I’ll mind my words in future.”_

_“How do you know about all this?” Tendo asks suddenly._

_Newt considers that for a moment, then smiles wryly. “When you start researching one of these areas, you end up finding out about all of them,” he says._  

_Tendo’s a smart guy, and it only takes him a second. “Oh,” he says. “You’re… on a spectrum?”_

_Newt smiles at the wording, then tries to quell his nerves. “The exact opposite one to yours, in fact,” he says._

_And of course Tendo knows what that means. “Asexual?”_

_“Yeah.” Even though the word still makes Newt cringe, in the face of Tendo’s admission he has to accept it, at least for today._

_“Immediate question: do I need to shut up about all the sex I’m having?”_

_Newt laughs despite himself. “Like you could,” he teases. “Nah, it’s okay. It’s not like you give details, and as long as you stay away from anything vivid, it’s all good. Anything else?”_  

_“Where are you on your spectrum?”_

_Newt pauses for a second, then sighs and admits it aloud for the first time. “Sex-repulsed.”_  

_Tendo nods. “So very opposite then.”_

_There’s a long moment of silence, then Tendo laughs and Newt follows suit. “Were you expecting way worse too?” he asks._

_“So much worse,” Tendo says with feeling. “Not that I thought you’d…”_

_“I know. But you always think nobody’s gonna understand -“_

_“And I don’t, not properly -“_

_“Neither, but I at least understand what it’s like to be so…”_

_“Alone,” Tendo completes, and they look at one another for a long moment. “Well, not anymore,” he continues, his voice quiet again. “United in solidarity, yeah?”_

_Newt hugs him in answer. They don’t let go for awhile._  

***

“That was it?”

“For then. Of course we talked about it heaps more after that - but for that moment, that was all we needed. To know that the other didn’t judge and that we were okay.”

Hermann nods. “Good. And he helped you come to terms with your identity?”

“Yeah. I backtracked on it every now and again and told him that I was mistaken - he never outright told me I was in denial, just talked me through it all logically and helped me see, once again, that this is who I am.”

“Speaking of who you are; when did you tell him about the submission?”

Newt smiles. “The next day.”

***

_He waits nervously for Tendo in the break room, alternating between talking himself into it and talking himself out of it. It’s not like it matters, he tells himself. He doesn’t have to know -_

_But Newt didn’t ‘have’ to know that Tendo was aromantic. And he took the asexuality so well…_

_“Hey,” Tendo says, and Newt jumps half a foot. “Woah, sorry,” Tendo adds as he sits down. “You alright?”_

_Newt nods - then shrugs. He glances around to make sure nobody else has walked in, then sighs and turns back to Tendo, who by now looks worried. Understandable, since Newt’s summoned him here with a bit of haste, and without actually waiting for the proper break time - he didn’t want others lurking around. “I didn’t tell you everything yesterday,” he says._

_Tendo frowns. “You don’t have to tell me everything,” he says. “You know that, right?”_

_“Yeah. But I haven’t… apart from people who’ve actually been involved, I haven’t been able to tell anybody. And yesterday was real good, so…”_  

_“Okay. Go for it, then.”_  

_Newt can’t, not straight away, so he goes for a bit of a roundabout tactic. “Question for you first, if you wouldn’t mind: ever played with BDSM?”_

_Tendo shakes his head. “Not my thing,” he says, and Newt feels his heart drop a bit. “Nothing against it, of course, but I’m not the type to boss people around, or to be bossed around. Why? Are you thinking about… no, wait, sorry, you’re asexual -“_

_“Don’t exclude the possibility,” Newt says quietly._

_Tendo stops, and Newt can see him working through that. “Asexual BDSM,” he says. “So… no sex stuff, just the… the lifestyle things? The control aspects, orders and punishments and all that?”_

_Newt nods. He can’t really say anything._

_“You’re not just thinking about it though, are you?” Tendo says in realization. “You do this… or you’ve done it in the past.” Newt nods again. “Huh. Okay, question for you now: dominant or submissive?”_

_“Submissive,” Newt murmurs._

_“Asexual submissive,” Tendo says, and Newt tries not to flinch at the words. “Ace sub. Dude, you could be a band with that name.”_

_Just like yesterday, Newt just has to laugh. “You really don’t give a shit, do you?”_

_“Nope,” Tendo says cheerfully. “I mean, you’re a goddamn enigma, Newt, but I like that, being one myself. As long as you haven’t come here asking me to Dom you or anything -“_

_“As if,” Newt says, smirking a little. “I want a romantic Dom, preferably a… nonsexual. You fit none of the criteria.”_

_“Sorry, not sorry,” Tendo says, still grinning. “Anything else you wanna throw at me while we’re here?”_

_“I have a crush on Hermann,” Newt says before he so much as thinks._

_Tendo snickers. “_ Everybody _knows that one, man,” he says, checking his watch and standing back up. “Gotta run - meeting with Pentacost in five. Swing by tonight if you want to watch some movies with a few of the guys from tech.”_  

_Newt watches him go in silence. “What do you_ mean _, everybody knows?” he asks the empty room._  

***

“It was that easy to share it with him?” Hermann asks. “I know you had immense trouble telling me.”

Newt nods. “With you, there was risk of rejection and losing a romantic partner. And there’s just something about Tendo… I knew it would be okay. He’s one of those people who you can tell pretty much anything to and he won’t bat an eyelid. And I needed to tell someone - no, I needed to tell _him_. Once I’d opened up about one thing, and he’d taken it so well…”  

“Understandable. It was clear that the two of you were very close right from the start. I admit, I wondered for a time whether you were in a relationship." 

Newt laughs. He drops the last file in the box and walks over to Hermann’s side, sitting on the edge of his desk and watching him erase the final board. “I’ll admit that I wondered whether we might for a while,” he says. “But once I knew my crush had to die, it was easy to see that we’re platonic soulmates instead.”

Hermann shoots him an amused look at that. “Platonic soulmates - yes, it suits you two nicely. What does that make us, then?”

“Well, considering we’re Drift partners, romantic partners, _and_ D/s partners… does romantic soulmates suit us?”

Hermann erases the last line of calculations, puts his duster down, then turns. His smile is soft. “Very nicely,” he says. “As long as you know that I don’t believe in any of that nonsense of one person holding the other half of your heart, or being made for one person alone. Apart from the sheer fallacy of those statements, it is needlessly… _romantic_.”

Newt bites his tongue - he knows damn well that Hermann is the biggest romantic at heart. “Certainly not,” he agrees. “After all, you’re my Dom. You own the lot, don’t you?”

Hermann laughs. Newt, grinning, jumps off the desk and steps into his arms. “I own as much of you as you care to give me, my dear,” Hermann says. 

“The lot, then. Except the sex.”

“Which I don’t want.”

Newt steps back and pouts. “Don’t you want me for my body, Hermann?”

“Incorrigible,” Hermann mutters, and Newt smirks. “Are you done with your files?”

“Sure am. And I’ve marked all the specimen I need to take to my new lab - it’s most of them, in case you were surprised.”

“I’m not. I’m just relieved that I no longer have to share a lab with your _experiments._ ”

“And _I’m_ not gonna choke to death every time you erase something off your chalkboard.”

“Finally, colleagues of my own standing and intelligence -" 

“Dull as dirt, you mean.”

“Better than a daily biohazard.”

“Read: _fun_.”

They look at one another for a few moments, then both laugh. ”Enough of this," Hermann says, and holds out his hand. "Let's go pack. Italy awaits."

Off they go. Newt doesn't even consider that this is his last day as a K-Science Officer. He has better things to focus on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the end, not even close. Italy is next, then back to pack up before moving in and getting settled in their new lives. I couldn't stop this chapter feeling end-y though.
> 
> I got a review awhile back on the concept of Newt not giving his whole self to Hermann because he’s not giving him sex, and since that kind of thing is coming up again here, I want to address it. In an ideal world, no asexual person would ever feel like that - but in a world where we’re told that we’re the ones who need to make the compromise and give our partners sex, where we’re asked what’s wrong with us to make us not want sex… well, it’s understandable that those feelings are there. We live in a world where not wanting sex is seen as a deficit, as a thing that isn’t right, as something that’s missing. I hate that I feel this way, that any future partner will never get all of me because I can’t give them sex, but that is how I’ve ended up feeling due to the world around me. And if I feel it, so does Newt.


	23. stronger than I've ever been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world, so turbulent in so many ways, is settling beneath his feet, and Newt, to his tremendous surprise, is finding his place in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been awhile. This is the last chapter I’ll be posting before I graduate next week (I won’t have wifi for a week) so I really wanted to make it something personal to me - as this whole fic has been. I’ve been having all the ‘end of an era, onto something better’ and ‘look at how I’ve grown in the last three years’ feelings, and it’s only right that I pass the positivity on to Newt as well.

It’s the middle of the night and Newt is wide awake, staring down at a world thirty-thousand feet below.

Around him, everybody sleeps. The flight began at 9pm and it’s 3am now. They’re halfway there, according to the map in the screen in front of Newt, and in a couple of hours they’ll be hitting the sunrise. Newt knows he should be sleeping now, knows his sleep schedule is gonna be fucked up enough when he arrives in Italy without missing a whole night’s sleep too - but he can’t. He’s tried, he’s failed, and now he simply doesn’t want to.

There’s something about being in a room full of sleeping people and being the only one awake. On a plane, it’s even better - the isolation, the sense of being so far from everybody else below them, and even further from those who are dreaming in another world altogether. Newt looks around, looks at the people huddled under blankets, heads resting together or curled up against armrests. 

Then he looks next to him.

It’s not the first time he’s seen Hermann asleep, far from it, but the same magic of the moment works itself on him, and Newt looks at him as if he’s seeing him for the first time. Hermann, who looks no less tense and put together and _controlled_ in sleep, with a plane blanket tucked around him, leaning against Newt. They’ve put the armrest up so they can be closer, and Hermann’s taken advantage of that to have his body twisted slightly to keep pressure off his hip. Newt knows it’ll be aching when they land, just like Hermann knows Newt will be tired and grumpy. They’ll help each other through.

For now, Newt watches him rest. 

Then he turns back and looks out the window once more. All he sees is darkness, with the occasional light flickering through. Newt has no idea where they are, unsure whether the lights are boats or isolated houses. He doesn’t care.

Newt is never a nervous flyer. He enjoys the feeling of being propelled into the air, _loves_ turbulence, and can easily stand a long-haul flight as long as he’s not in bad company. But he’s never a _peaceful_ flyer - and that’s simply because every time Newt has been on a flight, he’s been off to a new stage of life. 

Flying symbolizes change. And Newt’s never done great with change.

But this time, even though he’s off to a new destination, this flight is less about becoming someone new and more about seeing who he’s become to reach this point. To be here, on a flight to Italy, next to Hermann Gottlieb, his partner and nonsexual Dom, and knowing that the war is over and there’s a job for him when he returns home.  

And there’s a new realization for him - Hong Kong is home now. 

Newt’s had a few of these realizations lately. They’ve all been quiet, simple things; information falling neatly into place as if it should have been obvious all along. The world, so turbulent in so many ways, is settling beneath his feet, and Newt, to his tremendous surprise, is finding his place in it. 

Back all those years ago - when the Kaiju attacks had been getting closer and it was clear that they would have to either win or lose - on the days Newt had actually envisioned them surviving the war, the thoughts stopped there. He simply couldn't comprehend what he would do with himself after the war. After his usefulness had run out and nobody wanted him for anything and he was still lost and sad and broken. He'd known he could have found work easily, but the Kaiju became his life and once that was over, he wouldn't have anything else to fill that empty place in his life. 

He’d spent most of his time not thinking about it, throwing himself into the work he had and - looking down at his arms, he muses - perhaps being a bit too grateful to the Kaiju for the sense of belonging they gave him in the world. And then it had all ended but with that end had come a new change in the (literal) opening of the mind of Hermann Gottlieb. He’d still had a purpose, cleaning up after the war, and was still important, but now he felt like he mattered more because he mattered _to_ someone. To Hermann.  

And then Hermann had changed his life completely. 

And now he’s here. He’s here and Hermann’s here and Newt can be open about who he is and finally, _finally_ , he’s able to feel at peace. Newt had spent so many years looking for the person to make him feel complete, and it turned out he's been right there the whole time.  

But it wasn’t Hermann.

It was Newt himself.

Newt hasn't just spent the last six months learning how to love Hermann; he's spent the last six months learning how to love himself too. It hasn’t been Hermann’s love that pieced him back together, it’s been the realization that he _can_ be loved - more than that, _should_ be, _deserves_ to be. And by nobody more than himself. After so many years thinking he could only be considered good enough if he had a partner to prove it (even with a friend as amazing as Tendo, Newt had still fallen into that fallacy of belief), Newt is finally seeing how important he is on his own terms and not based on his value in others eyes. 

It's been a long haul, of course - beginning with taking everything he's actively hated and hidden from, and realizing that this is it, this is his lot in life. Waiting for things to 'get better' hasn't done him any damn good the last twenty years so why the hell would that all change now?

That was acceptance. A task that Tendo began, all those years ago when Newt managed to accept himself for long enough to come out, and one that Hermann helped complete. 

Then came understanding; piecing himself together in his identity. Realizing why certain things happened and why others didn't and knowing that there's a word for it and that it's okay. It's all okay. 

Now he's engaging with it. He's running his life on his terms - his asexual and submissive terms. He's living how he wants to live and taking the battles as they come and not fleeing every time it feels too hard. He's trusting himself to stay strong, and trusting Hermann to hold him up when it gets difficult to stand alone - because it's okay to rely on someone else sometimes, as long as Newt is the one picking himself back up in the end. He still has bad days, but so does everybody. 

His life has changed so much for the better in the past six months, and he has Hermann to thank for the majority of it (and Tendo for a good chunk as well) - but his better life is not tied up in Hermann. Hermann might have been the one to show him how to live and love and be happy, but Newt is the one doing it. And if Hermann leaves, Newt will keep doing it. He doesn't need Hermann to be strong, because his strength is in himself. 

(Not that he wants Hermann to leave, god no. Newt chooses life on his own terms and he chooses Hermann Gottlieb thank you very much)

His world will continue to change. He’ll come up against more barriers (probably even some this trip) and struggle through situations and get things wrong and be punished and use his safeword, and none of that matters in the long run. What matters is that Newt knows himself, and knows that he’s okay.

He’s better than okay. And he’s getting better every day. 

Hermann touches his hand and Newt starts, turning to look at him. “Stop thinking and go to sleep,” Hermann murmurs, barely awake himself.  

Newt smiles. “Yes, sir,” he says, and his smile grows when Hermann makes a small unamused sound, curls in tighter against him, and goes back to sleep. Gently, Newt rests his head atop Hermann’s and closes his eyes. 

He’ll wake up in Italy, tired and grumpy and so damn content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far I only have one chapter planned for Italy, and it's less about them actually being in Italy and more dealing with an issue that arises. So if there are any requests/prompts for things you'd like to see happening while they're actually there, I'd love to hear them. 
> 
> I don't know when the next chapter will be. Hopefully not too far away.


	24. I can't keep my eyes off of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are twenty two flavours of gelato available. Newt has tried fourteen of them so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I seem to be doing is apologizing for delays on this fic. If you follow me on Tumblr you’ll know that, on top of the chaos of graduation and moving home and looking for jobs, my grandfather suddenly died the night before my graduation, so things have been a bit rough lately. Writing this seriously adorable Italy prompt from littlegreenfish helped me feel better. 
> 
> Prompt: I doubt that Newt would be able to only sample one kind of gelato. He’d stand there and get a sample of every single flavour at the shop before deciding.

There are twenty two flavours of gelato available. Newt has tried fourteen of them so far.  

Hermann, leaning against a wall idly eating his gelato (amarena, and delectably sour), watches with a small smile. Newt keeps shooting him apologetic glances and worried looks - but that doesn't stop him from pointing to the next flavour along and requesting a sample. 

Hermann keeps smiling. 

He knew damn well that this was going to happen. 

This is their first proper day in Italy. They arrived yesterday morning, but the day had been lost to jet lag and the resulting needs that had come with it - a massage for Hermann's leg, a scene for Newt to help him calm and adjust. And then plenty of sleep, of course. 

Today they're taking it easy and taking in the simple sights within walking distance of the hotel. Newt's made plans for all the tourist destinations he wants to visit, and Hermann's compiled a schedule, but that's all for another day. Today is for taking in the atmosphere and, according to Newt, gelato. He’s been near hyperactive about it the whole way down the road. 

Though at this rate Newt isn't going to get his gelato at all.  

It seems like a role reversal at first look - Hermann choosing his flavour immediately and without trying anything; Newt taking his time and going slowly through all the options to pick the best one. But it’s rather true to character in the end. Hermann knows what he wants, and also knows that a bad gelato choice wouldn’t be the end of the world. Newt gets overwhelmed by options and doesn’t want to choose the wrong thing and suffer repercussions.

Hermann rolls his eyes at himself. Of course he’s analyzing their behaviours over _gelato._

Newt shoots him another look. Hermann smiles, then gestures to the sample being held out to him. Newt turns back, but he still looks a little uneasy. Knowing Newt, he's expecting some kind of punishment for taking too long or being a nuisance - or he’s waiting for Hermann to step in and tell him what to choose. 

Perhaps Hermann 'should' punish him. Or perhaps it 'should' be Hermann's job to step in here and make a decision on Newt's behalf. Heaven knows he's had to do it before when Newt's been indecisive, and it's never caused undue tension or made him feel like he's crossing the line. 

But -

This doesn't matter. 

Every other time Hermann has stepped in, it's been to help Newt with a struggle, or to show him what he should do that's best for him. And that's his job, the job that Newt has given him and Hermann has freely accepted. Sometimes Newt needs someone to take control when he's confused or unsure.  

But he's still autonomous. He still thinks and feels for himself. He's still his own person and Hermann is damned if he's ever going to stop Newt from making decisions over something like _gelato_. 

Hermann is also damned if he’s ever going to _punish_ Newt over something like gelato. That would just be unnecessarily cruel. 

Hermann loves watching Newt do things for himself. Because his submissive is far from helpless, and it always brings home that he's here because Newt wants him, not because he can't cope without him. Newt might talk about the things he needs from Hermann, but Hermann knows Newt could cope without them. He has before and, heaven forbid, he will in the future if anything happens to the two of them.

Not that Hermann’s planning on letting it. 

As Newt requests to try the nineteenth flavour, Hermann's eyes are drawn to his neck. His bare neck - and there's a small pang of regret. 

In the lab - and in their upcoming work in the university - Newt always attires himself in a collared shirt and tie. But in Italy, in summer, it's just not practical.  

They'd had a long talk about the collar before arriving. Newt had been adamant that he would wear it and not give a damn about what others thought - "Plus, anybody who knows what it is probably has a bit of a foot in the door into this kind of stuff anyway, right?" - and Hermann had completely agreed. But they both knew they couldn't get away with that. The war was too recent, media attention still too strong, and any single scent of their 'unusual' relationship coming in to the public eye would draw complications for both of them. 

So they'd known it wasn't going to happen. Instead, they've compromised. Inside the privacy of the hotel, Newt wears his collar as normal. Outside, he wears his cuffs - unattached of course, but as Newt's symbol of being owned. It's the deep grey pair today, the fourth set Hermann's bought him. He still can't resist spoiling Newt every chance he gets. 

Hermann wouldn't have been bothered if Newt wasn't wearing any mark of ownership - he knows damn well that Newt is his. But of course he always gets a tiny thrill out of seeing the adornments Newt wears with so much pride, signifying that this wonderful boy is his. And he misses the collar when it's gone too; though certainly nowhere near as much as Newt does. Newt _adores_ being collared, and that’s why Hermann loves it too. 

He finally breaks out of his musings to see Newt accept his purchase, the relieved store holder wishing him a good day. Hermann nods to the man, then puts his empty container in the bin and holds out his arm to Newt. Hermann's smile grows when he sees the flavour Newt chose - stracciatella, the third one he tried. 

How beautifully typical. 

Newt has his head lowered slightly as he joins Hermann and they start walking. "Sorry," he mumbles. "You know I'm indecisive -"

Hermann tugs at his hand, turns them both into an alleyway, and pushes Newt up against the wall where he kisses him, soft and sweet and chocolate mixing with cherry. "Don't ever change," he says, Newt blinking up at him in surprise. "I love you exactly as you are." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and (hopefully) sweet. Most of the Hermann chapters end up that way because I'm not Hermann and it's hard for me to get into the Dom mindset to write. More Italy next chapter, but not quite so sweet. See you then.


	25. keep your feet on the ground when your head's in the clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s never seen Newt drunk before - though Tendo has told him some interesting stories - but he’s pretty sure by now he knows how to control his partner. Right now Newt is simply rather relaxed, a little giggly, and extremely cuddly. 
> 
> Hermann definitely doesn’t mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I’ve done switching POV within a chapter in this fic. I’m usually not the biggest fan of it but I really needed to show both sides in this one so I hope it’s okay.

** Hermann **

Italy is beautiful - but if he’s honest, Hermann doesn’t care. 

He enjoys the sightseeing, of course, enjoys seeing one of the few places that still has what can be considered ancient artefacts. Italy was spared from the Kaiju attacks and people now mainly visit it for authentic beauty and peace. He likes the calm of it, the culture, and the fact that this is his first holiday in many years. Being out of the Shatterdome means he’d love anywhere. 

But that’s not why Hermann visits Italy. Hermann visits it because Newt wants to go. And Hermann loves Italy because Newt loves it and when Newt loves things he just soaks them up and they become a part of him - and then Hermann has to love them too. 

So perhaps it’s good that it happens here in Italy - where love is simple and in the air, where everything is calm and mistakes are easy to fix.

Not that it’s a mistake. Though it does start with an error in judgement.

They’d picked up a fair few bottles of Italian wine earlier in the day, on their third last day, to take back with them. Newt knows everybody’s taste and, with Mako, Raleigh and Herc all due for visits back, gets to go wild and buy out half the store. He also buys plenty for himself and Hermann. Hermann doesn’t object.

When Newt gets back to the hotel and starts rummaging about for a corkscrew, Hermann watches with a raised eyebrow. “So, those bottles for us weren’t for us to take home, then?” he asks.

Newt grins. “We’ll take some of them. If we need more, we can always buy it. But I thought we could share a bottle tonight.” He finds the corkscrew, then looks at Hermann and bows his head slightly. “If that suits you, of course.”

Newt’s been caught up in the atmosphere of Italy - the calm and peace and carefreeness - but he hasn’t once forgotten his place. Hermann loves him having a spark, but he also loves every time Newt defers a decision to him, just like this. And Newt knows the answer perfectly well, knows that Hermann wouldn’t deny this of him - which he doesn’t. “Just one bottle?” he asks. 

Newt shrugs a little. “What would you prefer?”

“I’ll be satisfied with a few glasses,” Hermann says, then considers Newt. He knows his partner well enough now to know what he’s thinking, and smiles. “Your level of sobriety is your choice, unless you reach a point where I deem you have had too much.”

“Yes, Hermann,” Newt says with a grin, and pops the cork.  

_***_

One and a half bottles of wine and one room service dinner later, and Hermann’s done for the night.

Hermann isn’t much of a drinker, especially as his tolerance is quite low. At the stage where most people would be just beginning to feel it and heading towards drunk, Hermann’s putting down his glass and switching to water. He’s only been properly drunk a few times in his life and, while not entirely unpleasant experiences, it’s not something that’s all that fun for him. Control is Hermann’s game, what he thrives and lives off, and being drunk takes away that control that he needs to keep.

That control is particularly important when he has someone to take care of. Especially as Newt - who’s nearly drunk a whole bottle by himself - shows no signs of stopping. 

Hermann doesn’t mind. He’s never seen Newt drunk before - though Tendo has told him some interesting stories - but he’s pretty sure by now he knows how to control his partner. Right now Newt is simply rather relaxed, a little giggly, and extremely cuddly. 

Hermann definitely doesn’t mind. 

He knows Newt’s tolerance isn’t that high either, especially after years of near-sobriety in war conditions. There won’t be a third bottle opened tonight. 

Hermann visits the bathroom, and when he returns Newt has nearly finished another glass. He tosses the rest back when Hermann arrives, then curls into his side when Hermann sits down again. “You’re my favourite,” he murmurs into Hermann’s ear.

Hermann smiles. “I’m rather partial to you myself,” he says. 

Newt sits back up, grinning. He’s a little unfocused but certainly not out of control. “You’re cute,” Newt says.

Hermann rolls his eyes. “Hardly.”

“No, you _are_ ,” Newt argues, his eyes wide with earnest. “Honest, you’re so damn adorable I can hardly stand it sometimes. But you’re also so damn hot. Real hot. I don’t think I’ve ever told you that but I should.”

Newt hasn’t told him that, and something about it doesn’t sit right with Hermann. But he shrugs it off as never having been told it before, and just smiles. “Yes, darling,” he says. “Have you had enough?”

“Mm. Only thing I want on my lips now is you.”

Hermann obliges - but rather than the soft and sweet kisses he’s come to expect from Newt, he’s immediately met with something much more… dare he say, _aggressive_. Newt’s kissing him hard and fast and desperate and it’s so unlike him that Hermann almost pushes him away. 

Almost.

He goes with it, though, simply reasoning to himself that alcohol lowers inhibitions and perhaps this is something Newt’s just wanted to try. And, to be completely honest, Hermann goes with it because he’s enjoying it - because he hasn’t been kissed like this in a long time and he wants it. He’d never ask it of Newt if he weren’t prepared to give it, but he won’t turn it down now. 

Well, that’s what Hermann thinks anyway. But that’s before Newt drapes as much of his body over Hermann’s as he can (still avoiding his bad leg even while drunk) and stops kissing him long enough to drag his lips to Hermann’s ear and murmur, “I want you bad, Herms.”

And that’s when the alarm bells start ringing loud and clear.

Hermann puts his hands on Newt’s shoulders and gently pushes him back to look him in the eye. “What do you want, Newton?” he asks.

“You,” Newt says, his stare intense. “I want to have sex with you. Haven’t been able to yet but I want you and I want you now.”

Hermann stares right into those eyes - eyes that are absolutely not lying, Hermann’s certain of it - and takes a long moment to consider the situation. His head is slightly fuzzy, his partner is beautiful and practically sitting in his lap and requesting sex, and Hermann’s more than a little turned on from the kissing that now promises so much more. 

It only takes a moment more to make up his mind.

“No,” Hermann says gently.

Newt blinks. “You… you don’t want me?” he asks and oh dear, those eyes have turned beseeching and _hurt_.

Hermann stands firm. “I want what you give me,” he says. “And what you give me is not sex.”

“But I want to give you sex.”

“You think you do. But you’re drunk, my love. You aren’t capable of making that decision.”

“I’m fine.”

Hermann shakes his head. “If you were sober and you expressed this wish, we would still have to have a long talk about it before anything would happen. When you’re drunk, we aren’t even having that discussion. Consent needs a clear mind.”

Newt pouts. “But I’m not even that drunk. Why don’t I get a say?”

Hermann sighs, then rests his hand on Newt’s chest and slides a finger under his collar, lightly tugging at it. “You do get a say,” he says softly. “But I get the final say. And I say no.”

Newt closes his eyes. “Can we go to bed?” he asks, and he sounds a little more focused. Hermann knows it’s the collar that’s done it. “Not for… I know you said no and you had your Dom face on so I can’t argue, but can we just go sleep?”

“Of course, darling,” Hermann says, making a mental note to find out what his Dom face looks like. “We can talk about this more in the morning.”

“I’d rather not,” Newt mutters as he stands up.

Smiling sadly, Hermann follows and takes his hand. “I know. But we’ll have to. Come on - let’s go to bed.”

He spends the appropriate amount of time fussing over Newt, getting him to drink water and brush his teeth, then they both get ready for bed. Newt’s in bed first and, when Hermann joins him, immediately curls into him, rests his head on Hermann’s chest, and goes to sleep almost instantly. 

Hermann, arms around him, stares up at the ceiling for a long time and tries to deal with what’s happened.

He nearly lost his control tonight. The decision might have been obvious, but it wasn’t an easy one to make, and Hermann knows he never would have forgiven himself if he’d allowed Newt to proceed. And there’s no way Newt would have _actually_ proceeded; once things had gotten sexual, Hermann is almost positive Newt would’ve backed out. But the temptation was there.

And now his mind is plagued with thoughts he doesn’t want - the way Newt looked at him, the feeling of those intoxicating kisses, and the images of what could have been, how things could have gone…

It takes a while to get to sleep.

***

** Newt **

He’s had worse hangovers, but it’s still a pretty powerful headache that Newt wakes up to. He groans, rolls onto his back and throws an arm over his eyes to block out all sources of light. “I’m never drinking again,” he mutters.

“How many times have you said that in your life?” Hermann asks.

Newt cautiously moves his arm and peeks out to see Hermann sitting next to him, back against the headboard. He’s still sleep rumpled and adorable and pretty damn hot - and something about that word feels weird. Newt isn’t sure what it is, and shoves it aside for now. He’s got more important things to think about. “Enough to know better,” he says. “But at least we’ve crossed that milestone off - the first time I’ve been drunk around you. Hopefully I didn’t make too big an idiot of myself.”

Something flickers in Hermann’s expression for a moment, but it’s gone a second later. “Of course not,” he says. “I’ve seen far worse. The party on the night of the closing of the breach, for example.”

“That was epic,” Newt agrees. “Being sober for that was the best, just watching everybody else get shitfaced.” He yawns and rubs his eyes, deeming the light dim enough to open them again. “Did you drink much? You don’t look hungover.”

“I’m not particularly,” Hermann agrees. “Just slightly tired and, of all things, feeling the need for bacon.”

Newt grins. “Oh my god, yes. Bacon, sausages, eggs, hash browns… room service?”

He puts on his best puppy dog eyes and Hermann rolls his in return. “Why don’t you go and have a shower and I’ll see what I can have on the table by the time you’re out.”

“You’re the best,” Newt says, and rolls out of bed to find some clothes as Hermann picks up the phone. 

He has a long and fairly luxurious shower, his mind slowly clearing and feeding him facts from the night before. It's not so much that he’s forgotten, just that his brain is taking awhile to wake up. He remembers a couple of things now - how earnest he had been about telling Hermann that he’s hot (Newt clearly needs to bring that up more often), and, quite vividly but with no context, Hermann tugging at his collar, his expression serious. The last one is a bit odd. Newt hops out of the shower, dries off and dresses, and heads through, intending to ask.

He gets sidetracked by breakfast. It’s greasy and wonderful, and they talk very little as they eat. It’s only when they’re done, dishes stacked neatly by the door and sitting together on the couch, that Newt brings it up. 

It only takes a second for that serious expression to return. Hermann looks at him for a moment, then sighs and nods to himself, as if answering an unasked question. “I was trying to centre you,” he says. “You… needed reminding that you weren’t the one in control.”

Newt winces. “What did I do?” he asks warily.

“You requested sex.”

For a second, Newt’s sure he’s heard that wrong. He blinks at Hermann, frowns, then casts his mind back, trying to remember and work his way through the haze around the night and…

Oh.

There it is.

A few moments later, Newt quietly slides off the couch, tucks his knees up to his chest, wraps his arms around them and closes his eyes.

“Oh, I’m such a fuckup,” he whispers. 

“You are nothing of the sort,” Hermann says, stern but gentle. 

“You said I didn’t make an idiot of myself.”

“You didn’t.”

“I climbed all over you, made out with you, begged you for sex, had to be physically reminded that you’re the one in charge of me, and I didn’t make an idiot of myself?”

“No.”

“Then I think we have different definitions of the word idiot.”

Hermann sighs. “I was going to leave it until you were feeling better to discuss this, but I can’t let you go on feeling this awful about yourself when you have no reason to. You did nothing wrong, Newton.”

Newt laughs bitterly. “Am I not the one who controls the line, Hermann?” he asks. “I decide what level of sexual contact is acceptable and I asked you for sex and now -“

“Oh, lord,” Hermann says quietly, and Newt snaps his mouth shut, peeking up at him. “You think I would consider _that_ as your way of telling me you want more sexual contact? Darling, I know better than that.”

“But I still did it. You still could’ve -“

“In that case,” Hermann says, “if that’s how you meant it, then yes, and thank you.”

Newt frowns. “Huh?”

“I would now like to take you up on your offer of last night.”

Newt feels his blood run cold. He stares up at Hermann, bites his lip, then opens his mouth to safeword -

“Stop,” Hermann says gently. “You can use it if you wish, but I retract that statement. I never meant it. I don’t wish to have sex with you - and clearly you don’t wish to have it with me, either. Which means that the hard limit is still firmly in place.”

Newt closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Goddamn,” he says. “What a way to make a point.”

“I’m sorry,” Hermann says, and he sounds truly contrite. “But the point had to be made.”

“I know.” Newt looks up again, once more biting his lip. “Can I have a hug?” he asks, his voice almost inaudible.

Everything in Hermann’s expression softens. “Darling, when have you ever had to ask?” he says, and holds out his arms. Newt clambers off the ground and finds his place in them. “Let’s get this sorted out properly, okay?” Hermann asks. “None of the limits have changed, your boundaries are exactly where you wish them to be, and no genuine and consensual offers for sex have been made - nothing that I would be allowed or willing to accept.”

Newt pulls away a little with a frown. “It’s not like it wasn’t consensual, though,” he says. “You didn’t force me to offer.”

“You might not remember, but last night I told you that consent requires a clear mind,” Hermann tells him. “Saying that you want something whilst drunk does not mean you want it sober.”

“But… okay, no, hang on. The whole _I was drunk and I didn’t mean it_ thing is… it’s a shitty excuse. It’s the kind of thing people hide behind when they fuck shit up when they’re drunk and they should be held accountable. Being drunk doesn’t make you a different person.” Newt frowns harder. “Does that… does it mean I _want_ sex?”

Hermann shakes his head. “Do you want sex now?”

“No. No way.”

“There’s your answer. When you’re drunk, you do and say things that your sober mind has considered but ultimately decided against. Your sober mind knows that sex with me is not something you want, but you’re still curious about it, correct? You still wonder what it would be like?” Newt nods. “So, for the drunk mind, it seems so simple - it’s something you haven’t done, you’re not sure how it would end up, you know you’d enjoy it if you did end up liking it… so you do it. Or you attempt to.”

Newt considers that for a bit. “Okay,” he says. “I can buy that. I’m just so fucking relieved this didn’t happen in a club or - or somewhere where someone wouldn’t have known.”

“You’re safe here,” Hermann says softly. “And I believe that knowledge of your safety may have aided your freedom to make that request. Even at your most intoxicated I don’t see you walking up to an unknown person in a club and asking for sex.”

Newt shudders a little. “God no. And thank god I at least still recognised you as my Dom last night.”

Hermann smiles. “I’m rather relieved about that too.”

Newt’s considering something else now, though. “Will you answer something for me? Honestly?”

“If I can.”

Newt takes a deep breath. “Did you want to?” he asks. “When I offered. I know you wouldn’t have but did you - were you tempted?”

Hermann takes his own deep breath. “Yes,” he says. “I was. I had been drinking as well and my judgement was not as clear as usual and I - I allowed myself to entertain thoughts I shouldn’t have.”

“I’m so sorry,” Newt says quietly. 

“Don’t. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I have to disagree. I shouldn’t have gotten so drunk.”

“No matter how drunk you were, if anything had happened it would have been completely my fault. I know you, love, and I know that you wouldn’t have offered if you were sober.” Newt goes to argue and Hermann presses a finger to his lips. “No,” he says. “Newton, I am your Dom. I care for you when you cannot - or choose not to - care for yourself. Since I knew you were intending to get drunk, it was my responsibility to stay sober and keep you safe. And I did.”  

“But what if we wanted to get drunk together?”

“That was very unlikely to have happened.”

“But what if it happens in the future?”

“That is equally as unlikely.” Newt frowns, and Hermann sighs. “I don’t like to lose control,” he explains. “But more to the point, I do not wish for you to see me without my control intact. Even if I were not in a position of being your Dom, I would be… uncomfortable.”

Hermann looks uncomfortable now. Newt draws closer and, on impulse, kisses his forehead. “Okay,” he says simply, while Hermann blinks in surprise. “And I’m not gonna get that drunk again.”

“If you enjoy it -“

“Not really. Not to that level. I liked it when I was getting drunk, not so much when I was there. And I’d rather spend my time with you doing much better things than clearing up drunken mishaps.”

Hermann smiles. “Do you feel better about this now?”

“Yeah. I guess. I’m still sorry I landed you in that position - must’ve been a bit of a shock.”

“Quite,” Hermann says dryly. “Though it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been drunkenly propositioned.” Newt laughs and Hermann smirks a little. “One more thing, though.”

“Yeah?”

“The way you were kissing me. Rather… more forceful. Was that -?”

Newt ducks his head a little, knows he’s blushing. “That was all me,” he says. “As in, yeah, I wanted to do that. Still do.”

“Something indicates that there’s a reason you haven’t done so before,” Hermann remarks.

Newt nods. “Worried about the line. That it would blur it, or that we’d have to have a massive talk about things when really all it means is that sometimes I want to kiss you a bit more passionately but I still don’t want things to go any further than that.”

Hermann sighs quietly. “And that’s all you had to tell me, Newton. There would have needed to have been some discussion, but it certainly doesn’t require a contract rewrite or anything of that sort. All I need to know is that we both know where your boundaries are and that you’re happy with them. If you aren’t, talk to me about it - and that goes for both reducing and increasing them.”

“Sorry,” Newt murmurs. “I should know better.”

Hermann gently cups his cheek. “Apology accepted. We’ll work on it. If we need to make time on a scheduled basis to sit down and talk about boundaries, we can do so. For now, you’re happy?”

“Yeah. I’m always happy with you, Herms.”

Hermann smiles. “And I you. Any other issues that come up from this, we’ll address as they happen. Otherwise, forget it. We’re on holiday.”

Newt grins. “Can we get more gelato today?”

Hermann rolls his eyes. “Will you take another ten minutes to decide?”

“Probably. It’ll give you another ten minutes to stare at me and think I’m not noticing.”

Hermann chuckles. “Well then, when you put it so nicely, I couldn’t possibly say no.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like so many things in this verse, this is semi-autobiographical. When I drink wine, I apparently want people to take their clothes off. I don’t understand it, just like I don’t understand many things about my sexuality, but that’s why I write. 
> 
> Last chance for Italy - if you want them to do something in particular on holiday, shoot it on into a review or my Tumblr inbox (commanderchoi), because if there’s nothing else then after this chapter I’m sending them home. There’s somebody waiting for them there who needs a bit of love.


	26. 'cause I've seen love die way too many times when it deserved to be alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Because when my best friend gets so caught up in his head that he believes I don’t want him around, it needs to be fixed as soon as possible. The threat of losing you is a hell of an emergency.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Tendo-centric. This chapter is important. And this chapter is for my dear Jess, who apparently cried when I sent her draft snippets, but for all the right reasons. Because if there's anything as important to me as good healthy asexual representation, it's good healthy aromantic representation.

They arrive back at the ‘dome late at night, exhausted and ready for bed. They see nobody in the halls and neither one is awake enough to notice how unusual that is. Even on the dwindling skeleton crew they had left behind, there was usually somebody around at this time of night. Tonight, there’s just dim emergency lighting and silence to greet them. 

In the morning, when Newt goes to make breakfast, he realizes just how empty the place is. 

Over the course of the day, it becomes even emptier. They run into only three other people that day, and all are leaving - two are on their way out, bags packed and off to Singapore for work, with the other leaving for Peru later that night. There are apparently still a few others floating around, but they’ll all be gone by the end of the week, leaving only Hermann, Newt and Tendo to stick it out another week until the very end.  

It’s only then that Newt realizes he hasn’t seen Tendo all day. 

He puts in an hour of the beginning of packing up their rooms with Hermann (half-hearted on both of their parts, still firmly in holiday mode), before quietly requesting a favour. Hermann just smiles knowingly. “Go on, then,” he says. “Go track him down.”

Newt goes. He heads upstairs first, to find Tendo’s station dark and empty. He checks out the maintenance floor, and a few of Tendo’s other hangouts, before shrugging and heading to his room. The three are moving out on the same day, so perhaps Tendo’s doing some packing as well.

Tendo’s in his room, but he isn’t packing. When he answers the door, his room is still full of his things - but Newt isn’t exactly paying attention to that. He’s looking at the thinness of Tendo’s smile, the faint stirrings of what might be trepidation in his eyes, and wondering what the hell is going on.

It disappears in a second though, and Newt hugs him and Tendo seems fine again. He’s leading Newt into the room and asking about Italy and Newt’s off before he knows it, talking about all the amazing things they saw and did (and leaving out certain drunken escapades for the time being). Tendo nods and smiles and asks appropriate questions - but Newt knows him well enough to know that his heart isn’t quite in it. He just doesn’t quite know why.

Fearing that perhaps he’s boring him, Newt stops himself from rambling too much more. “So, what have you been doing with yourself?” he asks.

Tendo shrugs. “Finishing up. Getting people and things packed up and sent off.”

“Not made a start on packing yourself up, though,” Newt points out.

“Yeah. Just… haven’t gotten around to it.”

Newt frowns. He’s quiet for a bit, then decides to go ahead and ask it. “Where are you headed once you’re out of here?”

“Dunno.”

More frowning. “What are your options?”

“Few places. Canada. Brazil. New Zealand. Here.”

Newt stays quiet and waits for more information. He knows there’s more coming.

“I applied for that lecturers position,” Tendo finally says.

Since he’s not looking at Newt, and not looking particularly happy, there’s only one assumption to make - and Tendo’s mood now seems to make sense. “Seriously? Dude, how do they not want you?”

“What? No, I got it.”

Newt frowns further. Now nothing makes sense at all. “That’s… good? Isn’t it?”

Tendo sighs. “Well, sure it is. Or, it was. It would’ve been you and me, working at the same place, still able to hang out, and that would’ve been awesome.”

“That would still be awesome.”

“Mm. Well…”

Another long silence. “Well?” Newt finally asks. “Well what?”

“Hermann.”

Newt has to close his eyes against the white hot flash of hurt. “You don’t like him?” he asks in a near-whisper. 

“What… oh shit. Newt, no, it’s not like that. I’ve always liked Hermann, you know that, and seeing you two together, I can’t imagine anybody better for you. He treats you so damn well, and you’re happy, and that’s why I feel like I should probably start… keeping my distance a bit.”

Newt’s staring him down now as Tendo trails off. He thinks he finally knows where this is going. “And do tell me why the fuck you’ve got to do that?” he asks. 

Tendo looks down. “You know what it’s like for me,” he says. “I’m not gonna feel what you two feel, so what I have with you matters to me more than anything else - but you have a partner. I shouldn’t be hanging on here like some kind of third wheel trying to take up your time, it should be Hermann’s…” 

Tendo trails off as Newt grabs his phone, hits the speed dial number and waits. “Hey,” he says after a moment. “Slight emergency. Can you come to Tendo’s?” 

“ _I’m on my way.”_

Newt hangs up, glad that Hermann didn’t waste time asking what was wrong. He looks at Tendo, who is still staring at him in confusion, and shrugs. “You’re not gonna hear it if it comes from me - you care too damn much, which is usually great but today not so much.”

“Why did you say it was an emergency?”

“Because when my best friend gets so caught up in his head that he believes I don’t want him around, it needs to be fixed as soon as possible. The threat of losing you is a hell of an emergency.”

And while Tendo tries to come up with a rebuttal to that - because Newt knows that’s what comes next, he’s seen this before, too many times, and has done the same thing himself - there’s a knock at the door, and Newt goes to let Hermann in. “What’s happened?” Hermann asks. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Newt says, sitting back down across from Tendo, Hermann joining him. “A certain someone, however, thinks he needs to decline a very prestigious position at an excellent university because he thinks my having a partner-slash-Dom means I can no longer be his best friend.” 

Hermann doesn’t hesitate - he leans forward and raps Tendo on the back of the head. “There must be a brain in there,” he says, turning to Newt, “or else they wouldn’t have offered him the job that he is definitely going to accept.”

“My logic exactly. Please appeal to that brain.”

“I’ll do my best.” Hermann turns back to Tendo, who looks stunned. “Well then? Your first point?”

“Sorry?”

“I’ve done this with Newton several times now. I know there’s a series of arguments you’d like to bring up to express why you’re right in undertaking an activity that would hurt not only yourself but the people around you. Proceed with your first argument so I can decimate it.”

Newt tries not to smile. Hermann, as usual, has read this exactly right - with Newt, he uses care and gentle coaxing to get him to talk. With Tendo, it’s blunt and transparently challenging, and there’s no way Tendo won’t meet that head-on. 

And Tendo does. “Let’s start with the fact that I’m being _incredibly_ selfish,” he begins.  

“Tell me all about it,” Hermann says. 

“It’s not about me,” Tendo says, and Newt badly wants to jump in right there and correct him, but restrains himself. “If I try and prioritize my friendship with Newt and claim that it’s more important than your relationship, that’s just me trying to matter more and that’s not fair. Newt’s in a relationship with you and that matters more and I need to care about what’s best for him, not me.”

“Isn’t that his decision?” Hermann asks. 

Tendo sighs, shoots a look at Newt, then shrugs. “Newt cares a lot. He’d keep telling me that I mattered even if I was starting to get in the way.”

“Since when have I been a liar?” Newt can’t help but ask. He’s kinda stung by that.

Hermann shoots him a look of his own - a warning one. “You know perfectly well that you say some ridiculous things when _you’re_ the one arguing like this. Keep quiet and let him get it out of his system.”

Newt nods. Hermann’s right on that one. 

“Well, apart from reiterating that Newton isn’t a liar,” Hermann continues, “I’m not the one to convince you that he means what he says when he wants you around. Though the fact that he immediately summoned me in a state of emergency might indicate that he does care - if he valued your friendship so little, he would have taken the chance to end it when you gave it to him. Right?" 

Tendo just shrugs again. “Okay, so he cares. That’s good. I care about him too. But not enough. Not as much as you do.”

“No. You said before that you can’t claim that your friendship is more important than our relationship. You’re correct on that point. But you’re wrong that our relationship is more important than your friendship. Both matter equally. To imply that you care about Newton less because you don’t love him romantically is entirely incorrect.”

Tendo shakes his head. “You two are dating. Newt and I are just friends -“

“ _Just_ friends?” Newt demands. “Fuck off, Tendo, as if we’re _just_ anything.”

Hermann shoots him another look, but doesn’t reprimand him. “That’s one of those _society tell us_ things, isn't it? That friendship is less important than romance.”

Tendo nods. “And it’s true. Newt’s so happy with you and I could never make him that happy, so I don’t want to get in the way. I’m not… it doesn’t matter as much. Me and Newt. You and Newt are more important.” 

Hermann closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. Newt knows that gesture, knows what it means, and is profoundly glad that this time it isn’t directed at him. 

Then Hermann turns to him. “Let me take a moment to remind you that I love you, I have no intention of leaving you in the forseeable future, and it would take a lot for me to do so. Okay?” 

Newt frowns. “Okay,” he says.

It becomes clear pretty quickly though, why Hermann’s said that. “You have been Newton’s friend for many years,” he says to Tendo. “I have been his partner and Dom for just seven months. Seven months is not an indication of forever. We may not last. If you were to walk away now, and Newton and I were to part ways, then he would have lost his partner and his best friend.” 

“As if I’d let Newt go through that alone,” Tendo says immediately. _“_ I know he wouldn’t fall apart if you left - he’s doing fucking amazing these days and see? That’s just another reason why you’re better for him. But if he needed me, I’d _be there_.”

“In that case,” Hermann says, actually smiling a little, “why are you trying to leave? This isn’t a case of Newton needing to fall back on you if he were to lose me. He needs you _now_.”

“Why? What exactly do I give him that you can’t?”

“What have you given him for many years that I haven’t, and that others haven’t?” Hermann returns calmly. “Friendship. A friendship so strong and meaningful that it was apparent to both of you within days of meeting that you had something special. You gave Newton somebody he could open himself up to, who he could come out to with comfort and relative ease. The fact that you have stayed friends this long, that after so many years you still have so much to share and want to spend so much time together, must show you how much you matter.”

Tendo shrugs, but Newt can see the emotions belying his attempts to stay nonchalant. “I’m sure you’ll give him all that too, in time.”

“No,” Hermann says, shaking his head. “Not like you do. I will never become your replacement, Tendo. If nothing else, I do not understand Newton the same way you do. I can research and ask all the questions I like, but apart from being… apart from my own sexual orientation, I have not experienced being…”

“Different,” Newt says quietly. “On the outskirts. Not understood.”

Hermann nods. “You get that,” he says. “You two have helped one another through tough times - you have bolstered one another’s self esteem even whilst still feeling unsure about yourself. If nothing else - and there is _much_ more else, I assure you - then you have given Newton somebody who understands. You have made him feel less alone all these years. You still do now. You two, by being just who you both are, help the other immensely. You should both be proud of that, and you should never be throwing that kind of connection away for something so _ridiculous_ as Newton having a partner.”

There's a moment of silence, then Tendo simply crumbles.

Newt’s there in a second, holding him tight. Hermann’s watching them both in worry and Newt gives him a small smile to try and indicate that it's okay, it’s normal, this is just how Tendo reacts when he’s overwhelmed. He’s got more than half an inkling of what’s making Tendo feel overwhelmed, but he knows Hermann doesn’t. “Tell us what it is,” Newt says softly. “What’s upset you?" 

“He’s not just saying it’s okay we’re friends,” Tendo says, his voice shaky. “He’s saying it’s _good_ , it’s because I’m who I am that I’m good for you and… and it’s not just a thing that has to be worked around, it’s actually helpful and it’s okay, I’m okay and I try so damn hard to be okay but it’s always there, I always feel like something’s wrong. I’m used to people putting up with the aromantic shit as something they’d rather I not be - I’m not used to being told I’m important.” 

Tendo’s clinging to him tight now, which is good because Newt has no intention of letting him go. “Then I need to tell you that more often. I know it - it feels like you’re missing something or you’re wrong somehow but you’re not, there’s not a damn thing wrong with you. If you weren’t aromantic you wouldn’t be exactly who you are now and who you are now is who my best friend is, the person I’ve had and needed in my life for eight fucking years and I’m _not_ letting you throw that away because you think you don’t deserve it. You and I have dealt with some real bullshit, Tendo, and we _both_ deserve this, we deserve to have each other, don’t take it away from us.” 

Of course he’s crying now too, there’s no way he couldn’t be. They’ve both carried this sense of brokenness with them for years, and Newt knows just how much it hurts Tendo because it hurts him just as much too. 

And this is why they need to stick together - because the world is a shitty place and most of the people in it don’t even want to expend the effort of trying to understand them, let alone be involved with them in any way. They need each other.

Hermann - proof that it’s not the entire world that sucks - sighs quietly. “You deserve one another, and much more. Will you _please_ continue telling society to shove it?”

Newt laughs. Tendo, still in tears, glances up with the beginnings of a smile. “Suppose that’s a good reason, isn’t it?” he says, still tentative but Newt knows the battle is all but won.

“Are you done being ridiculous now?” Hermann asks gently. 

Tendo nods. “I - I can’t stop worrying about it because I always have, but I’ll… trust Newt. Like I always have. To tell me the truth.”

Newt, after a quick glance at Hermann, kisses Tendo’s forehead. He can see Hermann smile, and knows that he hasn’t done anything wrong - there’s a clear difference between that and the kisses he shares with Hermann. Both are equally important, but neither one puts the other at risk of mattering any less.

“I’ll leave you two to it,” Hermann says, standing. “Newton, I’ll see you at dinner in an hour. Tendo, I’ll see your email of acceptance within the next few days or I’ll do it myself.” Newt frowns, and Hermann smirks. “Logistics answers to the Mathematics Chair. I’m one of Tendo’s bosses and I’ll be seeing him on the first day of semester, or else I’ll have to try and teach his classes and that won’t go down well." 

Tendo laughs quietly, wiping his eyes. “Yeah, dude, don’t worry. I’ll be there.”

_Thank you_ , Newt mouths. Hermann just smiles, and lets himself out. 

There’s a long silence as Tendo pulls himself back together. Newt waits it out - he knows Tendo needs to be the one to talk first. 

“Well,” Tendo finally says, “no wonder you’re so much more confident these days. No insecurity could survive that.” 

Newt smiles. “He’s one hell of a reality check,” he agrees. “But he’s just telling us the shit we should already know. All the confidence you’re feeling about yourself right now - that’s all yours. He just brings out the best in us.”

“You’ve got a damn good Dom there, Newt.”

“I have. I’ve also got a damn good best friend who’s gonna help me write my lesson plans.”

Tendo sighs, but he’s smiling. “Knew you were keeping me around for a reason.”

“Many more reasons than that,” Newt says. “I might have a damn good Dom, but don’t you dare think I don’t still need you. I do need you - but way more importantly, I _want_ you. Yes, I’m stupid amounts in love with Hermann, but there’s no rule saying I only have a certain amount of love to give out. Just because our relationship is ‘different’ does _not_ mean it is inferior in any way. Got it?” 

“You’re scary for such a little thing,” Tendo says, smirking a bit. Newt’s glad to see it. “Yeah, got it. We’ll go get up to some crazy hijinks teaching together and Hermann can frown over both of us when we get into mischief.” 

“Living the dream,” Newt says with a nod. “And, hey, the staff is _massive._ You can start a new roster.” 

“I wouldn’t dream of doing such an unprofessional thing,” Tendo says with an innocent look that means he’s planning on doing exactly that. Then he frowns a little, bites his lip. “Um. About calling you a liar…”

Newt raises an eyebrow. “And devaluing our friendship?” Tendo squirms, and Newt nudges his shoulder gently. “C’mon, I know how it gets. You say all sorts of shit to try and justify yourself, but it’s all transparent. I know you love me - how could you not?”

“I’m surprised anybody else gets room to love you when your _massive ego_ does the job for you.”

Newt nudges him again, then stands up. “Right. You need to start packing your shit, and write your email. I need to go make out with Hermann as thanks for sorting you out.”

“Sounds like a good night all around,” Tendo says with a nod, then stands up to hug him. “You’re the best friend a guy could ask for, y’know?” 

“I do know,” Newt says. “You’re not half bad yourself.”

Tendo pulls away, rolls his eyes, and shoos Newt towards the door. “Asshole. Get out of here.” 

Newt goes. 

Tendo stands in the doorway, watching him walk down the hallway. Then he returns to his room, smiling properly for the first time since Newt and Hermann had left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I feel like I might be drawing to a close on this fic, I get at least seven new ideas. I don't think I'm stopping any time soon, even though the chapters aren't coming out as fast as they used to.


	27. I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close, but I've been there before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today, though, Hermann has been the one to open up, to speak without pressure or query. He could have responded to Newt’s tentative questioning with a simple affirmative, as he has done in the past on other things, but today he’s chosen to share. 
> 
> And now Newt needs more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter I made the stupid mistake of having Hermann say that he’s never experienced being isolated for his differences and mina pointed out that Hermann is visibly disabled and of course he has been. After scolding myself for being so dense, I decided that it’s time for Hermann to start talking. He’s clammed up on a few topics now and since we’ve had both Newt and Tendo have breakdowns (several times on Newt’s part), it’s time for Hermann to do the same. Mentions of homophobic and ableist behaviour.

After years of housing in rooms small enough to induce claustrophobia, the prospect of moving into  yet another institution-owned housing complex is fairly daunting. 

Maybe it would make sense to just get their own places, now that they’re free to live wherever they like. But the university had been so eager to spare them any extra work in trying to find apartments, insisting on them moving into the ‘teachers village’, that none of the three had felt inclined to argue. After all, they are free to move into other accommodation at any time if it doesn’t suit them.

Hermann takes charge (of course) of arranging his and Newt’s housing as shared, with Tendo living the next block over. But apart from that, none of them actually see the houses - or ‘houses’ as it may end up being - until they day they get given the keys and are informed that their possessions are already inside and waiting for them to unpack.

The walk to the village from campus is less than five minutes, and Newt and Tendo spend that time speculating over the new houses, and also reminiscing on horrible Shatterdome assignments and their respective living arrangements. They’ve both agreed that shared quarters was the worst possible one when they turn the corner to the village and, all three as one, stop dead.

“Oh, okay,” Tendo says after a moment. “They actually _meant_ houses.”

Because the village is lined with perfect neat rows of houses - townhouses, villas, bungalows, each type to their own road. The villas all come with attached play areas, and Newt can see kids in almost every backyard down that road. Obviously the villas are for family units, the townhouses for couples, and the bungalows for those living alone. It’s all American inspired, and while everybody they can see seems to come from widely diverse backgrounds, nobody seems out of place. 

It’s homely. It’s _nice_.

“Well colour me impressed,” Newt says. “Where are you at, Tendo?”

“Forty-eight,” Tendo says, looking down at his key, then over to his road. “I’m gonna go settle into my kickass bachelor pad. Tour each other’s places tomorrow?”

Hermann nods. “Sounds good,” he says, looking towards their own street. “Newton, shall we?”

Hand-in-hand they part from Tendo and walk down the road, both taking in their surroundings in silence. Newt’s the one who stops them when they reach their place - twenty-one - and for a moment they look up at it, before Newt grins. “It’s _pretty_ ,” he says.

Hermann smiles too, and leads him up the path to unlock the door. “It does seem to be far more than we expected,” he says as they step inside, looking around. “Kitchen and living room down here, bedroom and bathroom upstairs.”

They tour downstairs first, Hermann taking his time to meticulously check all of the appliances and make sure everything is in order. It all is, and Newt’s bouncing a little on his feet when they finally return to the staircase. “Bedroom?” he asks.

Hermann smirks, and before Newt can stop, process, and begin freaking out about how that sounds, takes his hand again and takes him upstairs. “I know full well that you just want to see how comfortable the bed is. Do remember, darling, that we can’t sleep in anymore.”

Newt pouts. “But we can on weekends,” he protests.

“That we can,” Hermann agrees, and pushes open the bedroom door. “Satisfactory?”

“Dunno,” Newt says, toeing off his shoes. “Let me find out.”

He launches himself at the bed, then laughs with delight as he sinks into it. Hermann laughs too, crossing the room to sit on the edge of the bed as Newt reorients himself, lying on his back. “That’s a good sign,” he says. “You’re happy, then? Because I was told we can request a change if we aren’t.”

“It’s awesome,” Newt says, sitting up, and leaning over for a kiss. Hermann gives it, then Newt jumps back up and pokes his head into the bathroom. “Ooh, big shower,” he reports. “And I think it meets your specifications.”

Hermann joins him, checks out the small bench installed in the shower, and nods. “Exactly right. And the carpet is soft,” he adds as they return to the bedroom. “Would you like to test that out too?”

Newt grins and easily drops to his knees. He leans against Hermann’s leg for a moment, who strokes his hair, then nods. “I can stay here for a lot longer than I could back in the ‘dome.”

“Good,” Hermann says softly. “The bedposts are sturdy too.”

Newt stands back up and kisses Hermann again. “You think of all the good things.”

His glance towards the bed is meaningful, and Hermann chuckles. “We’ll test them out another night,” he promises. “There’s some unpacking to do tonight, and then a good night’s sleep, I think.”

Newt nods. “First night in the new bed.”

“The first of many.”

“Home sweet home,” Newt says happily, and heads off to inspect the balcony.

When he returns, he finds Hermann standing exactly where he left him, stock still, staring at the wall. Newt watches him for a bit, then gently clears his throat. Hermann blinks a few times, glances at him, then smiles a little sheepishly. “My apologies. Were you saying something?”

Newt shakes his head. “Just wondering where you went. Was it a good place?”

“Where could I go that would be better than here?” Hermann asks, and he actually sounds genuine. “No, I was… considering. _Home sweet home,_ you said?”

“Yeah?”

“In that case, I can consider this my first true home.”

It’s Newt’s turn to stop and stare for awhile, before he decides that sitting them both down on the bed and wrapping himself bodily around Hermann might help the situation a little. Hermann doesn’t _seem_ distressed, but Newt isn’t taking any chances (or passing up any opportunities). “Yeah?” he asks.

Hermann sighs quietly. “The place I spent my childhood had few happy memories and was mostly spent by us children trying to figure out how to leave. Karla moved into her own apartment when I was still several years from freedom, and that only left me wistful for a home of my own, and well aware that ours was lacking any sentiment of home. College was a residence, a place where I had meagre belongings and went to study and sleep. I lived in various campus housing facilities until I moved to the Shatterdome, which also felt far too clinical and professional to be considered a home. It was the place I went to when I could no longer only see one set of numbers on my blackboard. Once the war was over, even once you had moved in, it was still just a place I resided in until I moved on. This is where we have moved on to. It is ours for as long as we stay on the staff, and we have both expressed our intention of staying for at least three years, so this is the first time I can start thinking of a place as home.”

Newt listens quietly, and gratefully. This is a rare look into his past, something Hermann isn’t exactly reticent about sharing but simply finds meaningless to talk about. Newt knows about the strained relationship with his father, about his mother’s death, about his siblings who Hermann loves but rarely sees. And in Hermann’s eyes, there’s nothing else to say that is at all important.

Newt, however, is finding this very important indeed. 

Not just the subject matter, but it’s the fact that Hermann is actually _talking_ that matters so much. He isn’t just brushing it aside as unimportant or evading the topic, like he’s done so many times in the past. He’s opening up.

But it’s not that Hermann has never been closed to him, not ever. Newt’s always known that if he really wanted to know something then he could push it and he’d get an answer. He’s just never felt like he should, or could - it’s either been the wrong time, or Newt’s been aware that it would upset Hermann to speak about something, or he just isn’t confident enough to push it. It’s never divided them in any way, or made Newt feel like Hermann’s keeping secrets. He understands well enough that his partner is reluctant to speak about himself; control is a big part of it, their relationship dynamic meaning Newt is usually in the more vulnerable position, but that’s also just the way Hermann is. 

Today, though, Hermann has been the one to open up, to speak without pressure or query. He could have responded to Newt’s tentative questioning with a simple affirmative, as he has done in the past on other things, but today he’s chosen to share. 

And now Newt needs more. 

“Thanks for telling me that,” he says quietly. 

Hermann shifts a little. “You’re welcome," he says, sounding faintly puzzled. “It was no real secret.”

“Still, you didn’t have to share it.” Newt clears his throat a little. “Can I ask you something?”

Hermann looks at him. Clearly Newt’s tone has alerted his suspicions, but he doesn’t close off. “Of course,” he says.

“It’s… it has nothing to do with this. Kinda out of left field.”

“Go ahead.”

Newt smiles a little, trying to be reassuring. “Do you struggle with identifying as being gay?” he asks gently.

Hermann closes his eyes. It’s very close to a flinch. “Ah,” he says quietly. “I did wonder when we’d return to this.”

“Only when you’re ready to,” Newt says. “You can forget I asked if you want.”

There’s a long pause, then Hermann opens his eyes and shakes his head. “No,” he says. “That isn’t fair. You have every right to ask, and every right to know. I’ve talked you through enough insecurities about your orientation, it would be hypocritical of me to not let you work on mine.”

“Before we start this,” Newt says quickly, “can I just… um. Do I have any rules for this conversation?”

Hermann frowns. “Such as?”

“Well, I know what I’m like in this kind of situation. And I’m not presuming you’d be the same, but if I feel like you’re saying stupid shit, can I call you out on it without it being rude?”

Hermann smiles slightly. “I’d love to say no, but of course you can. Would you feel better with your collar removed? A conversation of equals?"

“No,” Newt says quietly. “I’d still quite like you to remember that I’m yours.”

And Newt hopes that provides the reassurance he thinks Hermann might need to start talking. 

After a few moments, Hermann sighs. “Yes,” he says. “I do struggle. But not in the way you think - I don’t deny who I am. I haven’t tried to do that for a long time. But I avoid the word, and the affiliation of it. It is one of the few things that makes me feel ashamed of myself.”

“Who told you that being gay is wrong?” Newt asks.

“Who else? My father. But… but it was my mother who made me ashamed.”

Newt winces. Hermann has only ever talked of his mother with love and respect, and now Newt’s worried. “What happened?” he asks.

“My mother had such dreams for her youngest son - dreams that were already crushed by my disability. All she wanted was a _normal_ son, one who would marry a nice young girl and get a good job and do her proud. And I - well, I know better now - but I believed that anything outside that vision would… would make her stop loving me. So when I started realizing that I was interested in other men, how could I tell her? When she kept asking about girlfriends, when she -“ Hermann pauses, closes his eyes. “When she started getting sick, she told me that she would leave me her rings. Karla was already engaged at that point, otherwise she would have gotten them. So she left them to me to… to give to the girl I would marry. At that point I was nineteen and dating my first boyfriend and it -“

He stops. Newt tightens his hold. “It crushed you?” he asks gently.

Hermann laughs bitterly. “That’s one word for it, yes. Once she died I - I felt like I had to live up to the image she had left for me to fill. I left my partner and tried to interest myself in women but I… I couldn’t. I couldn’t even get a girlfriend, and if I had, I never would have been able to sustain the relationship. And then I threw myself into work instead and got control over the parts of my life I could and eventually I realized that I couldn’t fight it any further. I’m….” Hermann takes a deep breath. “I’m gay,” he says quietly. “And if that would have broken my mother’s heart… well, she isn’t here. But I’m still living. I need to live for myself.”

“You’re wonderful, Hermann,” Newt says softly. 

Hermann sighs and opens his eyes. They’re a little damp. “So, in summary; I accept who I am and refuse to hide it, but I still struggle with expressing that in words - because the words were always the thing that let me down, that refused to be spoken when she always asked about girlfriends. I couldn’t say them then, and I still struggle to say them now.”

“That’s okay,” Newt reassures. “I spent years not being able to say the word asexual, and I still can’t on bad days. It doesn’t make you any less brave.”

Hermann smiles a little. He’s looking down at his hands, and Newt’s pretty sure that means he’s still got tears in his eyes that he doesn’t want to show. “You teach me a great deal about bravery, my love,” he says. “Does that answer your question?”

“Yeah. But… um. There’s something else…”

“Go on,” Hermann says without looking up.

Newt bolsters himself. “When you were getting Tendo through his meltdown last week, you said you had no experience being isolated for your differences. But…”

“I stayed in the closet for many years,” Hermann says. “I had little opportunity to be rejected for my sexuality in the years when people would have done so. Within the Shatterdome, the first time it was found out by a group of people I was close to, there were others in the same situation. Yourself and Tendo, both extremely open about your preferences, and we all knew that Sasha and Aleksis both invited others into their bed.”

“And _everybody_ slept with Tendo,” Newt says with a nod. “But that’s not what I meant. You hid your orientation for a long time, just like I did. But you couldn’t hide your disability.”

There’s a long silence. 

“Oh, Newton,” Hermann finally says, his tone oddly pitying. “You don’t want to hear about that.”

“Yes I fucking do,” Newt says immediately, then pauses and rethinks that. “Well, of course I don’t because I don’t want to know that you’ve dealt with shit because of it - but if you have, then I want to know. Point is, you don’t get to tell me that I don’t want to hear it.”

Hermann sighs. “What do you mean _if_?” he asks, and his tone is suddenly harsh and almost bitter. “Of course I have. I still do. I endure the stares, the whispers, the innocent questions from children wanting to know _what’s wrong with that man_ , the people determined to coddle me and believe I can’t do a damned thing for myself, the -“ Hermann’s breath catches and Newt feels him tremble. “I can’t control it,” he continues. “So what is the point in speaking of it?”

“Because you’re crying,” Newt says softly. “Because it hurts. Because the fact that it happens and, yeah, is probably gonna keep happening, doesn’t mean you should have to bottle it up and pretend it doesn’t upset you.” He rubs his thumb over Hermann’s shoulder. “Because I love you and I want to help you bear the burden as much as an able-bodied person -“

“Non-disabled,” Hermann says, then seems to catch himself. “Apologies. It’s just -“

“Non-disabled it is,” Newt says with a nod. He doesn’t need Hermann to explain - terminology matters to him too. “Anyway, as well as I possibly could, which I know isn’t much. But whatever I can do to make it easier on you, I want to and will. Even if you just want to cry for a bit, that’s okay.”

“Whether I want to or not is immaterial,” Hermann says, his voice thick. “I seem to be unable to stop.”

“Which means you need to,” Newt says, hugging him tighter. “Go on, let it out. I’ll keep you safe.”

He isn’t surprised that Hermann doesn’t break down into violent sobbing - he’s not the type. Silent and unrelenting tears are as far to broken down as Hermann will ever get, and even that hurts to witness.

Surprisingly, Newt doesn’t feel completely useless as he sits here and holds Hermann tight. Because Newt suspects that what Hermann needs most in the world - far more than anybody trying to rise to his defense or convince him that he shouldn’t let the words hurt him - is for someone to let him cry and tell him that it’s okay to do so. Newt is pretty damn sure that Hermann hasn’t had someone who encouraged him to do so in a very long time.

If ever.

Hermann speaks after awhile, still in tears. “Do you need details?” he asks. “Specific incidents?”

“I need whatever you want to give me, honey,” Newt says. “I need to know that you’re talking about whatever you need to get out. This isn’t me being nosy and asking what kind of ableist shit you’ve dealt with - this is me hopefully giving you the chance to talk about things I feel like you haven’t talked about in awhile and might want to get off your chest.”

There’s a long pause. Then Hermann sighs. “The incidents themselves don’t need speaking of,” he says. “After all, be with me long enough and you’ll witness them.” Newt wants to say something to that, but he doesn’t know what, and Hermann continues speaking before he can figure it out. “The only true issue is… how I handle it.”

“In what way?” Newt asks gently. 

“I’ve wondered if perhaps that’s why I need to be in control so much,” Hermann murmurs. “It, theoretically, puts me in a position where I can’t be hurt by cruel words. I can’t control the world - or the stares - but I can control my little piece of it. I can… I can have people who I have power over, who wouldn’t dare say such things to me because I - I have the power to punish them.”

And his look at Newt is both meaningful and sincerely worried.

“Oh no you _don’t_ ,” Newt says firmly. “You’re kinda forgetting that even if I weren’t your sub, I’d _never_ say shit like that. Ever. You don’t Dom me to have someone who’s pliant and exactly how you want them - you Dom me for the benefit of both of us, because this is how we like our relationship to be. Maybe you have some… control issues? Sure. That’s understandable. But don’t you go on making yourself out to be horrible and finding ulterior motives to you being a Dom. This right here? What we’ve got? This wasn’t born out of anger or resentment or _anything_ we’ve suffered because of who we are, either one of us. We work through those things together, of course we do, because we love each other and want to help. But we came into this relationship out of love and commitment and a shared understanding that this is the dynamic we want and I’m not gonna let you tell yourself that being a Dom is bad, not ever. Maybe there’s shit you could do that would make you a bad Dom, but you don’t do it. Ever. If you think you might use Domming as a way to help you control a world that treats you like shit so often, well, there are way worse ways to deal with things. And you don’t ever hurt me in retaliation for people who hurt you. I know you; you couldn’t. So… so my point in all that rambling is to remind you that your control over me is entirely consensual and loving and you’re not a bad person. Okay?”

He’s slightly out of breath, and Hermann’s staring at him. “Is that how I sound when I’m telling you off for being negative about yourself?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“Good. It’s effective.” Newt smiles, and Hermann does too, though he’s still crying. “I know. I know I don’t dominate to - to do everything you said there. But I do control things, and nothing more than myself. Do you never wonder how I underwent such a sudden change from the way I treated you in the lab to how we are now?”

“You used grumpiness to push people away,” Newt says. “I didn’t see it at the time, of course, but it makes sense now. If someone’s willing to stick around when you’re like that, then it’s unlikely that they’ll try to hurt you.”

“How did you -“

“I know you. Just like you know me - just like you knew when I was pushing you away not even a week into our contract that I wasn’t doing that because I wanted you gone. And like I knew that you avoiding the word _gay_ was something we would have to talk about someday, but not the first time it happened. Not until today.”

Hermann presses his palms to his eyes, and when he removes them he’s smiling a little. “Of all days, though,” he says quietly. “Our first day in our new home and we begin it with me falling to pieces.”

“You know why?” Newt asks, and Hermann shakes his head. “Because you’ve just said it - we’re home. This is our place, and you’re safe here. This is where you can be exactly who you are.”

He feels Hermann relax into him completely at the realisation, and a moment later Newt’s being kissed, soft and inordinately grateful. “Apart from the end of the war,” Hermann murmurs, “you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“And since I played a big part in ending the war,” Newt murmurs back, “I’m definitely the best.”

Hermann chuckles. “Any other questions?”

“Depends. Anything else I should know?”

Hermann considers that, then shakes his head. “That’s more than enough talking for now anyway,” he says. “I’d like to kiss you for a bit, if there are no objections?”

“Not a single one.”

So they kiss for a bit - quiet and peaceful, as soft as the sunlight slipping away outside. 

Hermann eventually turns on the lights, though, and then Newt decides it’s probably time to investigate this new kitchen properly and make them some dinner. Instead, he finds a quiche - a fucking _quiche_ \- waiting in the cupboard as a welcoming present, and soon enough they’ve eaten and are washing up together, the domesticity nearly too much for Newt to bear. 

Hermann takes him to the couch after that, and Newt goes to drop to his knees, only to be stopped by Hermann gently grabbing his wrist. “Sit up here with me?” he asks, and Newt easily and happily does. “Do you want to watch anything?”

“Nah. Cuddling is way better - and you’re tired, anyway, I can tell. Bed soon?”

“I think so.” Hermann yawns, and Newt chuckles. “I was going to suggest we start on the unpacking tonight, but I can’t bring myself to do it.”

“It’ll wait. We’ve got what we need for tonight, and it’s not like we have much to unpack anyway.”

“True. And we have days ahead of us to do that - we both need to report in on Wednesday, and classes don’t start until the following Monday. Though I’m certainly looking forward to the first week of teaching.”

Newt’s smile drops for a second, but he’s regained his composure before Hermann looks at him. “It’s gonna be interesting,” he agrees. 

“It will. Good to be back to doing work again. But there’s just over a week until then,” Hermann points out with a sudden smile. “And while I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep tonight, I think the next few nights might be good for a bit of… relaxation.”

Newt melts into Hermann’s shoulder. “I’m very down with that,” he says. 

“Good.” Hermann lifts his chin and kisses him. “Thank you for asking your questions,” he says softly. “I can’t say I enjoyed answering them, but I feel much better for having spoken about it.”

“Thank you for trusting me enough to speak about it.”

“Never mistake my reticence to talk about my past as a lack of trust,” Hermann says. “I’ve always trusted you with that knowledge - I just never chose to share it in such detail.”

Newt smiles. “I know. But thank you for trusting me enough to cry on my shoulder.”

Hermann smiles too. “You’re welcome. Bed?”

“Yes, please.”

***

“Would it be wrong to offer you a reward for being so good and encouraging me to open up?” Hermann asks when they’re in bed, Newt curled around him with his head on his chest. “I know it’s rather different from what you normally get rewarded for, and it isn’t that I made you do something difficult or pushed a limit…”

“Hermann, I’m never ever gonna argue with getting a reward,” Newt says, and Hermann laughs. “You opening up like that was reward enough for me - but there’ll be no objections here if you want to… say, dig out the wrist and ankle restraints tomorrow, and possibly the blindfold?”

“Isn’t it my job to choose your rewards?” Hermann asks, but his tone tells Newt that he’s going to get exactly what he wants. “We’ll leave them in the box until Tendo’s visited, though. I don’t need a repeat of last time.”

Newt groans quietly. “I can’t believe how many questions he asked about being gagged.”

“I can’t believe you offered to show him.”

“I knew he wasn’t gonna say yes.”

“I’m glad he didn’t, or I would have had to step in and rescind the offer. That’s something you do for me, and me alone.” Newt shivers a little at the possessiveness, and Hermann strokes his hair. “It’s been awhile since we played with the gag,” he says thoughtfully. “I’ve missed seeing you like that. Perhaps I deserve a reward tomorrow too.”

“Yeah you do.”

Hermann kisses the top of his head. “Go to sleep, my darling.”

The new bed is too damn comfortable to do anything but.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m non-disabled (which I think is the better term to use than able-bodied based on my research but honestly I’m not sure). So if I wrote anything wrong here that could be offensive or inaccurate or anything, please fucking call me out on it. It’s the same for when I write aromanticism, or most of the other heavier themes in this fic - I don’t worry so much about writing Newt because I’m basically writing myself , but when I’m going in to topics that I have no personal experience with, the last thing I want is to misrepresent people or make people feel like they can’t relate.


	28. weave us together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is the man who ties you up and gives you orders, and you’re worried that he might judge you for a bit of knitting?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m working on another heavy chapter and I wanted something light to go in between. I’ve suddenly resumed knitting for the first time in about thirteen years and, when I’m not knitting, I’m apparently writing about knitting (both here and in unpublished Coulson/Clint verse which is a fandom I’m not even a part of what the hell has happened to me). This chapter is relatively pointless in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes it’s nice to just write them as a couple without any drama. Because the D/s and aceness doesn't change the fact that they are ‘just a couple’.

“Newt, I love you to pieces,” Tendo says with a sigh, “but you are so fucking stupid sometimes.”

They’re walking back from campus, each carrying papers and books from their first check-ins with administrative staff. They’ve each got their class lists, timetables, set texts (which they can start changing as of next semester if they dislike what was used before them), and other details about what to expect on the first day. Hermann had been with them, but he’d ducked back to confirm a few questions about some of his other Chair responsibilities, so it’s just Newt and Tendo heading back to the teacher’s village. It’s unseasonably cold today - boding badly for the winter ahead - and they’re both bundled up, hurrying to Newt and Hermann’s place so they can warm up.

Incidentally, that’s the subject of their current argument. 

Well, really, it’s about Tendo’s attire. None of the three have changed too much about their sense of style since the war, and Tendo still kits himself out in bowties, which suit him down to the ground so of course he’s not changing it. The only difference is due to the weather, which has led to the inclusion of a warm as hell coat (Newt’s tried it on, it’s heaven) and a scarf, block grey with occasional lines of red. 

And that’s what it’s all about. The scarf. 

The scarf that Newt knitted for Tendo and is now trying to swear him to secrecy about. 

“You think Hermann’s gonna care?” Tendo demands when Newt doesn’t answer. “You think he’ll think differently of you because you knitted me a scarf?”

“Others have.”

“Hermann isn’t others, is he? This is the man who _ties you up_ and gives you orders, and you’re worried that he might judge you for a bit of _knitting_?”

The house is in sight, and Newt focuses on finding his keys and getting them both inside. They take a moment to remove excess layers, hanging them on the chairs at the kitchen table, then Newt looks over to see that Tendo’s still waiting for an answer. “Yeah, kinda,” Newt says, and sits down. “But not like - I know Hermann isn’t gonna make fun of me or anything, I just… can we just drop it?”

“Nope,” Tendo says cheerily, sitting across from him. “Knit Hermann a scarf, Newt.”

“Why?”

“Isn’t that Cute Couples 101? Make each other things?”

“Hermann doesn’t make me things.”

“He might if you take the initiative. Or he might not have any making things skills. But I think he’d appreciate something from you.”

Newt sighs. “You don’t think he’d find it… I dunno, frivolous? I could go to the shop and buy him one and I could spend my time doing something actually useful - I have to _teach_ next week. I’m sure he wants me focused on that.”

“Got any rules around that?” Tendo asks. “Like, I know you, dude. You’ll work for sixteen hours straight without a break if you think you’re onto something good. Hermann _must_ have something about down time.”

Newt sighs again and nods. “Prep time is in two hour blocks with half an hour break. We’re gonna go through our schedules tonight and see what days we can meet up for lunch, otherwise he’ll tell me when to eat and make sure I’ve brought food if the break is too small for me to go get anything. I can only work late or bring work home a maximum of two nights a week and for two hours each night. The rest of the evenings are for rest.”

“And knitting definitely qualifies as that.”

“What if I don’t like knitting any more?”

“Do you still like knitting?” Newt reluctantly nods, and Tendo sighs. “Then _knit_ , Newt. What the hell is the big deal? You don’t even know, do you? You’re just hung up about this for the sake of being hung up about it.”

Thank god Hermann arrives then - Newt doesn’t have an answer. 

“All sorted?” Tendo asks cheerfully, his tone of a minute ago miraculously vanished. 

“I believe so,” Hermann says, putting his books down next to theirs and removing his coat. He hangs his on the coat rack with a pointed look at Newt, who promptly gets up and does the same with his own stuff, earning a quick and quiet murmur of praise. “Just schedules to confirm and check with Newton’s,” he continues as they sit down. 

“Newt and I were talking about your schedule for him,” Tendo says, “making sure he gets breaks and stuff. You’ve got him micromanaged to a _fault_. I’m impressed.”

Hermann smiles. “He needs it. Both of our lives run smoother with standing orders and rules - and Newton is so well behaved when everything is laid out nice and clear for him.”

Newt smiles too, ducking his head a little. “You’re easy to be well behaved for,” he murmurs.

Tendo chuckles and stands. “You two are mushy as fuck. I’m gonna go get my shit sorted - still doing movie night on Saturday?”

“You know it,” Newt says, offering up a tentative smile. While he and Tendo hadn’t exactly been fighting (the words are harsh, the love is self-evident), it’s never nice to leave things on an uncertain note.

Tendo’s return smile is warm and reassuring. “Bring the popcorn. Hermann, you know you’re always welcome.”

“I have a good book calling my name on Saturday, I’m afraid,” Hermann says, standing up (like the old fashioned gentleman he is) to see Tendo out. “I think you two relax more without my company anyway.”

“I don’t think there’s anybody whose company Newt relaxes in more than yours,” Tendo says with a wink, and Hermann chuckles, acknowledging that. They all know it’s true - just explaining bondage to Tendo for the first time had nearly headspaced Newt, and he knows Tendo doesn’t hold any resentment about coming in second to Hermann on that one. 

Tendo slips on his coat, then deliberately picks up the scarf and fiddles with it for a bit - and Hermann takes the bait. “That’s a lovely scarf,” he says.

Tendo grins ( _unsubtle as fuck_ , Newt mouths to him), and holds it out. “It’s amazing. Try it on, I reckon it’d suit you.”

Hermann does, absently stroking the ends of it. “It’s very soft. Where did you get it?”

“Got it made for me.” Hermann hands it back and Tendo winds it around his own neck. “Made by someone _very_ special,” he adds, and smirks at Newt. “Okay, gotta go. Later, lovebirds.”

Hermann watches him go for a few moments, then turns slowly to look at Newt. “I sense some particular emphasis in what our Mr. Choi was saying there,” he says, and damn it all if he isn’t smiling.

Newt groans and drops his head into his hands. “I begged him to shut up,” he says. “Should’ve known better.”

“Yes you should have,” Hermann says, sitting down across from him and gently prising his hands away from his face. “You should know better than to be embarrassed about something so trivial. Did you think I’d laugh?”

“Dunno.” Newt sighs. “No. Of course you wouldn’t. But it’s still… y’know.”

“I’m afraid I don’t.”

“Not exactly my image? Not _cool_.”

“Newton,” Hermann says, very seriously. “You were never cool.”

Newt laughs in surprise, finally looking up. “Oh, damn, that burns,” he says, smiling a little. “Yeah, okay, point taken. Guess it’s just one of those things I’m weird about.”

“Do you want knitting time added to the schedule? Or will that just go under general free time?”

Newt stares for a moment, then shakes his head. “Damn it, Tendo was right. I really should’ve known better, shouldn’t I?”

“Yes, darling, you should have. I didn’t notice any knitting paraphernalia in the unpacking, though.”

“Haven’t done it in awhile.” Newt shrugs. “Wouldn’t mind starting up again. Winter’s coming, after all.”

“Good. You need a nice warm scarf.”

Newt glances at him tentatively. “Was thinking for you, actually.”

Hermann blinks, then smiles - and _fuck_ , Newt would’ve admitted to this whole knitting thing way earlier if he’d known he was gonna get one of the _good_ smiles. “I’d like that,” he says quietly. “You’ve always told me I need to wear more blue. Isn’t this your opportunity?”

“Sure is. Can we go shopping tomorrow so you can pick out what you like?”

“Definitely. I may have to pick up a few things as well - if you’re making something for me, I can hardly not reciprocate, can I?”

Newt stares. “You… you make things? What kinds of things? What are you making?”

Hermann, smirking a little, leans over and steals a kiss. “Surprise,” he says. 

Newt pouts. “I told you mine!”

“You did no such thing. Tendo double-crossed you. And since there’s nobody to do the same for me, you’ll just have to wait and find out.” 

Hermann kisses him again and Newt raises an eyebrow - yeah, Hermann’s affectionate as fuck, but there has to be a reason for this sudden barrage of sweetness. “What’d I do right?” he asks.

Hermann smiles. “The image of you knitting,” he admits. “It’s oddly comforting. You know I love your domestic talents.”

Newt grins. “I cook and clean for you, and now I knit for you too. Bit imbalanced this relationship, isn’t it?”

Hermann’s smirk is downright devious. “Is it just? I hadn’t noticed. Perhaps I need to do more for you - hm. How about… upstairs, on your knees, box ready on the bed, three minutes?”

Newt’s gone as soon as Hermann finishes speaking. 

He owes Tendo some kind of fruit basket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t even know if this is something I need to mention yet but the way I’m writing Hermann is starting to change - he’s becoming more Dommy, for lack of an actual word. The reason is twofold. Obviously their relationship is still very much as it always has been, but now that they’re getting past the learning stage and have figured out each other’s needs and style and also gotten past a lot of the initial difficulties that Hermann had to be careful about, the D/s elements are able to get more intense. Hermann knows where Newt’s limits are, what’s gonna trigger panic attacks, what he needs to get through certain things, etc. He can dominate with more certainty and authority, while still remaining loving and kind, because they know each other well enough that Newt knows that Hermann only ever dominates him out of absolute love. And the other reason is that I write what I need and lately I’ve been insanely needy for someone to Dom me like Hermann Doms Newt. And I don’t have that. So, that’s that.


	29. shoot me down but I won't fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did something happen? 
> 
> He doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember it getting cold either, but it’s done that.
> 
> And he can’t stop shaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have observant eyes, you may have seen Newt react a little oddly two chapters ago to Hermann mentioning their upcoming first week of teaching. This is why. Warning for (unconventional) sub drop.
> 
> [The inclusion of a new pet name is entirely inspired by my absolute favourite fic right now, No Finer Mess To Be Found by essieincici - it’s Avengers AU with Coulson/Clint (who are technically a background couple but get enough focus that it doesn’t matter) as the most adorable D/s couple ever written and if you follow me on Tumblr you’ll have seen me rave about this several times already. But I just wanted to give credit where credit is due.]

It’s Friday night and Newt’s sitting on the couch with the rising feeling that everything is wrong.

Everything isn’t wrong, of course. Technically, only one thing is wrong - but that one thing just sort of means everything right now.

Hermann isn’t here. 

They're not attached at the hip. Hermann’s been _not here_ before, as has Newt, and it’s not like Hermann isn’t coming back or anything. He’s just going to be late home tonight, and he’d called Newt during their ten minute overlap of free time to inform him as such and to remind Newt about his ground rules. Newt coming home to an empty house hadn’t been a surprise, and he’d planned to cook himself some dinner, leaving enough for Hermann when he got in later, and then put on a movie. It’s Friday, after all, the end of their first week of teaching, and Newt deserves a break. 

But, see, the problem is that the shaking in his hands hasn’t quite stopped and Newt hasn’t trusted himself to start cooking until that ends. So he's sitting here, and it’s now gone six and he’s kind of hungry but he’s also not. And he’s shaking. And he’s not sure why. 

The TV is off. The room is dark and quiet - steadily growing darker, since Newt hasn’t bothered to turn the light on. In fact, he hasn’t gotten up since he got home an hour ago and decided to sit down for a bit and check his emails.  His tablet lies next to him, abandoned after five minutes when Newt simply couldn’t summon up the energy to reply to anything. He’d decided to jut sit for a minute, to just relax a little, maybe take a nap…

But napping isn’t what he’s done. 

He’s just kind of… sat here. For an hour. Doing nothing.

It’s not normal, not for Newt who, unless he’s bound and pliant at Hermann’s feet, always needs to be doing something. There’s always thoughts to write down or things to look up or conversations to have or - or just _things_. Things to keep him active and busy and that’s what Newt thrives off. 

But tonight he hasn’t wanted to do anything at all. He’s just sat here and the room’s gotten dark around him and Newt’s just _sat_ here. Not doing anything. 

He thinks he’s been thinking but he doesn’t know what he’s been thinking about. Or if he has. Things are somewhat confusing, and he doesn’t know when that’s happened either. His mind was pretty clear (though rather tired) when he came in the front door, and then… 

Did something happen?  

He doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember it getting cold either, but it’s done that. 

And he can’t stop shaking. 

He feels tired and _wrong_ and he needs Hermann, needs to kneel at his feet and be bound and have his hair stroked and - and he shouldn't need all this, so needy, so damn needy but he does, he does. But Hermann isn't here and for a long terrifying moment Newt can't remember why. He can't remember where Hermann is. 

He fumbles his way to the bathroom, takes off his glasses and splashes water on his face. It gives him a bit more clarity of mind - but not the good kind. 

Hermann's not home because he's staying back late. 

Staying back late. To work.  

Why couldn't he work at home? What's wrong with home? What's wrong with _Newt_? Is he a distraction? Too loud, too irritating, too _bad_? Not good enough at staying still and keeping quiet and letting Hermann work - he tries, he really does try but he's not good enough he never is and Hermann can't even work in his own _home_ because of him.   

Newt whimpers quietly and drops to his knees. The tiles hurt as he smacks into them a bit harder than planned, but it hardly registers. He stays there for a few seconds but kneeling isn't enough, so he slowly sinks down further, curling onto his side and into a ball. 

The floor is cold against his already cold skin. But what does it matter? This is the punishment that Hermann clearly wasn't willing to give him for being such a goddamn fuckup.  

Except something about that seems...

Well, Hermann never delays or withholds punishment if he thinks Newt deserves it. And he's always very clear about whether Newt has been good or bad. So to do something like this, to leave him on his own as a punishment without telling him, it just seems -

But that's Hermann's right. If Hermann feels like changing how he does things, then he can. Newt just has to go with it. 

So it's okay. It makes sense. 

Right? 

He's confused. So confused and lost but this must be right. He can't figure out any other option than Newt being the one to fuck things up yet again. That’s always how it is, always how it has been. He doesn’t know why Hermann has spent so long putting up with him. 

So maybe that’s why Hermann hasn’t come home tonight. Maybe this is the beginning of the end and -

And Newt can’t think about that. 

He presses his cheek to the floor and tries to find something to focus on. Drifting off into the void of confusion is far too frightening, and he's so not up for a panic attack tonight. 

He listens to sounds.

The dripping tap in the kitchen they haven't gotten around to fixing yet. The dishwasher humming quietly. The sound of talking on the street below as a couple walks past, slowly fading away. A small thud from the fridge. And Newt’s breathing, quiet and barely there. 

And then, some unknown time later -

Door opening. Footsteps. His name, first as a greeting, then a question. Then more footsteps. Louder. Closer. 

Hermann. 

Hermann's in the doorway, Hermann's looking at him with shock in his eyes, Hermann's turning and walking away. 

No wonder. Newt would leave himself too right now if he could.

Hermann's back a few seconds later, though, and he's got a blanket. Newt blinks at it, and watches as Hermann tucks it over him - it's nice and warm - then eases himself on to the floor. "Are you with me, sweetheart?" he asks, and his tone is both gentle and commanding. 

Newt immediately responds to it - his Dom is here. "Yeah," he murmurs, then amends. "Kinda."  

"We'll take it slow," Hermann says softly. "Nice and simple. You don't have to do anything you don't want to - though I do think getting you off the floor is quite important. But in your own time. Everything's okay, you're okay. You're safe." 

The words are helping bring Newt back to focus, but he's still hazy. And not the good kind. "Thought you were working," he says. 

At that, Hermann looks even more worried. "I was. And I finished. How long have you been in here?"

Newt shrugs. "'s the time?"

"Nearly eight."

"Shit."

"I'll take that as far too long then. And now I do need you to sit up - I need to see that you're okay." He reaches out a hand to Newt's shoulder, then hesitates. "Can I touch you?" 

"You want to?" 

Now it looks like pain in Hermann's eyes. "Of course I do," he says softly, and waits until Newt nods before putting a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay to move? You haven't been hyperventilating, don't feel lightheaded -?" 

"M'okay."

Hermann helps him sit up, but once he's away from the security of the floor, Newt starts to feel a bit panicked. He presses one palm firmly to the ground and tries to take a deep breath. "Shh, it's okay," Hermann whispers. "Come here, I've got you."

Newt leans against Hermann gratefully - but tentatively. He's still not sure how badly he's fucked up. "Sorry," he murmurs, figuring an apology can only help. 

"I'm not sure what you think it’s for," Hermann says, "but it's okay. We'll talk about that later. For now, I need to know that you know what's going on. Do you know how you ended up on the floor?" 

Newt thinks about it for a bit, then shrugs. "Kinda? I - I forgot what was going on so I came in here to splash water on my face and then I realized why you weren't here and I'd - I was so damn confused but I realized I must've fucked up and I just..." he whimpers a little and turns his face into Hermann's shoulder. 

"Dropped," Hermann completes quietly. "In both senses of the word."

Newt frowns. "Huh?"

"To the ground and - like this." There's a short pause. "But I don't think you're too aware of what's going on. Are you?"

"No," Newt says, and quietly starts crying. 

Hermann holds him a little tighter. "You're in sub drop, sweet boy," he murmurs.  

"Fuck," Newt sobs, and cries harder. 

And it's so stupid that he hadn't even known, but it's true. Newt can only ever tell what a drop is like when he's stable again, when he can look back and see how irrational he's been and how it was all in his head. Right now, all he can see is that he's fucked up and he deserves to be left alone and that's why he's so upset right now and - 

But he's dropped. Hermann's just told him that and Hermann understands this shit so much better than Newt does. And Hermann doesn’t seem cross, isn't acting like Newt’s done anything wrong. So... so maybe he hasn't fucked up quite so badly? Maybe it is the drop talking?

He doesn't know. He's tired and confused and so cold and all he can do is cry for awhile and hope that it's going to get better soon. 

Hermann rubs his back and murmurs sweet and soft things to him; how good he is, how much Hermann loves him, that this is going to end, that he's safe. Newt doesn't buy them, not yet, but they're nice to hear. 

Eventually he runs out of tears, and Newt’s just left with the confusion and worry. Hermann holding him is helping to ground him, just a little, but he’s still not sure what exactly is real. “You said I’m in sub drop?” he asks, so he can get at least one thing clear in his mind. “But we didn’t… no scene.”

“I know,” Hermann says slowly, as if he's trying to work that out himself. “But you’re exhibiting all the symptoms so, until we manage to work out what’s gone wrong, I’m treating it as such. It seems to be working… though your eyes aren’t quite focused. Do you feel like you’re with me?” 

“Not completely.” 

“Is there anything you know works to ground you after a drop?”

Newt shrugs. “Dunno. Eventually I just come back.”

“I don’t like eventually.” Newt shrugs again, and Hermann sighs. “Talk to me,” Hermann urges softly. “Tell me something - anything. Let’s try to begin putting this into words.” 

Newt focuses very hard on finding something to say. “Why didn’t you come home?” he asks.  

“Do you remember me calling you to let you know I wouldn’t be home?” Hermann asks, his tone non-accusatory. Newt nods. “Okay. So you’re not asking that because you thought I’d be here, but because want to know why I chose to stay back late?” Another nod, and Hermann sighs quietly. "I wanted to keep work at work for as long as possible. I wanted to be able to come home and spend time with you without having to focus on work. I hoped that staying back tonight would mean we could have our first weekend free of any work and we could spend it together. Did I make the wrong decision?”

Newt shrugs. “Your decision to make.”

“Not what I asked, sweetheart.” 

Newt bites his lip, then drops his eyes. “Kinda wish you’d come home to work. I wouldn’t have… I would’ve tried to have not gotten in your way.”

“I don’t believe for a second you would have,” Hermann murmurs reassuringly. “I know if I had asked you to find something else to do, or perhaps to kneel at my side quietly like a good boy, you would have. My decision to stay back late has nothing to do with your behaviour. I just wanted to be able to come home and not have to ask you to do either of those things, to be able to focus solely on you. Does that make sense?” 

“Yeah. Guess I… I overreacted. Fucked up.” 

“You did nothing of the sort.” Hermann sighs again and gently touches his cheek. “There’s no chance that you came home tonight, decided on the spur of the moment that I was staying back late because of something you had done, and immediately dropped. It doesn’t work like that. This has been building for some time now, and my not coming home just pushed you over. What I need to understand is why. Do you know?” 

More hard thinking. “This week,” Newt says. His head is beginning to clear a little, enough that he knows he has to admit his part in all of this. “It’s been… difficult.”

There’s a long pause. Newt looks away.

"It's been a long week," Hermann says finally. "Very long. For both of us. We've had a lot to adjust to and we've both been busy and tired and have had to prioritise accordingly. We knew this would be the case before we began this week."

Newt hangs his head. "I know. 'm sorry. Being selfish -"

Hermann gently lifts a finger to his lips. "Shh, no, sweet boy, that's not what I'm saying at all. My point is that we knew this week would be stressful - that I knew this week would be stressful for you. That without enough time to really keep an eye on you, I should have been completely alert for the first warning signs so we could handle anything before it became a problem. And I didn't."

"But you had to focus on you -" 

"And you. I'm your Dom, love, and I'm responsible for your welfare, particularly when things are stressful. I missed your warning signs and I'm furious at myself for doing so - those, if nothing else, I should have seen." 

Newt sighs. "It's my fault. I - I hid it."

"As much as you might have tried to hide how you were feeling, I'm usually still very capable of picking up on it -" 

"I have a severe public speaking phobia.” Newt says quietly. 

Hermann falls silent.

"That's what I hid," Newt murmurs after a few tense seconds. "I should have told you earlier."

Hermann sighs. He's pinching the bridge of his nose, and that's never ever good. "Yes, you should have," he says. "That way I would have been looking for the right thing. I would have seen that your lethargy last night was an indicator of a potential anxiety attack rather than just tiredness, and I could have acted accordingly. And now I understand how you dropped without a scene to cause the endorphin rush you would normally have been coming down from - you’ve been running on anxiety and adrenaline all week, and that’s a close enough substitute. You needed to be levelled out properly at the end of each _day_ , and being here tonight on your own with all of that built up, it’s no wonder you were hit so hard. You could have gone so much further, too, and I can only thank god that I got here while you were still responsive.”

Newt bites back a sob. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. 

Hermann’s hand comes up then and wipes a tear from Newt's cheek. "Lecturing you isn't helping anything right now," he says softly. “I'm sorry too - that’s a conversation for when you’re feeling better, not while you’re still upset. I just got… frightened.” Hermann shakes his head, scrubs a hand across his face, then turns his attention back to Newt. “I’m shelving it for forty-eight hours. Sunday night. We will talk. There will be a punishment for lying -" Newt makes a small sound and Hermann strokes his cheek. "Nothing more than you can handle, darling. You know that. I’m telling you in advance so you don’t feel like it’s sprung on you, but let's put it aside until then - now that I understand, I need to focus on taking care of you and levelling you out. How are you feeling?" 

"Tired. Sad. A bit lightheaded."

Hermann nods. “We need to stabilize your blood sugar. Milk is a good start, then something that won’t cause you to spike…”

"Shit," Newt says suddenly. "I - I didn't have dinner." He bites his lip. "More punishment."

Hermann shakes his head. "I've told you before that I won't punish you for things you say or do in distress. Sub drop definitely counts as distress." He stands up and Newt slowly does the same, still clutching his blanket. “Let's set you up on the couch and I'll sort something out for you to eat." 

"Not the couch," Newt says, then bites his lip again when Hermann looks at him. "Sorry. I will if that's where you want me."

"Where do you want to be?"

"Near you." 

"Okay," Hermann says, taking his hand. "Don't be scared, darling. I know things are a bit of a mess for you right now, but you can still ask for whatever you need, you know that. In fact, I need you to, now more than ever. Help me to help you.”

Newt nods, and silently follows Hermann to the kitchen. He’s still shaking, and he’s still cold, but at least the world makes sense again.

He ends up sitting on the bench, drinking a glass of milk while Hermann makes him a sandwich. Newt swears he can already feel his body reacting to the nutrients, aiding him in levelling out and settling his mood. His clarity of mind is returning quite fast, and even though there’s still two days until they need to seriously discuss this, Newt can’t put it away just yet. 

So when Hermann’s finished making his food and guides him to the couch to eat, Newt turns to him first and takes his hands. “I’m sorry,” he says, putting everything into the words to show that he’s both in his right state of mind and sincere. “I know I’m responsible for how I ended up. I know I deserve my punishment for it.”

Hermann squeezes his hands, hard. “Clarify something for me,” he says. “Why do you believe I’m punishing you?”

“Lying.”

Hermann exhales. It sounds like a sigh of relief. “Good,” he says. “I worried for a second there that you thought I was punishing you for dropping.”

Newt shakes his head. “The drop was kinda punishment in itself.”

That only seems to worry Hermann more. “Do you feel you’ve already been punished?” he asks. “I wouldn’t… you know I only punish you so you can learn and fix mistakes and make things better for yourself. If you’re already there, my punishing you further serves no purpose, and I will not punish for the sake of punishment." 

“I know not to do that again,” Newt says, “but I still feel like I deserve to be punished. I thought I was making your week easier by trying to deal with it myself and not give you more to worry about by trying to deal with me every day. But that’s not my right, because I willingly gave that right up. You’re my Dom - if it’s serious, I give it to you and we work something out together. The punishment needs to be from you to remind me that you are the one I trust.”

Hermann squeezes his hands again, this time softer. “I’m glad you understand that,” he says. “Let’s leave it here for tonight - we’ve shelved it, you’re still technically in drop, and the only thing I need to do is be as good and loving to you as I possibly can and make you feel better.”

Newt smiles. “I can handle that.”

“Good. Eat.” 

“Did you eat?” Newt asks before he takes his first bite.

“I did,” Hermann says, then smiles as Newt all but devours his sandwich. “Stay there for a moment,” he says, standing. “Keep eating. I’ll be back soon.”

Newt’s levelled enough that he doesn’t desperately need the reassurance, but it’s nice anyway. He sits and eats and focuses on how his mind is feeling - still weird around the edges, but mostly put back together. He knows he still needs a good night’s sleep - and probably far too much attention tomorrow - to get himself back to base level, but Hermann’s definitely proven his skills tonight. Newt’s dropped enough times with various past Doms, and he’s never had such a competent and quick recovery. 

Hermann returns just as Newt finishes eating, and he’s holding an orange, already peeled. Newt feels about five just looking at it, but he also feels _protected_ , and his heart does that stupid thing it always does when Hermann’s being too damn good to him. “Thanks,” Newt says and takes it.  

Hermann sits back down. “Bed after this, I think,” he says, and Newt nods. “You seem much calmer, but I know you know as well as I do that it doesn’t mean it’s over. As soon as you start feeling anything out of the ordinary, or if you need anything, you tell me immediately. That’s your standing order for the next twenty four hours.”

“Yes, Hermann.”

“Good boy,” Hermann murmurs softly.

Newt finishes his orange, then considers his knees for a bit. “Hermann?” he asks. “When that was all going on, you… um."

Hermann strokes the back of his neck gently, fingers brushing his collar. "Yes?"

"You called me -"

Then Hermann smiles. "Ah," he says softly. "Sweet boy?"

Newt nods, then ducks his head to hide his smile. 

Hermann chuckles gently. "I wondered if you caught that. It came up in my reading, as another commonly used term of endearment for some submissives, and I was quite fond of it. I’d been weighing it up for awhile, but I didn’t quite intend to bring it out just then, and then it just became natural. But if you liked it...?" 

Newt nods. There's a pause, and he glances up to see Hermann waiting for a verbal response. "Sorry. Yeah, I did."

Hermann brushes his fingers over Newt's cheek. "I wasn't certain about it. I know we don't play with age or anything like that, and I didn't want to make you feel demeaned in any way." 

"No. It doesn't... I like being yours. I like that you think of me like that." He blushes a little and fiddles with the hem of his shirt. "I like that you think I'm sweet." 

Hermann catches his hand, holds it tight. "Of course you are," he says softly. “You’re my sweet boy, my _good_ boy. I know you feel like you’re to blame for everything that’s happened tonight, but I don’t think so. You’ll accept your share of it and handle your punishment, and that’s what makes you good. You make mistakes, but they are always atoned for.”

As always, Hermann gets right to the heart of what Newt needs to hear. “Can we go to bed?” he asks quietly. “Kinda just want to be really close to you right now.”

“As if I could deny you that,” Hermann says, and stands, drawing Newt up with him. “Come on, then.”

“There’s not much you can deny me, is there?” Newt asks, a little cheekily, as Hermann switches off the lights and they head upstairs.  

Hermann rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “Very little,” he admits easily. “But you ask for so little, and nearly always for things I love to give.” They’ve reached the top floor and Hermann releases his hand, nudging him gently towards the bathroom. “Go ahead and get ready for bed.”

Newt does, Hermann taking his turn afterwards (the shared bathroom thing is just something they don’t do - Newt for modesty and repulsion reasons, Hermann because he prefers privacy for moments like those). When Hermann reenters the room, Newt’s already tucked up under the blankets, quite unable to resist them. “Bed’s warm,” he promises.

“As if it could be anything but, with you in it,” Hermann says, and switches off the main lights. “And you get to sleep in tomorrow - I know you can’t wait for that.” 

“I really can’t,” Newt says, watching Hermann get into bed, until Hermann switches off the lamp and Newt can’t see anything. Then he works by feel, finding Hermann and curling himself around him. “You’re the best Dom,” he murmurs. “And the best partner. And the best… everything.” 

“What a wonderful review,” Hermann says, and there’s not even the faintest trace of sarcasm. “And you,” he adds, smoothing his hand down Newt’s back, “are so, _so_ good. My sweet boy.”

Newt falls asleep with a smile on his face.

*** 

Forty-eight hours from when Hermann helped pick him up off the floor, Newt talks.  

He talks about the anxiety, the crippling fear that's attacked him all his life. How he had to learn to work through it, how he can now at least address a room of people - but how he still feels shaky and sick before and after doing it. How the prospect of a week of lectures made him want to vomit several times the last week. 

Then he takes a deep breath and talks about why he didn't admit it. Some of it he’s already said - about being worried for Hermann's own workload, worried that fussing over Newt would detract from his responsibilities. But he now has to admit how, most of all, how he'd been worried about what Hermann would do to try and make it better, how far he would go in his role of looking after Newt - especially if he decided that this was one of those cases where he couldn't be trusted to look after himself. Worrying if Hermann would insist on sitting in on his lectures or telling management that he couldn't handle his workload and Newt wouldn't have been able to handle that. He needed to be able to do it himself. 

And of course he knows most of the worry is groundless, he tells Hermann after almost fifteen minutes of straight talking. He knows if he had just brought it to Hermann, they would have sat down and talked it out and come to an arrangement that satisfied them both. But the worry is like the anxiety - always overruling his common sense. 

Hermann listens silently to the whole thing, then gives Newt three things.

One is a kiss, for his honesty. 

One is a promise, to never do anything like that without Newt's express consent. Newt doesn't need it, knows Hermann better than that (now that the awful week is over anyway), but is grateful for it anyway.

And one is his punishment. 

Hermann sits him down at the desk, a piece of paper and pen already in place. The page is numbered one through twenty, and there's a title. Newt reads it in silence. 

_Twenty reasons why Newton Geizler is an amazing teacher._

"I know anxiety isn't that easy," Hermann says, hands resting gently on his shoulders as he stands behind Newt's chair. "I don't expect you to write these out and never be frightened of speaking to a room of people again. But I want you to have something positive to take with you, something to focus on when the anxiety climbs too high. Something that you did for yourself."

Newt stares down at the page. It feels more daunting than a room full of people right now. "And if I can't think of any?"

"Not a single one? Not even your qualifications?"

Newt blinks, then nods. "Okay," he says, and writes down _qualifications_. "And I guess war experience is helpful?"

"Very."

That goes down too. It's followed surprisingly quickly by _teaching experience_ , _public speaking skills_ (he might be anxiety ridden over it, but he isn't bad at it), _genuine interest in the subject_ , and _access to rare Kaiji specimen_.

Then he stops and thinks for a bit. Hermann, now sitting next to him, doesn't offer any further suggestions. Newt detests this sort of thing… but that’s kind of the point. It’s punishment after all.

"Am I approachable?" Newt asks after awhile. 

Hermann smiles. "You certainly are."

Down that goes. _Keeps reasonable office hours that aren't on a Friday_ gets a quiet chuckle from Hermann (who does run office hours on a Friday), and it doesn't take long before he's adding _willing to stay behind to help struggling students_ , _knows when to end a class early_ , and _reads essays quickly_.   

Then Newt smirks. "Willing to work very closely with Doctor Hermann Gottlieb," he says. 

Hermann rolls his eyes. "Liases well with other professors," he says. 

Newt writes it down. "And I haven't set the midterm yet but it's gonna be reasonable requirements," he says. "I remember some of the ones I sat that were pure hell."

"Write it down," Hermann instructs. 

He does. "Um," he says, looking down. He feels strangely vulnerable trying to talk himself up - part of him is waiting for the catch, for Hermann to laugh or tell him that he’s none of these things, that there’s nothing wonderful about him and perhaps he shouldn’t be a teacher at all. But the rest of him knows damn well that Hermann would never do that, and keeps going. "People listen. When I talk."

"Commands a crowd," Hermann says with a smile. "Also you make necessary information interesting and not as dull to learn."

Newt writes them both down, smiling too. He does do that, and he can admit that he does it well.

Then he stares at the page for awhile, tapping his pen lightly on the desk. "Five more," he says with a sigh. It’s beginning to feel like he might be here all night.

Hermann opens the desk drawer and removes a sheet of paper, sliding it over the desk to Newt. "Some inspiration," he says quietly.  

Newt reads. 

_1\. Understands the pressure of a time-consuming field of study and is able to offer not only leniency but empathy to those who are struggling_

_2\. Is a friend as well as a teacher. Understands that studies this harsh leave little room for friendships and alienates people, and is willing to help fill that void if he can._

_3\. Is an inspiration to those who struggle with public speaking_

_4\. Has one of the greatest minds of the scientific community and can share it without it going over the heads of those listening_

_5\. Is one of the strongest and kindest people I have ever met, and never stops giving that to the world, no matter how much it has wronged him._  

Hermann's done the whole twenty (and then some, it seems), but Newt can't go any further. He takes off his glasses, wipes his eyes, then throws himself at Hermann and kisses him fiercely. "I love you so damn much," he whispers when they break apart. 

"I love you too, sweet boy," Hermann murmurs softly. He folds the pages together and picks up Newt's jacket from the hook, putting them in his pocket. "Will you read them the next time you're feeling anxious?" he asks.  

"I will."  

"Then I'll consider this punishment a success. And now it’s over.”

The last of the weight leaves Newt’s shoulders, as it always does when he successfully completes a punishment and gets to absolve all the guilt. “Thank you, Hermann,” he says.

“My pleasure.” Hermann draws him in for a gentle kiss, then just as gently pushes him away. “Now, go and get your lesson plans for this week. We’re going to give you as much ammunition against the anxiety as possible, and if that means I have to sit through _Biology_ lectures, then so be it.”

“I’m gonna pretend I didn't hear that snide tone,” Newt says haughtily, and goes to get his notes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was wary about this, because sub drop without actually coming out of a scene is something I’ve experienced but not something I was sure was an actual thing. Then I read about subs who’ve dropped after traumatic or stressful situations and it’s still considered sub drop, or them going into drop space which I think is the same thing, so I went with it. If it's not technically meant to be called sub drop, then I apologize but I hope it isn't too big a deal. I really just wanted to put Newt into something I've experienced and give him the Dom I didn't have to help level him out (because recognizing how low you've dropped and trying to level yourself out without a Dom [and when you're as subby as me] is really fucking difficult let me tell you).
> 
> More credit where credit is due - information about how to aid subs through sub drop came from here: http://www.rosecoloredasses.com/sirreal/FightingSubdrop.htm


	30. you're talking loud, not saying much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Wish I didn’t have to deal with them - because it’s gonna come up again, I know it is, and I’m gonna have to keep arguing. Not just with this lot, but with the rest of the world who think that sex is so damn normal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because if you’re ace, you’ve dealt with this shit probably more times than you can count.

“Aw, come on. Sex is the most natural thing there is!”

That’s about when Newt slowly begins to shut down.

He sure as fuck doesn’t let on though, just giving a weary sigh. “This is not about what you perceive as the common norm, Mr. Smith. This is about the comparisons of the Kaiju to the standard biological classifications and where they differ. The Kaiju did not reproduce.”

“So that means they’re not animals, right? I mean, biologically, they fail because of that?”

Fail. Fantastic.

“Asexuality has been recognised in the animal kingdom for some years now,” Newt says, willing his voice to stay strong. 

“Asexuality? Like asexual reproduction?”

Newt sighs again, remembering painfully that most of the world doesn’t have a _fucking clue_ unless they’re actually involved with this. “No. Asexuality like the sexual orientation of not being sexually interested in anybody.”

“That’s a fake word,” one of the girls calls out, and Newt - despite forgetting her name - vaguely remembers her as an English major. Just what he needs right now. “It’s been reappropriated to apply to a subgroup and holds no proper bearing by that definition.”

“I’m not getting into an argument with you about _words_ ,” Newt says. “I will just remind you that the word _selfie_ has been in the dictionary for less than fifteen years and is probably one of those most spoken words by everybody in this room. Nonetheless, an absence of sexual attraction _has_ been recognised in animals and humans alike -“ 

“So _that’s_ why my girlfriend won’t put out,” someone mutters, and there are titters of laughter around them.

“ - enough that a term has been coined to explain it,” Newt continues, ignoring them. He’s going to get through this, no matter what. “Whether the Kaiju had any sexual attraction or not is something we can neither answer nor should worry about. They were not _designed_ to have sex.”

“So that means they can’t be considered animals?”

“I do believe that is what you’re supposed to tell _me_ in your first essay. Compile your data - _all_ of it, bearing in mind what I’ve said today - and then make your own informed decision. _Yes_ , Mr. Smith?”

“If we say they’re not animals because we don’t agree with what you’ve said today, are you gonna fail us?”

“You know the rules perfectly well - argue it to the best of your ability and with intelligent reasoning, and you won’t be failed. I may be the leading expert on Kaiju, but my opinions are just that.” Newt checks the clock, then hits the button to end his PowerPoint. “Time’s up. Office hours are as usual, and I’ll see you in class on Thursday." 

He usually sticks around for a bit after his Tuesday classes for general discussion while he waits for Hermann to finish up, but today Newt’s packing up as fast as possible, making it clear to those approaching that he has somewhere else to be. He fobs them all off with a vague ‘meeting, sorry’ and gets the hell out of there. 

He’s not quite having a panic attack but there’s a strong chance that one might occur soon.

So he focuses hard on getting to his office, dialling his concentration down to putting one foot in front of the other and breathing. Those two tasks are enough to occupy him, only broken when he nods in acknowledgement to another professor. Then he’s unlocking the door, in his office, closing it behind him, and forcing himself not to sink to the floor and have a cry.

Instead, Newt sits down at his desk, watches the clock, and waits for it to tick over to twenty past, allowing five minutes for Hermann to return to his office. When it does, Newt picks up the phone and with surprisingly steady fingers dials Hermann’s extension.  

“ _Doctor Gottlieb speaking_ ,” comes his partner’s voice after a few seconds. 

“Hermann,” Newt says quietly.  

_“What’s happened?”_ Hermann asks immediately. 

“Please come.”

_“I am. Stay right there - don’t move, keep breathing, stay calm.”_

And Hermann’s gone. Newt carefully hangs up the phone, then folds his hands on the desk and stares down at them for a bit. He keeps breathing.

The door opens after a few minutes, then closes again and locks. Newt immediately slides off the chair and to the floor, to his knees. Hermann takes the chair, cupping Newt’s neck in his hand and guiding Newt to rest his head on Hermann’s knee. “Can you talk about it yet?” he asks, and Newt shakes his head. “Okay. Slow, deep breaths. Keep your focus on something tangible.” 

“Talk?” Newt asks. 

“Of course.”

Hermann talks. It’s about the class he’s just taught, and Newt tunes the words themselves right out, listening solely to the tone. Hermann’s voice is calm, composed, and in control. It promises safety, and the wild panic racing around Newt’s veins responds to it, settling his heart back down to a normal beat.  

The ignorance still exists outside these walls, but in here nothing can hurt him.  

Eventually Hermann stops talking, and Newt looks up. Hermann’s watching him, fingers still tracing along his collar, and he smiles a little when he catches Newt’s eye. “Feeling better?” he asks.

“Yeah. Panic attack averted.”

“I’m glad. Will you tell me about it now or later?”

Newt shrugs. Quietly and devoid of all emotion, he repeats the worst of the comments, how he responded, and how he felt. He doesn’t explain why he panicked as a result - but that much is obvious. Such a direct attack on his identity is enough to upset him every fucking time.

Hermann takes a very deep breath once Newt’s finished. “There are several things I would like to do in response,” he says slowly, “but all of them would draw undue and unwanted attention on you, thereby bringing to light why this is a sensitive subject for you. So I won’t - but rest assured, I would expel them all if it preserved your peace of mind.”

Newt smiles. The gesture is touching. “Thanks.”

“Do you need some words to help you remember that there is not a damn thing wrong with you? Because you know I can provide plenty.”

Newt’s smile grows. “Nah. Think I’m okay. I’m… as close to knowing that as I’ve ever been. It just gets under my skin sometimes, y’know? Especially when it comes out of left field. And it’s so easy to let myself believe what they’re saying, even though there’s research and evidence and my own intelligence telling me otherwise. That bit about it being a fake word though - that _seriously_ gets me pissed off. Language evolves to meet the needs of the people, and asexual people have a real fucking need for a word to try to explain to idiots like that who we are.” 

“The idiots won’t ever understand because they refuse to understand,” Hermann says. “Educating others is important, but it is not your job to withstand abuse whilst doing so. You did your best - and by your account, your manner and method were exemplary. If they think that sex is the most important thing out there, then I pity their future relationship partners. The ignorant will learn one day.” 

“I know. Just wish it were sooner. Wish I didn’t have to deal with them - because it’s gonna come up again, I know it is, and I’m gonna have to keep arguing. Not just with this lot, but with the rest of the world who think that sex is so damn normal.” 

Hermann strokes his hair. “I understand how hard it is to fight against what everybody else seems to think is normal. But you have enough confidence in your self worth to do so.” 

“There are a lot of bad days,” Newt has to remind him.

“There are progressively less of those,” Hermann reminds him right back. “A few months ago you would have had a full scale panic attack as a result of today’s events. It has upset you and I can understand that, but you have the tools to fight back against it.”

“Not sure how I would’ve coped if you weren't here,” Newt quietly admits.

“I believe you would have done fine,” Hermann says. “Perhaps you would have been a little more panicked without somebody to ground you, but you would have gotten through on your own. You know that, right?” 

“I guess. I know I’m better when you’re around.”

Hermann fixes him with one of his intense looks. “I can understand that, because having someone to support you always makes things easier. But I need to know that you do not believe that your confidence and coping mechanisms are tied up in me. I did not give you confidence, Newton. I gave you a healthy environment in which to grow in confidence yourself. If I left, you would not lose the progress you have made.” 

“I know,” Newt says quietly. “I don’t want to think about you leaving, but that’s not because I feel like I’d fall to pieces if you did. I don’t want you to leave because you make my life happier and I love you.”

Hermann smiles. “Those are the same reasons I stay. I don’t want to think about you leaving either.”

“I’m not planning on it.”

“Nor am I.”

“Good. Then if we’re not leaving each other, can we leave together?”

Hermann chuckles and stands, holding out a hand to help Newt to his feet. “Yes, of course. The floor at home is much more comfortable if you wish to continue kneeling - otherwise the couch is equally as comfortable, if not more so, if you’d prefer to be closer.” 

“What about the bed?” 

“Are you asking to take me to bed, Newton?”

Newt smirks. “Had to happen sometime.”

Joking makes it easier. Hermann knows that. 

Hermann takes him home and, after dinner, does take him to bed - both fully clothed, and with Newt’s wrists restrained, talking softly until Newt falls asleep. But it means just as much to them as anything else could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this story progresses and more elements of the D/s lifestyle start being incorporated, I’m interested to know whether there are any hard limits, per se, that any of you guys absolutely refuse to read about. You don’t have to explain why, of course, but I’d like to hear about them - mainly so I can put warnings in authors notes if I do ever tackle any of those topics, but also just out of interest because I know the readers of this story range from hardcore full-time BDSM lifestyle to zero interest in ever taking part in anything to do with BDSM, as well as ranging from very sexual to very non-sexual, and I’m curious what sorts of limits are out there.
> 
> And now I’m gonna plug myself - I’ve just started working on a fic series with Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics, where I’ve basically taken ace sub Newt and turned him into ace Omega Newt. For a dynamic that is incredibly sexual, I was curious about how someone would respond to being an asexual Omega who, mentally and emotionally, hates sex, but when their heat is happening their body craves it. It would be hell, and we all know I like putting Newt through hell. It’s also a chance for me to address some of the seriously fucked up elements of A/B/O. I understand a lot of people are turned away by A/B/O, and that’s fine, but it’s there if you’re interested.


	31. to you I'd leave it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're such an impulse buyer," Hermann says fondly. "Perhaps I need to start issuing you an allowance."
> 
> Newt tries to laugh, tries to act natural, and tries to pretend his brain hasn't just melted slightly at the idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the occasional parts of D/s that I’ve secretly adored the idea of for a long time now, and would absolutely sign up for if I had a Domme. I had to give it to Newt.

Newt is seriously considering proposing marriage to a pair of boots. 

They're out shopping, Hermann needing to pick up a few stationery necessities and Newt just along because hey, shopping, cool. There's no hurry as they walk through the mall hand-in-hand, occasionally pausing in front of shop windows - usually for Newt to try and convince Hermann to try something on, which is always refused. 

But this time he's ground to a halt in front of the Doc Marten window, staring longingly at the nicest pair of leather boots he's ever seen. And if Newt could put a ring on it, he seriously would. 

He tells Hermann as such, who just laughs. "They'll have to fight me for that right," he says. "I take it you're thinking of buying them?"

"Mind if I try them on?"

"By all means."

They head in, and only a few moments later Newt is slipping his feet into the boots of his dreams. He does a few paces around in them, then stops in front of Hermann. " _Hermann_ ," he says. 

Hermann smiles. "You like them, I gather?"

"They're perfect. _Perfect_." Newt sits back down and unties them - with reluctance, but knowing he needs to if he wants to buy them. "Do you like them?" he asks, a bit hesitant. 

"I do, quite. But aren't your others in perfectly good condition?"

"Yeah. _But_."

"You're such an impulse buyer," Hermann says fondly. "Perhaps I need to start issuing you an allowance."

Newt tries to laugh, tries to act natural, and tries to pretend his brain hasn't just melted slightly at the idea. 

Hermann isn't his Dom for nothing. He considers Newt for a moment, then touches his fingers to the back of Newt's collar, hidden under his shirt. "Buy the boots," he says quietly. "And when you're ready, we'll head home."

Newt buys the boots. He's definitely ready to head home. 

Because Newt recognised Hermann's tone - and it wasn't a bad one. In fact, it promised the kind of conversation where Newt always comes out feeling on top of the world. 

True to form, Hermann doesn't bring the topic up at all on the way home. He just sits back, going through his purchases to make sure he's got everything, and occasionally giving a quiet warning or reprimand for Newt's driving. Usually for excessive speed - but Newt just seriously wants to get home. Clearly Hermann knows that, as his rebukes are hardly stinging and never promising punishment. 

Hermann insists on putting everything away when they get home. Newt chooses instead to dump (gently) his shopping on the table and hover by it until Hermann returns. Then they sit down, and for a long moment Hermann surveys him. "Why don't you begin?" he suggests. 

Newt nods. He hesitates for a moment, thinking through how best to express himself, then pulls his wallet out of his pocket. "This is an expression of my interest to negotiate financial submission," he says, and slides it across the table to Hermann. 

Hermann doesn't pick it up - Newt recognises that he isn't going to until negotiations are complete, if he does at all - but he's smiling. "Accepted," he says. "I'm happy to negotiate. What were you thinking you'd like to have?"

Newt draws a blank. "Um. You... controlling my money?"

"Let me test the waters then," Hermann says. "If I told you I’ve changed my mind about allowing that purchase, that you had to take those boots back and return them, no questions asked, would you?"

Newt glances over at the box. "No," he admits - because they're negotiating, he has to be completely honest (and because it's a relationship, he has to be completely honest). "I would need a reason. If you thought they were too expensive or something, then I would submit to your decision. But if you just wanted to take something nice from me that you'd already allowed me to have, just to prove that you own my money..." He shrugs and shakes his head. "That'd be a safeword right there."

"Okay," Hermann says easily. "So we're not talking complete and unquestioning financial control. But if I were to take your cards away and pay you out a set sum from your wages every week, for you to spend as you chose...?"

Newt smiles a little. "Yeah. That I'd like."

"Are you asking for this more out of need or want?"

Newt shrugs. "Want, I guess. I'm not gonna bankrupt myself through impulse shopping, but some restrictions would probably help. Even though I know I can afford things, I always feel kinda guilty about anything I buy out of want. Knowing that I have a certain amount of money that's there for the sole purpose of buying whatever I want, instead of wondering whether I should be spending it on food or something, should help. Mainly, though, I just _like_ the idea - it feels like things are more controlled that way."

"You like control? Who would have guessed?" Newt sticks his tongue out and Hermann chuckles. "What sort of allowance were you thinking - how much a week?"

Newt considers that. Right now, their expenses are minimal. Newt pays for groceries, Hermann covers fuelling up the car (not that they drive much) and any other general expenses. Bills, rent and other household expenses are automatically deducted from their wages before they receive them, so they have very few financial concerns to worry about. 

That said, they also have no savings. After bolstering the failing K-Science budget with their own funds, they'd both just about been bankrupt. Thankfully they each received a significant war hero benefit that's gotten them through to their first pay checks, so neither one has struggled. But they still have nothing in emergency funds, and Newt considers that as he thinks about what he needs. 

"A hundred for food," he says eventually. "And then between lunches and impulse shopping... seventy-five?"

"I'm going to start you on two hundred," Hermann says. "We'll test run it for a month and see what you buy in that time and whether you have money remaining at the end of each week, and then figure it out from there. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you have a credit card?"

"Yeah. Multiple."

"I'd rather you didn't."

Newt shrugs. "I'm not particularly attached. If you're suggesting cutting them up - well, that's your right. They're yours now.”

Hermann flips open his wallet (still without picking it up, Newt notes, even though by now his terminology is decidedly… _decided_ ) and sorts through the cards. He pulls out three credit cards and lays them on the table, tapping each in turn. "Any outstanding payments on these?"

Newt shakes his head. "Paid them off with the war benefit."

"Good. What are the limits?"

"Five, seven, ten."

"Which one is the five?" Newt points, and Hermann picks up the other two. "Say goodbye," he says with a smirk, and Newt, rolling his eyes, mimes waving goodbye as Hermann puts them away to be cut up later. "Ideally you won't need to use this one, but I refuse to leave you without emergency funds."

"Not comfortable with complete financial domination either?"

Hermann shakes his head. "I trust you," he says, "but monetary matters aren't just down to you and whether you follow orders or not. Emergencies happen, and sometimes you just need more than you budgeted for."

"Oh," Newt says suddenly. "Shit. Should've negotiated that earlier."

"We're still in negotiations. What is it?"

"Couple of times a year I'll need a bit extra."

"Of course. Christmas?"

"Christmas, your birthday, Tendo's birthday, our anniversary... do we do Valentine's Day?" 

Hermann smiles. "We do if you want to. Personally I'd prefer a date over gifts." 

"Same. But yeah. Other than that, I'm happy."

Newt watches as Hermann thinks things over, then nods. "I'm satisfied with the terms. One month trial - and within that time, if you find that you're unhappy with the arrangement, you need only let me know. If it goes well, we'll write it into our contract at the end of the trial period with any adjustments we deem necessary. For those times that you'll need additional funds, we'll sit down a few weeks ahead of time and hypothesise what you'll need - or you'll put it on your credit card and I'll pay it back out of your account. Nothing more to add?"

Newt shakes his head. "Don't think so."

Hermann picks up the wallet, sealing the deal, and removes Newt's debit cards and cash. "You won't need anything else today?" he asks, Newt shaking his head again. "Good. I'll give you your allowance on Sundays for the week ahead, so you'll receive the first lot tomorrow. I'll withdraw it from your account, but another thing we should consider during the trial is whether we wish to open a joint account."

Newt feels kind of stupidly happy about that. "Sorry," he says as Hermann frowns at him curiously - clearly his stupid happiness had been obvious. "Just remember something I heard somewhere - apparently a joint bank account is as good as getting married."

Hermann smiles. "I did say I'd fight to be the one to put a ring on your finger."

"You were planning on fighting a pair of boots."

"Semantics, darling." Hermann hands him back his wallet, now much lighter. "Neither of us are ready to be married yet, but I can assure you that I am fully prepared to marry you one day... if that is what you wish."

Newt's about to argue and point out that it isn't just about what _he_ wants, when he catches what the nuance really means. "In your eyes," he asks cautiously, "can I still be your sub if I'm your husband?" 

"Absolutely."

Hermann's tone holds so much conviction - as if he's not only reassuring the both of them but promising dire consequences for anybody who tells him otherwise - that Newt grins. "Good. That's how I feel too. I know some subs can't handle the thought of marriage because it seems too equal, and that’s cool, I understand - but I'm not one of them."

"I'm glad." Hermann pulls out his own wallet and tucks Newt's cards away. "Nothing else to negotiate while we're here?"

"Money and marriage are more than enough for one day."

"Very true. And I know you're dying to take those boots over to Tendo's so you can both waste an hour staring at them."

"Damn right." Newt leans over, steals a kiss, then jumps to his feet and grabs the box. "Maybe two hours. I'll be back at five to cook dinner."

That last statement is really more of a question, and Hermann nods. "Go ahead. I have credit cards to cut up." 

"You're gonna enjoy that way too much aren't you?"

Hermann smiles. "Off you go," he says. 

The last thing Newt sees as he heads for the door is Hermann pulling out a wicked looking pair of scissors, his grin just a little too eager for Newt's liking. 


	32. and you know we're on each other's team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Not bad,” Tendo says languidly, arms behind his head as he stares up at the roof in contentment.
> 
> Hermann snorts. “Thank you so much,” he says, and Tendo knows he’s rolling his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked some time back for some Tendo/Hermann focus. I don’t enjoy writing sex, but here’s some stupid post-sex banter. This is also the beginning of a prompt for MoiraColleen involving shibari, which is going to take three chapters to complete, so consider this part one of that. Warning for mentions of bad/abusive BDSM scenarios - and a mention of the Fifty Shades trilogy.

“Not bad,” Tendo says languidly, arms behind his head as he stares up at the roof in contentment.

Hermann snorts. “Thank you so much,” he says, and Tendo knows he’s rolling his eyes. 

“My pleasure. And yours, I’m sure.”

“If that’s your way of asking whether I’m satisfied for the foreseeable future, then the answer is yes.”

Tendo sits up, glances at Hermann - who does look rather satisfied, he’s happy to note - and winks. “Good to hear. Can’t have Newt criticising my work.”

Another eye roll. “Are you done being smug about your sexual expertise? I would rather like to shower.”

Tendo waves his hand grandly towards the bathroom. “By all means,” he says. 

Hermann heads to the bathroom. Tendo can see the smile playing at his lips, and he grins himself as the door closes. 

Tendo enjoys (nearly) every single one of his sexual partners, and Hermann is no exception. 

Yeah, sure, the whole _this is your best friend’s partner and Dom and you’re gonna have sex with him_ thing had taken a little getting used to, and yeah, Tendo had spent the days after the first few times terrified that everything would fuck up and fall apart between him and Newt. And, okay, fine, he might have deliberately set out to _not_ enjoy having sex with Hermann, to just treat it as something he was doing for Newt and take no personal pleasure out of it at all.

But Tendo can’t do that.

For one, he likes Hermann. He’s always liked Hermann, always gotten along with him, and is now actually calling him a good friend. He gets along with Hermann even better now that he’s dating/Domming Newt - not just because they’ve got the shared conversation starter of Newt’s general wellbeing, but because Tendo respects the fuck out of anybody who makes Newt smile as much as Hermann does. And Hermann seems to have the same respect for the role Tendo plays in Newt’s life too. 

Above that, though, they really _do_ just get along. They talk easily, poke fun at one another, and have some pretty damn decent sex. That’s about all Tendo needs to enjoy spending time with somebody (sex optional, of course. He has way more fun with Newt than any of his sexual partners, after all).

Newt likes that they get along too, Tendo knows that. Newt’s been worried for ages now about Hermann’s lack of friends - even though they both know Hermann’s the type to be perfectly fine on very few meaningful friendships, Newt had panicked a little, particularly near the end of Shatterdome life, about the thought that he might be Hermann’s _only_ friend. It’s better now that Hermann has colleagues and other people to spend his time with, but the friendship between Hermann and Tendo had also been a welcome relief. 

It’s a relief to all of them, in fact. The strange little ball of scrambled relationships they’ve found themselves in is odd enough without any divisiveness between any of them. 

Hermann emerges from the bathroom, dressed and with neatly combed hair. Tendo, still sitting in bed - hell, it’s his bed and he’s just gonna go to sleep once Hermann leaves, no way is he getting presentable - watches him get his things together, then smiles when Hermann sits back on the edge of the bed. “How are your classes going?” Hermann asks.

“I’ve got a hellraiser,” Tendo says, smirking. “Argues about _everything._ Won’t let a single fact go unchallenged. Went twenty minutes over time on Thursday dealing with him.”

Hermann raises an eyebrow. “Do you need me to call him in for a word?”

“Are you kidding? He’s my favourite student. Caught me out on three points, made me rewrite a couple of exam questions, and I’ve given him extra credit. He’s gonna go so damn far. Just because all of your classes are silent with the occasional _yes, Doctor Gottlieb_ thrown in for good measure -“

“I’ll have you know that debates in my classes are common and vigorous,” Hermann says. 

“The hell is there to argue about in _code_?”

“Modern versus traditional methods?” Tendo just shrugs. “Think about Mako and Aleksis and their famous arguments comparing the Mark I’s to the Mark V’s.”

“Gotcha. Are you a Mako or an Aleksis?”

“I like to see both sides of the argument, naturally, but considering my preferred method of compiling notes is by chalkboard…”

Tendo laughs. “Enough said. You’re enjoying being back into teaching, then?”

“Immensely so. I spent years talking at people who respected my intelligence, no matter how grudgingly, but had no idea what I was speaking about. Now I have people who think they understand, but will learn quickly when they receive their exam results that they don’t.”

“I’m gonna sit in on one of your classes one of these days and see how many of them you make cry in a lesson.”

Hermann just smiles. “Are you going to be a good host and make me coffee?”

Tendo glances pointedly down at himself. “Do I have to get dressed?”

“You own a dressing gown."

“Yeah, but I much prefer to wander around naked.”

Hermann rolls his eyes, ducks into the bathroom, and returns with Tendo’s dressing gown. “Newton will be by in fifteen minutes, and the very last thing he wants is to walk in on you undressed.”

That’s a fair point. Tendo puts the dressing gown on and follows Hermann out to the kitchen. “How’s Newt doing with his classes?” he asks as he sets the coffee maker going, pulling out three mugs. Newt likes his coffee almost tepid anyway, it’ll be a good temperature when he arrives.

“Better now,” Hermann says. “He’s settling in, and now that I know about the anxiety I can keep a closer eye on him.”

“Good. God, I nearly smacked him one when he told me what he went through because of his stubbornness.”

“No need. I… handled it.”

“I know.” Newt sees Hermann’s eyebrows raise, and raises his own. “Yeah, of course he tells me about punishment. And before you ask, no, I don’t get it, but I know it’s consensual and it helps Newt and you’re doing it right, so far be it from me to judge. But I’m personally kinda glad you don’t actually… y’know, smack him one or anything.”

“Not my style,” Hermann says wryly. 

“Has it been before?” Tendo asks, leaning on the counter. He’s genuinely curious.

“It has never been my preferred method of punishment, but yes, I have had submissives who have required and wished for corporal punishment.”

“What’s that like? Hell, what’s it like in general? Being the one to mete out punishment?”

Hermann shrugs. “It has its difficult times,” he admits. “The first time I punished Newton was painful. He cried. But when it was over, when I saw how much happier he was and the sheer relief that he no longer had to carry around unnecessary guilt - well, I can’t regret that.”

“So you don’t… well, get off on it, or anything?”

“No,” Hermann says firmly. “Causing somebody pain, whether it be physical or emotional, is not something I… _get off on_. Others might, and that’s their method and their right, but I am not one of them. I do not enjoy making Newton write essays or silencing him. What I _like_ is being in control, and knowing that my control is doing good and helping. Instructing Newton to complete a punishment and knowing that at the end of it he will feel better, _that_ is what I like.”

Tendo nods, but he's still a bit confused. “Okay, I get that you don’t enjoy punishing Newt, but there is a place for playing with pain, isn’t there?”

“There is.”

“Not a thing either?”

Hermann shrugs slightly. “Again, I’ve had submissives who have wanted to play with pain. It’s more about their response to it than my personal preference - obviously if I felt strongly one way or the other, it would be different, but for me it is just a means to an end. If the person I’m with is enjoying the pain, then I enjoy that they’re enjoying it. I’m happy to provide pain, because at least then I know it’s under my control and able to be stopped as soon as necessary, but it isn’t a dealbreaker if I’m with a submissive that doesn’t play with pain. For me, personally, it is about the control, about having them follow my orders and receive satisfaction out of it. That is what I enjoy, and however it needs to come about all works the same for me.”

“Sweet. Didn’t peg you as a sadomasochist, but even if you were I’m sure you’d treat it the same way you treat the sex - it doesn’t happen if it upsets Newt.”

“He’s my priority,” Hermann says quietly. 

Tendo smiles. “Yeah, I had gathered that,” he says, turning away to pour the coffee.

Hermann clears his throat. “I must say, you are oddly well educated in the intricacies of BDSM for somebody who has no interest in it.”

Tendo chuckles sheepishly, sitting down and handing Hermann a mug. “Yeah. So… I kinda read the _Fifty Shades_ trilogy.”

“Oh, _lord_ ,” Hermann mutters.

“Uh-huh. So then I kinda ran to Newt in a panic and asked what the fuck he was doing letting people do that shit to him. So then _he_ sat me down and talked for probably two hours straight about everything that’s misrepresented in those books and what the lifestyle is meant to be like and that the whole relationship is just abusive, not just the BDSM elements. He explained that yeah, some Doms aren’t good and are like the one that was portrayed in those books, but that’s not how they’re meant to be. Safe, sane, consensual?”

“It’s just so important,” Hermann says quietly. “There are many couples out there who engage in far deeper levels of the BDSM lifestyle than Newton and I ever would. There are many submissives who give up everything for their partner - their job, their family, their _name_ … and their safeword. There are Dominants who whip their submissives bloody for fun. But it must always, _always_ be done with consent, with safety as the priority, and with the Dom always keeping a clear mind. And for those who do it right, it works. The submissive being beaten for the pleasure of their Dom is getting their own level of pleasure out of it, whether they are actively enjoying the pain or high off knowing what enjoyment they are bringing to their Dom. The Dominant who has a submissive in a Total Power Exchange situation will always be checking in very closely during scenes - they have no safeword, but they always have an out, and the Dom will always make sure they get it if they need it. They are cared for and loved. Safe, sane, and very consensual. Always consensual. Or else it is abuse.”

“And this is why you’re the first and only Dom I’ve ever fully trusted with Newt.”

Hermann stops for a moment and meets his eyes. “That means a great deal,” he says quietly. “I plan on never losing that trust.”

“Good.”

There’s another companionable silence for a moment, Tendo partially mulling over the information he’s been given - Newt didn't tell him a great deal about the Total Power Exchange stuff, and he’s kind of curious to know more - when Hermann clears his throat once more. “Before Newton arrives… I need to ask something of you. A favour of sorts.”

“Fire away.”

“Are you familiar with shibari?”

Tendo slowly raises an eyebrow. “Is this BDSM stuff?”

“Yes.”

“Wait. You want a favour, from me, to do with BDSM stuff? Hermann, that crosses _several_ lines here.”

Hermann looks worried. “I had hoped we could do it in a way that wouldn’t.”

Tendo sighs. “Tell me the request, and whatever this shibari is, and I’ll see what I can do.”

“Shibari is a form of bondage,” Hermann begins. “It originated from the 1400’s as a means of restraining prisoners who required respect. Later, it became erotic. It is art. The ropes are arranged to flow with the body, to secure but to also be beautiful. For many, it relaxes them, and it can put some into subspace, or close to a trance.” Hermann smiles a little. “I’ve seen videos of some of the models after the scene is finished - they refer to the expression on their faces as ‘rope drunk’. It looks incredible.”

Tendo’s seriously intrigued. “This is the kind of thing people video?”

“As I mentioned, it’s art. Unfortunately most of it features mostly naked women, but…” Hermann finds his phone, scrolls through it, then hands it over. “I don’t know what you’ll see in that. I know this doesn’t appeal to you at all.”

Tendo stares at the picture for a long moment, at the intricate weaving of ropes and the look of such clear peace on the woman’s face, then slowly nods. “It is beautiful,” he says quietly. “You want to do that to Newt?”

“If he wishes - and I’m certain he does. I’ve put him in subspace quite a number of times and he takes great pleasure from it. Shibari is erotic but it does not have to be sexual. And…” Hermann looks a little sheepish, slightly embarrassed. “The idea of seeing him like that, it is truly beautiful.”

Tendo smiles. “So where do I come into it?”

“I’ve never done it before. Neither has Newton. I want to surprise him with it. And, while there are many things we learn together, I do not want this to be one of them. This needs to be done properly and effectively, and without me fumbling through it and being unsure of what I’m doing. To do even the most simple of scenes, I need practice - and practice on someone who doesn’t get pleasure drunk off it, and who isn’t too afraid to tell me if something feels wrong.”

“Newt wouldn’t -“

“Newton would. Of course he wouldn’t continue if the whole thing felt bad, but if just one part of it was making him uncomfortable he would continue on for the sake of the rest… and for me.”

Tendo nods. “Okay. Then… well, look, I’ve been in handcuffs and shit before and it did nothing for me. Didn’t turn me on, but didn’t freak me out or anything either. So that’s all fine. But would Newt be okay with this? I imagine you’re not telling him that we’re practicing -“

“Of course I’ll tell him,” Hermann interrupts firmly. “There is absolutely no way I would do this without his consent. I will just need to evade explaining exactly what it is.”

Tendo thinks it over for a minute. “Alright,” he says. “If Newt agrees, then I’m in. It’s to make him  happy, after all. But, um… I reserve the right to back the fuck out if I do end up having some kind of adverse reaction to this, yeah?”

“Absolutely,” Hermann says, smiling a little. “I am a rather good Dom, Tendo. I know how to call things to a halt if it’s not going well.”

“I deeply apologize,” Tendo says solemnly. “I didn’t mean to question your Domminess.”

Hermann sighs. “Newton told you that word, didn’t he?”

“Said he got some pretty good reactions out of you from it, yeah.”

Hermann mutters something about it _definitely not being a word_ , but there’s a knock at the door before he can continue that train of thought any further. Tendo jumps up, opens the door, and steps aside, letting Newt in. He closes the door, turns around, and for a second there’s silence.

Painful, awkward silence. 

And this is the one thing that Tendo thinks might never go away.

Then Newt smirks at Tendo’s hair, Tendo rolls his eyes back at him, and Newt messes it up more before heading over to kiss Hermann. Tendo retrieves Newt’s coffee and brings it over, sitting down as Hermann finishes checking in on Newt. He mock-gags when they kiss, and Hermann smirks at him, before making some comment about Newt’s tepid coffee that results in Newt sticking his tongue out at him. 

Yeah, that one second of awkward silence might never go away, but what comes immediately after it is a much better indication of how everybody involved deals with the situation - healthily, and happily, with the knowledge that there’s enough love in this room to overcome any obstacles. 

They all chat for a bit - but not long. This part is important, having all three together and making sure there’s no resentment or unspoken emotions going on, but Tendo knows that Newt needs to get Hermann on his own before too long. He sure as fuck doesn’t blame Newt for being ‘needy’ (his words, never Tendo’s) on these nights, and besides, Tendo always tends to get sleepy after sex. He’s looking forward to getting back to his bed. 

“Before we go,” Hermann says to Newt, once they’ve all started making motions towards saying goodbye, “there’s something I need to ask you.”

“Yeah?”

Hermann glances at Tendo, who nods. “Well,” Hermann begins, “I’ve been speaking to Tendo about something I have planned for you. Something new, something I think you’ll love.”

Newt’s all wide-eyed eager anticipation already - it’s adorable. “What is it?”

“A secret,” Hermann says, and Newt pouts. “A good one, I promise. But… well, here’s the tricky part. It isn’t something I can just do with you. It requires practice.”

Newt looks at Hermann, then slowly turns to look at Tendo. “Oh,” he says quietly. 

Hermann takes his hands. “Before I ask you how you feel about it, these are my promises to you if you say yes. I will not dominate Tendo - I will simply go through the motions of what I wish to do to you, with no orders, no emotional connections. It will mean nothing to me apart from practicing. I can also assure you that Tendo will derive no pleasure from it.”

Newt looks at Tendo, who nods. “Happy to help, because Hermann’s told me enough that I know you’re gonna _adore_ it. But it’s gonna do nothing for me. I’ll probably laugh my whole way through it.”

Newt relaxes a little. “Well… yeah, okay. I trust you both. And it sounds too damn good to pass up.”

Hermann kisses him. “I’m glad you agreed. Practicing on Tendo is necessary, but actually doing it for you… I can’t wait.”

Newt smiles. Then it turns into a smirk as he looks at Tendo. “ _I’m never ever gonna go near any of that D/s shit, Newt,_ ” he mimics. 

Tendo rolls his eyes. “The only reason I’m doing this is because Hermann _expects_ me to not like it.”

“I’m gonna owe you another fruit basket if this is phenomenal, aren’t I?”

“Another one? What did I earn the first one for?”

Hermann laughs. “Newton’s in the process of knitting me a scarf,” he says. “I showed my appreciation for his thoughtfulness.”

“You’re welcome,” Tendo says with a grin, which quickly turns into a yawn. “Alright, are you two leaving or what? Wanna go to bed.”

“Need someone to tuck you in?” Newt asks with a smirk.

Tendo flips him off. “I don’t know how you put up with such a brat,” he says to Hermann.

“I have my ways,” Hermann says, taking Newt’s arm as they stand. “Generally restraints and gags are an immense help.”

“Newt,” Tendo asks, very seriously, “now that I’m experiencing BDSM for your benefit, can I gag you too?”

Newt smirks. “Honey, you wouldn’t know what to do with me in a position like that.”

Hermann swats his arm. “Behave,” he admonishes. “Looks like I need to get you home and settle you down.”

Newt looks fucking thrilled about the prospect. Tendo shakes his head, smiling. “You two are insane. Love you both - now leave.”

Newt blows him a kiss. Hermann, rolling his eyes, tightens his grip and marches Newt out. Tendo would be worried if they weren’t both smiling - and seriously in love. The best kind of love, that leads to the best kind of consensual activities. 

Resolving not to think any further on his best friend’s BDSM activities, Tendo goes to bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I understand that some people may dislike the idea of Hermann practicing on Tendo, that it may cross a line for some people even with the assurance that it will not become intimate or sexual, and I totally respect that. If you are one of them, I suggest you simply skip the next chapter and go on to the one following it, which will be the actual shibari scene. All you’ll really miss in terms of dialogue is Hermann trying to familiarize Tendo further with certain aspects of BDSM such as how Newt feels in subspace.


	33. there's a power in what you do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tendo just has to laugh. “This is just like putting together IKEA furniture,” he teases as Hermann sets up his tablet on the bedside table. “You think it’s easy, and then you try to put the first pieces together and something snaps - and it’d better not be my arm.”
> 
> Hermann arches an eyebrow and puts Tendo’s arm back to how he had it before. “If you can’t keep still, it might be,” he says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned last chapter, if you have reservations about Hermann practicing shibari on Tendo, this is the chapter to skip. This is a good point to mention how little I know about shibari, so my descriptions are vague and based solely on intense study of beautiful photos. Brief past drug use mention, just in case that’s a warning needed. 
> 
> If you follow me on Tumblr, you'll know I dropped off the face of the earth for a little bit for mental health reasons (not that I specified it over there either, but you can pretty much be sure if I’m on hiatus it’s because my mental health is in a fucking state). Apologies for the delay on this chapter, and if it’s off at all - I tried hard to get my head in the right space to write it, but it ended up being a lot shorter and different to how I had planned. I’m sorry.

Hermann shows up right on time with a black bag and a nervous expression.

Tendo lets him in, shuts the door, then turns to him, eyebrow raised. “Changed your mind?”

“I’m worried." 

“What about?”

“If this is okay. If I should be doing this on anybody but Newton. And if… if I’m going to enjoy it more than I should.”

Tendo sits down and gestures for Hermann to do the same. “I can’t answer that for you, but I can answer it for me. Newt’s agreed to this - he knows it’s something you’ll enjoy when you do it with him but that with me it’s just practice. Clinical. I’m okay with that because I know Newt is. And I kinda figured you’d enjoy it a bit, but you also said that most of the pleasure comes from seeing the person… what was it? Pleasure drunk?”

Hermann nods. “But there is still enjoyment from the art of it.”

“Uh-huh. I don’t see any harm in that. You can look at what you’ve created and think that it looks great, and that doesn’t mean you’re betraying Newt in any way. I’m just the dressmakers dummy,” he adds with a wink. “You make all the mistakes on me so it’s perfect on Newt." 

“What if you start enjoying it?”

“Slim chance. But if I do, and if it feels wrong for you to continue, then we stop. I’m not gonna be putting myself in a… headspace?” Hermann nods. “Yeah, I won’t be in the kind of headspace that I think Newt will be in. I’m gonna spend the whole time talking to you, lights are gonna be on, and you’re gonna fuck it up a few times. If I do reach a point where I start enjoying it, it means you’ve got it perfect and you can untie me and go do it to Newt.”

Hermann smiles. “Despite my worries, I truly doubt you will like it all that much - and you certainly won’t like it as much as Newton will.”

Tendo leans forward a little. “Tell me what Newt’s gonna feel when he’s like this?” he asks. “I’ve asked him before, he just kinda gets dreamy and says it’s the best feeling in the world.”

“Even I can’t fully explain it,” Hermann says. “I’ve seen it, but never experienced it, and apparently it’s very difficult to describe. The closest Newton’s ever gotten to putting it into words is comparing it to that moment when you wake up in the middle of the night and instead of immediately going back to sleep you just lie there for awhile, not so much by choice but because you’re just not able to go back to sleep quite yet. Not that it bothers you, not in that state. You’re warm and comfortable and relaxed and you know you’re safe where you are and there’s no cause for alarm. Not really awake, but not quite asleep. Not bothered by anything. Aware of where you are, but it all feels a bit unreal around the edges because it could quite easily be a dream.” Hermann smiles a little. “And then apparently it’s a hundred times better than that. While Newton is prone to exaggeration, I’ve seen his expression when I’ve taken him fairly high before. It is absolutely far more than he describes.”

“No wonder he loves it,” Tendo says quietly. “Damn, I really wish it actually did that for me now. It sounds real nice.”

“That’s how Newton feels about wishing he enjoyed sex.”

Tendo processes that, then nods. “Then I’m really glad he’s got something that makes him feel amazing. Everybody deserves that.”

Hermann smiles, then unzips the bag and pulls out a long coil of rope. “Shall we get started?”

“Just so you know, at least three people know my current location, and if they don’t hear from me by 6pm tonight they have been alerted to contact the police. Just in case your motivations aren’t quite as innocent as you claim and you’re actually gonna tie me up and then murder me.” 

Hermann raises an eyebrow. “You’ve really contacted people?” 

“No. It sounded good, though.”

“Newton’s expecting me for dinner,” Hermann says, uncoiling the rope, “so I don’t have time to murder you tonight. Maybe next week.” 

“Next week doesn’t quite fit into my schedule,” Tendo stands up and heads for the bedroom, undoing his tie as he walks. “Shirt off, I'm guessing."

“If you wouldn't mind?”

Tendo winks at him as he sits on the edge of the bed. “I think by now you know how much I ‘mind’ taking my clothes off.”

He takes the shirt off and throws it over the back of a chair, then lies back. Hermann, rope in hand, surveys him for close to a minute. “I’ll practice the basic knots first,” he says, and steps forward. “I’ve tried them out, but not on a person. And this will give you time to get used to being tied up before we go on to the ones where you can’t get out.”

“Talk dirty to me, baby,” Tendo says, smirking hard. 

Hermann rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling just a little. “You are going to make it very easy for me to not enjoy this, aren’t you?”

“That’s the plan. Also to inform you, loudly, if you’re hurting me.”

“Good,” Hermann says, and lifts his arm, bending it gently so his hand rests on his shoulder. He looks Tendo over for a moment, then frowns. “I might need that guide after all.” 

Tendo just has to laugh. “This is just like putting together IKEA furniture,” he teases as Hermann sets up his tablet on the bedside table. “You think it’s easy so you throw out the rules, and then you try to put the first pieces together and something snaps - and it’d better not be my arm.” 

Hermann arches an eyebrow and puts Tendo’s arm back to how he had it before. “If you can’t keep still, it might be,” he says.

“Is that how you talk to Newt?”

“No. Newton’s a good boy, he doesn’t need threats of broken limbs to stay still and behave.” 

The first brush of rope against Tendo's skin is interesting, but it’s not enough to detract from his question. “That’s something that surprised me,” he says. “The whole _good boy_ thing - I know Newt hates being demeaned or treated like he’s a child.”

Hermann nods, eyes on the ropes. “By colleagues and superiors, certainly. And I don’t treat him like a child - age play isn’t an area that either of us are too fond of. But I’ve found a common experience with submissives is that calling one a good boy or girl is generally just a way of praising their level of submission. It’s not demeaning them, but recognizing that they are voluntarily in a position of lower power and… and cherishing that.”

“Huh. Hermann?” 

“Yes?” 

“Should I be able to feel my fingers right now?” 

Hermann stops, then begins unwinding the rope. “Let’s start over.” 

*** 

“You can breathe fine?” Hermann asks anxiously during their second session as he finishes the knot in the middle of Tendo’s chest.  

Tendo mimes gasping for air, then laughs when Hermann’s eyes go wide. “Yeah, I’m all good.”

“You are a horrible person,” Hermann informs him, and moves on to restraining his arm.

*** 

“Does any of this shit go near my throat?” Tendo thinks to ask on the third night. “Because you haven't given me a safeword but that’s about the point I’d use it.” 

“Shoulders only,” Hermann says. “Here, I’ll show you. On your knees.”

“Kin _ky_ ,” Tendo says, and sits up, shifting to kneel in the middle of the bed. Hermann rolls his eyes. “Seriously, though,” Tendo says as Hermann loops the rope over his shoulder and sets to work on a knot, “the whole kneeling thing? No judgement and all that, but who’s that for?” 

“Both of us. Just like everything we do is. For Newton, it’s about a feeling of safety. He likes being near the ground, it makes him feel… well, grounded. And he likes being at my feet, because he feels safe there and he knows his place - and no, that isn’t me saying he doesn’t deserve to sit at my level. But when he’s on the ground, there’s nothing expected of him. He is who he is, and it’s all very soft and simple and sweet.”

“And you?”

Hermann smiles. “There’s very little I love more than having Newton happy and cared for at my feet. When he’s content, I know I’m doing a good job.”

“Makes sense." Tendo looks down at the ropes over his shoulders and grins. “Hey, suspenders!”

Hermann hits him.

*** 

It takes three weeks and six sessions until the afternoon where Hermann finishes the final knot, surveys him for a long moment, then nods. “I think this is it.”

He reaches for the scissors, but Tendo stops him. “Gimme a minute?” he asks, and Hermann nods curiously. Tendo closes his eyes and searches for the feelings Hermann’s tried to explain can come from this. 

“What are you feeling?” Hermann asks after a bit.

“Dunno. Kinda relaxed. Definitely… secure.” Tendo opens his eyes and smirks. “But I’m sure as fuck not taking any of your orders.”

“You’re not high either,” Hermann agrees, and starts removing the ropes. “Relaxation is what Newton feels from simply wearing his wrist cuffs. I expect him to soar from this.”

“See, when I think of high, I think of drugs,” Tendo says. “I’ve seen Newt high before, and it’s very different to the picture you paint here.”

Hermann nearly drops the scissors. Tendo winces and waits for an outburst, thinking he’s dropped Newt in it now, but instead he gets a look of undisguised curiosity. “What was he like?” he asks. 

Tendo laughs. “On weed, he was pretty chill, but still kinda twitchy. Did that a few times to relax after attacks, back in the early days when we actually got a break,” he adds, since Hermann looks like he’s about to ask. “I haven’t gotten high in years, and I’m pretty sure Newt hasn’t either - though for him it’s probably because he’s been scared off.” 

“Why?” 

“We did mushrooms once. He had a bad trip. Panic attacks.”

Hermann’s quiet for a bit. “That’s a risk with this too,” he admits quietly as he cuts away another knot. “This is more intense than anything we’ve ever done, and if something goes wrong and he starts feeling unsafe or drops from the high too quickly, he’s going to panic hard.”

“That ever happened?”

“No, thankfully. He’s tapped out of a couple of scenes, but that’s mainly because sometimes being gagged ends up triggering his gag reflex - that isn’t so much of a panic situation. Bondage has never caused him to panic. But that doesn’t mean it will always be that way.”

Tendo nods. “And what do you do if it does?”

“Get him out of it if I can without making it worse or making him fall fast. If I can’t, try to isolate what is causing the panic - if he goes nonresponsive then that can be difficult. Reassurances of safety, of course… and then whatever else I can do to try and help him. But that’s why I’m practicing now. Even though you aren’t responding as Newton would, I’m figuring out where to take breaks, where to check in, and if he’s calm at one point and not at the next, what to undo.”

“Ah. So it’s not just the knots you’ve been practicing?”

Hermann shakes his head. “I won’t put Newton in this type of restraint until I know how to get him out of it if it goes badly. He’s going to be giving me more control than ever before - usually if he panics in some way, he’s able to help with calming himself down or verbalising what’s wrong. When he’s this far gone, it will all be on me. He trusts me to take him to great heights; I need to know I can trust myself first.”

“When you say gone…?”

Hermann smirks a little. “I won’t need the gag, that much is for sure. He’ll go silent, and will only be aware of things I bring firmly to his attention - things such as responding to his safety gesture. If he’s ever too far gone to confirm that he’s okay, I have to bring him back.” 

Tendo’s arms are free now, and he stretches them above his head, watching as Hermann snips away the last few ropes around his chest. “How much have you had to spend on rope?” he asks.

“More than I care to admit,” Hermann says. “That said, the sum cost of the rope is still not as much as I spent on his last set of wrist restraints.”

“How many of those does he have now?”

“More than I care to admit.”

Tendo laughs, then sits up as Hermann frees him completely. “I’m glad you’ve got him,” he says. “You need someone to spoil rotten. It makes you smile." 

“He deserves spoiling.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m not gonna argue with that. But you deserve it too - and you get it in a reverse kinda way, don’t you? Buying Newt all these things is a treat for you.”

Hermann’s looking at him, surprised. “How do you know?” he asks.

Tendo smiles. “The last time he bragged about all the shit you bought him, I was watching you, and you looked so… _pleased_. Not just happy because he was, but really and honestly satisfied. Being able to provide for him, give him the things he wants and loves, that’s clearly such a big thing for you.”  

“It isn’t just that he wants all of those things,” Hermann says quietly. “He wants them from _me_. He could go out and buy as many as he wanted -“

“Within his allowance,” Tendo interjects. Hermann raises an eyebrow, only slightly surprised. “Yeah, of course he told me. If he likes it, I like it. Continue.” 

“Yes, well… my point is, he doesn’t just want these things to have them, he wants the symbolism behind them. He wants to know that I buy them for him because I want to spoil and cherish him. And, in turn, that means that he wants to be mine, wants me to provide things for him that he could buy himself but doesn’t, because they mean more when they’re given. I know I don’t need to buy him things to keep him here, but that makes me want to buy him more. I love spoiling Newton because it means he wants to be spoiled and wants to be mine.”

“Fuck, you two are so good for each other,” Tendo says quietly.  

Hermann smiles. “I like to think so too.” 

There’s a long moment where they just look at each other, then Tendo nods towards the door. “Go to him. Do it tonight.”

“You think so?”

“When you’ve got that look in your eyes that says you’ll give him the whole damn universe if he asks for it? Yeah. I think so. Go and make him soar.” 

“I will,” Hermann promises softly. “Thank you for your help.” 

“My pleasure.” Tendo watches Hermann pack up, feeling oddly sad about this ending. “It’s been fun,” he says. 

“It has,” Hermann agrees. “Come by tomorrow afternoon and see how he is, if you’d like.”

Tendo would like. “Midday? I’ll bring brunch.”

“Sounds good.” Hermann picks up the bag, they both stand - then Hermann surprises him by kissing his cheek. “You’re a good friend, Tendo,” he says. “To both of us.” 

Tendo smiles. “Thanks,” he says quietly. “Now, you go and take care of your sub. I have a classic _Doctor Who_ marathon to get through.” 

“Show me some episodes of that some time,” Hermann says as Tendo walks him to the door. “I only watched the new ones, and never with much attention.”

“Oh, you don’t want to open this can of worms. I will show you _all_ of them.”

“Friday afternoons at your place it is, then.” 

Tendo grins. “It’s a plan.” He opens the door and shoos Hermann out. “Go tie your boyfriend up.”

“Well since you put it so nicely,” Hermann says dryly, then smiles. “Goodbye, Tendo.” 

“See you later.” 

Hermann heads off, and Tendo heads to his TV. He’s going to spend the night watching some godawful special effects without giving a shit that he has nobody to cuddle with, and his two best friends are going to do some kinky BDSM with no sex.

And they’re all very fucking happy just the way they are. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tendo feelings. Because Tendo. 
> 
> Next chapter might take a little bit of time to get out, but that’s because it’s intense and I want to do it as much justice as I can. And then after that, I honestly don’t have a lot more planned for this fic, just a couple more chapters/themes I want to address. If there are any prompts, suggestions, desires, or anything that you’d like to see touched on that hasn’t been, leave me a message and let me know. I want to cover as many bases as possible before I draw it to an end.


	34. heaven is a place on earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt’s looked up shibari photos and videos before - he knows how intricate the process is. And while he is curious about what’s happening, trying to keep up would just interfere with the way his mind is beginning to haze out around the edges. So he just keeps his eyes closed and feels the ropes touching his skin, feels Hermann binding him with gentle and firm touches. He trusts Hermann and trusts the ropes and gives himself over to both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will never ever be able to do this chapter as much justice as I wish I could. This is my ultimate want, a desire bound up in the highest expression of trust possible, and it's a pleasure to give that to Newt.

When Newt walks into the living room and spots the black bag on the table, his mouth goes dry. 

He knows that bag. It’s the bag Hermann’s been taking to Tendo’s place, the bag that contains whatever it is that Hermann’s been practicing. The bag that carefully gets tucked away after every session, with an order for Newt not to look at it.  

The order is unnecessary - Newt loves surprises. He’s not going to ruin it for himself. 

But he only gives the bag a passing look in the end, because standing behind the bag is Hermann. 

And holy shit, _Hermann._

They don’t go out to BDSM clubs, and most of their scenes are usually pretty low-key - often involving Newt being blindfolded anyway - so Hermann usually just wears his normal, comfortable, attire during scenes. But tonight…

Tonight must be _seriously_ special.

Hermann is dressed in what Newt can only describe as _Dom attire_ \- he’s even got the leather boots, and while he’s switched out the semi-customary leather jacket for a blazer-style jacket instead, it certainly doesn’t detract from the image one bit. He’s wearing black jeans and a dark grey button-down shirt, open at the collar. He has his cane, of course, but again, it only adds to the overall picture.

He looks powerful. 

Newt stands no chance - he drops to his knees and bows his head. 

He hears Hermann chuckle quietly, then cross the room to stand in front of him. He strokes Newt’s hair for a few moments, then gently tugs it. Newt, knowing his unspoken order, rises to his feet, but keeps his head lowered. His heart is thrumming with anticipation.

“In the bedroom, I have laid out an outfit for you,” Hermann says, his voice low. “I want you to put on as much of it as you feel you need to be comfortable, and put the rest away. Then you are to return, kneel here, and wait.”

“Yes, sir,” Newt says, and goes. 

The outfit is simple, but so much nicer than anything Newt’s used to - dark leather jeans, a white silk button-down shirt, and a jacket. Newt considers it for a moment, then takes off his clothes and puts on the jeans. Hermann did specify to only wear as much as needed to be comfortable, and while Newt kind of wishes he could walk out there with no clothes on at all, he knows he’s not comfortable with that. More importantly, though, he knows Hermann doesn’t expect that of him. But he doesn’t need the shirt, so that goes away with the rest of his clothes. Then Newt takes a deep breath and walks back out. 

The room is mostly dark now, with a candle on the table that Newt was kneeling in front of before. He takes his place again, noticing that the bag is now gone, and drops his eyes to the floor. He knows how this goes - Hermann’s setting up, something he technically could have done while waiting for Newt to get home, but also something that just adds to the anticipation. Being left waiting and wondering just adds to the fun. 

Normally at this point, Newt would be starting to panic about what’s going to be expected of him. But tonight, he’s calm. He trusts Hermann completely, and if Hermann says this is going to be for his pleasure and enjoyment, then it is. No ulterior motive, no sudden changes, and no continuing if Newt finds himself uncomfortable or upset.  

Newt doesn’t think it’s going to happen.

“Newton,” Hermann says quietly.

Newt looks up. “Yes, sir?” He hadn’t heard Hermann come in, but he doesn’t jump. He’s too calm for that.

Hermann sits on the edge of the table and looks at him. “You are welcome to continue calling me by my first name if you so choose,” he says.

“Yes, sir,” Newt says.

Hermann smiles. “Fair enough. Now - what is your safe word?”

“Otachi,” Newt says immediately.

“When do you use it?”

“If I can’t go any further without experiencing a panic attack. If I feel unsafe. If the scene changes from my expectations into something I haven’t agreed to beforehand. If we cross a hard limit. If… if it feels like you no longer love me.”

Hermann nods. “Good boy,” he says softly. “Tonight’s scene will involve something new - shibari. Do you consent to the inclusion of this?”

Newt bites his lip to stop from grinning too hard. “Yes, sir,” he says, a touch too eagerly. 

Hermann smiles too. “I didn’t think you’d object. And it is completely shibari tonight.” He strokes Newt’s cheek softly. “You are going to look beautiful, my darling. Stand up and come with me.” 

Back to the bedroom - Hermann must have doubled back through the bathroom once Newt left - and Newt pauses for a moment and just stares. Sure, it’s not the most intense of setups, simply involving candles dotted around the room (but nowhere that they might be knocked over), but it’s soft and calm and beautiful. Which is exactly how Newt hopes tonight ends up feeling too.

Hermann picks up the bag from the foot of the bed. “Lie down in the middle of the bed,” he orders. “On your back, arms by your sides. Glasses off.”

“Yes, sir,” Newt murmurs, and hurries to obey. He can hear Hermann unzipping the bag as he settles himself into place, but once his glasses are off all he can see are hazy pinpricks of light around the room, and a dim shape as Hermann sits on the edge of the bed. 

“Now,” Hermann says, leaning in a little so Newt can see him, “let me ask your consent for something, before I lose your mind to the ropes.” Newt smiles at that, and Hermann returns it. “I have a camera,” he continues. “With your permission, I would like to take photos of you once I am finished. What do you think about that?”

“Will they be distributed?” Newt asks immediately.

“Not without your express consent, and a discussion of clear minds. So we can discuss that tomorrow.”

Newt nods. “Then yes.”

“Thank you,” Hermann says, and sets the camera on the table next to them. “Next: are you experiencing any pain in your body currently? Any stiffness, bruises, something that will stop you from being bound in one position for an amount of time?" 

Newt gives himself a mental once over. “No, sir,” he says. 

“How high can I take you?”

Newt smiles. “All the way.”

“It’s going to be intense,” Hermann warns.

“I trust you. And I can always change my mind if it’s too much.”

“Yes, you can.” Hermann brushes his hair back and kisses his forehead. “I’ll check in on you frequently. Verbal responses while you can - squeeze my hand after that.” He lifts Newt’s arm and bends it gently, resting it on his chest with his hand at his collarbone. “This is how you’ll be bound. If anything goes wrong and you can’t communicate, make a fist. I’ll be watching.”

“I trust you," Newt repeats. 

Hermann stands, and uncoils the rope. Newt shivers a little just seeing it. “I’m going to go slow,” he says. “Everything should feel good. If it doesn’t, tell me.” 

Newt nods, then pauses. “Sir?” 

Hermann stops, comes back to where Newt can see him clearly. “Yes?” 

“What do you expect of me?”

Hermann frowns. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“What do I need to do while you’re binding me? Do I need to assist?”

“No,” Hermann says, now smiling. “What you need to do, sweet boy, is enjoy yourself. Your only task tonight is to ensure that you have a wonderful experience - by either stopping things if you aren’t, or simply letting yourself go if you are.” He touches Newt’s cheek softly. “I want to see you rope drunk, my love. I want you to soar.” 

Newt lets his head drop back into the pillow, closing his eyes. He’s already feeling himself dropping into the beginnings of the perfect headspace with sheer anticipation. 

The first touch of rope against his skin makes him shiver. It’s slightly rough, just enough to create the perfect amount of friction and keep Newt aware of it. He won’t lose touch of the ropes around his body, just everything else, and that’s exactly how he wants it.  

Newt’s looked up shibari photos and videos before - he knows how intricate the process is. And while he is curious about what’s happening, trying to keep up would just interfere with the way his mind is beginning to haze out around the edges. So he just keeps his eyes closed and feels the ropes touching his skin, feels Hermann binding him with gentle and firm touches. He trusts Hermann and trusts the ropes and gives himself over to both.  

“Feeling okay?” Hermann asks after a bit.

“Perfect.”

“Good. I need you kneeling for this next bit. Sit up for me.”

Newt does. His head feels light, and it’s surprisingly effortless to move to his knees - but then kneeling is second nature for him anyway. As long as Hermann holds him in place, Newt can kneel all night if necessary. There’s something so simple about kneeling here, Hermann twining ropes around his chest, and his mind so pleasantly blank. He might as well not be in his body at all, except for the feel of the ropes, secure and strong.

He opens his eyes, and the world is a haze of flickering lights and Hermann. The small part of Newt’s brain that’s registering coherent thought congratulates himself on having such poor vision that it’s actually adding to the effects of subspace. The rest of him just goes ahead and floats.

After awhile - he’s lost track of time altogether - Hermann gently coaxes him back to lying down. “Alright?” he asks as he settles Newt in.

“Good. Just -“ Newt rolls his shoulder a little, and Hermann’s there immediately, like a mind reader, adjusting the rope that’s slipped slightly too close to his neck. “Perfect,” Newt murmurs. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now stop focusing.”

Newt chuckles, low and quiet. “Easy.”

So he does. He just floats and feels and every layer of rope adds more security to his body, leaving his mind to drift to new heights. Everything is light and free and so far beyond words that Newt doesn’t try for any, just _feels_.  

The next time Hermann asks if he’s okay, Newt can’t quite summon up the concentration to make words appear. After a second of silence, Hermann’s hand slips into his, and Newt immediately squeezes it. “Good,” Hermann says softly. “I’m about halfway through, so you just keep floating.”

Easiest order in the world to follow. 

He's never been this high. He’s never trusted anybody to take him this high. And of the very few coherent thoughts floating around Newt’s brain, how much he loves Hermann is the loudest. 

At some point, Hermann finishes tying him up. Newt is absently aware of the pressure of the ropes, the fact that there is no getting out of this - but he’s also aware of Hermann, sitting next to him. While Hermann’s here, there’s no need to feel trapped or frightened or _anything_. His safety is completely in Hermann’s hands, to a level it’s never been before, and Newt registers a few tears slipping out from behind his closed eyelids, noticing them with detached disinterest. He’s not sad, after all.

Hermann wipes them away, his fingers soft brushes against Newt’s cheeks, and then slips his hand into Newt’s. Newt squeezes it, and Hermann lets go again. He doesn’t speak - clearly he understands that Newt’s okay, he’s great, he’s just feeling _everything_. 

And nothing. A lot of nothing. 

Nothing is _great_.  

More time passes. And then a bit more. There’s a couple of movements from Hermann, then a quiet warning about the camera and a flash and keeping his eyes closed, and Newt has no inclination to open his eyes so it doesn’t bother him. There’s some light but that doesn’t bother him either. And then there’s just darkness and nothing and more time floating away and _Newt_ floating away but still here, still bound by the ropes, still safe.  

And so he just floats until it has to end. Which, unfortunately, it does.  

“Newton,” he hears, as if from far away, and he squeezes his hand around thin air. He hears a quiet chuckle in response. “This isn’t me checking in, darling. It’s time to untie you.”

Newt whines in protest. He doesn’t _want to_.

“I know,” Hermann says softly, already working at the first knot. “But I’m going to bring you down so slowly, and just enough to know that you’re okay and level enough to sleep. I think you’ll still be feeling amazing." 

Perfect. 

There are knots being untied and pressure slowly being released as ropes are unwound. Hermann moves him as little as possible, supporting him completely when he has to. Newt does come down enough that he’s responsive, able to answer all of Hermann’s questions and prove that he’s aware of where he is and how he’s feeling; but he’s still high, still floating, still feeling _fucking_ amazing. 

Once he’s free (or released; he didn’t exactly feel _trapped_ in the ropes), Hermann guides him to the bathroom, waiting just outside the door while Newt gets ready for bed. He’s then settled into bed while Hermann takes his turn in the bathroom, and Newt closes his eyes and floats on the residual endorphins until the bed shifts and Hermann lies down next to him. “Did I do good?” Newt asks sleepily.

“You did _very_ good,” Hermann murmurs. “You were perfect for me, and so beautiful - you are everything I could ever want.”

Newt smiles. He wants to tell Hermann that he loves him, but somewhere between having the thought and saying it aloud, he falls asleep.

 ***

Tendo delivers brunch at midday, smirking his heart out when Newt opens the door, shirtless, sleep rumpled and still hazy. “Oh, honey, you rival _me_ after a good night,” he says. “Success, huh?”

Newt feels Hermann behind him, feels Hermann’s arms snake around his waist. “Tendo,” he greets. “Very much a success, I believe. Right, Newton?” 

“Yes, sir.” Tendo blinks, and Newt ducks his head, blushing a little. “Sorry. Still kinda…” 

“Hey, it’s cool,” Tendo says with absolutely no judgement. “No need to censor yourself around me.”

Hermann steps back, bringing Newt with him. “Come in,” he offers. “Newton and I need to have a talk about the photos I took last night, but if he doesn’t object then you can see how the practice paid off.” 

Tendo follows them into the living room, puts the food on the table, and he and Hermann sit down. Newt hovers, hesitating, until Hermann nods, then sinks to his knees and rests his head on Hermann’s leg.  

Tendo’s smiling. “That’s fucking adorable, you know?” 

“He is, isn’t he?” Hermann agrees, playing with Newt’s hair gently. “Don’t drift away just yet, darling. I need you to eat.”

“He’s still high off last night?”

“It was an intense session,” Hermann says, pulling food out of the bags. “Technically he’s out of subspace - I made sure to bring him back, not quite to base level but enough that I was satisfied he wouldn’t run the risk of suddenly dropping hard from a high. But just thinking over what happened and how he felt is enough to keep him in an excellent headspace. Though he should hit base level again sometime this afternoon.”

“Damn,” Newt says.

Hermann chuckles, and hands him a croissant. “Eat,” he orders gently, and Newt obeys. “Do you have any objections to Tendo seeing the photos?”

Newt swallows. “No, sir,” he says, then shakes his head and corrects himself. “No, Hermann.”

“I don’t mind if you call me sir,” Hermann says gently. “We didn’t really discuss it, but if that’s something you wish to bring into everyday lifestyle then we can do so.” 

“I’ll save it for scenes.”

“As you wish. So I can show Tendo?”

Newt looks up. “After you eat,” he says, smirking a little. 

Hermann raises an eyebrow, but he’s smiling. “Looks like it is wearing off,” he says. “You wouldn’t have dared to say something like that last night.” 

“Didn’t have a reason to say anything like that last night. Perfect from start to finish.”

Hermann’s smile softens. “I’m glad,” he says, and picks up his own croissant to start eating. 

Tendo lightly clears his throat. “Sorry, but I’ve just gotta… why would Newt have not said anything like that last night?”

Hermann glances down at Newt, who shrugs and answers. “The power dynamic is intensified in a scene like that,” he explains. “When I walked into the room last night and saw him, I dropped to my knees and started calling him sirbefore he even spoke or told me we were having a scene. I just felt it. I recognised the power in him, the power he had over me, and completely submitted to it - and I did that with _joy_. Apart from my basic rights of consent, the right to change my mind, and the right to enjoy what I was experiencing, I gave Hermann everything I possibly could have of myself last night, both because I couldn’t do anything else and because I wanted to so badly. So, I would never have spoken out like that last night. Hermann lets me get away with a certain level of bratting when we’re not in intense scenes, because that’s how we like it. But in something like that, I don’t speak out against him or tease him or do anything that would give me any kind of power. It’s not because he tells me not to, it’s because the submissive in me refuses to and would never treat my Dom that way. It’s because Hermann has power and I want him to have that power over me in a scene like that. I’m fucking this all up, aren’t I?”

“No,” Hermann and Tendo say in unison, then smile at each other. “I think you’ve said it as well as can be said,” Hermann continues. “Vocalizing what we experience in scenes like that is incredibly difficult.” 

“You’ve said enough to convince me that it’s all good and consensual and exactly what you want,” Tendo says with a nod. “Just wanted to make sure you still had a voice if you needed it.” 

“I always do.” Newt finishes his croissant, then glances at the camera. “Did the photos come out good?” he asks.

“Perfect,” Hermann says, sounding almost reverent. “I would have shown you yourself in a mirror last night, but you weren’t focused enough. But, my darling, you were beautiful. A work of art.” 

Newt smiles, blushing a little. “All thanks to you, of course.”

Hermann shakes his head. “The rope work was intricate and rather striking, yes, but you made the pictures perfect. The look on your face, the clear peace you were experiencing… it would have been just a few knots and cords without you. And,” he adds, tracing his fingers up Newt’s arm, “buying lighter coloured ropes to contrast against all of this ink was a very good idea.”

Hermann picks up the camera. Newt looks up eagerly, but Hermann turns it towards Tendo instead, and he pouts. “Why?”

“Anticipation,” Hermann says with a smile, and switches it on so Tendo can see.

“Oh,” Tendo says softly after a few moments of staring. “Fuck, Newt. I’d go Dom for that.”

Hermann rolls his eyes, then turns the camera so Newt can see and -

_“Oh_ ,” Newt murmurs. 

“I told you how beautiful you would be,” Hermann says.

Newt nods. He stares at the ropes, the intricate patterns against his vibrant skin, the look of pure contentment on his face, and _damn_ , it’s stunning. 

“Oh,” he says again.

“That about sums it up,” Tendo says. “But now I’m curious about what was going on behind the lens. It’s damn clear how Newt was feeling - what about you?" 

“It is its own high for me,” Hermann admits. “Very different, though. Newton was in more of a trance, while I was… well, I felt filled with power. I was the one who had done this, who had brought him to that level and made that creation. I… may have spent some time basking in that while Newton drifted.”

Newt smiles. “Good,” he says. “You deserved it.” He looks at the photo for a bit longer, then considers something. “Hermann?” he asks.

“Yes, darling?”

“Can I get a bracelet made out of shibari rope?” Hermann gives him an intrigued look, and Newt shrugs. “It’s kinda like jewellery. I can’t wear the whole lot every day, much as I’d like to, but just a bit of it, just to remember how good this was?”

Hermann smiles. “I’ll see what I can arrange. But you know this wasn’t a one-off, right?”

“You mean I get that _again_?”

“Not frequently,” Hermann says. “I can’t take you that high on a regular basis, it’s not going to be good for you. But on special occasions, absolutely. We both enjoyed it, and you certainly deserve it, sweet boy.”

Newt rests his head on Hermann’s knee, and Hermann strokes his hair. He’s a bit overwhelmed, and it must show on his face because Tendo quietly gathers his things together and murmurs that he’ll see them both later before letting himself out. And then it’s just him and Hermann, and as much as Newt loves being at Hermann’s feet, right now he wants to be as close as he can get. So he scrambles to his feet, sits himself on the couch and gets himself as close to Hermann as physically possible without actually sitting on him, holding him tight. 

Hermann holds him just as tight and doesn’t speak. Just like last night, he clearly knows that Newt isn’t upset, that he’s as far from upset as possible. So he strokes Newt’s hair and occasionally runs his fingers down Newt’s spine and keeps him close. There’s no need for any words, not now. They’re on the exact same page. 

Newt’s drifting on the haze of endorphins and security and love, and he hides his face in Hermann’s shoulder and rests in contentment. 

They stay there for a long time. Nothing else matters. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of only have three more chapters planned for this fic. That doesn't mean there'll only be three more, but basically I'm running out of ideas. I got a couple of great ideas/prompts last chapter which are being written or incorporated into other chapters, but anything else, feel free to throw it at me.
> 
> Also, for anybody in the Avengers fandom (or at least more in it than me because I haven't even seen the film yet and I still write fanfiction about it), I've been casually working on a D/s series - the kind that's set in an established D/s world where everybody is either Dominant, submissive, or neutral - that's kind of exploded on me and I've been encouraged to share it. It's Clint/Coulson, and it's been a shitload of fun to write, so now I'm just trying to get an idea of whether people would be interested in reading it - so let me know if it sounds interesting to you.
> 
> EDIT: I forgot to post my reference image! This is how I envision Newt being bound (female model, implied/nonsexual nudity only): http://www.artofcontemporaryshibari.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Noble_IMG_Marissa_arms_to_chest-Large.jpg


	35. all I want is the taste that your lips allow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calm, wide eyes look up at Hermann as he sets the empty container aside, and Hermann smiles down at him. “Such a good boy,” he says, and Newt closes his eyes for a second, smiling. “Where would you like to begin?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the final appearance of Tendo. There’s no dramatic exit scene, just wave goodbye when he leaves because that’s him gone (but not forgotten). And then go on and read the beauty that abbeyjewel prompted and I love her so much for doing so because this was a true privilege to write.

Hermann sits in the corner of the hall, watching as Newt and Tendo twirl around the floor in one another’s arms. He’s smiling as he takes it in. 

The ballroom dancing classes have apparently been a thing for awhile now. Like all good hobbies, it began in the earlier days of the war, when it was important to have a full team in the Shatterdome but left them with not a whole lot to do in the days between invasions. Hermann had taught himself Spanish and Greek; Newt and Tendo had taken ballroom dancing classes. Hermann’s still partially fluent in Spanish, which he has never had to use, and has abandoned Greek as a lost cause. Newt and Tendo look stunning and graceful and wonderful together.  

Clearly some early-war hobbies have paid off better than others. 

Tendo leads. Hermann isn’t even surprised. And maybe it’s wrong for him to be surprised at how graceful Newt is, but Newt is the one who managed to trip over the same patch of nothing twice in the space of a minute last week. Hermann is justified in his surprise at the ease with which Newt dances, complex steps swallowed up as simply as walking. 

He isn’t surprised by how happy Newt looks, though. Newt’s used the intimacy and enjoyment of ballroom dancing as a comparison to sex in the past, and Hermann understands it better now that he’s watching it. He’s always been aware of the strength of the connection between Tendo and Newt, but seeing it played out in front of him in a small dance studio really makes it so clear what they mean to one another. 

And it makes him happy. 

He’s happy that Newt has Tendo - a platonic connection so strong, so necessary, giving him love and strength and no obligations to be anything but himself. Hermann loves the way Tendo has just eased himself into their lives, giving them both things they need and taking away nothing more than simple friendship. Tendo never threatens what they have, and Hermann has never once entertained the thought of Tendo taking Newt from him - not only because Tendo never would, but because no force on earth would drive Newt away unless he chose to go. Hermann knows that. 

Selfishly, Hermann loves being the only one who makes Newt happy. Tendo has been a lesson in sharing, and one that Hermann’s been grateful to receive. Newt is his submissive, his partner, the love of his life - but he’s also Tendo’s best friend. And he can be both without impacting on either, and loved by both equally and in immense amounts.

After all, Hermann muses as he watches Tendo twirl Newt, Newt is just… _Newt_. How the whole world hasn’t fallen in love with him in some form or another, Hermann will never know. 

The music ends, and the class breaks up. Tendo’s already mentioned he’s having dinner with a few of his colleagues, so Hermann waits patiently while Newt bids him goodbye. After a quick hug, Tendo wriggles his fingers at Hermann, who nods, and then heads out.

Newt turns and practically bounces over to Hermann. He’s full of energy and smiling and _beautiful_ , and Hermann smiles back as he quite literally catches Newt, hands at his waist holding him in place. “What did you think?” Newt asks. “Do we look good? I know we messed up a couple of steps in that last one but we only started learning it two weeks ago and it _feels_ good and that’s what matters -“

Smiling fondly, Hermann presses a finger to Newt’s lips. “You looked wonderful,” he says as Newt looks up at him, eyes sparkling and so alive. “I’m so proud to call you mine.”

Newt shivers a little, and some of the excitement quiets down. The eyes watching him are now soft and full of perfect obedience and Hermann’s heart melts. “Thank you,” Newt murmurs. “I liked having you here, watching. Being proud of me.”

“I’m always proud of you.” The room has emptied out now, just the instructor packing away music with her back turned, so Hermann feels safe in pressing a gentle kiss to Newt’s forehead. “And now I want to take you home and show you just how much.” Newt’s eyes are begging now, asking for information, and Hermann chuckles softly. “I’m sure you must be hungry,” he says lightly.

“Yeah. But… oh. _Oh_.”

Hermann smiles. “Is that a yes?”

“That’s a hell yes.”

“Good. Lets go home.”

***

He makes Newt a proper meal first, because it would be remiss of him to skip dinner just to gratify both of their desires. It’s a simple meal - Hermann is not the cook in their relationship - but Newt never seems to mind, and Hermann leaves him eating while he sets to work in the kitchen. He’s already eaten, having only shown up for the last half hour of the class, so his own needs are met, and he can fully focus on Newt. Which is good. Hermann likes focusing on Newt’s needs. 

Handfeeding is one of Hermann’s secret delights, and he and Newt have tried it several times now. The first time was a definite learning curve; not only was Newt learning how to be handfed for the first time, but Hermann was figuring out where his limits were on nonsexual handfeeding. There were a few foods that had to be ruled out, and Newt was gently encouraged not to linger _too_ long over taking each mouthful of food; but, like all things, they’ve worked on it and found out how to make it suit their needs perfectly.

Chocolate is always a must, and Hermann makes sure the room temperature is cool enough that it won’t melt too much - licking up melted chocolate, they’ve learned, is rather uncomfortable for both of them. There’s also grapes, strawberries, a few cherries (more an exercise in trust than simply for pleasure), and, only brought out when Hermann knows Newt’s finished his dinner, a small container of ice cream. By the time Hermann’s collected Newt’s plate and returned to the dining room with the tray of food, it will be just soft enough. 

Newt’s waiting, his kneel picture perfect, and he leans into Hermann a little as Hermann sits in the chair in front of him, putting the tray on the table. Hermann strokes his hair softly for a moment, then tilts Newt’s chin up. “Ready?” he asks, and Newt shivers a little and nods. “Good.”

He starts with the ice cream, of course, slowly feeding Newt each spoonful. There’s only about six spoonfuls in the tub, but Hermann doesn’t want any more than that. While it is a delight to feed Newt anything, utensils tend to get in the way of the intimacy. This is just enough to set the scene, to be sure that Newt’s happy and relaxed and wanting to be here. 

He is. Calm, wide eyes look up at Hermann as he sets the empty container aside, and Hermann smiles down at him. “Such a good boy,” he says, and Newt closes his eyes for a second, smiling. “Where would you like to begin?”

“Wherever pleases you.”

Handfeeding always makes Newt, in his own words, extremely subby. Hermann adores it, and his own smile is soft and fond as he selects a strawberry. Newt prefers them whole, likes to take a few bites to eat them, and Hermann watches as Newt nibbles the end off it, eyes focused on Hermann. Hermann smiles, and Newt returns it as he swallows and returns for another bite. He takes the final section gently, teeth nowhere near Hermann’s fingers, and Hermann watches as he chews. Newt holds himself flawlessly, preferring the formal kneel when he’s being handfed, and it is truly a delight to watch. 

He picks up a piece of chocolate, and Newt grins. Hermann breaks it in half and presses one piece to Newt’s lips, waiting for him to eat it before eating the other himself. It’s one of the little routines that makes handfeeding so much fun, and Newt always relaxes just that bit more when he’s not the only one eating. 

Next, Hermann holds out a cherry by the stem. Newt eyes it up warily, but obediently takes it, breaking it from the stem with a light tug. Hermann watches him as he eats the fruit, then holds out a small bowl and waits. Newt pauses, watching him, then lowers his eyes and spits the stone out into the bowl.

“Good boy,” Hermann murmurs, and takes a moment to pet his hair. This, unusually, is one of Newt’s areas of vulnerability, and Hermann is yet to figure out why, only because _Newt_ doesn’t know why. He’s been given permission to work on it, though, so Hermann always tries to incorporate a couple of pieces of fruit with stones into every session - unless Newt’s being rewarded, of course. Then it’s all about pleasure. 

He waits until Newt’s nice and relaxed again, then offers him a grape. Newt finally makes contact with his fingers now, brushing his lips softly against them as he takes the grape. They’ve agreed that any finger licking or sucking is too uncomfortable, but the way Newt gently kisses his fingertips as Hermann feeds him the next few grapes is perfect for both of them. 

They work their way through the rest of the plate in that fashion. Hermann spaces the other few cherries throughout, and Newt’s comfort level grows each time. He makes sure to follow the last one with a few pieces of chocolate, shared between them both, and watches as Newt sinks to that perfect, calm level of not-quite subspace. He’s just quietly content, satisfied and with all of his needs met, and this is exactly how Hermann loves having him. 

The last piece of fruit is a grape, and Newt takes it from his hand as softly and perfectly as all the others, pressing a kiss to his fingertips as he does. Hermann strokes his hair while Newt chews and swallows, then cups his cheek with his palm. “All done, my darling.”

Newt leans into his hand, closing his eyes. “Thank you, Hermann,” he murmurs.

“You’re welcome, sweet boy. Want to stay there for a bit?” Newt nods, and Hermann smiles, watching him. “As long as you like,” he says. 

Newt leans against his leg, resting his head on Hermann’s knee, and Hermann strokes his hair. Soon enough Newt will regain enough focus that Hermann will be able to get him to bed and cuddle him for a long, long time - but for now his boy is content just as he is, and so is Hermann. 

He loves Newt. He has never loved him more - and he will always continue to love him more with each passing day. There is just no possible way to stop falling ever more in love with him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only two more chapters to come after this. Next chapter may be controversial for some, but I hope it ends happily for you because it does for me. 
> 
> Handfeeding though. Excuse me, I'm melting.


	36. I'm still fighting for peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ve been thinking,” Newt begins after a few moments of silence. He falters again, then decides to just go for it. “I want to… to be more intimate with you.”
> 
> Another silence. 
> 
> “Are you talking about sex?” Hermann asks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just because I don’t want anybody bailing out in anger halfway through this chapter - please remember that I will never turn this fic into ‘asexual person has sex with sexual person because they feel like they have to’ or ‘asexual person is ‘cured’ when they meet their One True Love’. This was not easy to write, but it needed to be written.
> 
> Warnings for mild sexual content. If you’re worried, check the end note.

“Hermann,” Newt says quietly one evening, “can I ask you something?”

“Yes, love, of course,” Hermann says - but absently, his eyes still skimming over an article.

And while it’s perfectly normal for them to hold conversations while one or both are distracted by something else, Newt falters this time. “It’s… I, um -“

Now he’s got Hermann’s full attention. “Ah,” Hermann says. “It’s a difficult topic?”

“Yeah. It’s -“ Newt looks down, unable to believe he’s saying this. “Can you remove my collar?”

Silence. 

When he looks back up, tentative and unsure, the look on Hermann’s face has Newt immediately realizing his mistake. “Oh, shit, I didn’t - not _permanently._ Just for this conversation. That wasn’t what I was going to ask you, I - I don’t want to stop being yours, I swear. I’m sorry." 

Hermann shakes his head. “It’s I who owes the apology,” he says. “I shouldn’t have reacted so visibly. If you ever do truly want to leave, sweet boy, you know I won’t try to stop you.” 

“Well, I don’t.”

Hermann smiles a little, then reaches for the key. He carefully unlocks the collar and removes it, and even though Newt’s the one who’s asked for it to be taken off, he still whines a little when it disappears. “Let’s talk quickly then, shall we?” Hermann asks, and stands. 

Newt stands too and follows him to the couch, where they sit side by side. “I’ve been thinking,” Newt begins after a few moments of silence. He falters again, then decides to just go for it. “I want to… to be more intimate with you.”

Another silence. 

“Are you talking about sex?” Hermann asks.

Newt nods. “Yeah. Or, no. I mean, sexual stuff. Not necessarily…”

He trails off, and Hermann sighs. “Okay,” he begins, gentle but firm. “Let’s start with you looking at me while we talk about this.” Newt meets his eye, and Hermann smiles. “Good,” he says, the praise still just as important even with the collar off. “Now then; there are a few things I need to know. Let’s begin with where this is coming from. Has something been said to you?”

“No. No, it’s not like that. It’s not out of a place of feeling wrong… no more than usual, anyway.”

Newt sees Hermann cut himself off, and knows he’s just avoided a lecture on how _not wrong_ he is. “Alright. Next question: have you been experiencing sexual desire?”

Newt sighs. “No,” he admits. 

“Hm.” Hermann looks at him for a bit, then nods. “Tell me, then,” he says. “What’s the driving force?”

“A couple of things,” Newt says. “You aren’t gonna like the first one.”

Hermann raises an eyebrow. “Enlighten me,” he says.

Newt almost looks down, then remembers his credibility probably depends on holding eye contact. “It’s, um. Well, I… I want to be able to make you happier.”

Hermann actually flinches at that. “ _Newton_ ,” he says quietly. “What do I need to do to show you how happy I am with you?”

“I know you are,” Newt says quickly. “Honestly, I do. It’s just… look. Being with me makes you happy, yeah?" 

“Of course it does.”

“And having sex also makes you happy.”

Hermann sighs. “I can’t deny that.”

Newt nods. “You shouldn’t have to, either. So you like being with me and you like having sex and if both of those things make you happy then logically I could make you twice as happy if I were providing both of those things." 

“Yes, if your logic weren’t flawed.”

“If we were in my lab I’d fight you over that.”

Hermann smiles slightly. “I wouldn’t dare make such a statement in your lab,” he retorts. “You have acids there. But in this case, you are very wrong. If this relationship were sexual, I would be just as happy as I am now. I am happy because of _you_ , love, not because of anything you give to me. The same goes for you submitting to me - if that were to stop and you remained my partner, I would still be happy because I had you.”

“So, wait, you’re _not_ happier because I submit to you?” 

“You know I love that you do it,” Hermann says. “But I don’t love you any more or less for it. It makes me happy because it’s you doing it and because it makes you happy. _You_ are the defining factor in all of this.”

“But… okay. Let me put it this way: if I were sexual, would you enjoy having sex with me?”

Hermann sighs. “Newton,” he begins, then stops himself. “Yes,” he says. “At least, I presume so. But you are _not_ sexual, and therefore I would not enjoy having sex with you.”

“But if I liked it, you’d like it,” Newt says with a nod. “Okay.”

Hermann looks like he’s about to argue, then stops himself again. “At this point you know what I believe,” he says simply. “What’s next?”

Newt gives him half a smile. “I want to try it for me,” he says. 

That gives Hermann pause. “You’ve had sex before though, haven’t you?”

“Yeah. Unsuccessful and miserable sex, but yeah, I have. But I was thinking - asexuality exists on a spectrum. What if I’m actually something like demisexual?”

“I would say that’s unlikely,” Hermann says. “Simply because you and I have formed a strong emotional attachment, and you still have no desire for sex." 

“But what if I’m basing that off all the miserable experiences?” Newt argues. “What if I could actually enjoy having sex with you but all my hangups around it are frightening me off and making me think I don’t want it? I’m a scientist, Hermann. I want to know these things for sure, to experiment and run tests… and I probably shouldn’t be calling sex a _test_ should I?”

Hermann smiles. “It certainly can be a test of endurance with Tendo… and I probably shouldn’t be bringing up Tendo.”

“Nah, it’s okay. This isn’t - I mean, as much as I’d like to be able to have sex with you and satisfy that need, you’ll probably still need to go to Tendo for awhile even if it does end up being okay. I don’t see myself turning into a… a _sexual being_ overnight.” Newt takes in the look on Hermann’s face and nods. “And you don’t think it’ll happen at all,” he says. 

Hermann meets his gaze evenly. “I am willing to help you try,” he says quietly. “But I’ve seen how distressed you get over sex, love. It isn’t just a case of not wanting it, it _upsets_ you. You don’t want anything to do with it. So, while I am certainly not ruling anything out, I am not preparing for our relationship to become sexual. As long as you remember that you are mine no matter what happens from these experiments, then I’m happy with it.”

“So you’ll do it?” 

“Yes. But not tonight - I want you to take more time to think it over and be very sure, and I want time to get myself ready for it as well. Will you want to be collared at the time as well?”

Newt nods. “Need to feel like I’m completely yours.”

His hand comes up involuntarily to rub the back of his neck, and Hermann smiles a little. “We’ll table this discussion until Friday,” he says. “Once we’ve talked about it further then and I’m satisfied that you’re doing this for the right reasons, we’ll tentatively set a date for Saturday to try it out. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Serious discussion over for tonight?” Newt nods, and Hermann picks up his collar. “Thank you for bringing this to me,” he says as he locks it back in place. “Regardless of what happens, I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me what’s on your mind.”

“I always do.” 

Hermann holds out an arm and Newt cuddles into him. “Good boy,” he murmurs, and Newt closes his eyes and smiles.

No matter what happens on Saturday, at least Newt knows he’s always got this.

***

The discussion on Friday is pretty much a repeat, but with Hermann taking notes. Once they’ve got everything talked out - Newt’s reasons for wanting to try this, Hermann’s reservations but resolution to help Newt however he needs it - Hermann sets out what he refers to as a ‘one-time addendum’ to their contract. Newt isn’t sure it’s entirely necessary, but he understands that Hermann wants everything as laid out and planned as possible. He also appreciates the care Hermann is taking to assure him that this is absolutely a one-time thing if Newt chooses for it to be - that just because he’s decided to try having sex now doesn’t mean he has to start having sex or ever have it again. Newt _knows_ that, but hearing it and reading it helps.

When they’re both satisfied with the agreement, they sign. Newt’s hand trembles a little, but Hermann returns his collar and kisses him afterwards, and everything feels okay again. 

Hermann insists on being very gentle with him for the rest of Friday, with plenty of cuddling and soft kisses. Newt isn’t complaining one single bit.

***

On Saturday morning, Newt wakes up nervous. 

He also wakes up before Hermann, which is a real feat, and Newt finds he can’t just lie there and wait for Hermann to wake. So he gets up, gets dressed, and curls himself up on the couch with his tablet, absently internet surfing and checking emails.

Hermann finds him there half an hour later, when he emerges from the bedroom, also dressed. He raises an eyebrow at Newt, who just shrugs, then crosses the room to sit down next to him. “Everything okay, sweet boy?” he asks.

Newt leans against him. “Yeah. Just a bit nervous.”

“I’d be worried if you weren’t.” Hermann kisses his temple. “Remember, this is entirely your choice. You can back out whenever necessary.”

“Can we do this soon?” Newt asks. “Kinda want to… not get it over and done with, that makes it sound wrong - shit. I don’t know how to say the right words.”

“I understand. Uncertainty is rolling off you in waves, darling, so I’m happy to do this sooner rather than later.” Hermann stands and holds out his hand. “Come back to the bedroom.”

Newt takes his hand and follows him. Instead of going to the bed, Hermann stops them just inside the door and draws Newt close, looking at him for a moment. “Hermann?” Newt eventually asks. 

“Just checking in,” Hermann says. “Serious conversation time. What is your safeword?”

“Otachi.”

“When do you use your safeword?”

“As soon as I know that going any further would have a detrimental effect on me.”

“Good. I know today is about pushing some of those boundaries, so you might feel uncomfortable; but the second you begin to feel _wrong_ , that’s when it ends. I will not let you go beyond discomfort into distress - if you don’t make that call, I will.”

“Okay. So… so what do we do?”

“Do you want orders?” Newt nods, and Hermann smiles gently. “Okay. What I’d like you to do is take your clothes off and lie down on the bed. I’m going to stay dressed for the moment - I want to try and put you at ease first, gauge your comfort level before I get too involved. Does that sound okay?” 

“Yeah. Um. Now?”

“Unless you need longer?”

“No. Now is…” Newt doesn’t bother finishing, just quickly starts undressing. He dumps all his clothes on the chair, makes his way to the bed, and lies on his back. “Like this?” he asks.

“That’s good,” Hermann praises, and crosses the room to join him. He sits on the edge of the bed, and for a long moment looks Newt in the eyes. “I’m going to touch you - nowhere I haven’t already. I just want you to think about how it feels. You can close your eyes if you like.” 

Newt keeps them open. He wants to know what’s happening before it happens. 

It takes a lot of effort to hold himself still when Hermann’s hand first comes to rest on his shoulder. The touch is soft and familiar, though, and after a moment Newt relaxes under it. “Good,” Hermann murmurs, and strokes lightly down the length of his arm. He repeats for the other arm, then presses a hand to Newt’s chest. Right now his touch is simple and unassuming, and, apart from the fact that he's not wearing any clothes, this could be just like any other night. 

“This is nice,” Newt says. “Could you kiss me?”

Hermann does. He keeps it soft, but Newt deepens it a little more, drawing Hermann right in and, in a sudden bold move, nips lightly at Hermann’s bottom lip. Hermann groans a little and kisses him deeper, and Newt feels a strange wash of smug satisfaction at that - he’s never heard a sound like that from Hermann before.

But then, he knows what it means - Hermann’s at least somewhat turned on by what they’re doing, or by what they might do. And that doesn’t frighten Newt, but it doesn’t make him feel the same. It’s more… interesting. 

God. He really _is_ going to turn sex into a scientific experiment.  

Anyway, the fact that Newt isn’t even close to turned on is what he should be focusing on. He’s enjoying the kisses, but that’s standard. And when the kisses end, and Hermann’s back to touching him, slow and simple but working _down -_ and even with Hermann watching him, eyes a little darker but still soft and in control… well, it doesn’t actually make Newt feel all that great. 

Because he loves the hell out of Hermann, and that hasn’t changed. But Newt usually also loves being as close to Hermann as he can get, and that’s beginning to change. Newt’s starting to wish Hermann was just a bit further away - and that’s scary. He doesn’t like wanting Hermann far away.

All the satisfaction of before is suddenly long gone.

Hermann rests his hand on Newt’s stomach, a bit lower than usual. Newt focuses hard on not tensing up, and _god_ , he’s really wanting to put some clothes on right now. He’s gotten way better about being naked around Hermann (not that he does it that often) but all of those discomforts are coming back hard and fast. He doesn’t want Hermann looking at his body. He doesn’t want Hermann _touching_ his body. 

And yeah. Okay. Hermann moving his hand _down_ is Bad. With a giant fucking capital B.

Newt starts trembling. He knows he’s hit his final warning point, the last stage before his mind stops trying to reason out ways this could work or be better and just _stops_. It’s his shutdown point, when something is too much or too overwhelming or too _wrong,_ and it’s the last warning he gets before he _really_ shuts down, either into panic or tears.

This is his last chance to get out without losing it, and he needs to _get out_. Nothing about this feels good at all. 

“Stop,” Newt says as clearly as he can manage.

Hermann’s hand pauses, resting low on his stomach. “Are you okay?” he asks.

“No,” Newt whispers. He feels Hermann go still, and forces the next word out. “Otachi.”

Hermann shifts away immediately. He grabs his robe and hands it to Newt, who sits up and quickly puts it on. “Okay, darling,” Hermann murmurs gently. “It’s over. It’s not going any further. Tell me how you’re feeling.”

Newt closes his eyes. “I don’t want this,” he says, his voice small. “All I could think was that I didn’t want you touching me and I hated that - I don’t ever want to feel like I don’t want you near me. And the thought of going any further makes me feel sick, or like I’m going to have a panic attack. I can’t do it. I can’t have sex with you.” 

“And that is completely okay,” Hermann says. “There is nothing wrong with that, Newton, I promise you.”

Newt wraps his arms around himself, trying not to tremble. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“Don’t be, sweetheart,” Hermann says. “You know I’m not upset or cross or anything - I’m glad you stopped when you did. Do you feel you might have a panic attack?”

Newt considers it, then shakes his head. “It isn’t panic,” he says. “I just… I kinda just feel sad.”

Hermann makes a sound Newt can’t quite read, but it sounds about as sad as Newt feels. “I think you need some space right now,” he says quietly, “but I’m not comfortable with leaving you alone. Is this okay, or should I move to the desk?”

“No. This is… this is fine.”

“Okay. You know I’m right here for whatever you need.”

Newt nods, and for awhile they lapse into silence. Newt really doesn’t think too hard about much, letting his mind settle and the sick feeling in his stomach fade. He touches his collar, trusting the leather and the promises, and is once again so relieved that Hermann won’t take his collar when he uses his safeword out of distress, only when they need to get on an even standing. 

He needs his collar. He needs to know…

“Hermann?” 

“Yes, love?”

“Am I still good?”

“Yes,” Hermann says immediately. “Of course you are, sweetheart. You’re still my good, sweet boy.”

Newt sighs, feeling a lot more of his shakiness fade. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Feeling a bit better?”

“Yeah. Sort of.” Newt sighs, this time unhappily. “Not really. God. Why did I decide to do this?” Hermann doesn’t answer, just watches him carefully, and Newt smiles ruefully. “Yeah, I know why. I know I needed to know. But I _hate_ not wanting you close.”

“It’s okay,” Hermann says softly. “I’m still here.”

Newt smiles properly. “I know. I’m glad you are. I’m also glad you’re not saying _I told you so_.”

“I wouldn’t, ever. As you said, it was important for you to know for certain.” 

“Yeah. Um. How are you about all this? Because when we were kissing… I know you wanted me then.”

“Does that upset you?”

“No. I mean, apart from knowing you wanted me and I couldn’t… but really, it was kinda nice. It’s nice to be wanted. I’m not sexual but to know that sexual people find me attractive on that scale isn’t a bad thing at all.”

“You are attractive on every scale I can think of,” Hermann says, and Newt smiles a little. “You know I would have enjoyed sex with you if you had enjoyed it, but I’m certainly not disappointed that my pleasure wasn’t gratified. That isn't even a factor in all of this, okay?”

“Okay. I - I’m disappointed though.”

“Why?” Hermann asks gently.

Newt sighs, and it sounds like a whine. “I _wanted_ to want it, Hermann, I really did. Everybody seems to enjoy sex so much and I just though if I just found the right person and made that connection… but it’s still bad. I still can’t. And I’m not sitting here being angry at myself because that’s pointless, I’m asexual and that’s a _fact_ , and today’s proven that sex isn’t going to happen so - so why beat myself up over it? But I’m still disappointed because there’s this amazing thing out there in the world that I can’t enjoy, and it _sucks_.”

“This is the only time I will ever say this to you, my dear,” Hermann says softly, “and you are never allowed to bring it up out of context. I’m sorry you don’t have that desire to have sex - but only at this moment, and only because you want it.”

Newt gives him half a smile. “Never thought I’d hear you say that,” he says. “I used to think it’d happen eventually, you’d finally realize that I was wrong and gross and - no, don’t put that face on, let me finish.” Hermann, puffing himself up in indignation, deflates a little. “That’s what I _used_ to think,” Newt continues. “I was waiting for that day, and I kept waiting and kept waiting and it never happened. And now that you’ve finally said it, I’m not trying to twist it out of context or thinking _finally, he’s seen sense._ I’m - I’m sorry too, right now, because I wanted this to go well, and I’m sad that it didn’t. But it’s not the end of the world that it hasn’t. Even if I’d been able to have sex with you and enjoyed it, it wouldn’t have changed my worth to you. I know I’m worth far more than that.” 

“Oh, Newton,” Hermann says softly. “As soon as you’re ready for contact again, I’m going to hug you for a very long time. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear - I am _so_ proud of you.”

And Newt can’t actually stay away now. He shifts over to Hermann’s side of the bed where Hermann immediately envelops Newt in his arms, and Newt closes his eyes and, thank _god,_ it feels right to be right here in Hermann’s arms. “This is the contact I want with you,” he murmurs. “This is what I want our love to be.” 

“And it is,” Hermann says. “It always will be.” 

Newt lets Hermann hold him for awhile, trusting in him and his promises. Then he sighs and pulls away, taking Hermann’s hands in his own. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I feel like every week is a new hurdle with me.” 

“It’s okay, darling,” Hermann says softly. “I know you still have your struggles. But I’m glad we managed to come to a resolution on this issue.”

Newt tries not to laugh. “Yeah, for this month anyway.”

“Sorry?”

“I -“ Newt sighs, shakes his head. “This wasn’t some one-time worry, or something I’ve been gearing up to try for ages and now that I’ve done it I’ll never have my doubts again. The world is a seriously sexual place, and there are so many things socialized into us that hardwire us into believing that sex is inevitable and that everybody who’s normal does it. And it takes a _lot_ to get past that, and sometimes you think you’ve sorted shit out and then you haven’t. Sometimes your own brain fucks up on you and makes you think you want things you _know_ you don’t, and you have to deal with that - and then you have to deal with it again because your brain isn’t fucking _convinced_ because sex is ‘normal’ and - and it’s not easy. It’s not logical. It’s never going to just _go away_. Just… just please don’t give up on me.”

“Never. I’m here for the long run, sweet boy. But I have to tell you that, even if you do return to this issue and have your doubts again, I will not attempt to have sex with you again. I’m now putting a hard limit on this.”

Newt nods. “I understand. I don’t want this to get in the way of what we’ve got, and I know it’s not an easy situation for you either. I won’t ask it of you again.” 

“As long as this doesn’t stop you from asking for what you need,” Hermann says, suddenly anxious.  


“It won’t. I know I’m gonna struggle with some things sometimes, and telling you is always the right idea, because you’re going to be amazing and help me through it and - and we’ll just keep loving each other. Right?” 

“Exactly right.” Hermann strokes his cheek gently. “The progress I’ve seen you make towards your own personal contentment is wonderful. I don’t want you to try and ‘fix’ yourself, or to get to a point where you never struggle with any of this - I just want you to be happy. And I want to help you be happy as much as I can.” 

“You help a lot. You make me seriously happy.” 

“As do you, my darling.” Hermann kisses him, very soft and tentative. “What do you want to do now?”

“Get dressed,” Newt says immediately, and Hermann smiles. “And then… cuddle?”

“Was that really a question?” Hermann asks, rolling his eyes. “Will I ever say no?”

“Probably not.” Newt’s about to get up, then stops and hugs Hermann again. “You’re the best, you know? Best Dom, best partner, best… everything. I’m so lucky.”

“As am I, sweet boy,” Hermann says, and he sounds choked up. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

Newt goes and gets dressed, and when he returns Hermann pulls him close. Newt hides his face against Hermann’s neck and relishes the warm, safe, and completely nonsexual touch of his Dom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re here because of the warning, here’s a summary: Newt requests sex from Hermann, who of course raises all of his very real and clear concerns. Newt wants to try this anyway, for himself, and Hermann agrees but makes it all very safe and makes sure Newt knows his safeword. Newt gets as far as Hermann being about to touch him when he safewords out, because he still doesn’t want sex. Hermann comforts him and tells him it’s okay. So implied sexual content because there are moves made towards having sex and mentions of Hermann being turned on, but no sex because Newt is not inclined that way. 
> 
> I've been working on this chapter pretty much since the beginning. I really hope it went okay. 
> 
> We’re nearly at the end - only one more to go.


	37. find light in the beautiful sea, I choose to be happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And that’s when Newt looks up at Hermann and realizes, in a way you can only realize things you’ve known all along, that this is forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of Give Your Heart A Break. Go forth and enjoy.

And so they just go on.

There are more challenges, because there always will be. They’re both human, both flawed and hurt by the world in far too many ways. There are bad days - there are fights and tears and disobedience and punishments. There are setbacks. There are fears and hurts and worries that perhaps this is too much for them both, or not worth the pain. 

But there are always steps forward too. There are promises kept and apologies given and accepted. There are kisses to soothe hurts, and scenes, and trust. There are safewords honoured and hard limits always kept. And, in the end, the good days outweigh the bad - not just in number, but in quality. Some days they hurt, but most days they don’t. Most days they’re either moving forward or staying still, content where they are for the time being.

And good days don’t just mean the days Newt gets scenes or something particularly excellent happens. Good days are _normal_ days - because every day should be good when your relationship is strong and healthy and happy and there are no bad things in the way.  

Today is a good day.

It’s an ordinary night in, midway through their second semester of teaching. It’s not haywire exam time just yet, but they’re both pretty busy - busy enough that they both agree to bring work home and spend a couple of evenings a week grading together after dinner. They still try to keep their time at home as their time, but at least they can work together when they need to.

Tonight’s dinner had been a pasta bake, one of Newt’s slightly less adventurous dishes, but Hermann had still pronounced it perfect and kissed him softly in thanks before helping with the dishes. And now they’re settled in the living room - Hermann with work strewn around him on the couch, laptop on the coffee table, and brow furrowed in concentration as he reads an essay; Newt at his feet, curled up and leaning against his leg, flicking through the gradebook on his tablet to confirm the marks before he posts them. 

There’s little conversation. They don’t need it. Occasionally one of them has a truly awful sentence from a report to share with the other, or a question on how they’d grade something, but for the most part they just work in peaceful silence. Every so often Hermann absently runs his fingers through Newt’s hair, scratching softly behind his ear, and Newt pauses, closing his eyes and taking a micro-break of contentment. 

Newt finishes confirming his grades, posts them, and puts down his tablet. Tomorrow he’ll have plenty of emails to answer about how to make up extra credit or why he can’t bump grades up to a C+, but for tonight he’s done. Hermann isn’t, though, so Newt quietly packs his things up but stays where he is, nice and still and calm. He’s happy here. 

He’s always happy here. 

And that’s when Newt looks up at Hermann and realizes, in a way you can only realize things you’ve known all along, that this is forever. 

He’s got this forever. 

He’ll kneel at Hermann’s feet for years to come - until, unconceivable as it seems right now, he’s at a point where kneeling is impossible because he’s got two bad knees and a bad hip and he’s just too damn old to spend that long on the floor. And even then, Hermann will still wrap Newt up in his arms and tell him he’s a good boy if he wants to hear it; or he’ll just wrap Newt up in his arms and tell him he loves him if he doesn’t. If a time comes when Newt’s ready for a relationship of equals, Hermann won’t abandon him. Because Hermann doesn’t love his submissive, he loves _Newt,_ however Newt chooses or needs to be. Just like Newt loves Hermann, always.

No matter what, he’s got Hermann forever.

Hermann glances down at him after a bit, peering over his dorky glasses that Newt adores. “Something wrong, sweet boy?” he asks.

“Nope,” Newt says, smiling. “Everything’s perfect.”

Hermann smiles too, then closes his laptop and sets his papers aside. “That’s enough of that,” he says. “Let me take you to bed?”

For a moment, Newt thinks of the hurt, terrified Newt of years ago, the one who would have flinched away from any mentions of bed, convinced that Hermann wanted sex - or would have gone and endured sex without speaking up, just so he could be held afterwards and told he was a good boy. He remembers the desperation, the despair, the belief that nobody could ever love him for who he was, that he was too fucked up, too needy, too _much_. He remembers the fear and pain of telling Hermann who he was, the certainty that Hermann would reject him, or want him in ways Newt couldn’t give. 

He remembers the first time he knelt at Hermann’s feet and swore it was too good to be true.

It wasn’t. It’s still too good to believe sometimes, but it’s true. It’s true and real and forever.

His dreams weren’t impossible after all. 

“Yeah,” Newt says, and stands. “Let’s go to bed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has been a wonderful journey for me, and it’s meant the world to me. These words have been important to share, and they’ve brought me peace, as well as amazing new friends. Thank you for sharing this with me.
> 
> If you’ve enjoyed the a) asexual storyline and/or b) the D/s storyline, then stay tuned! I’m jumping over to the Avengers fandom and working on two main verses that may catch your interest. One is a D/s AU with Dom Clint and sub Phil; the other is asexual Phil. I hope to see some of you there - if not, I’m glad you’ve been here with me until the end.


End file.
